GypsyGirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Wow--the s**t has hit the fan over here. All of the sudden he's bugging about about how we shouldn't do this, it doesn't feel right. Freaking out about the financial aspect of it, even though we went through this over and over again on paper and agreed it was more than do-able. Whoa. I always knew this could happen, but I never really had a reason to believe it would. I don't even know how to process this.
wildsoul Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Holy cow! I don't know what to say to you right now except take a breath, hold on to your hat, and try to find your center while his winds of change blow.
Deegee Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I hope that you have some sort of support for yourself, 'cause just when you think it COULDN'T happen to you, guess what?! It does! I hope that things work out for you, even if this could be a huge red flag, and to proceed with caution. You do realize that when you're the OW you run the risk of being the one that gets left holding the bag, right?! Just be careful, and tread lightly. and most importantly, TRUST your gut.
blueberry Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 You do realize that when you're the OW you run the risk of being the one that gets left holding the bag, right?! . Yeah, I think most of us realise that from the get-go. Doesn't make it any easier though eh....
OWoman Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Wow--the s**t has hit the fan over here. All of the sudden he's bugging about about how we shouldn't do this, it doesn't feel right. Freaking out about the financial aspect of it, even though we went through this over and over again on paper and agreed it was more than do-able. Whoa. I always knew this could happen, but I never really had a reason to believe it would. I don't even know how to process this. Gypsy - chill. This is something he has to do when he's ready. Like the kid hesitating on the high diving board, it looks pretty scary down there. Yes, he can climb down and walk away, and maybe he has to do that right now because his legs are shaking too much. When he's ready, he'll be able to jump. If that's not yet, then don't get caught up in his panic. He has to face his demons, and that isn't anything you can help with. The good side is, he's understanding the enormity of the decision he's facing, and he's not going to be hit unexpectedly by a freight train later. When he decides, he'll know what he's doing. The facts, financial or otherwise, are not really germane. This is an emotive issue, not a rational one. He's scared, but doesn't know how to say so. I guess all you can do is acknowledge that he's scared, that it's a big thing he's facing, and tell him where you're at. ((((hugs))))
child_of_isis Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Why finances? He isn't tied to his W financially. Or finances of living w/you? Doesn't he pay his share of the bills while with W? Something sounds fishy. Is he weighing both relationships to find which w/be less financially stressful? This, like the dog excuse...is not valid.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 He needs time, so give it to him. Unless he's completely changed his mind and only wants an A with you, yet wants to still be at home with his wife, then dump him. He probably is afraid of all the changes, reguardless of how he feels in his marriage. All you can do is shield your heart and try your best to focus on you, live your life - IF he does want to be with you, he will come to you, but if he waivers and isn't sure, again, think about ending with him.
Patience08 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 GG, I agree with everything these wise women are telling you. Leaving his marriage is a hugh step...step away from him and take care of yourself. Will you still be going forward with the house?...that in itself is another hugh undertaking. Please don't financially strap yourself, I've owned two homes and believe me you don't want to be house poor. Give him his space. He did spend some quality time with you, spent many evenings with you. He was missing in action from his marriage and the wife didn't seem to care. Let him take the leap alone...don't push him. You'll be happy you didn't. Baby steps Peace
Mino Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Hi, this is normal, my mm didnt succeed the first two tries. His concern were not just the money, ( which isnt a problem we are both high earners, but also the leafblower, Give him time and space to sort it out, its all about the fear of change and the unknown... CHILL!!!!!
torranceshipman Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I respectfully disagree with all the posters on this thread...I think that if your MM was a bank he'd be Lehman Brothers right now. Meaning, he's mismanaged this situation, taken too great a risk, lived in a fantasy world of his own making, got hit in the face again by reality, and now isnt in any way capable of meeting the demands of a life with you (i.e. leaving his W). You both had an agreement that he'd leave this weekend, he hasnt done it, he's reneged seriously on a huge promise, and you need to walk away now. If he is freaking out like a little boy then fine, he shouldnt have got himself into this situation in the first place, and you shouldnt be having to pick up the pieces of his inaction (but you are). If he's now deciding to stay with the W....make it clear to him that he's made his decision and thats it. He chose his M, end of story and you're moving on (at least 'til he's single, which I dont think will ever happen). Do NOT let him think it is ok to treat you like this...make him see it means losing you, otherwise I guarantee he'll string you along forever as he knows you'll take it. Your gut must also be screaming at you that the finance line was a big lie. Please, please dont take this as flaming as it is 100% not!-its just that enough is enough. I dont think he ever planned on leaving-he just pulled an excuse out of the bag when it came to crunch time.
torranceshipman Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 And if your bottom line is still to 'win' him, then even more reason to tell him its over - he'll know your terms are not negotiable, and you'll be more elusive and desirable on that basis - he'll have to really value you, to get you. And if he doesnt take further action, he wasnt serious in the first place. I still think he doesnt deserve you after this crap, but I hope things work out for you! (if you were a friend of mine living near me, I'd set you up with one of my hot single friends, of course, so you'd lose interest in him anyway!!)
GreenEyedLady Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Wow--the s**t has hit the fan over here. All of the sudden he's bugging about about how we shouldn't do this, it doesn't feel right. Freaking out about the financial aspect of it, even though we went through this over and over again on paper and agreed it was more than do-able. Whoa. I always knew this could happen, but I never really had a reason to believe it would. I don't even know how to process this. My thoughts: Tell him he's right, you shouldn't do this and good bye, nice knowing you. If he loves you and truly intends on being with you, he'll put on his big boy pants and do what he needs to do. You don't need a waffler; it's such a stressful situation already. And you need to know that he wants to be with you, truly.
bish Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Wow--the s**t has hit the fan over here. All of the sudden he's bugging about about how we shouldn't do this, it doesn't feel right. Freaking out about the financial aspect of it, even though we went through this over and over again on paper and agreed it was more than do-able. Whoa. I always knew this could happen, but I never really had a reason to believe it would. I don't even know how to process this. Well, that sucks for his wife, whether she realizes it or not. I'm sure she isn't thinking clearly, but she gets to stay with a cheating bastard and she doesn't deserve that. Its not a win for her. It would be better for her for her H to be with someone more like him so she can find someone decent.
wildsoul Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Hi there GG, How are things going with your boyfriend and you now? Stressful, I'm sure, but I hope you're doing okay. I'm reading a book that (finally!) arrived in the mail today. How to Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce. OMG...it really speaks to me! As you might remember from the OW forum, my guy recently got his own apartment and is starting the separation process. I got the book because I have no idea how to date a MM going thru this process. I've already devoured 39 pages, and think I might read it all the way thru tonight. It reminds me VERY much of your situation too. I recommend you buy it, pronto! (((HUGS)))
NewSunrise Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Ditto what torranceshipman, and gel said! I double second or third.
NoIDidn't Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 So he's waffling and there hasn't been a d-day yet? I'd end it too. No one would get the chance to get my hopes up only to let me down so badly.
mzdolphin Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I am so new this situation. I thought I'd never be here either. I actually met my MM 17 years ago. It was love at first sight, got physical early and we dated for a while. I was only 22 then, living in Pittsburgh and him in Ohio. We were both single and he was on and off dating with the woman he would marry later. I actually dumped him, moved away, later got married and divorced. This March I ran across his name online (he is a journalist, as am I and his wife) and we are in the same area. He and I hooked up and it started all over again. At the time he said he was divorced. He has been living in another state (first Florida and now Virginia, while she lives in Akron, Ohio) for almost four years now. I found out that he was still married when I noticed him wearing a ring in a news clip online. I confronted him and broke it off. Thinking he was trying to play me, I emailed the wife, thinking this would take everything nuclear, I'd be done with him and he'd have to deal with his wife knowing. Well to my surprise, he got in touch with me and pleaded his case. He said he should not have lied about being still married, but he knew if he told me the truth I'd stop seeing him and he didn't want to lose me. He claims his marriage is over and has been for a long time. I have no doubts (and proof) that he has been living in another state from her all this time. He says he wants to be with me and wants to get a divorce. But the ring keeps popping in my head. I asked him why wear the ring (he never wears it around me) I just saw it on tape. He said it was to keep up appearances at work. I don't get that. Anyway, he has asked me to be patient and give him to the end of the year to sort out this divorce thing. He said he doesn't want her to take everything (they have a home, property back in Ohio). I don't know, I can't believe I'm even in this situation. He calls everyday. We see each other every week (although we live about 90 minutes apart, DC to Richmond, Va.) I love him. He says he loves me. We have a lot in common, much more than he and his wife. It's hard to think of myself as "the other woman". My brother, who has been married for 20 years says "you didn't break up that marriage. That marriage was over a long time ago. No body, except movie stars and military, are ok with their spouse living in another state for four years." So I guess I need to assure myself that I'm not being either a homewrecker or delusional.
Terminator Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You need to ask the moderators to move this to it's own thread rather than hijack the OP's thread.
Author GypsyGirl Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Hi everyone ... I'm kind of ashamed that I haven't posted since last week, but suffice to say that things have been a bit stressful. Everything has worked out. The day he started freaking out, all I said to him was, "Okay. I understand. Take your time and figure out if this is really what you want to do." And the following morning he was fine (aside from feeling terrible about making me upset). He really just had a meltdown over everything, but once he sat with his feelings he calmed down. I do not like the making-me-freak-out-over-nothing aspect of it, but I really did keep in mind that this must be tough, and kept my feelings out of it. In other news, he told the wife this morning that he's moving out on Monday. He wasn't going to do it until tomorrow night, but he ended up having the opportunity this morning, so he went for it. We've hardly even spoken about it yet, but he said it went well, she took it pretty well, agreed (so far) to share the dog, and said she'd file for divorce today (!). So that's where it's at, at least for the moment. Thank you all again so much for listening and for your thoughtful responses. I'll keep you posted, I promise!
jj33 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Thats great news Gypsy. Its not surprising that he would have meltdowns during this process. Its a big deal to leave a marriage even if you are gagging to get out. Its so stressful. I hope it goes smoothly and you are very happy together.
Mino Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Hi everyone ... I'm kind of ashamed that I haven't posted since last week, but suffice to say that things have been a bit stressful. Everything has worked out. The day he started freaking out, all I said to him was, "Okay. I understand. Take your time and figure out if this is really what you want to do." And the following morning he was fine (aside from feeling terrible about making me upset). He really just had a meltdown over everything, but once he sat with his feelings he calmed down. I do not like the making-me-freak-out-over-nothing aspect of it, but I really did keep in mind that this must be tough, and kept my feelings out of it. In other news, he told the wife this morning that he's moving out on Monday. He wasn't going to do it until tomorrow night, but he ended up having the opportunity this morning, so he went for it. We've hardly even spoken about it yet, but he said it went well, she took it pretty well, agreed (so far) to share the dog, and said she'd file for divorce today (!). So that's where it's at, at least for the moment. Thank you all again so much for listening and for your thoughtful responses. I'll keep you posted, I promise!Hi Gypsy, my mm moved out over a month ago. Things seemed really going well. Last week he started withdrawing. You coukd see he was feeling the guilt really bad. Its been a week of hell. I told him I would give him space. I feel like I am in Limbo again. I have told him if he felt regrets to go back home. He says, no...but he still withdrawn. I can only say, if you think its hard waiting for him to make the move, its even much harder when he has made the move and is going through his hell. I am sitting here staring at the wall all day today, not understanding the world anymore, I wish you luck....
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Everything has worked out. The day he started freaking out, all I said to him was, "Okay. I understand. Take your time and figure out if this is really what you want to do." And the following morning he was fine (aside from feeling terrible about making me upset). He really just had a meltdown over everything, but once he sat with his feelings he calmed down. I do not like the making-me-freak-out-over-nothing aspect of it, but I really did keep in mind that this must be tough, and kept my feelings out of it. Everything hasn't 'worked out' yet. He could still change his mind. Just because he says all is OK now, doesn't mean in a week, or 2 weeks from now he won't freak out again. I honestly don't know how you expect him to pop of out his marriage, end it, divorce and just start living a new life with you. He needs time to grieve the loss of his marriage, like it or not - AND he needs to heal from that. He can't give 100% of himself to you, not for a while. Not only is his marriage over, but inlaws, their friends, extended family, neighbours..ALL of it - IS going to change. Give him some slack.
Author GypsyGirl Posted September 26, 2008 Author Posted September 26, 2008 Believe me, I'm giving him all the slack I can, and I certainly don't expect him to just "magically" be totally happy and immersed in a new life. This is an adjustment for both of us--all of these life changes would be tough even if he wasn't getting a divorce.
DealingWDrama Posted September 26, 2008 Posted September 26, 2008 WOW what an emotional rollar coaster. I experienced this with my hubby when he was playing both sides of the fence. He would tell me he was unhappy and blah and didn't know if he wanted to be married to me...finally I got sick of his stuff and told him to move out - he was gone for 24 hours before I got the first I love you text message and was sitting in our living room crying iwth in 48 hours. Marriage is a huge deal - even when the MM say that they are miserable...if they really were miserable, there would be no excuse for them to not leave the marriage...especially if they fell in love with another person while being miserable. The one thing I have learned about men is when they are DONE they are DONE - there is no wishy washy anything! You have to decide what you really want...and make the best decision for you....hugs!
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