Ingenue Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I've pondered this question for a few weeks now. On some days I feel like I'm ready to at least entertain the idea of dating. But then the voices of my friends chime in and advise me that I should wait for at least 6 months before attempting to even jump into the dating pool again, otherwise it'll just be a rebound relationship. I was with my ex for five years and the unstated rule is that it takes roughly 1 month for every year you're together. So 5 or 6 months seems like a reasonable time to wait before dating. I made an early New Year's resolution that I would hit the dating scene on January 1, 2009. The logical side of me realises that there is no set timetable for healing a broken heart, the other logical side of me realises that I cannot place my life on hold while I wait until I'm completely healed. Is it better to wait until you're completely over your ex before starting to date? I read the encouraging posts on this site about not stalling your life and getting on with things by at least "faking it until you make it" and "dipping your toes into the waters". For the most part, I'm doing okay. I have an occasional bad day every now and then, but maybe I should entertain the idea of dating again. It'll be three months next week since I was dumped. Maybe I'm ready to least open my mind to the possibilities of dating again. When is too soon?
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 It has been 14 months since the man I was with for 10 months brutally dumped me one morning for not having the exact same career as his and walked out the door, never to be seen again. (I am a writer/bellydancer/filmmaker/clothing designer, he's an old-time bass player, and apparently only an old-time fiddle player can truly understand him, so he has gone off to try to find a girl with that career.) I will never recover. My heart is shattered, my self-esteem is shattered, and my ability to trust other human beings is now nonexistent. I will never date again because I will never trust again. If it were possible to get over a five-year relationship in five months, I'd be ecstatic. But as it is, my life, my joy, and my capacity for trust are completely gone. It took him only ten months to completely destroy me. At 37, I have enjoyed dating and sex for the last time.
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 It has been 14 months since the man I was with for 10 months brutally dumped me one morning for not having the exact same career as his, and walked out the door, never to be seen again. (I am only a writer/bellydancer/filmmaker/clothing designer, he's an old-time bass player, and apparently only an old-time fiddle player can truly understand him, so he has gone off to try to find a girl with that career.) I will never recover. My heart is shattered, my self-esteem is shattered, and my ability to trust other human beings is now nonexistent. I will never date again because I will never trust again. If it were possible to get over a five-year relationship in five months, I'd be ecstatic. But as it is, my life, my joy, and my capacity for trust are completely gone. It took him only ten months to completely destroy me. At 37, I have enjoyed dating and sex for the last time. There is no such thing as a formula -- I personally am destroyed forever over a 10-month relationship. I do, for what it's worth, hope you don't turn out like me, alone forever, and that someday you are actually able to date again. You may, though, unlike me, have some actual worth as a human being, so hopefully things will go better for you! Part of the problem for me has been that I simply am not worth loving.
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 When is too soon? I think the only way to really know is to actually try it. If it's too soon, believe me, you'll know it. (Your head, heart, and/or body will rebel against spending time with someone else; you'll go home and cry over the ex; you'll think it's hopeless; etc --- all signs it's too soon) Here's the funny thing. I had my first date post-breakup about 2 weeks ago. I hated it. Hated the guy. Cried over my ex. Got pissed that I had to start over. For some reason there were a number of guys in the queue, so since then I have met two more guys in person, talked by phone with another guy, and have two dates, wait 3, this week. Somehow something shifted in me and whereas on that first date I was a wreck and hated it and it was too early... I am kind of moving into a mental space of thinking it's at least not a bad way to spend a little time. In fact, I am actually looking forward to Wednesday's date. I guess I say all that to let you know that no matter what, you should expect it to be a rough re-entry. You may decide after one date/guy that it's too soon and you want to wait til Jan 09. Or you might decide to keep meeting people. Nobody's holding a gun to your head. You can do whatever you want, including canceling dates if you're not up to it (I canceled two last week!).
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Wow, Sunshinegirl, that's amazing that you get asked out like that! I never get asked out, which is part of the reason why this breakup was so tough for me. It took me over a year of following him around for him to notice me. I can't even imagine what it would be like to get asked out on a date! I think I'd pass out if that ever happened to me -- at 37, it hasn't yet! But again, I'm not worth anything, so there is that factor, I suppose.
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 LOL - this is all online stuff. I don't meet people in everyday life due to the nature of my work (small company, I travel a lot and work from home sometimes) so it's all match and eHarmony. Part of what that means is that I had to put myself out there. I have probably done it a little bit too soon - I'm not entirely over Eric - but my personal philosophy is that we can get about 80% healed on our own (however long that takes), and then the rest is some combination of time and meeting someone else. My friends have remarked that I am recovering MUCH faster this time than with previous exes, and it's true. I think it helps that (a) Eric was so clearly a jerk at the end, and (b) I harbored subconscious doubts all along. Whenever I put Eric back up on that pedestal, I have 100 people IRL and online who quickly remind me of his jerkiness and general lack of skill/maturity for the kind of relationship I want and deserve.
EmperorR Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 For me, I don't feel attraction to any women period, the only thing i really miss is the companionship just having someone to talk to when i feel like etc. , I know people ar elike oh move on ever day is easier but not for me, every day is harder because I loved her so much, I don't think I'll ever date again because I don't think I will eer open myself up to anyone like that, and I don't want ot have my heart or trust broken again, once ii recover if i do, i'd rather be single.
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 every day is harder because I loved her so much, I don't think I'll ever date again because I don't think I will eer open myself up to anyone like that, and I don't want ot have my heart or trust broken again, once ii recover if i do, i'd rather be single. Absolutely. It hasn't gotten easier for me, it's gotten harder. He singlehandedly destroyed my ability to ever trust another human being again. I don't really talk to people or meet people anymore because I don't want to bother them like I bothered him. I don't want to annoy people with my presence the way I did him. Sorry for the double post above, don't know what happened. I apologize for taking up so much space.
Trialbyfire Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 It's never too soon to date casually after a break up. As long as both you and the other person are aware that it's just for an entertaining evening or evenings, why not?
Karma101 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I also did Match after my divorce, which is where I met my (now) XBF. It was a great way to "get back on the horse" and I went on some great, and not-so-great, dates. It was good practice after having been out of the dating scene for so long. I'll venture back online, though not yet... Sedgwick...ouch. Don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like he is ONLY a old-time bass player! I'm in a bit of a funk myself, but no man, and I mean NO MAN, will rob me of my self-worth. A companion should augment your own intrinsic happiness, not define it. Life is too short. Life does go on... If you let it. As soon as you realize you are a "catch", others will see your confidence and come-a sniffin'!!!
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks for saying that, Karma, but I'm 37 and I've never been asked out in my life. I have never been with anyone I haven't pursued. The guy I was with, the bass player, was physically GORGEOUS, and astonishingly talented, and I am most definitely neither of those things. I'm having a hell of a time forgiving myself for having taken up his time. I need desperately to apologize to him for all the music he didn't have time to play when he was wasting his time in my presence, and I can't give him that apology because he's not speaking to me, because I am not an old-time musician. It's a vicious circle, and it's just destroying me that I can't apologize to him for not being a fiddle player and for making him be seen in my presence. He must have been so embarrassed!!!!!!!!!!!!! As for "only" an old-time bass player -- I now know that that is the height of what human beings can be. I thought before I met him that film, literature, dance, and design were as worthwhile as music, and I suppose I have him to thank for teaching me that they're not, so I don't ever bother anyone else again by hanging around them being so blatantly not-a-musician. I have for sure learned my lesson. I don't know how you forgive yourself when you've done something as bad as what I've done. But I can do some kind of penance by not ever trying to date again, not ever making anyone else waste their time with me. That, at this point, is the only option I have.
Author Ingenue Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I do, for what it's worth, hope you don't turn out like me, alone forever, and that someday you are actually able to date again. You may, though, unlike me, have some actual worth as a human being, so hopefully things will go better for you! Part of the problem for me has been that I simply am not worth loving. Sedge, you have a lot of worth. You're articulate, successful, intelligent and compassionate. Those are wonderful qualities in a human being. Every person is worth loving, even moreso when we're all feeling a bit down. *hugs* I think the only way to really know is to actually try it. If it's too soon, believe me, you'll know it. (Your head, heart, and/or body will rebel against spending time with someone else; you'll go home and cry over the ex; you'll think it's hopeless; etc --- all signs it's too soon) I guess I say all that to let you know that no matter what, you should expect it to be a rough re-entry. You may decide after one date/guy that it's too soon and you want to wait til Jan 09. Or you might decide to keep meeting people. Nobody's holding a gun to your head. You can do whatever you want, including canceling dates if you're not up to it (I canceled two last week!). I think you're right about assessing whether I'm ready or not. I can psych myself up all I want but if I'm actually not feeling it come date time, there's not much that can be done despite all the mental preparation in the world. I think my main concern is that I don't want to impede my emotional healing/progress that I've made to date. It sounds so silly (and part of it is fear of course. I haven't been in that pool in over 5 or 6 years) so I'm a bit reluctant to. It's never too soon to date casually after a break up. As long as both you and the other person are aware that it's just for an entertaining evening or evenings, why not? This is so true. Why not indeed. I'll just be explicit that it's only to have fun and I'm not looking for anything. Part of me (and this is the bad part of me) is that I need to date, move on and show my ex what a fabulous person I still am. It's probably an ego thing and partly a spite thing. I'm fairly certain that my ex is attempting to date already (that's the whole reason we split), so I ask myself why can't I?
Author Ingenue Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I also did Match after my divorce, which is where I met my (now) XBF. It was a great way to "get back on the horse" and I went on some great, and not-so-great, dates. It was good practice after having been out of the dating scene for so long. I'll venture back online, though not yet... Too bad there wasn't some sort of instructional school for folks of the recently single status. I'm sure quite a few of us wouldn't mind the low-pressure option of practising to date again with other folks who just want to get back on the horse after a time away. I can already imagine the instructionals I'd sign up for: how not to be a dork on the first date
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 All the dating sites are so expensive! What is match.com, like $40/mo or something? And I think eharmony is even more than that? I couldn't afford to date if I wanted to! And Ingenue, thanks for saying I have worth, but I know I don't, and I'm trying to be okay with that. If I had any value as a human being he'd still be speaking to me. He taught me I was worthless, and at least I can try to honor him by learning that lesson once and for all! I will never again take any more music out of the world by forcing musicians (or anyone else) to waste their time in my presence. I just wish I could let him know that I *DO* get it that I'm a total piece of sh*t, and that I did learn the lesson he was trying to teach me. Then maybe at least he could forgive me a little bit. It's so weird...I had actually sort of started to like myself when I met him. I guess I should thank him for putting me in my place. I will for sure never like myself again.
Issues & tissues Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 For me, I don't feel attraction to any women period, the only thing i really miss is the companionship just having someone to talk to when i feel like etc. , I know people ar elike oh move on ever day is easier but not for me, every day is harder because I loved her so much, I don't think I'll ever date again because I don't think I will ever open myself up to anyone like that, and I don't want to have my heart or trust broken again, once i recover if i do, i'd rather be single. Emperor, that is eactly how I feel. My boyfriend of 10 years dumped me 8 months ago. He was everything to me and the day he walked out he took with him my self-esteem, my self-confidence and ability to love and trust anyone again. Like others on here, I have resigned to the fact that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to ever have to go through such pain ever again. I have made it through this one (just!) but I am not so sure that I could ever handle another break up of this scale.
RogueAC Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Ingenue, I have wondered many of these same things. You’ll know if it feels too soon. Remember—dating is just dating. You are just meeting people and getting to know them. One date or two dates or a few dates does not mean you need to be in a relationship with that person. As a good friend of mine says, "you are trying them on to see if they fit." Just be honest with yourself and open with your dates about your expectations. I know I am not over my ex yet but that doesn't mean that I can't have fun and meet new people. As long as you feel good about things -- why not give it a try?
RogueAC Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I can already imagine the instructionals I'd sign up for: how not to be a dork on the first date Lol. I would sign up for this class too!
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Lol. I would sign up for this class too! Nah, the real trick is just to find the person who loves your special brand of dorkiness.
ed-205 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Originally Posted by EmperorR > For me, I don't feel attraction to any women period, the only thing i really miss is the companionship just having someone to talk to when i feel like etc. , I know people ar elike oh move on ever day is easier but not for me, every day is harder because I loved her so much, I don't think I'll ever date again because I don't think I will ever open myself up to anyone like that, and I don't want to have my heart or trust broken again, once i recover if i do, i'd rather be single. Originally Posted by sedgwick> Absolutely. It hasn't gotten easier for me, it's gotten harder. He singlehandedly destroyed my ability to ever trust another human being again. I don't really talk to people or meet people anymore because I don't want to bother them like I bothered him. I don't want to annoy people with my presence the way I did him. Originally Posted by Issues & Tissues> Emperor, that is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend of 10 years dumped me 8 months ago. He was everything to me and the day he walked out he took with him my self-esteem, my self-confidence and ability to love and trust anyone again. Like others on here, I have resigned to the fact that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to ever have to go through such pain ever again. I have made it through this one (just!) but I am not so sure that I could ever handle another break up of this scale. Posted bi ed-205> I could have written any of these posts by myself. I have been dumped so many times that I feel as if something inside me is broken, and I never want to experience the pain again. It's been over 18 years since I've bothered to even attempt to ask a woman for a date .. even a "casual" one. The one main difference that *I* feel, is that I am alone *BY CHOICE!*... > I won't "Open-up" again, not because I'm afraid I'll get hurt again, but because I don't want to be bothered with anyone else's personal/financial/medical problems - I'm selfish that way. > NONE of the women who tossed me off Destroyed *ANYTHING* in me. If I do not choose to trust others, it's because I don't trust myself and my own best judgment - something only I can ruin, and I can fix, if I really want to. > *They* did not take away my self esteem, my self confidence, nor my ability to love. They have no more control over these things that they do over the color of my hair - they might convince me to dye it another color, but *I* am still the one who has to make it happen. As long as an Alcoholic can blame someone else for their drinking problem, they have no compelling reason to change, and they will continue to use that as their *reason* to keep drinking. Don't blame your problems on someone else! When you do that, you GIVE them the ability to make you miserable, and THEY aren't going to take the responsibility to change that. Only YOU can do that, and you start by taking responsibility for your own issues. Be alone the rest of your lives if that's what you choose to do (I did!), but don't blame someone else for that decision. Don't give them that much power over you and your future!
nowhereman82 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I would not worry so much about how to act or how they may perceive you. Each date I have been on I always wonder how I will be perceived or if they will like me....and each time the date has gone fine and I have gotten a second date. So just be you and be a little picky with whom you choose to go out with
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Also, rebuild and expand friendships. Being friends with people of both sexes not only fulfills our need for social contact, it also builds a network of people in real life who know single people FWIW, there's nothing "wrong" with a rebound relationship. It's part of being human. Being honest about your perspective and history will go a long ways to lessening any pain from such a relationship. The only way to know if the timing and person are right is to try
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 there is no such rule.. you date whenever YOU feel like you are ready to... simple as that.. never mind your friends.. you might pass right passed the love of your life.. just follow your gut feeling.. If we would follow this 'little voice' we would prevent ourselves of so much pain most of the time.. but we just 'shut it up'...
Intergalactic Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 i, for one, love dorks. i'm hoping it won't be too hard to find someone who is a bit geeky and has an odd twist to their sense of humour again
Author Ingenue Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 I'm a big lover of dorks myself. I dated one for 5 years and he was the dorkiest of all dorks around and I loved him for it. I'm pretty dorky too so it was a good fit. I'm quite certain i'm not prepared for any serious relationship (it's too soon), but I am open to going out on casual dates (I think). About a week or two after I was dumped, a fella asked me out, which gave me an ego boost, but I was barely able to even clothe myself, forget about thinking about other men. One of my friends mentioned the great advantages of rebound relationships. I just can't picture myself having one, partly because it's not fair to the other party and partly because I'd feel so guilty knowing it was a rebound. Something about having the "hi, you're only a rebound conversation" makes me queasy. I just need to pick up my bootstraps, don some clothes and hit the single scene (in a few more weeks...probably)
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