norajane Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 He sounds like he might be the kind of guy who withdraws when he's got a lot on his mind. If that's a common thing for him, then he just needs time and space to process everything. That's not something you should take personally if that's just how he is. If he doesn't normally withdraw to deal with his problems, then he might be taking some time and space from you as well. He could have any combination of reasons for needing that right now, but you'd know him best.
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Believe me, I'm giving him all the slack I can, and I certainly don't expect him to just "magically" be totally happy and immersed in a new life. This is an adjustment for both of us--all of these life changes would be tough even if he wasn't getting a divorce. This is the hard part of these situations and why I don't think I'm cut out for them if I wanted a MM to leave his M for a chance at a R with me. The fact that we were once hot and heavy while he was still married, but then have to cool things waaaaaay down when he actually does leave is too much for me. What I am trying to say is, take care of you during this period. You are going to need your emotional strength for YOU too. Not just for him. He's going to have his ups and downs, but they needn't be yours. This is even applicable for a BW that's staying in her M. Watching your BF/H withdraw from a R with the W/OW is hard and will require that you take care of you even more. And try not to jump to conclusions about his actions that will be very confusing and contradictory at times. M is hard. D is harder.
Mino Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 He sounds like he might be the kind of guy who withdraws when he's got a lot on his mind. If that's a common thing for him, then he just needs time and space to process everything. That's not something you should take personally if that's just how he is. If he doesn't normally withdraw to deal with his problems, then he might be taking some time and space from you as well. He could have any combination of reasons for needing that right now, but you'd know him best.Norjane, I understand a man needs space, but... what is a normal time frame? This wthdrawel stuff goes over my head,
norajane Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 Norjane, I understand a man needs space, but... what is a normal time frame? This wthdrawel stuff goes over my head, I don't know what's normal for him. You probably do, if you think about it. How long does it normally take him to deal with a troubling issue? Does he dwell, or does he brush past it? Whichever it is, this will take longer than that, because divorce and big life changes compound to give him a lot to think about and deal with.
Author GypsyGirl Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 I've been very into my "me time" over the past few weeks, while being sure to be there for him when he feels like opening up about everything. Honestly, he's back to "normal" already -- I think his meltdown was just his way of dealing with the stress. When he calmed down, I said to him, "You need to be sure that this is really what you want, and if you don't want to leave [wife], DON'T--but if you stay with her, I won't be your 'girlfriend' anymore." And he was actually shocked, because to him, that's not what this is about. True to what he's said and done all along, he really wants out of his marriage--staying is just not an option for him anymore, with or without me. The meltdown was over the same things I'm stressed out about but which I express in a different way: moving into our first home and the responsibility that entails, knowing money's going to be more of an issue now than it ever has been before, leaving the places we call home. On top of all that, I know he was worried that his wife would suddenly have a change of heart and freak out when he said, "I want a divorce." She was fine with the separation, but he's not heartless and doesn't want to cause her pain. Now that he's had the talk with her and she's handling it well, he's more happy and relaxed than I've ever seen him. So, together and in our individual ways, we're both just focused on staying positive about everything, not making this transition any more difficult than it already is, and taking care of ourselves.
Mino Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I don't know what's normal for him. You probably do, if you think about it. How long does it normally take him to deal with a troubling issue? Does he dwell, or does he brush past it? Whichever it is, this will take longer than that, because divorce and big life changes compound to give him a lot to think about and deal with. Yikes, I am so in trouble, he is a total dweller:sick:
norajane Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 If you know that going in, then you can at least relax a little in the realization that it isn't about you and doubts he's having about you. He's just processing in his own way. However, knowing that he's a dweller, also requires that you come up with your own coping methods. Even after this passes, he will ALWAYS be a dweller. Every problem, every issue, he will always withdraw and dwell on the problem, thinking about it and turning it over in his mind until he comes up with his own answer. Be prepared for a lifetime of that and adjust your expectations and reactions accordingly, or you will constantly be under stress. Finally, once this passes and you two are together, he will also have to adjust his way of dealing with problems to include you to some extent. The worst thing about withdraw/dwell people is that they don't include you in their thinking process, either because they feel they've already gotten all the input they need from you or because they are under the impression that they don't need or want much input from you. He shouldn't shut you out to make his own decisions when the problems involve both of you.
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