shadowplay Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Whatever strange state my bf was in has seemingly passed, but he still maintains that confessing his childhood memory to me freed him up emotionally. He keeps referring to us as engaged, and I guess I did accept his marriage proposal the other night (though I wasn't taking it very seriously at the time). I'm not sure what to make of this. Is it wrong that I'm excited by the possibility of one day marrying him? Our relationship has done a 180 since we started school together, presumably because we now have lives to occupy ourselves outside the relationship. My hang up with him has always been his emotional unavailability, but if this is a real change that will no longer be an issue. He has everything else I could possibly want -- he's brilliant, charming and extraverted, masculine, talented at an amazing number of things, shares my values and interests. We complete each other well in that we fill in for each other's weaknesses -- he's confident and extraverted while I'm shy, he's practical while I'm more of a dreamer. I also want his genes for my kids. I wouldn't say he's my soulmate (though he seems to think I'm his), but I don't know how important that is. I guess I'll just wait for awhile and see if this lasts.
sweetbutcheeky Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 so apparently we're engaged... "I guess I did accept his marriage proposal the other night"
paddington bear Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Do you mean school as in high school? If so, no marriage for you young lady. If he's done a 180 degree turn in the last while then how will you and he change in the next few years? I read your other post where you mentioned that he asked you to marry him. And you did say yes, so I'm guessing you're engaged...but if you are, make that a loooooong engagement. The guy seems to have issues that flattering as it seems, when he says that one conversation with you resolved a lot of things, sounds to me like it will take him a while to come to terms with a lot of stuff. As to whether he's your soulmate or if that matters...can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with your boyfriend or not? That's the question you need to ask yourself. And are you willing to be his personal counsellor for the rest of your life too. Yes it's lovely when our boyfriends reveal all sorts of emotional intimate stuff to us and cry on our shoulders...but, but, but, I've been there and you end up as a mother/therapist and not an equal partner in the relationship, so be wary.
Ocean-Blue Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 shadow, is this the same bf that posted on LS a while back?
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Is this the same boyfriend who breaks up with you every other week? (I know it is and I'm just being sassy--but really shadow, I thought you were smarter than this! Two days of his manic happiness, in comparison to a year of drama/breakups/heartache?)
almost famous Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 If he has proposed and you do want to marry him, you need to set the date ASAP. Get him to elope. I'm not kidding here.
Author shadowplay Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Lol. I knew people would call me crazy, and you're probably right. I should stress that I will only agree to marry him under the condition that his change of behavior lasts. I told him this, and he maintains that something deep within him has shifted. Like you guys I'm very skeptical, but only time will tell. Not only that but I also need to undergo some changes of my own, like becoming less dependent on him (which I've been working on since we started back at school). Until then, there's no firm commitment on my end. I need to make this clear to him. I guess I've been afraid to "break the spell" by expressing my doubts, but anything that fragile won't last anyway. It's a shame that none of the beauty of our relationship translates onto LS because of the selective nature of what and when I write. I know people will immediately dismiss the following, but what the heck. Most of the time we are amazingly compatible. We have a huge amount in common and are close on many levels. We're the kind of couple that have a million inside jokes, finish each other's sentences, are constantly holding hands and touching, whose thoughts frequently run together. We also share the same interests (art, music, film) and life goals (pursing a creative career, never compromising our dreams for financial gain, constantly expanding our knowledge, living outside the US, pushing our children hard to succeed). I wish you guys could see us in action, because you'd probably be shocked. If you just observed us from the outside without any knowledge of what I've written here you'd probably think we were just any cute, in love couple. Despite everything, all the pain and the ups and downs, there's a lot of love between us. We've also both matured a great deal in the past year. I'm not saying it's going to work, but I wouldn't rule it out. It's not as black and white when you see the complete picture in all its nuance. And I may be crazy but I'm not stupid enough to marry somebody who is as inconsistent as he has been in the past. He'll need to prove to me that he's really changed before I fully commit.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Lol. I knew people would call me crazy, and you're probably right. I should stress that I will only agree to marry him under the condition that his change of behavior lasts. I told him this, and he maintains that something deep within him has shifted. Like you guys I'm very skeptical, but only time will tell. Not only that but I also need to undergo some changes of my own, like becoming less dependent on him (which I've been working on since we started back at school). Then why are you/do you think you two are engaged? Until then, there's no firm commitment on my end. I need to make this clear to him. I guess I've been afraid to "break the spell" by expressing my doubts, but anything that fragile won't last anyway. Again, why do you think you are engaged? It's a shame that none of the beauty of our relationship translates onto LS because of the selective nature of what and when I write. I know people will immediately dismiss the following, but what the heck. Most of the time we are amazingly compatible. We have a huge amount in common and are close on many levels. We're the kind of couple that have a million inside jokes, finish each other's sentences, are constantly holding hands and touching, whose thoughts frequently run together. We also share the same interests (art, music, film) and life goals (pursing a creative career, never compromising our dreams for financial gain, constantly expanding our knowledge, living outside the US, pushing our children hard to succeed). I wish you guys could see us in action, because you'd probably be shocked. If you just observed us from the outside without any knowledge of what I've written here you'd probably think we were just any cute, in love couple. Despite everything, all the pain and the ups and downs, there's a lot of love between us. We've also both matured a great deal in the past year. I'm not saying it's going to work, but I wouldn't rule it out. It's not as black and white when you see the complete picture in all its nuance. And I may be crazy but I'm not stupid enough to marry somebody who is as inconsistent as he has been in the past. He'll need to prove to me that he's really changed before I fully commit. You contradicted yourself in both the first and second paragraph of this portion. You listed all the good things, then said you are unsure you will work out and you are unsure if he is "the one" and you can't committ. You accepted a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL to someone you aren't sure of marrying. That is not fair to either of you. And also, when he refers to the two of you as engaged when you really aren't, I would say "no honey, actually I'm your girlfriend." (if that's all you want to be right now).
Lucky_One Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Are you engaged, or are you just talking about getting married one day. Engagement = a ring, him asking your father for your hand, discussion of a timetable, lovely engagement dinners with both sets of parents. I am not getting a sense of this at all.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Are you engaged, or are you just talking about getting married one day. Engagement = a ring, him asking your father for your hand, discussion of a timetable, lovely engagement dinners with both sets of parents. I am not getting a sense of this at all. I agree. Someone telling you they want to marry you someday and you agreeing, is different then being PROPOSED to (with a ring, down on one knee, question type proposal)
Author shadowplay Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I agree. Someone telling you they want to marry you someday and you agreeing, is different then being PROPOSED to (with a ring, down on one knee, question type proposal) He asked me point blank a few nights ago, "Will you marry me, Shadow?" I said yes. He said "does that mean we're officially engaged?" I said, "I guess it does." Then he asked me what we should do since he doesn't know the standard protocol other than a ring, which he can't afford (he's a student like me). He asked me who he should tell that we're engaged and whether we should change our facebook status. Since then he's been referring to me as his fiance and referring to us as engaged. He also asked me if I want a diamond ring, and I told him I don't really want a ring. I'm not into the ceremonial aspects of marriage and engagement.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 This all sounds very strange to me. He is emotionally absent for months, and now all of a sudden he is not only proclaiming his love for you, but also proposing marriage? All because he told you about his childhood memory? This all just sounds like too much. Take this VERY SLOWLY. Have you guys had a conversation about his abrupt change in behavior? I mean, it doesn't really make sense.
Lucky_One Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 A marriage is a big deal. You are both treating as though you are in jr high. "Will you be my GF?" "Sure, why not." "OK. Hey dood, she's my GF now." "Oh wow, man, we gotta change our Facebooks!" Has he spoken to your father in person to ask for your hand? Have the two of you gone to each set of parents and discussed your intent to marry?
Author shadowplay Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 This all sounds very strange to me. He is emotionally absent for months, and now all of a sudden he is not only proclaiming his love for you, but also proposing marriage? All because he told you about his childhood memory? This all just sounds like too much. Take this VERY SLOWLY. Have you guys had a conversation about his abrupt change in behavior? I mean, it doesn't really make sense. I'm not going to lie; it is pretty bizarre. I keep going back and forth between excitement and fear and doubt. We've had brief conversations and he maintains that some emotional block was lifted.
Author shadowplay Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 A marriage is a big deal. You are both treating as though you are in jr high. "Will you be my GF?" "Sure, why not." "OK. Hey dood, she's my GF now." "Oh wow, man, we gotta change our Facebooks!" Has he spoken to your father in person to ask for your hand? Have the two of you gone to each set of parents and discussed your intent to marry? LOL. It does feel middle school like, but my boyfriend is rather clueless and immature for his age in many respects (he's 24). What does it say about our culture and time that a guy's first thought after getting engaged is whether to change his facebook status? Honestly, though, I didn't realize men still asked a girl's father for her hand in marriage. That seems kind of outdated to me.
Lucky_One Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 "What does it say about our culture and time that a guy's first thought after getting engaged is whether to change his facebook status?" It says that we are doomed.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Are you engaged, or are you just talking about getting married one day. Engagement = a ring, him asking your father for your hand, discussion of a timetable, lovely engagement dinners with both sets of parents. I am not getting a sense of this at all. Not everyone is a sheep. why must we all be herded through the same path?
Lucky_One Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Not everyone is a sheep. why must we all be herded through the same path? Amazing how all the non-sheep still want a big wedding, a rocking band, an open bar, and a BUNCH of cash gifts, just like all the other sheep. It's no wonder that there are so many divorces and so many marital problems, when marriage is taken so lightly.
Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Shadow, I think you are wise to be cautious. I know you have a lot of history and feelings for him, but you seem to have a certain emotional distance right now, which is good. It shows me that you are able to take a step back and evaluate things relatively dispassionately. Which, when it comes to this topic, is smart. His sudden epiphany is alarming at worst, and suspect at the least. Continue to monitor it from a distance.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Amazing how all the non-sheep still want a big wedding, a rocking band, an open bar, and a BUNCH of cash gifts, just like all the other sheep. It's no wonder that there are so many divorces and so many marital problems, when marriage is taken so lightly. I agree, those same marriages that are "by the book" are people just going through the motions... sheep. That's why I want someone who doesn't see divorce as an option when making a commitment as serious as spending the rest of their lives with someone else.
Lucky_One Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I agree, those same marriages that are "by the book" are people just going through the motions... sheep. That's why I want someone who doesn't see divorce as an option when making a commitment as serious as spending the rest of their lives with someone else. I totally totally totally agree that marriage is a huge commitment!! I don't understand when people take it so lightly.
Author shadowplay Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Shadow, I think you are wise to be cautious. I know you have a lot of history and feelings for him, but you seem to have a certain emotional distance right now, which is good. It shows me that you are able to take a step back and evaluate things relatively dispassionately. Which, when it comes to this topic, is smart. His sudden epiphany is alarming at worst, and suspect at the least. Continue to monitor it from a distance. You're right about my emotional detachment. I would be thrilled if things worked out between us, but I've seen enough of his behavior to be fairly jaded about any sudden ups and downs. The one thing that is giving me some hope is I've never seen him anywhere near him this invested or expressive.
Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 You're right about my emotional detachment. I would be thrilled if things worked out between us, but I've seen enough of his behavior to be fairly jaded about any sudden ups and downs. The one thing that is giving me some hope is I've never seen him anywhere near him this invested or expressive. I think when you have been through the ringer with a guy, as you have with him, you sort of numb out, and just get conditioned to not overreact to things. I think that's what's happening here. Guardedly optimistic is good. You are smart to realize that this is odd behavior, all from his emotional break-through. He hasn't proven himself to be too reliable at times, so nothing wrong with just playing it out and seeing how it goes, you know? Hey - so long as the two of you are in a good place, then nothing wrong with staying with him and seeing how it goes. As my Mom would say, "hope for the best, expect the worst."
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