Should I stay or go?

[Biggie25x]

Hi all, thanks for the help. I've never posted in one of these before so please forgive any mistakes. I need advice on when you think it's time for a divorce and maybe to get advice on my situation. I'm 32 and my wife's 34. We met in 1997, moved in together in 1998 and got married in 2002. We've been together a long time. We both have jobs and work full time and thankfully at this stage we have no kids. I'd say we share the housework 60/40 in her favor as I'm very aware how hard she works and my need to help around the house. I wish it was 50/50 but no matter how hard I try I just can't get it as clean as my wife:). It's not good enough for her though.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. We fight all the time, the sex we have is robotic, you know the same way in the same place. I know I want to experiment and try to spice things up but she says she's lost romantic interest because of all the other things she has to do and the state of our finances. I have admitted to spending too much and making us a step from bankrupcy. I have since learned the error of my ways and stopped compensating for a bad relationship by buying things. She can't face that fact and does not want to admit the economic realities of our situation. This is compounded by me having to possibly move to get a better job as the market where I live is terrible and I'm in sales so my paycheck is just not looking good for the near future. I have gone from 50k last year to about 36k to 40k, so the situation is bad and there aren't many more prospects where I'm currently living.

 

Things economically are bad but in my opinion can be worked out by a couple commited to staying together and working through the situation. The same goes for the sex, I get it maybe once or twice a week. It's not enough for me and it's just to robotic. She has no interests in expanding her or our horizons or be romantic. I don't know when a healthy sex drive and the need for variety became a bad thing but with her it seems to be. She told me yesturday that her idea of romance is picking up the door or mowing the yard. I didn't know what to say but I know my jaw was on the floor.

I mean I try to spice things up but she just doesn't put anything into it. For example, this past week we argued but seemed to reach a point where we were getting along. I left for work Saturday morning and left a not to her saying to let's spend the rest of the evening pretending we're on vacation (as due to finances we can't take a real one now). In Montana where we live it's getting cold and it was rainy weather all weekend so I figured lets watch some movies in bed, enjoy each others company and reconnect as a couple. She called me at work and said what a great idea. I called on my way home to see what movie to rent and she said her aunt was going to get a makeover and she wanted to go. Ii turns out she didn't go because her aunt and while she was on the phone with her aunt talking about it I got home and she mentions she has to clean the house too as it turns out she spent all day talking to her friends. So while she was talking I spent the next hour speed cleaning the house so she could relax and enjoy herself this weekend. Well, it turns out after all this we went to dinner but when she got home she had to go to her vacationing friends house and take care of their cat for an hour. By that point it's 11pm and I'm exhausted and falling asleep and she gets home and wants to know why if I always want sex why I'm tired now. We had rote sex but just wasn't satisfying (how can sex not be satisfying?). This is definatly not the first time this has happened.

I am at the end of my rope. I love the concept of having a wife but I don't know if I love her anymore. Or better yet I love her but don't know if we can meet each others needs in the relationship. We have no intrests in common and don't really talk about much other than business. We fight all the time and while I'm ready to change and she says she is a littel bit I don't get a sense of her sincerity. If her past track record is anything to go by I shouldn't hold my breath. She's not happy, I'm not happy. Why stay in it?

[JackJack]

Have you both tried marriage counseling? Is that out of the question for either of you?

[Biggie25x]

Yeah, she doesn't want to spend the money. I don't know if I can even try anymore, anyway.

[JackJack]

Yeah, she doesn't want to spend the money. I don't know if I can even try anymore, anyway.

 

 

If you not willing to try and you think she is not either, then set her free and yourself. Life is to short to be trapped in something you're not happy in, espcially if neither of you are willing to put forth any effort to try to save it.

[Biggie25x]

I guess it's not unwillingness on my part....more of a tried it several times for several years and nothing has changed and I can't do it anymore type of feeling.

[JackJack]

I guess it's not unwillingness on my part....more of a tried it several times for several years and nothing has changed and I can't do it anymore type of feeling.

 

I understand, and you can't do it alone. A marriage is about two people, so in order for it to work she will have to do her part. However, you can't make someone do somethig they don't want to, so unfortunatly at some point you may end up having to make that decison to end things if you feel you're in this by your self.

[Biggie25x]

I know how hard it is when you want to change the dynamics of a relationship but she won't work with you. One thing I'm finding out is there's a difference between doing and saying.

[Deanster]

You know what that sounds like to me?

 

Marriage, one of - Check!

[Biggie25x]

Deanster, could you please explain? Sorry don't mean to offend just understand.

[Deanster]

Sorry - I was just trying to say that what you describe seems like a fairly typical marriage.

 

Nobody's perfect, and over time, the strains can build up. I know there's a few folks out there with easy, simple marriages that just 'work', but they seem to be few and far between.

 

Go look at getting some counseling, realize that all the jokes on sitcoms about how there's no sex after marriage are there because almost everyone can identify with the situation, and take extra care not to get her pregnant while you're trying to figure out what to do.

 

Of course, I'm feeling a bit bitter and cynical at the moment, so you might take my advice with a grain of salt...

[Crimzoclo]

Maybe she is depressed and it is making you depressed. Have you tried other ways of communicating and connecting with her? Whoever is the grouchiest between my husband and I, that person gets a massage. She can't always be the grouchy one- maybe most of the time, but I'm sure not always. Also, have you done long deep breathing with each other- put your forehead against her forehead, look deep into one another's eyes and breathe. Sounds lame, but it works for my husband and I. When one breathes slowly and deeply, it calms a person getting rid of anxiety. It is meditation and meditation is so boring to do by yourself, so if you are lucky, you can do it with your partner. Hope that helps.

[Lucky_One]

Have you told her that you are thinking of a divorce and why?

 

When people are faced with a strong consequence, it can be a wake-up that honest communication and effort are necessary at this point.

 

Another thought - she seems to be avoiding you. Any chance she could be involved with anyone else? Going out at 10:00 to take care of a cat is weird.

 

Next time, go with her for company, stop at DQ to get her a sundae, and then seduce her on the neighbor's floor to entertain the cat.

[Biggie25x]

Mr Lucky

 

I tried to entertain the cat so to speak but no go. I have gone with her several times for the week her friend left and we were watching the cat. I don't think the problem is an affair. Just different people.