Star Gazer Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Is he medicated now? What explains his abrupt change in behavior?
Author shadowplay Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Is he medicated now? What explains his abrupt change in behavior? He's not on any medication. I think he tried some ADD meds as a teen, but it didn't do much. I'm not sure how to account for his abrupt change. He believes he had some revelation about his anger toward his parents, but I also think it may be the life transition he's going through -- moving and being back in school. I've never seen him this happy. In the time I've known him he's always been mildly depressed. Lately he's been super active and pursuing all of his interests. Seeing him this confident and self-actualizing has also increased by interest in him. I hesitate to say it's a permanent change until I have some strong evidence. Time will tell.
GPFan Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 What does it say about our culture and time that a guy's first thought after getting engaged is whether to change his facebook status?I don't think it says a thing about our culture but it does tell me this is a person who is emotionally immature (not saying this would be unexpected at his age) and not prepared for the demands of marriage and raising a family. However there is a long, time-honoured tradition of people marrying 'young and dumb.' I think this is so because by the time one is 'older and wiser,' one is more hesitant toward making any risky moves.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Just have to add one little update about something that's getting on my nerves (though it's not that serious). My bf has no modesty. None. And in the last two weeks any shred did have has flown out the window. Every time he does something clever he says to me "your bf's smart, isn't he?" or simply "I'm smart." He keeps bragging about being the smartest person in his class of 200, which he says puts him in the 99.5% percentile. He's also asked me several times in the last few days whether he's a genius. WTF. I mean he is pretty smart, but he needs to get over himself in this regard. It's out of control, and I'm irked about constantly having to validate him. Is this normal behavior?
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 I think when you have been through the ringer with a guy, as you have with him, you sort of numb out, and just get conditioned to not overreact to things. I think that's what's happening here. Guardedly optimistic is good. You are smart to realize that this is odd behavior, all from his emotional break-through. He hasn't proven himself to be too reliable at times, so nothing wrong with just playing it out and seeing how it goes, you know? Hey - so long as the two of you are in a good place, then nothing wrong with staying with him and seeing how it goes. As my Mom would say, "hope for the best, expect the worst." Thanks, that will become my motto. I tend to have low expectations for life in general.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 This thread is disturbing. I'm very curious as to why you just didn't laugh when his "proposal" was brought up! I wouldn't even bother posting about this, it's a non-event that cannot even be taken seriously!
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 This thread is disturbing. I'm very curious as to why you just didn't laugh when his "proposal" was brought up! I wouldn't even bother posting about this, it's a non-event that cannot even be taken seriously! Care to elaborate on this?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Just have to add one little update about something that's getting on my nerves (though it's not that serious). My bf has no modesty. None. And in the last two weeks any shred did have has flown out the window. Every time he does something clever he says to me "your bf's smart, isn't he?" or simply "I'm smart." He keeps bragging about being the smartest person in his class of 200, which he says puts him in the 99.5% percentile. He's also asked me several times in the last few days whether he's a genius. WTF. I mean he is pretty smart, but he needs to get over himself in this regard. It's out of control, and I'm irked about constantly having to validate him. Is this normal behavior? My ex friend who may or may not have bipolar disorder (not the one I was talking about in this thread) but claims she does have it does this ALL THE TIME. She brags about her SAT scores and how she finished school early. She never got less than an A in school, blah blah. I'm like, you're living in the past honey, because high school is 20 years behind you!!! Anyway, it was SOOO annoying. How are you supposed to respond to that? Wow, you are smart. Wow, did you really score 1500 on your SATs? Or how about this: Well I did pretty well in school but I certainly received a B now and then! She was also a major liar so i took everything with a grain of salt.
Jilly Bean Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Just have to add one little update about something that's getting on my nerves (though it's not that serious). My bf has no modesty. None. And in the last two weeks any shred did have has flown out the window. Every time he does something clever he says to me "your bf's smart, isn't he?" or simply "I'm smart." He keeps bragging about being the smartest person in his class of 200, which he says puts him in the 99.5% percentile. He's also asked me several times in the last few days whether he's a genius. WTF. I mean he is pretty smart, but he needs to get over himself in this regard. It's out of control, and I'm irked about constantly having to validate him. Is this normal behavior? No, I don't think it is, Shadow. Since his *breakthrough*, he seems to be terribly erratic. I am not a training psychologist, so his exact pathology eludes me, but his behavior still makes me uneasy. It could be bipolarism, or the beginnings of schizophrenia. Continue to watch him. I think you're doing the right thing in just remaining calm while he swirls around you. Whatever is behind this change in him, will reveal itself soon enough.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Have you talked to your mom about this at length? Isn't she a psychologist?
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Care to elaborate on this? Well, first of all, you yourself "doubt" his sincerity in all this. I don't think a proposal should be a situation where you should even have an inkling of the other person's insincerity or even have to question whether it is even a proposal. Secondly, I still have no clue whether he's talking about wanting to marry you one day v. actually proposing and putting an engagement ring on your finger. Then you talk about you're not committed to him at this point, but when you're engaged, aren't you committed unless you decide to break off the engagement? Thirdly you say he's immature for his age and has been known to exhibit erratic behavior, so why are you even taking all this seriously? And finally, you say he has no modesty. Did he just pull this stunt as a temporary ego boost from you saying yes? I don't know, not trying to be harsh, but if a guy I was seeing did something like this, I wouldn't even be confused, it would be clear to me he wasn't serious and that something is seriously wrong with him! I think you deep down know this as well since you are really doubting his sincerity anyway. Just my two cents!
torranceshipman Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I agree that he sounds a bit unstable. All this over a 'revelation about his anger towards his parents' is quite off the wall-it's a strange thing to say. I think you should really trust your instincts here, as I think he might have depression or some manic bipolar thing or something else-you did say he's always been mildly depressed, after all...hope I'm wrong though.
Author shadowplay Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Well, first of all, you yourself "doubt" his sincerity in all this. I don't think a proposal should be a situation where you should even have an inkling of the other person's insincerity or even have to question whether it is even a proposal. Secondly, I still have no clue whether he's talking about wanting to marry you one day v. actually proposing and putting an engagement ring on your finger. Then you talk about you're not committed to him at this point, but when you're engaged, aren't you committed unless you decide to break off the engagement? Thirdly you say he's immature for his age and has been known to exhibit erratic behavior, so why are you even taking all this seriously? And finally, you say he has no modesty. Did he just pull this stunt as a temporary ego boost from you saying yes? I don't know, not trying to be harsh, but if a guy I was seeing did something like this, I wouldn't even be confused, it would be clear to me he wasn't serious and that something is seriously wrong with him! I think you deep down know this as well since you are really doubting his sincerity anyway. Just my two cents! No, I think you're probably right. I think he genuinely did mean it at the time, but he's so fickle that I'm skeptical it will last. It annoys me more than anythign that he gets my hopes up and insists I believe he's being sincere when he changes his mind all the time.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Yeah that's what it sounds like, which is NOT fair to you at all! This hot n cold needs to stop, but he's ultimately only responsible for that to a certain extent knowing how he is. The other responsibility lies with you! I know it's hard when you're almost "addicted" to a person, but I think it would be healthier for you in the long run to be with someone more consistent, someone who says what they think/feel and is sincere so you never have to guess and overthink what his true intentions are!
Ocean-Blue Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 No, I think you're probably right. I think he genuinely did mean it at the time, but he's so fickle that I'm skeptical it will last. It annoys me more than anythign that he gets my hopes up and insists I believe he's being sincere when he changes his mind all the time. Shadow, I'm curious as to why you're even considering marrying him when you've said that you're not in love with him. If I recall, you started a thread where you lamented the fact that you haven't fallen in love (except with two men who were unavailable to you). Why do you want to marry him? The way I see it, you shouldn't even be worrying about him or his intentions or the sincerity of his proposal. YOU are not ready to marry him...so why are you distracting yourself with these thoughts? Are you trying to make him a challenge in hopes that it will "help" you fall in love with him? What is it about him that keeps taking you back to him?
mtevermust Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Congrats to you, if it's right for both of you. Sounds like you need to check a couple non-bias opinions. Just my 2 cents. :-)
Author shadowplay Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Shadow, I'm curious as to why you're even considering marrying him when you've said that you're not in love with him. If I recall, you started a thread where you lamented the fact that you haven't fallen in love (except with two men who were unavailable to you). Why do you want to marry him? The way I see it, you shouldn't even be worrying about him or his intentions or the sincerity of his proposal. YOU are not ready to marry him...so why are you distracting yourself with these thoughts? Are you trying to make him a challenge in hopes that it will "help" you fall in love with him? What is it about him that keeps taking you back to him? I've been reflecting on this over the last few days and come to my senses in that I don't take the engagement thing seriously anymore. I really wanted to believe it, which is why I was in denial. He was so emphatic about his breakthrough that it was hard to question his veracity, even to myself. To answer your question, Ocean, my feelings about him are complicated. I love him (and I really mean that), but you're correct that most of the time I do not feel completely in love with him. What keeps me coming back is he has everything else I could ask for aside from one thing and I'm afraid that I'll never find somebody else with all of those traits. He's extremely smart, brilliant even, by far the smartest guy I've ever dated and intelligence is my number one emotional trigger. And his intelligence isn't just limited to one area -- he's good at almost everything and extremely interesting to talk to. Just listening to him talk to other people is a huge turn on. I always feel so proud of him -- how smart, funny, and charming he is. I have so much respect for his mind. Before we were dating I was actually jealous of how smart he was, but now it just makes me feel happy and proud, especially when I think that he'll pass those genes down to our kids (if we ever have them). He's the complete opposite of me in that he's very extraverted, proactive and thinks well on his feet. He's also cultured and interested in all of the same things I am -- art, music, film. Not to mention the fact that he's extremely masculine in both personality and appearance. He's tall, athletic and broad-shouldered, doesn't have a trace of femininity or weakness. Being at a school where most of the male population consists of dumb jocks I appreciate what a rare find he is. The one thing that keeps me from being totally in love with him is his emotional unavailability/inconsistency. When he had that "epiphany" or whatever it was two weeks ago it was like a switch flipped. Suddenly he was the complete guy I'd been craving. He was present and connecting with me. It was f--king amazing. I've never felt as close or connected to anyone as I did while that lasted. I did feel in love. We were dancing at a party one night, completely connected, and I had tingly surge through my whole body. But as you guys predicted it didn't last. Sigh. Not that he's been an a-hole or anything, but things have subtly shifted back to the way they were before. I still feel content with him at the moment because things are going well. He just lost that exuberance or intensity...whatever it was. He insists that we're "engaged," but somehow I don't believe it anymore. Maybe he is being serious and I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but something in my gut is holding me back. It just makes me sad to see what could have been. I know he has the potential to be that way, if he had some way of getting over his emotional hang ups. Why do I stay with him? I love him. We both love each other but we're like two people who can't connect despite the mutual love between us. There's this invisible wall built out of fear. Today I suggested to him that he see a therapist to work on his mood swings. At first he reflexively dismissed the idea out of pride, but he finally agreed to make an appointment with health services at our school. Do you guys think there's a possibility that through therapy he'll get over his fear of intimacy?
Dirk Diggler Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I love him. We both love each other but we're like two people who can't connect despite the mutual love between us. There's this invisible wall built out of fear. This does not sound very real, but more two people having a level of co-dependency issues and finding real and fictional reasons to create this "mutual love". If that were true the whole proposal thing would be very serious and backed up by a long term sign of meaningful actions. (Which does not seem to hold true at all in this case). My suggestion would be deep individual therapy to get to the source of your own individual issues, as well as couples therapy if this relationship has any chance of survival.
Author shadowplay Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 This does not sound very real, but more two people having a level of co-dependency issues and finding real and fictional reasons to create this "mutual love". If that were true the whole proposal thing would be very serious and backed up by a long term sign of meaningful actions. (Which does not seem to hold true at all in this case). My suggestion would be deep individual therapy to get to the source of your own individual issues, as well as couples therapy if this relationship has any chance of survival. I guess I'm a bit confused by your first sentence. There's no doubt in my mind that we love each other, but it's a love frayed by fear, anger and distrust. I want to modify something I said earlier. I think I am in love with M, but in a quiet way. It's not a earth-shattering feeling; most of the time it sits in the background. Yet whenever I face the prospect of losing him I feel its full force and depth. It's not because I'm dependent on him which suggests he's just a space-filler whose individual characteristics don't matter to me. Whenever I miss him, I miss him -- his smell, his body, his expressions. I realize that most people reading this will negate my feelings, but there they are. I just don't understand what is wrong with our relationship, and why it lacks consistency. If we both really care about each other then why are we so quick to throw everything away whenever we hit a rough patch? Why can't we stabilize? Is there any way of ever healing the gaping would I created seven months ago? I will look into couples therapy.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I just don't understand what is wrong with our relationship, and why it lacks consistency. If we both really care about each other then why are we so quick to throw everything away whenever we hit a rough patch? Why can't we stabilize? Is there any way of ever healing the gaping would I created seven months ago? Lacks consistency Can't stabilize Healing the gap IMO, these are qualities not only of your relationship but also of each individual in the relationship.
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