I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Well, see, here's the thing - there IS more to a relationship than the chase. Well you obviously know NOTHING about the seriousness of teenage relationships!!!
roxy_1980 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 In earlier relationships, some people don't realize when they have a little too much "together time", it becomes toxic to the relationship. Having the interests and friends that you had outside of the relationship is important too. After all, what do you have to talk about if you're together ALL THE TIME? You need to talk to her about having time apart within the relationship. It's not about being "hard to get", it's about being the whole people that you both were before you got together. Alot of those other aspects of your life is what makes you attracted to each other in the first place.
Mahatma Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 The first time I read this, I was very appalled by the apparent immaturity here. You basically want games. You want to play and compete. You should not have a girlfriend right now. However, after I cooled down, I can understand a little bit of how you feel. Maybe you should just take a break from dating. You sound young and like you just want to have some fun. Go have fun and come back when you are serious. As for how to break up with the girl, I do not know. Sounds to me like she really likes you. The first step is thinking about the problem, then you post it on some forum, next it begins to really bother you and you start fighting. You could try being "busy" with whatever more often. Start only seeing her 4 days a week, then 3... and then see how things go. I will warn you that doing this sort of pulling away may make her cling harder. If you told her to back off, she would be doing something she did not enjoy to just sustain a relationship. I think a healthy relationship needs some air from time to time, but I absolutely love talking to my girlfriend every day, see her 3 days a week, and wish I could see her more. We both are very serious and into the other person. In your case, you should look for a girl more your type.
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I think the advice of dating around would be better. When the chase means more than the capture, then get it out of your system by hunting to your heart's content. Most people get sick of it after awhile and get to the point where they're ready to finally settle down into a relationship. Some people never do and when that happens, it's best they remain single and free.
AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 This thread is very interesting to me - often, there is a bit of a consensus between "advisers" on here, about the situation. Here, there is a wide range of divergent opinions. There is also a lot of conflicted thoughts within individual posts, too - showing how this issue really is fraught with complexity. It seems like there is a spectrum of behavior regarding contact and attraction levels. Gender seems to be a factor in this discussion - not that it's always black and white, but "the chase" and hunting seems to generally be a male fantasy of how attraction can run high toward a woman who resists or is mysterious. This is a kind of surface-level attraction that seems to be important to the initial "anticipation" stage of a relationship. Spending lots of time with someone because you're invested in them and connected to them is another whole kind of attraction that stems from the substance of the person. So, perhaps we are discussing two different phases of a relationship? In that case, length of time spent in the "superficial" chase attraction phase is a main difference between opinions, here. Some people want to know a lot about someone they're interested in, and are comfortable launching into his / her life and the deeper kind of attachment more quickly - and other people want to build anticipation and attraction by engaging in the "hunting" phase for a longer period of time. Does that make sense, at all? I find this topic VERY interesting, because my recent experience. My last relationship failed when the guy I was with started mentioning needing more space, and that we "skipped" the pursuing phase, and that I wasn't very "mysterious." He is 24, and I am 28 and am divorced. We did, indeed, jump right into intimacy and daily contact, as well as domestic activities like me making his lunches for him, etc. To me, that seemed way more normal, because I've been married (was with the guy 8 years) and I'm still not entirely used to the early stages of dating, yet. On his end, he had just been chasing a woman for several months in the state he moved here from, and he never "got" her. We both were super into each other at the beginning - actually, I think he was more into me than I was into him. He told me how refreshing it was that I was open and not running away. Then, he started to feel weird about things - because we went so fast and were spending so much time together. I was feeling weird, too - mainly because of feeling like I didn't actually know him well enough to be suddenly waking up next to him almost every day. So, we called it off fairly mutually, but he felt terrible about it, and I was sad. He said he wants to "try again" after a bunch of NC time has passed. Is it all about maturity difference, or differences in what the person "wants" from dating? Is it a timing issue? Is it a clash of dating "styles?" Is it a gender difference? I don't know. My sense is that it is ALL of these things. Thanks for listening! I hope this helps a bit. Best of luck. My advice would echo those above who have suggested saying - in a nice way - that you want to build anticipation by talking on the phone less and having a few days that you spend apart. Be positive about it - like, "wouldn't that be fun? Think of how good it will be to see me after a few days of not seeing me! Think of how good the sex will be!" Etc. I don't recommend simply dumping her, because it sounds like you do like her. I think both my ex and I regret ending the relationship, right now. He says he's really unhappy that we broke up, and I also wish we'd taken a step back instead of just quitting. It's up to you, though! Only you know how much you truly like this girl, and what you want out of your experiences. Best of luck!! -Hilarie
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Scraggle, some good thoughts and observations. One thing that is also a factor is age, although you might have addressed it with your reference to maturity. Many of the opinions provided in this thread are from 30+ year olds, myself included. I'm probably over-reaching myself but perhaps that's part of the issue with yourself and your b/f. He's 24 years old, still young enough to enjoy the chase more than the outcome. People under 25 are generally still morphing at a pretty fast pace. You're 28 AND divorced, which probably automatically makes you more consistent and mature.
AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Yeah, I think you're totally right about the age difference, Trialbyfire. Ugh. It's a bit annoying, actually - because the guy and I have tons in common - the maturity / age difference just put us in different places, romantically speaking. I just had a phone conversation with him, and he reiterated that he thinks anything further between us would be a mistake - at least at this point in time. I was like, ugh. Okay.
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