so low

[sedgwick]

I'm sick of it. I hurt too much to go on. This isn't getting better. I cannot forgive myself for what I did to him. I can't forgive myself for being nothing but a writer/dancer/filmmaker/designer and not an old-time fiddle player.

 

All I've done all day is lie in bed and cry. I just feel so low. It's not getting better. I have nothing to offer the world. All I want in the universe is him, and I can't have him because I'm not good enough. He is so gorgeous and talented and beautiful and perfect and I am nothing. I mean, what, so I have a book coming out and I'm in a dance company and I'm making a film and I knit all the time. Big effin' deal. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I am not a fiddle player.

 

I'm in therapy and it's not helping. I am OBSESSED with gaining his forgiveness, and I never will. I can't sleep. I was taking 25 mg/night of my sleep meds when I was with him, and now 14 months later I'm taking 600 mg and it's not enough. When I do manage to sleep, I just dream about him being with someone else, and I wake up vomiting. I puke at least three or four nights a week. I am terrified to leave the house because I don't want to bother others with my presence. I don't feel like I have the right to breathe or take up space anymore.

 

I know that if I ever do actually see him with another woman, I will have to kill myself, and that's terrifying. I feel like it's just a matter of time. I almost wish I could just get it over with.

 

I've thought about buying a fiddle but I just can't afford it right now. I had a banjo but I threw it away the other day because all I did was cry when I looked at it. It's so weird, I was taking lessons when I met him, and then I just put this expensive instrument out in the trash. I guess I sort of did it because I can't put MYSELF in the trash.

 

His forgiveness is the only thing that could set me free, but I'll never get it, because he's not speaking to me, because I am not an old-time fiddle player. It's just this horrible vicious circle.

 

I haven't felt this bad in a really long time. I haven't taken my meds in three days because I can't bring myself to leave the house to get them. My brain is falling apart. It feels like everything is melting inside my head. I wanted to talk to my therapist about this today, but instead we had to spend the entire goddamned session talking about the fact that I was ONE MINUTE late (literally -- session starts at 11:45, I got there at 11:46.) Because it's behavioral therapy, I had no choice but to sit and listen for an hour as my shrink asked me fifty million goddamn times what I was trying to jeopardize with my lateness. I even held up my phone to show her it was one minute behind hers, and I literally said "Mea culpa," but that wasn't good enough. The WHOLE ENTIRE SESSION was about my lateness and how apparently I have some kind of desire to jeopardize my treatment. So we didn't even get to talk about what was really upsetting me. I just left feeling scolded and came home and cried all day. And it was such a big thing for me to have left my apartment and showed up for that appointment, and I couldn't even do THAT right.

 

I am literally sitting here weeping and shaking. I'm so all alone in the world. I am so worthless and I can't forgive myself. I shouldn't be here. I mean, I'm not an old-time musician, so what else is there in the universe that a person can be and be worth something? Obviously literature, film, dance, and design mean nothing, so why should I even still be alive?

 

I haven't felt this low in a long time. God I wish I was worth something, anything, just a tiny little bit. If I could just be worth as much as a worm or a bug I would be so grateful.

[Ocean-Blue]

sedg, have you considered a change of scene? Perhaps a new town/city?

 

It can't do you any good being surrounded by memories this guy who has clearly broken your heart into bits.

[sedgwick]

My dance company, publisher, and literary agent are all in this city. Plus, I'm completely broke right now, I couldn't leave if I wanted to. So weird to be saying this and simultaneously trying to figure out the least painful and expensive way to kill myself, huh? Ah, the irony.

 

Plus, he tours all the time, so no matter where I might go, I wouldn't be safe. I could still run into him.

[nickelinadime]

You can't truly move on until you acknowledge that it was not your fault. It sounds to me as if he had a set idea on what he wanted and you didn't fully fit the description. Now I know it's impossible to stop loving someone you shared your life with - I'm in that boat too. But what really helped me was to finally realize that:

 

a) It's not my fault for his (or, in my case, her) stupid decision.

and

b) Your life is better off without that person. They don't want to be with you anymore, and as unfortunate as it is, something good will come out of it.

[sunshinegirl]

Did you refill your meds when you went out for your therapy appointment?

 

I have noticed a VERY self-hating trend in your posts over the last few days... about the same time period that you haven't been taking your medication.

 

If you are seriously considering suicide, call a hotline, call a friend, call your therapist. As crappy as you feel right now, right this second, it will pass. The intensity of this emotion will lessen.

 

Also, maybe you need a new therapist.

[sedgwick]

My life is not better without him. It was wonderful with him, it's a living hell now that he's gone. For 10 months I was good enough for him, and then all of a sudden one morning I wasn't a fiddle player and he walked out the door -- after having one last round of sex with me, during which I sobbed and begged him to stay, but after he came he got up and put his pants on and left my keys on my desk and I never saw him again. This happened the weekend we were supposedly celebrating the selling of my book. Talk about letting a girl know she's worthless. I am so degraded and humiliated and so very, eternally, deeply sorry for wasting his time.

 

No, I did not refill my meds. I felt too shi*ty about myself after the appointment so I just went home and cried some more. There's an all-night pharmacy where I could go but I've been trying to talk myself into going there for three hours now and I just can't, because I'm not a fiddle player and as such do not want to bother the pharmacist or the other customers by making them look at me.

 

I just got THIS new therapist. I don't have the energy to change again. I'd just disappoint the next one too.

[Art_Critic]

Sedge..

 

You are one my favorite posters here on LS.. mostly because of how smart you are and how you handle yourself in your posts...

 

I can't say I really do know you but I can tell you I care about you..

 

I also know that you are a beautiful good hearted person who has her whole life in front of her who is going thru a rough patch..

Don't be hating on yourself and talking suicide.. that is crap talk and has no business in your head..

 

You are worth something.. you are worth something to everyone in your life today including us on LS.....

it can be tough going thru a breakup but you really need to try harder at moving forward

If you can get over this hump you will find life much happier..

 

Have you thought about trying a new therapist ?

[Ocean-Blue]

My life is not better without him. It was wonderful with him, it's a living hell now that he's gone. For 10 months I was good enough for him, and then all of a sudden one morning I wasn't a fiddle player and he walked out the door -- after having one last round of sex with me, during which I sobbed and begged him to stay, but after he came he got up and put his pants on and left my keys on my desk and I never saw him again. This happened the weekend we were supposedly celebrating the selling of my book. Talk about letting a girl know she's worthless. I am so degraded and humiliated and so very, eternally, deeply sorry for wasting his time.

 

No, I did not refill my meds. I felt too shi*ty about myself after the appointment so I just went home and cried some more. There's an all-night pharmacy where I could go but I've been trying to talk myself into going there for three hours now and I just can't, because I'm not a fiddle player and as such do not want to bother the pharmacist or the other customers by making them look at me.

 

Please don't do anything to harm yourself. You're more than what he has made you think you are.

 

Why do you respect a man who has destroyed every ounce of self-worth? Does he deserve this kind of devotion and admiration?

 

Can you say he's a good man based on how quickly he just moved on from you. His reason is the stupidest reason I've ever heard.

[sedgwick]

I just got this new therapist. I'd just disappoint the next one too, by being so stupid and ugly and not a musician. I think I'm just done. I'm just not worth being here anymore.

[Art_Critic]

No, I did not refill my meds. I felt too shi*ty about myself after the appointment so I just went home and cried some more. There's an all-night pharmacy where I could go but I've been trying to talk myself into going there for three hours now and I just can't, because I'm not a fiddle player and as such do not want to bother the pharmacist or the other customers by making them look at me.

 

You really need to refill your meds.. going cold turkey on anti-d's is very dangerous for your mental health and the side effects of going cold turkey isn't fun to go thru..

If you are going to get off medications you must wean yourself off the dosage slowly over time with the advice of a medical DR..

 

Please refill your meds at the all nigh pharmacy sedge...

[Ocean-Blue]

I just got this new therapist. I'd just disappoint the next one too, by being so stupid and ugly and not a musician. I think I'm just done. I'm just not worth being here anymore.

 

You are worth being here!!! You fill this world with music, beauty and grace. You're a smart woman who has contributed a great deal...you've always been a good poster on here and I know there are many that appreciate your kinds words and gentle way.

[megapositive]

Oh Sedgwick, I'm sorry for your pain! You are at rock-bottom. You're even too poor to constructively kill yourself !!! Seriously, he is NOT WORTH SELF-DESTRUCTION!!! I picture that scene in my head, the one last round of sex and you crying and him finishing and just leaving... YUCK. What an a**hole. Just dropping it on you out of the blue that he's done with the relationship is bad enough, giving you a lame reason such as it's because you don't play the fiddle is even lamer, but that last part is purely sadistic.

 

Did you ever notice a sadistic side to him, now that he's gone and you can think about it? Your shouldering all the blame and putting him on this silly pedestal of perfection is just not right.

[Art_Critic]

I just got this new therapist. I'd just disappoint the next one too, by being so stupid and ugly and not a musician. I think I'm just done. I'm just not worth being here anymore.

 

Give this new therapist some time to work.. remember that they are miracle workers and they help you help yourself...

 

Being that your relationship with the therapist is new it will take more than one or two sessions before you can build a repore with them in order to feel safe enough to start helping yourself...

 

Give them a chance to help you.. please...

[sedgwick]

You fill this world with music, beauty and grace.

 

Uh...no, see, the reason I'm upset is that I DON'T fill the world with music, because I am not a musician. If I filled the world with music, I would have worth. Therein lies the crux of both the post and my discontent.

[sunshinegirl]

Look, here's the thing: you wouldn't be reaching out to us on LS if some tiny part of you didn't want help getting through this moment. It's a ****ty moment, you hate your life etc etc. But you have a fighter in you that is going to keep you afloat here.

 

How about this: a few of us on LS hang out here while you go out and get your meds from the pharmacy. You post back on here once you've gotten them and taken the right dose.

[Ocean-Blue]

Uh...no, see, the reason I'm upset is that I DON'T fill the world with music, because I am not a musician. If I filled the world with music, I would have worth. Therein lies the crux of both the post and my discontent.

 

Did you not mention that you were a musician of sorts before this person left you?

 

Funny, every time I read your posts, I always imagined you were a musician of some sort. Always.

[sedgwick]

Did you not mention that you were a musician of sorts before this person left you?

 

Funny, every time I read your posts, I always imagined you were a musician of some sort. Always.

 

I was learning how to play old-time banjo, that's how we met. But no, I'm primarily a writer and a bellydancer. I also make films and design clothes. But that's all I am, just that stuff. I'm not a musician. That's the reason he dumped me.

 

Sunshinegirl, yes, it would actually help me to go get the meds if I knew there would be people here waiting for me. I know that sounds totally disgusting and awful and borderline and manipulative and evil, but it would help. I'm sorry I'm such a loser and need such things.

[Art_Critic]

I haven't taken my meds in three days because I can't bring myself to leave the house to get them. My brain is falling apart. It feels like everything is melting inside my head.

 

Your brain is falling apart because you have not taken your meds.. this crap that is in your head right now is chemically induced thru withdrawals..

 

Please fill your prescription and take your dosage... things will get better when you do...

[sedgwick]

I'm going to try to go to the pharmacy but I'm really, really afraid. It's so hard to leave the house when you know everyone's just laughing at you for not being an old-time fiddle player. It's just crippling.

[Capricciosa]

Sedge, it will get better. I promise. I don't think this is even about him anymore, but some other pain that you will eventually uncover with your new therapist, who you are not disappointing, you really are not.. But yes, go get the meds, and we are all waiting to hear back. If I was in your city, I would come with you, but please do something to help yourself.

[sunshinegirl]

Sunshinegirl, yes, it would actually help me to go get the meds if I knew there would be people here waiting for me. I know that sounds totally disgusting and awful and borderline and manipulative and evil, but it would help. I'm sorry I'm such a loser and need such things.

 

If you are willing to do it, and do it now, I will hang out online until you are back. How long do you think it will take?

[megapositive]

We'll be waiting for you Sedgwick, many more of us that you even realize...

[Art_Critic]

I'm going to try to go to the pharmacy but I'm really, really afraid. It's so hard to leave the house when you know everyone's just laughing at you for not being an old-time fiddle player. It's just crippling.

 

Nobody here is laughing at you.. and nobody at the pharmacy will be laughing at you either..

Your much more than a fiddle player...

 

Be strong and go to the pharmacy... please...

[Nemo]

Sedge..

 

You are one my favorite posters here on LS.. mostly because of how smart you are and how you handle yourself in your posts...

 

I can't say I really do know you but I can tell you I care about you..

 

I also know that you are a beautiful good hearted person who has her whole life in front of her who is going thru a rough patch..

Don't be hating on yourself and talking suicide.. that is crap talk and has no business in your head..

 

You are worth something.. you are worth something to everyone in your life today including us on LS.....

it can be tough going thru a breakup but you really need to try harder at moving forward

If you can get over this hump you will find life much happier..

What a beautiful post! I concur.

[D-Lish]

Why are you allowing this guy and HIS problems to give you permission to hate yourself.

 

Why take up fiddle lessons just to make yourself more appealing to another person instead of appreciating all the things you do that make you a head above the rest.

 

You have accomplished so many awesome things in your life, and all you can see is that you're not good enough for someone who was actually never good enough for you.

 

Your obsession isn't healthy- I know you know that.

Going cold turkey straight off the meds is dangerous. Go the the pharmacy right now and refill them. You have to take the steps to help yourself.

 

What's crazy is that you succeed in all these interesting and difficult areas, have accomplished more than most people (including him) will in a lifetime. But you hate yourself for not being a fiddle player. It's silly from the standpoint of an outsider.

 

Ever consider that this guy comes in and out of women's lives crushing hearts and blaming them habitually? Have you ever once stopped this misery merry-go-round and gotten pissed off at him? Ever gotten angry at him at all?

 

Good things are all around you- they are there because you work hard and make them happen.

 

His "you don't play the fiddle" break up argument is from the mouth of a man that never had the balls to admit his own issue of not being able to commit to anything human in his life. He has a pattern of seducing and leaving women broken.

 

You've really internalized his issue to the point where it's manifesting in self-loathing. DO you really believe it's rational to hate yourself because you don't play the fiddle like he does. Do you really believe that if you played the fiddle that you'd still be together or it would make him come back to you?

 

He seduces women, and he breaks them. That's him- I don't believe for a second the break up had anything to do with you... But it had everything to do with HIS deep-seeded issues. He's the one that is broken, and he left you with the worst break up present a person can give to another- a puposeful, malicious "it's not me...it's you".

 

You've given this man way too much power over your self-worth.

He's not a good man, he's a very selfish man. You need to discover a way to regain your dignity and forge a path to healing.

 

Stop the madness- get to the pharmacy asap, get a referral to a new therapist. You're not compatible with the one you have now, and he/she will never help you as a result.

 

The last important man in my life broke up with me in a phone call and told me I was the cause of all his misery and everything that was wrong with his life. He hit me at the core of my insecurities (because he knew me) and he pounded at those insecurities with a hammer. It took me a long time to start seeing that this guy was the one with the issues. We sat down for dinner in January after more than a year and a half apart and admitted to me that he had hated himself, and projected all that hatred onto me (and he apologized).

 

What normal, grounded, stable man breaks up with someone because they don't play the fiddle. Healthy relationship usually involve people having seperate passions. What kind of man expects his partner to love and embrace HIS passion, while he ignores and disregards yours? His relationships are always going to be about him and what he wants.

 

Would you leave someone you loved because they weren't a dancer?

Did you want to leave him because he wasn't a dancer?

 

I suspect he left you because he saw you suceeding on a level he was jealous of. He left you just as you were recieving your accelaides didn't he... You were about to be celebrated for your book... and he got up and walked away and told you that he was leaving because you weren't a fiddle player. Give me a break. He left because he couldn't handle you were about to achieve a level of greatness that both distressed him, and made him envious.

 

If you did play the fiddle- and one day you began to show promise... you'd again become a threat to his ego... and he would have come up with another "you're not good enough" excuse.

 

Stop agonizing over what you think this man thinks you should be doing.

Validate yourself through the accomplishments that are sitting right in front of you!! You've spent far too long punishing yourself for not being what you think someone else once needed you to be.

 

I want you to get dressed, get the f**k out of your pjs and get to the frick'n pharmacy. Call tomorrow morning and change your therapist.

Don't you dare say that you don't have the energy to do that. If you can finish a book, if you can dance professionally- you have it in you to muster the energy to see this healing process from start to finish.

 

NO MORE feeling sorry for yourself- it doesn't become you.

Why let this one sorry person break you in such a way.

A woman like you with all your potential, past and present accomplishments- come on. Get up and start fighting for yourself.

 

If you go to your pharmacy right now... it's the step you need to take in the right direction. Make the choice.