redosier Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 My boyfriend of 3.5 years just spent the weekend in las vegas for a friend's bachelor party. The bachelor is from LA where my bf grew up and I've never met him or any of the other attendees. (Background: BF and I live in NYC but for the next 4 months he's 4 hours upstate finishing his MBA. He comes down to NYC to stay with me most weekends. We just spent the summer living together in NYC. We're in a serious, committed relationship). Anyway...I know that many women are perfectly comfortable with their SOs going to strip clubs, etc. As much as I'd like to feel completely "cool" with such a scenario I just—deep in my gut—am bothered by the idea of attached/committed guys paying money to ogle/touch/become aroused by beautiful naked women dancing (and doing whatever else they do) just inches away from their face. I have no overt fear of BF actually cheating on me with one of these women but, try as I might, can't get around a deep rooted aversion to the fact that this type of behavior is considered completely acceptable in our culture (rationally, I know there is nothing I can do to change this). Anyway, to cut to the chase, I tried to stay grounded and really didn't give him a hard time about going in the weeks leading up to the party. I just requested that he be open with me about whatever happened, and said that while he was there I might want for us to check in with each other a little more frequently than I'd usually deem necessary. He was like "No problem! I'll call you every HOUR if you want!" In fact, he actually thanked me (while he was out in Vegas) for being so cool and nice about everything. He also said that he actually thought there was a good chance that there would be no strip clubs involved since the groom is so straight laced. Of course we didn't wind up talking nearly every hour, lol, but did check in a few times—not a problem at all. When he was in the airport ready to fly back I did of course ask if they wound up going to a strip club. He said, well, yeah, they wound up hiring 2 private strippers to come to the groom's hotel room. This immediately made me feel upset, and though I tried to temper my reaction I probably sounded less-than-happy. I asked him a few questions for minute or 2 we talked, and he told me the strippers had the groom strip down to his underwear and lie down while they danced over him (and the best man) but he then he had to turn his cell phone off for the plane to take off and said he'd tell me the whole "story" later. When we finally talked after he'd landed he was very sweet, talked about how much he missed me (due to his studies upstate we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks now and won't be seeing each other for a few more days) and said he'd spent the last 40 minutes just looking at the pictures of me that he has on his phone But then I asked him if we could talk a little bit more about what happened with private strippers. I actually felt pretty calm about the whole thing by this time, but my curiosity got the better of me and I just wanted to know more (after all, he'd promised me the "story"...). But as I asked him questions he just got really upset, defensive, and eventually angry (he's not a guy to get angry easily). I felt like I was being pretty calm about it and emphasized that I wasn't angry with him, but that it didn't change the fact that I wasn't happy about the situation. But maybe I pushed him too far. I asked about how attractive the strippers were (btw, they cost $1500+ for 40 mins of dancing. is that normal??) and about whether or not he felt attracted to them, whether he enjoyed it. He wouldn't answer any of these questions and just got really angry. When he asked what I was worried about, I wound up answering with complete honesty: I suppose my biggest fear is that you find yourself more attracted to the strippers than to me. He insisted that he didn't think any of the other attendees SO's asked their husbands/bfs ANYTHING about the weekend (he's only friends with one guy there other than the groom, so I'm not sure how he could conclude this) and that my questions were completely out of line because they are an invasion of the Groom's privacy. He began to insist that I don't have any right to know anything about the weekend at all. My answer was, no of course it's not my "right" but I'd feel more comfortable about things if we could communicate openly and completely about what happened. His reluctance to share with me only made what may well have been a fairly benign strip show (if such a thing exists) seem much worse. What do you guys think? Am I completely overreacting?
Ronni_W Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Am I completely overreacting? Short answer: Yes. I think you allowed your own insecurities to turn a molehill into a mountain. He really shared with you more than you ought to have needed, and likely would have realized you needed (if you hadn't let your insecurities start directing the conversation and running the show in your head - if that makes sense?) There is also to consider that he will want to have some experiences in life that are about him and his buddies...and that is perfectly fine for him to have. It's not a reflection on his relationship with YOU. His relationships with his buddies are separate and apart from you. Same as yours with your g/friends ought to be.
manugeorge Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Well, I think maybe the question about the attractiveness of the strippers and if he found himself attracted to them is what makes you come across as overreacting. If you are opposed to strippers because of the plain ridiculousness of it all, i.e. $1500 in 40 mins, what a waste of money. Then that is a different story that maybe shows a difference of values between you two.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 His defensiveness might come from protecting someone else, and not himself. The groom and the best man may have gotten some 'extra' that 'stays in Vegas', but unless your boyfriend paid one of those girls personally, he probably only got a show and not much else. I asked about how attractive the strippers were (btw, they cost $1500+ for 40 mins of dancing. is that normal??) and about whether or not he felt attracted to them, whether he enjoyed it. He wouldn't answer any of these questions and just got really angry. When he asked what I was worried about, I wound up answering with complete honesty: I suppose my biggest fear is that you find yourself more attracted to the strippers than to me. As for his answers, never ask a man questions like that - that is right up there with 'do these jeans make me look fat?'. You have put him in an impossible situation. If he lies and says 'no I wasn't attracted and no I didn't enjoy it' - then you won't believe him and would simply badger him more. If he tells the truth: 'yes the strippers were attractive (at that dollar amount, they probably were!), and yes I enjoyed it, and these girls have nearly perfect figures and are beautiful' then you will dissolve into a puddle of low self confidence and take it out on him. For a man, a stripper is not something to be compared to a girlfriend. He was likely attracted to their looks and overt erotic moves, but that does not mean he likes them more than you. It is two ENTIRELY different things. You pushed him, backed him into a corner and trapped him there, and he had nowhere to go - so he did what anyone does when they are trying to escape. He trampled you over on the way out, and trampled your feelings too. He didn't say anything because either way he was f*cked with whatever he answered, and he may well have been covering someone else's ass.
blondiepants Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I don't think you're overreacting. You are in a committed, open relationship with someone who watched two dancers strip naked and gyrate on other men (hopefully not him). Personally, I have never been into the whole "sex as entertainment" scene, and expect the same from my partner. I find it pathetic, silly, disrespectful, and plain lame. You were open enough to let him go - he needs to return the favor and set your mind at ease.
IrishCarBomb Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 he needs to return the favor and set your mind at ease. I'm curious how you'd feel about what Lucrezia said here: As for his answers, never ask a man questions like that - that is right up there with 'do these jeans make me look fat?'. You have put him in an impossible situation. If he lies and says 'no I wasn't attracted and no I didn't enjoy it' - then you won't believe him and would simply badger him more. If he tells the truth: 'yes the strippers were attractive (at that dollar amount, they probably were!), and yes I enjoyed it, and these girls have nearly perfect figures and are beautiful' then you will dissolve into a puddle of low self confidence and take it out on him. And also: For a man, a stripper is not something to be compared to a girlfriend. He was likely attracted to their looks and overt erotic moves, but that does not mean he likes them more than you. It is two ENTIRELY different things. Just curious.
rainfall Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 [quote=redosier;1839373. What do you guys think? Am I completely overreacting? Not at all. You are in a committed relationship and your bf was out acting like a single guy hanging out with strippers. (Although I think at 1500 for 40 minutes there is a good chance they were actually prostitues.) If your bf was telling the truth about what he said went on it doesn't sound like he actually touched the strippers but I still think he should do whatever it takes to put your mind at ease over what happened. I just don't understand the point of a bachelor party. You are about to marry someone you love enough to spend the rest of your life with but not until some strange naked chick rubs herself all over you. I guess that is one of the many reasons I will never get married.
Ocean-Blue Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 OP, I can understand why you're upset. I would be too if I asked my bf Qs about the bachelor party and he got defensive. I am by nature a very curious person and believe in full and 100% disclosure. That said, I do think you are overreacting a pinch. Some guys get defensive about this kind of stuff because they simply see it as TMI. He figures he has nothing to hide and didn't do anything wrong, so why are you gently but persistently pushing for more information? He might've perceived your asking for more information as a sign that you don't totally trust him or that you are uncomfortable with the idea. You seem to be a tad passive aggressive here. You should've told him from the get-go in very clear terms that this bothers you, rather than be "so-so" about it and lead him to believe that you are OK with it. I understand you told him it bothered you a bit, but I don't think he understood the full scope of your obvious discomfort with this whole stripper thing. Next time, lay it out before he goes, so that he knows that you will ask Qs upon his return and he better be OK with answering it (a trade off of sorts).
porter218 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I don't think that you are overreacting but I do think that a couple of those questions were unnecessary. Of coarse those strippers were attractive and I am sure he enjoyed the show. But he is out of his mind if he thinks none of the other SOs of those men didn't grill them when they got home. I feel like in a committed relationship you do have the right to know all the details of what happened in a private hotel room with expensive strippers. He really should feel lucky that you didn't tell him not to go from the beginning and any question he should be happy to answer sine you have been so understanding. He would hate to date someone like me.
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