Sarrow Posted August 15, 2003 Posted August 15, 2003 A long story here, try to make it short and to the point. About 9 months back a met this girl at the junior college I go to, back then I was chasing after another girl. It turns out that the girl I met was after my friend, which was no bother to me, I was in search of something else at the time, and had no interest for her. I managed to date the girl I was after. After a crapy 6 months our relationship broke up. I did not see the girl who was after my friend for about 7 months, her and my friend never hit it off. I ran into her again a few months back, and asked her out, just purely as friends, since things have been rough with my last break up I hadn't really taken any women out on dates or anything. I have to say I had some slight intrest in this girl, though I did my best not to show it or anything. We went out and talked about relationships and life, the sort of things best friends would talk about. She convayed to me, that shes slept with alot of people, and uses guys for sex. She also insists that that sex durring a relationship is much more to her, and an different emotional level is engaged. Welp, things where I live went bad, money wise and her living situation wasn't going any better, she had a 30 day notice. So I asked her if she wanted to room with me, her money towards rent would really help me out. She moved in with me, and continued her guys chasing. She was always talking about different guys, and sex with them and so on. I still liked her somewhat, but got the feeling that she wasn't interested in me. We got along excellently, we would go for walks at night and talk, or lay under the stars and talk. We really enjoyed each others company alot. One night well in her bed, talking about us, we both discoved that the person was interested in a relationship. I knew this girls history getting into a relationship with her, but it did not bother me any. Because the past is the past, it was my hopes that I could change her to some degree. And also, knowing her past, I tryed to keep from getting serious feelings for her. It was a blast living with her, it was almost like we were married, but we were extremly happy and always haven a good time, wether money was low or not. We lived together while in a relationship for about a month and a half, then it happened. Something stirred in me that I had never felt before. This was a party girl that got out alot, a girl that is not the easyist in the world to trust but I did. With me she was excellent, we didn't even go out much, but loved spending time with each other. I started to fall for this girl. I had serious feelings for her, she gave me a constant smile as I did her. I was begaining to think I was in love. Then came the problem. I was raised on the Bible, and I do have my own convictions when it comes to information in the Bible. One peice of wisdom that I got from the bible, is never get involved in a relationship that is unevenly yoked. Meaning that, if beleifs and dreams are different, then that relationship, will have a much tougher time of surving. Our beleifs and likes were completely different. I would describe her as "stuck in highschool", she likes the boy bands, partying and dancing. Which is not just likened to highschool, but this is all stuff that I had lost intrest in. I have my own intrests such as the outdoors and so on. This was a bother to me, but not a real problem, since that is what friends are for. I ended up breaking up with her, on the basis that since she doesnt understand my religion she can never truely understand me, and it is wrong of me to ask her to change and try to beleive the way I do. My religion is why I do what I do, its why I beleive things are certain ways. It was comming between my religion and a life with this girl who I truely admired. I choose relgion because I beleive there is something after this life, and I don't want to spend enternity in hell. Premarital sex, I have endulged in a few times, which is strickly against my religion. I have since repented - in a manner of speaking. After breaking up with her, she went and had sex with another guy a day after we broke up. (we broke up about 2 weeks ago), since then shes been dating and looking for guys. I have deep feelings for this girl, my wish, thouselfish and selfserving, honestly is for her to beleive the way I do, see things the way I do.. that way we can be together and be truely happy. She insist her seeing other people is something that she needs to do, something to get her over me, and she needs attention. I beleive when I was with her, her feelings to me were true and honest, those feelings have since departed. I wish I could be with this girl and share everything with her, I was never anything but completely upfront. I miss everything we had together, and I can't keep her out of my mind. We are still living together, but she manages to not be around pretty good. The question that I ask is, Was I being played? I do honestly beleive her feelings were true.. but can somebody recover that fast and move on? She is completely fine now that we have broken up. At first she was bothered and everything reminded me of her, now it seems fine. And what is the best way to get over a loss like this? I want to honestly chase her down, and spill everything to her, but I am convinced that because she has not changed our relationship would someday meet its demise. And from what I have learned about myself in this relationship, I have decided it is against my best intrest to get into another relationship, seeing as how this is completely unadvoidable, unless the person beleives the same way I do. Which is highly doubtful, my beleifs and convictions are that of a conservitive baptist. Should I stick with chasing my heart and this girl? waiting through all the dudes she will go through, just be a friend, and constantly try to convince her of my convictions. Or is that a selfish move. There is nothing more in the world that I want then this girl, but I want us to be real, if we didn't see eye to eye on religion and she didn't understand religion, then she truely can't understand me. If she understood how religion broke us up and why, then we would have never broken up. I would have asked her to marry me. I know this seems all a little bit to fast, but this was completely great for me, everything we had, everything we wanted together...everything cept religion and a true pure love of understanding. Should I continue wanting her? Should I let her go and keep her as a friend and do my best to be disinterested in her? This really reeks for me,.. any advice is much appreciated, feel free to ask questions to get a better understanding of what was going on. Thank you.
Author Sarrow Posted August 16, 2003 Author Posted August 16, 2003 umm, thank you for the edit. Just sorta curious to as why nobody has answered me yet,.? To long to read? Do I seem like just another jerk? Just not interested enough to respond? Oh well,
Paul Posted August 16, 2003 Board of Directors Posted August 16, 2003 Originally posted by Sarrow umm, thank you for the edit. Just sorta curious to as why nobody has answered me yet,.? To long to read? Do I seem like just another jerk? Just not interested enough to respond? Oh well, The ongoing trend here is that people will not bother attempting to read large blocks of text without line breaks. This is why we recommend you break apart your post into paragraphs. Now that the post has been edited, I'm sure you'll find others will respond. Just be a little patient. Best wishes, Paul
Curt Posted August 16, 2003 Moderators Posted August 16, 2003 First, thanks to our intrepid moderators for the paragraphing ... paragraphing helps tremendously. With respect to your situation Sarrow, both you and this girl are at completely different ends of the spectrum, life-philosophy wise. You stress an importance of the spirit, faith, and a relationship with God in guiding a person through daily life. You appear to be a guy who truly devotes his time, heart, and effort into those he loves. Clearly, the one main drive in her life is...well...her sex drive. She appears to be a bit of a nymphomaniac. The automatic gratification of sex is feeding her, although perhaps both you and I might argue that the satisfaction is superficial. Nonetheless, she appears to want to experience every male's "member" from here to Abu Dhabi. She wants the "fast" life. My feeling is that both of you may never see eye to eye on these matters. She may have been a wonderful woman while she was with you, but even then, the reasons (as I understand them) for her being with you were largely based on her needs, not yours. You need to embrace the love you had for/with her, appreciate the experience for what it meant to you, and then seek new love with a woman of similar mindset. I know it sounds simple to say, but you need to move on, my friend. You have said that if she can't understand your faith, she doesn't understand you. I suggest it goes even further than that. She has an incongruent lifestyle to your own which, although it can be altered temporarily, may never change for an extended period of time. Let me go theoretical for a moment. How long might you have been married before she wanted some more "exploration" done by a man other than you ? Sometimes, people in mindsets like hers never settle in a "traditional" lifestyle. Peace. Curt
Author Sarrow Posted August 16, 2003 Author Posted August 16, 2003 First off,. Paul thank you for the editing. Much appreciated. Curt, in your "theoretical" moment, you nailed it on the head, as to why my convictions lead me to where I am. If this girl beleived the same way I did, she would change her ways and her whole opinion of sex would change. I know I did something to this girl, I gave her something that she hadn't had before, a wholesum relationship. Because I did that, when shes out daten non of those people are messuring up. I came about this information not from her, but from her journal, which I wrongly peeped in. And have sinse told her I did. not going to peep again. I know the part about moving on, I know I need to. My question that I need help with, is: Should I stick by this girl as a friend, wait out all the doods, keep sharing my beleifs and hope that she comes around? I would be doing this, while also moving on in away. Meaning if the right girl came along, I would go for it. But should I stick out the time with this girl? Hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst? Or is it wrong of me to wish this girl to change, not for her own good but more so she would fit with me? it would be for her own good, but is that a selfish request? I truely know, that if she changed ...honestly, and not some pertend change, that we would make it, and I could trust her whole-heartedly. As I said though, I gave her a touch of true love and she knows that, but her sex drive ...well drives her life. The only way I see change is, she gets a STD that ruins her... she gets preggy.. or God works in her heart. Which I pray about at night when she is on my mind. "The LORD is my shepard, I shall not want." Is it wrong to want her to change? I accept that we may never be together and I can live my life with that reality. But this is something that I really do honestly WANT in my life. It is all in Gods hands in my opinion, wether we work out or not. Curt if you would, would you mind taken a wack at my questions? Keep in mind, that I know I touched something in her that had never been touched before, she knows that but her drive for sex and attention from males consumes who she is. Thanks for the time.
Curt Posted August 17, 2003 Moderators Posted August 17, 2003 Sarrow, you wrote the following: Should I stick by this girl as a friend, wait out all the doods, keep sharing my beleifs and hope that she comes around? I would be doing this, while also moving on in away. Meaning if the right girl came along, I would go for it. But should I stick out the time with this girl? Hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst? In my estimation Sarrow, there's no harm in staying around her as a friend, if you only want her as a friend. By that, I mean always and only as a friend. As you can imagine, I'm not talking of the type of friends that have sex with each other when either requires a "quickie." In my opinion, that would say as little for you as a person as it would for her. From my reading, I honestly do not feel that you want this woman only as a friend. You want her as your mate. It may be a wonderful thing to hope for...but I don't ever see it happening. You both have major differences in faith/spiritual life, as well as general lifestyle. Or is it wrong of me to wish this girl to change, not for her own good but more so she would fit with me? it would be for her own good, but is that a selfish request? If you merely want her to change so that you get your "dream" to come true, then you know as well as I do that that's selfish. It would probably be healthier for her, BUT, if you want her to change for you primarily, then there is no health in that idea, for either of you. She doesn't appear to be bent our of joint about the way she conducts herself. She seems to be having a wild time for herself. Whether or not it is good or bad for her doesn't seem to really concern her right now. As I said though, I gave her a touch of true love and she knows that, but her sex drive ...well drives her life. The only way I see change is, she gets a STD that ruins her... she gets preggy.. or God works in her heart. Which I pray about at night when she is on my mind. "The LORD is my shepard, I shall not want." Is it wrong to want her to change? If you are praying for her, pray only that God comes into her heart, blesses her, and helps her make the changes necessary to live a safe, faith-filled life. Thank Him for giving you the opportunity to know and love her. Trust that I know exactly what it is like to love someone too deeply. Be thankful for the opportunity to know and love her, and know that you were a blessing to her life as she was to yours. I am told that there are loads of great women about that are looking for a loving, honest, spirit-filled man to build a relationship with. I am sure you will soon find one of those ladies. Best Regards. Curt
Author Sarrow Posted August 17, 2003 Author Posted August 17, 2003 Don't mistake me, I said I had engaged in sex and what not, but those were times when I was living for the moment, since then I have come to a realization through reading the bible, that what I was doing was wrong. And since then, repented. A friendship with her, would be completely "no touch" cept a hug here and there. I am going to remain friends with her, while trying to just do what I have to do as a man, work and finish off my college. I hope shortly after college to hit the police accademy. I will not wait for her and I have moved on. There will always be a part of me that wants her, wants to be with her, and wants her to be with me. I am just planning on being a supportive friend and trying to help her out. I pray that God moves her heart or works inside her to better herself. I think if anything like that ever happens to her, I would prolly then again pursue her. I aware that my emotions are not there for her anymore. There is no feeling of love for her, as I once had. I love her and care about her as a friend. If its Gods will to bring about a change in her, then like I said I would pursue a relationship with her. But I am also aware that it would be something completely different then what we had. And just a note here. I dated all through out junior high and highschool, all of which were never serious relationships. I have only really had 2 serious relationships ever, and the one before this one ended in disaster and I have no feeling of loss from it, because it was completely evident that we were not meant to be together. Oh well, I will try to live my life right. I will continue doing what I need to do, thank you for your support.
Author Sarrow Posted August 18, 2003 Author Posted August 18, 2003 This is continueing on from "IMO: The ultimate choice".. What gives? Why does it bother me so much that shes out with other people? I gave her so much, then broke it off... now shes out daten this one guy she has been seeing for 2 weeks. Spending all the time together they can. It makes me feel like I was being used, that guys are just a cushion for her. Its not her way to get even or get revenge, but what she is doing now, is tearing me up inside. Disreguarding everything that I gave her so easily. Went to bed at midnight last night, was upto 4am just haten everything, I can't keep her off my mind for more then a couple seconds.. and I wasn't able to get but 4 hours of sleep, second night in a row this has happened. I want her to come around, but I understand thats not going to happen. I want her to come around so bad, that it is almost like I am telling myself she might.. because there is always a chance she will come around. Because of that chance I am having trouble letting go and moving on. Somebody help me here, this is driving me nuts. We are susposed to go to the state fair tomarrow together as friends, should I go? or is that just a token jester from her. I want to be with this gurl so bad, and it is tearing me up inside to think she doesn't want the same thing. She seemed all for us, when we were together, now she has found comfort elsewhere. I am sure that if there was somebody I was interested in, that this wouldn't be bothering me so much. I know "move on" is going to be said towards me, it is so much easyer said then done. I want to go take her back and try and work things out, but it would be tough since shes been out, disreguarding all my feelings. She still lives here and she needs to go, I see that now. But I don't want her thinking "he kicked me out because we broke up" .. some reason, I can't just dismiss this girl and go on in life. Help.
Author Sarrow Posted August 27, 2003 Author Posted August 27, 2003 Some of you may know my story on these boards; "IMO: The Ultimate Choice". Welp I was pretty lost at the time, and going through alot of bad things. Nothing it seemed could ease my pain. Then one night, my ex and I got some time to chat. The chat was good and heart felt. We ended up getting back together, and the guy she was daten she was going to break up with. Well, I spent 3 days being back with her, all was fun again, and everything was good. We had both decided to abstain from sex. Those 3 days I spent with her were fun, and I enjoyed the time we had together. But something was missing. Something deep. To know that she had jumped on another guy and started daten right away, kept me from having feelings for her. That and I had moved on, but I didn't know it at the time. When we got back together, I noticed a difference, something was uncomphy. It took me a bit to realize it. When I did realize it, I was true to myself and her, and I was completely open-up front-and honest about everything with her. It turned out she was the same way I was. With her feelings anyway. She went back to the dood, and choose not to tell him about us getting back together. Then just this last sunday she moved out of my house, and I havent heard a word from her since. Its hard to know, that something that I spent time creating, though only 3 months, could forsake me so easly. Well thats just how the world spins I guess. In my opinion "IMO" ... she was a child, stuck in the mode of dating what ever is cute. I am sorry I saw more in her then what was really there. The support of these forums, didn't do anything to help me out, in the sense of what I should do and what not. But just being here and able to type my problems out and to have other people read them and respond, helped alot. I still feel a loss, something that I worked towards for 2 or 3 months broken and tossed back at me. But sometimes the loss makes me smile. The sort of smile one gets when they look back at something just utterly stupid. Well college has started back up for me, I am doing good and need to focus just a little bit harder. The ladies at school from time to time remind me of my chick, alot of stuff does. But I have moved on, getting back with her and not having feelings for her is what really told me that. I pray and I hope that I will meet somebody to take my time,. somebody to share experiences, thoughts, and problems with. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won't. I know what I need to do, I will do what I need to. Thank you all for the support here. Good luck to you all. I will be around, to try an help people out from time to time.
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