Emmie Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I would appreciate advice on whether I am being unreasonable. There are two parts to this problem; money and family involvement. I am with my boyfriend of six years. He recently received a lot of money from someone in his family. Boyfriend quit his job and is in school full time. I am also in school but work at the same time. The money he got is partially being used to pay his half of the bills. He feels he cannot work while in school and I am okay with this, it is his choice. Although we each have our "own" money (mine from my job, his from this family fund), we still consider it "our" money and I thought we reached the agreement that we would discuss major purchases together so we could plan ahead. This wasn't really my idea, but the sum he got from his family was so large that he insisted I consider it "mine" as well (given the fact we were planning on getting married). To that end, we have voiced to each other many times that we should discuss how we spend it, and I do discuss with him when I make major purchases using my personal income. I found out the other day that Boyfriend tried to spend $7,000 from his family fund without telling me, on something he doesn't need. Specifically, on a vehicle (he already owns four). It is in another state and he'd have to drive and pay to have it towed back. The way I found out was that I overheard him talking to his sister on the phone. He told her not to tell me. This sister is, in my opinion, way over-involved in our life, and he and I have had discussions before about not sharing our personal lives with her. He tends to talk to her about our fights, finances, and anything in between. I'm angry and feel betrayed. Not only did he spend this without talking to me, but he told his sister and is keeping it a secret between them, when it's none of her business and should be mine. The other issue is that he did not end up getting the car; he lost the auction for it. So he will be able to tell me he didn't buy anything and I can't argue unless I want to tell him I overheard his phone conversation. I guarantee he will never tell me the truth unless I confront him with that. I feel this might be a relationship deal breaker. He sure talks a lot about me being the most important thing in his life, but refuses to act like it. Other POVs would be very welcomed.
High Plains Drifter Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I would appreciate advice on whether I am being unreasonable. There are two parts to this problem; money and family involvement. I am with my boyfriend of six years. He recently received a lot of money from someone in his family. Boyfriend quit his job and is in school full time. I am also in school but work at the same time. The money he got is partially being used to pay his half of the bills. He feels he cannot work while in school and I am okay with this, it is his choice. Although we each have our "own" money (mine from my job, his from this family fund), we still consider it "our" money and I thought we reached the agreement that we would discuss major purchases together so we could plan ahead. I found out the other day that Boyfriend spent $7,000 from his family fund without telling me, on something he doesn't need. The way I found out was that I overheard him talking to his sister on the phone. He told her not to tell me. This sister is, in my opinion, way over-involved in our life, and he and I have had discussions before about not sharing our personal lives with her. He tends to talk to her about our fights, finances, and anything in between. I'm angry and feel betrayed. Not only did he spend this without talking to me, but he told his sister and is keeping it a secret between them, when it's none of her business and should be mine. I feel this might be a relationship deal breaker. He sure talks a lot about me being the most important thing in his life, but refuses to act like it. Other POVs would be very welcomed. Unless you're married, then you don't have any "deal" and there is no "our" money. But, If you've been together 6 years, then you're probably legally "married." (Common Law), and depending on your state, you could take half his assets, which sound to be considerably more than your own. I suggest you may remind of him of these facts, and return the purchase.
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Other POVs would be very welcomed. I hope you really mean that. He's a "boyfriend," not a fiance or a husband. Six years in this day-and-age does not a lasting commitment make. As for the rest, that's strictly up to your tolerance level for being disregarded.
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Unless you're married, then you don't have any "deal" and there is no "our" money. But, If you've been together 6 years, then you're probably legally "married." (Common Law), and depending on your state, you could take half his assets, which sound to be considerably more than your own. I suggest you may remind of him of these facts, and return the purchase. Common law marriage is recognized only in the following states: Alabama Colorado District of Columbia Georgia (if created before 1/1/97) Idaho (if created before 1/1/96) Iowa Kansas Montana New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only) Ohio (if created before 10/10/91) Oklahoma Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05) Rhode Island South Carolina Texas Utah
Author Emmie Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 I hope you really mean that. He's a "boyfriend," not a fiance or a husband. Six years in this day-and-age does not a lasting commitment make. As for the rest, that's strictly up to your tolerance level for being disregarded. I absolutely mean it. I am REALLY frustrated by this. I love him but it's gotten to the point where I can't comfortably enjoy myself around him, knowing that what comes out of his mouth ("you're the most important thing to me... etc.") isn't going to hold up to his actions. I'm seriously considering ending this and I just want to know how others feel about it. Nice to get another perspective. Re: six years together... I know, we're not legally or lastingly tied. In some camps, we're engaged; we just haven't officially set a wedding date or purchased rings. I know that sounds very juvenile, but we are actually both around age 30 and have reached an understanding together. Legally, I couldn't care less about the money... I can take care of myself. It's more the betrayal that is driving me nuts.
Ronni_W Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 the sum he got from his family was so large that he insisted I consider it "mine" as well I think it was short-sighted and slow-witted of him to even think that, nevermind suggest it out loud. Especially since you do not care about the money, tell him that you want to release him from his asinine 'agreement' as it is causing too many problems between the two of you and you value your strong and mutually supportive relationship much more than his lousy inheritance. Let love reign supreme, in other words.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Legally, I couldn't care less about the money... I can take care of myself. It's more the betrayal that is driving me nuts. I would say that if your concerns are only based on this instance, you're over-reacting. But if he has a history of saying one thing and doing another, then your plans for marriage would seem ill-advised. Which is it? Mr. Lucky
Author Emmie Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 I would say that if your concerns are only based on this instance, you're over-reacting. But if he has a history of saying one thing and doing another, then your plans for marriage would seem ill-advised. Which is it? Mr. Lucky Not involving his sister in our lives is just one example of him doing this sort of thing. He will repeatedly listen to me, claim to 'get it,' then turn around and do as he pleases. The fact is that he lied right to my face when I asked about this, and that combined with his history of not following through makes me feel this isn't going to work.
High Plains Drifter Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Legally, I couldn't care less about the money... I can take care of myself. It's more the betrayal that is driving me nuts. So, he "betrayed" your trust that he'd discuss the expenditure of $7,000 with you. OK. What did he say after you told him this?
dcgirl33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I think you are over reacting. Unless, you two are hurting financially, what's it to you? You should be more concerned about the fact that he did not feel like he could tell you. It seems like you are trying to control something that is not even yours. Don't try this at home!!!! Could he afford to buy that car? Not did he need it because ultimately I assume he is grown and you don't decide what he needs. You're going to turn him completely off if you don't drop this. Maybe, in your heart of hearts your resent the fact that you have to work for funds and his were given to him.
Moose Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I love him but it's gotten to the point where I can't comfortably enjoy myself around him, knowing that what comes out of his mouth ("you're the most important thing to me... etc.") isn't going to hold up to his actions. I'm seriously considering ending this and I just want to know how others feel about it.If this, "secret" is the only thing standing in your way of not being comfortable, then you should call off the marriage. Involving his sister in your relationship is just a way for him to vent his frustrations. My sister and I have a very close relationship, I tell her everything and she does the same. My wife knows this, just as I know she spouts everything off to her mother. It's just a way to get things off our chests....and believe it or not, it's benefited our marriage more than once. Can you honestly say that you don't discuss your relationship woes with a friend or family member? Money is the number one relationship killer. The sooner couples agree that one, or the other, or even a 3rd party, (my preferred method) should be in charge, and not both, the sooner you'll get along....
High Plains Drifter Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Maybe the car was a present for you. LMAO:laugh:
carhill Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 OP, family trust money is his sole and separate property, even if you are married, unless he chooses to co-mingle it with your community funds. Get legal advice on this, especially if we're talking 7 figures. He'll likely want a pre-nup and IMO he's stupid if he doesn't. I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed. Topically, it's his money and he can do with it what he wants, just like my wife can spend the money she earns as she pleases, mindful of her marital responsibilities. Has he abrogated his financial responsibilities to the R in any way? The dynamic you discuss is more indicative of your disparate perspectives regarding money and relationships in general. I'd be very careful with that and definitely seek counseling before getting legally married. Good luck!
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I've heard that the big three causes of arguments in relationships are family, money, and sex. I know what it's like to have to deal with an overinvolved family member of the boyfriend. I can say from experience that it is unlikely to change. That relationship has existed for their entire lives, so it's probably well-established by now. He has a close relationship with his sister, and at most he will probably keep you in the dark about it -- not a good idea. If you want to stay with him, you're probably just going to have to accept the relationship as it is. It sounds to me like the real problem here is his words and actions not aligning. That is a form of dishonesty, and something I personally can't tolerate for long. There is no excuse for being dishonest and keeping things from you. If your boyfriend fears your reactions, well, he needs to face the music and deal with it.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 He will repeatedly listen to me, claim to 'get it,' then turn around and do as he pleases. The fact is that he lied right to my face when I asked about this, and that combined with his history of not following through makes me feel this isn't going to work. Well then, I'm not sure why you titled this thread "The money argument" as finances seem at best a subplot to your situation. In short, I wouldn't consider marrying - or even staying with - someone I couldn't trust... Mr. Lucky
Author Emmie Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Thanks for all the responses, guys. I will address a few things: -Prenups and the financial legality of the situation pale in comparison to what I consider a direct lie. He told me flat-out that he didn't do this, and he had done it, and when confronted with the truth he blew up at me. This isn't the first time that's happened. -I'm not resentful of his money; I love my job and am proud of what I earn. What I do resent is the fact that when he got the money, he and I agreed (I'm aware this isn't a legal statement) to consult each other about major expenditures. He didn't do that and lied about it. I've told him before I don't care what he spends it on. I do care when he lies to me. -Regarding me being too controlling about the money; I really hope someone will believe me when I say I wouldn't ever tell him what to do with it. The reason I called this 'the money problem' is because it was the spenditure of money that caused the problem. Last time, his lying to me was about drugs. I also think his lying was caused less by "me making him feel he can't tell me" than it is by shame. He has told me in the past he has an addiction to buying things online; he once racked up thousands of dollars of credit card debt doing this. So to hide it from me is more than just "oh, he didn't tell me about this one thing;" it's the start of a bigger problem. In terms of the agreement he and I had, which was to tell each other about what we buy if it's large enough... well, I know it's not legally binding. I know we're not married, and that I don't have a leg to stand on in court. But I doubt anyone can show me a relationship in which the couple doesn't have a few things between them that they do for each other which are far from legally signed documents. I know it's "too bad, so sad" when it comes to any rights I'd have to the money; I don't care about that. I care that he violated our trust, even if it wasn't legally outlined.
Lizzie60 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 well, from what I read, you two are living together, common-law... eventhough you are not legally entitled to this money.. you both had a verbal agreement about the finances... I would also be p*ssed... My word has always been just as important as my signature.. he has no word... simple.
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