Isolde Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I stumbled upon this site quite by accident but seems like a good place to vent this and maybe even ask for outside opinions. I guess in a nutshell, my story is that I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship with a guy. I guess I'll preface this by saying I know it's not THAT weird. Because this is relevant info, I'll also say that I have had two sexual encounters (2 months the longest) that were more than one night stands but nowhere NEAR what a relationship is. Those were quite a long time ago; I decided casual sex isn't for me. Why? I don't know... to begin with, I'm definitely not the type of person that goes from relationship to relationship. I'm too introverted, too quirky, too serious for that and I think guys definitely don't see me as the type to "hook up with and see where it goes." On the other hand, the fact that I might be destined for just one or two or maybe even zero relationships in my lifetime makes me feel sick to my stomach. I need people, I need guys, I need sex! I've been on several dates in the past year. Two of them, the guys were super weird but did want second dates. One of them, the guy thought we just didn't have chemistry at all; I liked him so I was hurt, but now I realize he may have been right. The last one I met before moving to a new city. I think we MAY have liked each other, but I'm really not sure if that's wishful thinking. Because it matters, I'll say that I'm a safe 8/10 in looks... sometimes a 7, and on rare occasions a 9, but considered attractive by many guys. *shrugs* I'm thin, too. Even if I'm overrating myself looks are definitely not the reason. The thing is, I'm a romantic and I'm also a very sexual person, and these two things sometimes don't seem particularly compatible! It doesn't help that I'm not attracted to a huge percentage of the population, either. But I guess what really makes me feel disoriented and confused and lost is that the terminology of relationships: "love," "comfort", "passion," and even the negative side--"breakup," "missing him," "ex." doesn't resonate with me; I don't even have a concept of what these things mean or feel like. The guys I hooked up with, I guess I cared about them in some small way, but there was little substance and absolutely no compatibility. I can't even SEE MYSELF in a relationship with anyone. It's like relationships are a little part of life, a little world I have no access to and can't be a part of. I understand the stock advice is to tell me to wait for the right person, but damn it, I want to date people while I'm still in my twenties?!?! Now, the very worst thing of all: I know a couple other (not many, but a few) girls who are in similar situations or at least haven't been in a relationship for a long time. Girls with a lot to offer. I can't help feeling that these days, girls just aren't pursued like they used to be. And it's NOT like I expect to be coddled and called 100X a day or whatever. In fact, that would sicken me. No, I just feel like I've done a lot of pursuing and I've tried so so so hard to get to know people and in return I just haven't seen any effort back. (P.S. I don't have a good social network at all, and never really have, which doesn't really help I guess, though I know a lot of people who are total loners who still date a lot.) (P.P.S. I'm really good at meeting guys at parties and bars--I put on this whole flirty-but-not-slutty act--but this REALLY backfires sometimes. And I just don't like how it makes me feel jaded and weird.)
Green Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I stumbled across this place a while back myself, I was actualy looking for pornography. Anyways I'm around the same age as you and you sound hot with the fact that your thin, I really hate fat unless its in boobs... anyways I've encountered girls like you Facebook and myspace is semi reliable way to keep tabs on things, and this one girl who is chronicaly single refuses dates from me and I'm sure plenty of other guys... maybe your just being to picky. Try sticking around a person and you may grow to really like them and then fall in love with them. Oh and if your in my area hit me up
JoeNewbie Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 In due time... When you're really tired of being alone, you'll look for company. Until then, seems like you prefer being alone.
Author Isolde Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 In due time... When you're really tired of being alone, you'll look for company. Until then, seems like you prefer being alone. You couldn't be more wrong! What makes you think I want to be alone? Perhaps, it will be very helpful for me to see what might make someone think that.
Green Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 In due time... When you're really tired of being alone, you'll look for company. Until then, seems like you prefer being alone. yeah but its such a waste, I mean these are some of her hottest years, some one should be getting it
Author Isolde Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 yeah but its such a waste, I mean these are some of her hottest years, some one should be getting it You put it rather crudely in both of your posts KMT but, I kind of agree with you, just in the sense that... well... I won't be young and relatively carefree much longer and... who knows what will happen, I could die any day.
JoeNewbie Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 You couldn't be more wrong! What makes you think I want to be alone? Perhaps, it will be very helpful for me to see what might make someone think that. I am saying right now you'd rather be alone than be with someone you're not super duper into. You COULD be with someone but you choose to be alone. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with your decision. I tend to be like you myself although I'm a bit older and have had my share of experiences. Did you notice how most people are unattractive? But yet they still fall in love? Some people REALLY want to be in a relationship. Their desire to be a couple goes beyond the lack of attraction they feel for their partner.
JoeNewbie Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 yeah but its such a waste, I mean these are some of her hottest years, some one should be getting it An 8/10 for me usually means potential relationship material (if the brains are the same rate). If no one's getting it, I would consider phone sex...
Green Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 An 8/10 for me usually means potential relationship material (if the brains are the same rate). If no one's getting it, I would consider phone sex... hahah phone sex! nah this girl needs to get herself a bf... the problem is girls like to be won over so some guy has to go in there and breakthrough her insane bariers... now its actualy imposible for her to figure out what her own problems are... and really it just might be the right guy didn't come along but I doubt that. I've truly seen hot girls who are always single and its sad but kinda cool. As far as the scale goes at 22 and thin if she has boobs and a half way decent face she's like 8 or 9 out of 10 for sure. If I were to give a guy advice on how to get this girl I would say not to take no for an answer go stalker on her ass... at a minimum it would give her something to think about haha
Author Isolde Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Yeah but you're still overlooking the fact that no guy has ever really been that into me (as far as I know). Sure, I turned down maybe 2 guys, but all I know about them is that they were willing to give me one more date! For all I know, no guy has ever wanted to be with me. I "fell in love" with someone my freshman year, he said he liked someone else, then I think he liked me for a while but he didn't do anything about it That was really awkward I had chemistry with a couple guys I talked to briefly in college but one of them was in a relationship and the other one just didn't ask me out
Green Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 well I'm not sure what your career path is but maybe you should consider moving to the NYC area... Guys are alot more aggressive there and you'll probably get asked out non stop just walking around... I'm not sure where you live but I'm going to guess some where lame where guys don't make much money and have no balls. That thing with that guy in your college is pretty common, if only he had know to go for it. You might want to consider being more agressive yourself you could get yourself a really good looking shy guy... I mean I see some normal looking guys with ugly fat chicks so... Be like cat woman after she survived her near death experience and go out there and do it
serialgf Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 hi isolde, you sound like a cool chick.... and i hope you don't think this is presumptuous of me, but i think you could use some individual counseling... have you ever tried it? this in particular struck me: But I guess what really makes me feel disoriented and confused and lost is that the terminology of relationships: "love," "comfort", "passion," and even the negative side--"breakup," "missing him," "ex." doesn't resonate with me; I don't even have a concept of what these things mean or feel like. The guys I hooked up with, I guess I cared about them in some small way, but there was little substance and absolutely no compatibility. I can't even SEE MYSELF in a relationship with anyone. It's like relationships are a little part of life, a little world I have no access to and can't be a part of. don't get me wrong, you don't sound like a psychopath or like you're "mental" or anything, it just seems pretty obvious to me, at least from your posts, that what's keeping you from a relationship is your own personal issues. you're pretty, you're young, you're in shape, you're funny, smart, etc. but you have a lot of inner "stuff" to figure out - it sounds like you need to figure out what you're about and what you want for yourself, including what you want out of a relationship. until you figure that out, you're going to have trouble choosing good guys to date and, well, actually getting out there and giving those guys a chance... my short term advice is to be nice and smile when you're out - it makes you look approachable, don't focus on the romantic aspect just relax, and maybe don't try to meet guys at bars so much because they're usually drunk and looking to get laid i'm gonna stop there because i don't want to offend you or anything... i hope my advice is helpful to you...
Author Isolde Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 serialgf, absolutely no offense taken! I won't deny that I have certain issues (terrified of rejection after past experiences, etc.) but on the whole I don't think it's true that I haven't gone out there and given guys a chance. (I have never said no to a first date, even when I was 99% sure I wouldn't like the guy.) I think the real issue is that guys react to me in a very strange way. I'll give you an example. In college, a guy supposedly liked me. Everyone was talking about it. He texted and IM'd me a lot. I thought he was just interested in being friends b/c it took him so long to ask me out. We went on a few dates, he was good looking and I wasn't averse to going out with him more, but though it was obvious to everyone that he still had a crush on me, he slowly stopped pursuing me and eventually stopped talking to me altogether. I think it just turned me off that he had a crush on me but didn't SHOW ME. Guys just don't deliver clear signals to me, unless they actually don't like me, then that's pretty clear, haha. I think I might come across a bit passive or apathetic at times but that's only because I'm sooo scared of being hurt. As for knowing what I want in a guy, I think I have a pretty darn good idea, and if I got any more specific it would only make me pickier than I already am.
gummybear Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 serialgf, absolutely no offense taken! I won't deny that I have certain issues (terrified of rejection after past experiences, etc.) but on the whole I don't think it's true that I haven't gone out there and given guys a chance. (I have never said no to a first date, even when I was 99% sure I wouldn't like the guy.) I think the real issue is that guys react to me in a very strange way. I'll give you an example. In college, a guy supposedly liked me. Everyone was talking about it. He texted and IM'd me a lot. I thought he was just interested in being friends b/c it took him so long to ask me out. We went on a few dates, he was good looking and I wasn't averse to going out with him more, but though it was obvious to everyone that he still had a crush on me, he slowly stopped pursuing me and eventually stopped talking to me altogether. I think it just turned me off that he had a crush on me but didn't SHOW ME. Guys just don't deliver clear signals to me, unless they actually don't like me, then that's pretty clear, haha. I think I might come across a bit passive or apathetic at times but that's only because I'm sooo scared of being hurt. As for knowing what I want in a guy, I think I have a pretty darn good idea, and if I got any more specific it would only make me pickier than I already am. Wow, you sound like me! I'm currently 25. Up until I was 22 I never had or a bf or even a real date. There were 2-3 guys in high school who had HUGE crushes on me (they were heartbroken when I rejected them) but I really didn't feel anything for them. In college, I isolated myself due to some depression issues and pretty much had no one I was linked to romantically. There was one guy I did develop a HUGE crush on (the last time I really liked a guy was way back in 7th grade) in college but I never made a move on him out of fear and honestly I don't think he really liked me anyway. 2 years after that, I didn't like anyone at all. Then finally, shortly after I turned 22 and started my new job, I started to really like this one guy. He liked me too and we dated for a few weeks. For the first time, I was 'connecting' with someone and getting 'attached' to him. It ended when he said he liked me but didn't see me as a gf . For the first time ever, I felt the intense pain of true heartbreak. He was never my bf and it was quite superficial in the sense that he didn't feel for me nearly as much as I felt for him. But still, you can see it wasn't until I was 22 did I even have my first sexual/dating encounter. For a year after that, I found no one I was interested in really and no one really interested in me either. Finally, I did online dating and dated maybe 2-3 guys for short periods of time and it was all so superficial. I got a bit attached to one and after he dumped me it was pretty hurtful, though not nearly as heartbreaking as the first guy who rejected me. Finally, after a year of online dating, I took a break and got my sh*t together and found someone online that I truly truly liked and he truly truly liked me back as well. He became my bf. We both loved each other. But my issues made us break up. A few weeks later I had a rebound bf (he was hot!) but I was too heartbroken over my ex to really feel for him. A few weeks after him I had another bf...he wasn't a rebound but I moved away so it ended. Basically, what I learned is that if you want a meaningful relationship, you should be more open and look beyond physical attraction when you're dating. The guys who were less attractive I actually came to have stronger feelings for over guys who were hot. Love is a beautiful thing. I've only experienced it once and very briefly, but it wasn't until I was nearly 24. Most of all, learn to love those who love you as well. I'm now attracted to those who like me BECAUSE they like me...and thus I know will treat me well.
Author Isolde Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Then finally, shortly after I turned 22 and started my new job, I started to really like this one guy. He liked me too and we dated for a few weeks. For the first time, I was 'connecting' with someone and getting 'attached' to him. It ended when he said he liked me but didn't see me as a gf . That sounds really heartbreaking. But if you were connecting with each other, he should have wanted you to be his gf! I never really understood it when people say that. Basically, what I learned is that if you want a meaningful relationship, you should be more open and look beyond physical attraction when you're dating. The guys who were less attractive I actually came to have stronger feelings for over guys who were hot. I can see that being very possible, BUT I would never love someone ONLY because they treated me well. To me, that's settling. I take it that you were still attracted TO your ex, even if he wasn't hot, right?
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 That sounds really heartbreaking. But if you were connecting with each other, he should have wanted you to be his gf! I never really understood it when people say that. For a long time I thought perhaps I was not gf material because of what he said and basically my self esteem was shattered for a good 1.5 years until I met my first bf. Only after I got a new bf, did I hear that this guy who didn't want me as his gf also did the same to many other girls...turned out he was a player who feared commitment. I can see that being very possible, BUT I would never love someone ONLY because they treated me well. To me, that's settling. I take it that you were still attracted TO your ex, even if he wasn't hot, right? Oh ofcourse I didn't love him ONLY because he treated me well, but that was a huge thing. And attraction can be different for alot of people. When I was younger attraction was largely defined by looks. But as I became more mature, looks ranked low in my list of what I looked for in a guy. That being said, it still plays an important role and basically eventhough he wasn't hot, he was still considered pretty decent looking (certainly above average). I defintely found him alot more attractive than the hot bf on a deeper level as well, which is so much more satisfying than just liking someone on a superfical/looks level. Not sure if this is important info, but I'm considered very physically attractive by guys as well, though it seems alot of guys I meet in real life don't ask me out because I'm also a bit shy/awkward. That's why I only seem to connect with guys from online because I'm much better at connecting with somene initially through writitng than in person.
Author Isolde Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 We sound similar: somewhat popular with guys yet still not really sought after and also a bit shy/awkward. I agree completely about the physical thing: he still needs to be slender and a bit above average for me to consider him, but not necessarily super super cute, although I admit that's still a huge plus for me I go for a weird type too--not muscular or anything, just your gawky WASP type seems to do it for me for some reason ^^
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 We sound similar: somewhat popular with guys yet still not really sought after and also a bit shy/awkward. I agree completely about the physical thing: he still needs to be slender and a bit above average for me to consider him, but not necessarily super super cute, although I admit that's still a huge plus for me I go for a weird type too--not muscular or anything, just your gawky WASP type seems to do it for me for some reason ^^ Haha yea we are very similar! Another thing is that prior to my first bf I was needy/desperate and so I think it turned off alot of guys. After I realized this, I took a 6 month break from guys and worked on building my own self esteem through hobbies and work, and when I entered the dating scene again I was alot more selective and confident. That I think was how I got my first bf and also the 2 other bfs that followed. It was like my life did a 180. Suddenly these guys came at me like a magnet because in a way I was/played 'hard to get'. You have no idea how much neediness/desperation can make a guy lose all attraction to you. They all wanted me to be their gf (and one of em was hot). A slender frame, no facial hair, sufficiently tall are also must haves for me in terms of looks haha. I hate to sound superficial, but on dating sites you have no idea how many guys where I just look at their pic without reading their msgs and then I delete them. I'd say I delete about 95% of them just based on the pics. The remaining 5%, I will read their text and prob delete another 4% so that I really only date that 1% haha.
Author Isolde Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 What dating sites do you use? The only one that seems a) non-corny and b) geared towards my age group is Craigs list but it's awful. I also hate the cheesy, marriage oriented sites.
Green Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 ur 22 the quality of guys on a dating site will go way down
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 What dating sites do you use? The only one that seems a) non-corny and b) geared towards my age group is Craigs list but it's awful. I also hate the cheesy, marriage oriented sites. LOL actually my first 2 bfs were from Craigslist and my 3rd one was from eharmony. It takes time though. I normally sort through a bunch of emails/replies for a few weeks before I even find anyone I'm interested enough to reply back.
Author Isolde Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 ur 22 the quality of guys on a dating site will go way down What exactly are you saying? That I'm too young to try this route?
serial muse Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 We sound similar: somewhat popular with guys yet still not really sought after and also a bit shy/awkward. I agree completely about the physical thing: he still needs to be slender and a bit above average for me to consider him, but not necessarily super super cute, although I admit that's still a huge plus for me I go for a weird type too--not muscular or anything, just your gawky WASP type seems to do it for me for some reason ^^ Hi Isolde - I'm rather older than you (in my 30s) but your posts resonate with me; probably since I recall feeling the same way (and still sometimes do!). I read your other thread, too, and the main thing I wanted to add is that you really shouldn't underestimate the importance of being approachable. People need encouragement to talk to you, and I'm speaking from experience here. That's something I've wrestled with - when I'm feeling out of my element, or nervous, on guard, whatever, I can almost feel the walls go up. And unfortunately, being cautious is generally off-putting, so I have to make a conscious effort not to let it happen. I know that you mentioned (either here or in your other thread) that you don't like the fakeness of being flirty; but that isn't strictly what I mean. I think the important thing isn't to be someone you aren't; it's to allow yourself to be the person you are without instinctively raising your defences. Another thing to consider is that the type of guy you're describing - gawky WASP types - aren't necessarily going to be the most aggressive guys out there, on average; in fact, they may be suffering from a similar fear of rejection and perhaps an almost pathological hesitancy. So what that means is that you'd need to be more overt about your interest in someone like that. For example, the guy you mentioned earlier, who eventually stopped pursuing you - from what you've said, it sounds like he was rather shy, too. So perhaps he needed much more encouragement than you realized? That's where it gets difficult - you may have thought you were giving him plenty, but there could be a disconnect between how openly you're expressing your interest and how strongly you're feeling it - in fact, that could even be an inverse correlation. Sorry if I'm way off base, by the way. But if you're anything like me, approachability would be well worth working on.
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