Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 And I want to email him, just to tell him how much he hurt me, just to explain why it has been such a terrible thing to get over, and I think he will hear me and I think he will feel terrible, and I want him to feel terrible. So why not? What's the down side?
megapositive Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 How long have you been broken up, and who initiated it (him I'm guessing)? How long have you been NC and did you start it or has he been ignoring you? I ask these questions to get a better picture of where you are in all this, I know it's awful.
Ronni_W Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I guess the downside would be if he does NOT hear you, and/or he does hear you but he does NOT feel terrible. What would you do/feel if you didn't achieve your desired outcome? That is, have you protected your heart so that you won't feel even worse than you do now? From a different perspective, have you already figured out how it will help YOUR healing to send your email? Cos that would also be a good idea...to know that before you hit the 'send' button. (((hugs))) I'm sorry that you are hurting.
sedgwick Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Do you want him to feel terrible now over how miserable he's made you, or do you want to wait and make him feel REALLY terrible later by turning out to be an awesome person and making him see what he lost? That's the question!
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Thank you for asking megapositive. I really need some support right now. My story is on here somewhere, but the important parts are: 1) We were together for over a year and a half. He pursued the relationship very hard, and I was careful going in, but ended up totally in love. 2) He initiated the break-up. Said it was due to re-emerging feelings about his ex, that there was nothing wrong with our relationship, it was beautiful and growing, but he had to go back to this other thing because he felt it wasn't finished. . . 3) He is in fact currently back with said ex. 4) We have been broken up for about 3 1/2 months. We have spoken two or three times, mostly but not entirely on my initiation. He has already said that he feels like he did something "wrong" to me and that he is struggling with that. 5) I was N/C for 5 weeks, and then broke it for one phone conversation, during which the above comments were made, and since then it has been about three more weeks. 6) still love him extremely and against all reason.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Sedgwick -- I definitely want the latter, and I think right now he actually may be headed that way. He said a lot of things in our last conversation about how basically impressively I acted throughout the whole mess. But is NC the way to make that happen? Ronni -- I know him and that is why I know he would hear me and feel terrible. But I guess the reason I know that is because he has made statements to the effect that he already feels bad. I just don't know if he realizes how much I really loved him and how hurt I am.
nowhereman82 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Take it from me and my experience, don't email. Their response if they even give one does not always go the way you wish it to. Also if they don't respond right away it will drive you crazy. Just say no!
stray_cat Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 why would you want him to feel terrible? even if you succeed in making him feel that way, what purpose will that serve? will that give some positive outcome? is that going to make you feel better? happy? i totally understand how you feel. NC is never easy. but if you are disappointed and feeling like it has done nothing to you then maybe it's because your using NC for the wrong reasons? if you read through the post of the "wiser" LS posters, NC isn't about your ex. it is mainly about YOU. NC is about giving your self the time to grieve, heal and recover. it is about taking care of your self and learning to create a life without your ex being a part of it. but sometimes when we go dark on our ex they may start to feel that they are really free and maybe, just maybe they will start to question themselves if they really want to go. maybe they will start to doubt if they are really willing to loose us. i think NC if done correctly and it works, is like a win-win situation. if it makes your ex come back to you then great! but even if he doesn't, you have moved on.
megapositive Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Sedgwick -- I definitely want the latter, and I think right now he actually may be headed that way. He said a lot of things in our last conversation about how basically impressively I acted throughout the whole mess. But is NC the way to make that happen? Given what you've said here to Sedgwick, and how you described the course of your break up, I'd say don't do anything just yet. Take it one day at a time... Making him feel bad about how you're feeling will not impress him, it might do nothing but make him feel bad. And like Ronni said, there is most likely no response from him that you'd get that'll make you feel validated or happy, unless it's a "let's get back together," which chances are it won't be. And besides, if he ever did want to get back with you, wouldn't it be best if he initiated it solely on his own regard, not in response to anything you've said? Do you feel that you've moved forward a bit doing NC, taken care of yourself and have begun to heal and live life without him (of course feeling sad along the way)?
Ingenue Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Eyeofthoth, I'd recommend you hold off on emailing your ex. Maintain your NC and heal yourself first. I know how difficult it is. You want to articulate to your ex the ways in which he hurt you, but it seems like the break up is still too fresh in both your minds for you to have a reasonable discussion with him. I had this very question with my friend. I asked her whether I should send my ex to let him know that emailing dumping is not a cool thing to do and that he should learn how offensive it is to the dumpee so that he doesn't repeat it. My friend gave me some advice that I think can apply in your case too.She told me, "Even though you may think you're reasonable and calm enough to have that discussion with your ex, and while I know what you say isn't meant to be malicious but rather out of advice for him, you cannot have a reasonable conversation with an ex. He will think you're only saying those things out of spite and emotional rage". Work on yourself and in time, if you're ever friends with the ex again, sit down and have a civil conversation. When you both have the emotional distance from it, he'll be receptive to actually hearing it and understanding your perspective. Good luck and hang in there *hugs*
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 It sounds like he already *does* feel bad and is struggling. Of what possible benefit is it for you to get back in his face and wave around your hurt and pain and say "See? SEE?!" You can't guilt him into coming back - or rather, that's not a relationship you would want. He knows. He knows what he did. Let him stew in his own feelings of guilt, remorse, whatever. Disappear from his life and work on rebuilding your life without him. Our imaginations are sometimes our worst enemy...and that can go both ways. In other words, if you stay NC, his imagination could go wild in the "what is she doing? is she dating someone new? has she forgotten me? waaa, did I make a mistake?" direction. However. More importantly, you need NC to get some distance and perspective on your situation. To detox from your relationship. To lick your wounds and re-establish your sense of self and self-worth. And at some point in that period, it will be well worth your time to examine the question: why do you want someone back so badly who was so willing to leave you? What does that say about what you expect in a relationship and think you deserve in a relationship? I'm not saying it out of judgment, believe me. I have had to ask myself those very questions. The answers are scary and upsetting, but incredibly important for regaining firm ground on what I want and what I'm willing to accept.
marlena Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 3) He is in fact currently back with said ex. Enough said. He won't feel terrible at all. This I can guarantee. You will only look foolish. Don't do it, please.
stray_cat Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 how long was he separated from his ex when you two started dating? since you said that he broke up with you to go back to his ex, is it possible that his relationship with you was a rebound? most likely your ex already feels bad for ending your relationship. after all there is no easy way to break somebody's heart but your ex has made a choice. if sending him an email to make him feel terrible is going to accomplish anything then most likely its just that - he will feel terrible. you will probably get an "im sorry i hurt you" or you wont get any response at all.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 "And at some point in that period, it will be well worth your time to examine the question: why do you want someone back so badly who was so willing to leave you? What does that say about what you expect in a relationship and think you deserve in a relationship?" I am already asking myself this. stray cat - he was off and on and then totally off with the ex before me and swore to high heaven that it was over and done with forever. I don't think "rebounds" last for over a year and a half. But it doesn't matter. He clearly had unfinished business, so the characterization as rebound or not isn't helpful. I am suffering from low self-esteem and hopelessness right now, so I guess that is what I really need to focus on. I just thought that by three months down the road I would be doing so much better. I'm not. I actually feel like I'm doing worse. It's hard to cope with.
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 "And at some point in that period, it will be well worth your time to examine the question: why do you want someone back so badly who was so willing to leave you? What does that say about what you expect in a relationship and think you deserve in a relationship?" I am already asking myself this. stray cat - he was off and on and then totally off with the ex before me and swore to high heaven that it was over and done with forever. I don't think "rebounds" last for over a year and a half. But it doesn't matter. He clearly had unfinished business, so the characterization as rebound or not isn't helpful. I am suffering from low self-esteem and hopelessness right now, so I guess that is what I really need to focus on. I just thought that by three months down the road I would be doing so much better. I'm not. I actually feel like I'm doing worse. It's hard to cope with. 3 months isn't a very long time, especially for a year-plus long relationship. Also, healing isn't linear. You can feel better for a few hours, few days, whatever, and then BAM! you hit a trough and think OMG I'm back to square one. Thing is, the troughs eventually become shorter in duration and the 'ups' longer. I'm in more of an 'up' period right now, but heck a few days ago I was crying again - my breakup was 4 months ago. The relationship was over a year long too, 15 months or so.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Yes, this relationship was actually 20 months. So maybe three months isn't long? Also, this whole urge to tell him how I feel actually arose because I wanted to send him a picture of something -- it was sweet and romantic and would have meant something to both of us on the basis of shared history. I could not send it, because it would be wierd of me to do that with someone who broke up with me. I just missed him so much. I loved him so much. Why? He was an angel to me until he dumped me. So in my mind, he only ever did one thing wrong in 20 months. Sure it was a doozy, but if I had the chance to try again based on that, why wouldn't I?
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Yes, this relationship was actually 20 months. So maybe three months isn't long? Also, this whole urge to tell him how I feel actually arose because I wanted to send him a picture of something -- it was sweet and romantic and would have meant something to both of us on the basis of shared history. I could not send it, because it would be wierd of me to do that with someone who broke up with me. I just missed him so much. I loved him so much. Why? He was an angel to me until he dumped me. So in my mind, he only ever did one thing wrong in 20 months. Sure it was a doozy, but if I had the chance to try again based on that, why wouldn't I? To be blunt...I don't believe you. He could not, would not have done that "one thing" wrong if he had been 100% emotionally invested in you before that moment. So if you believed him to be a total angel, then he was emotionally dishonest with you because at least some part of him wasn't present to your relationship. And if he WAS honest with you about his heart being torn in two different directions, and he knew you wanted his full devotion, then he was taking advantage of you. Either way you cut it, that's at least two strikes against him. Now's the time to start making the lists of the things that weren't 100% rosy between you. As long as you believe him to have been totally, completely, wonderfully awesome except for this one little thing of leaving you for someone else, you will stay stuck.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Yeah, of course he was far from perfect. I am just trying to convolute things to come up with any way I could maybe someday have him back. More truthfully, I believe that absolutely everyone has major problems and issues. I would just rather work on the ones I have already found out about with someone I already love than to have to find someone new who will no doubt turn out to have just as many problems and issues. One thing coming clear here is that I am really depressed and it would be totally counterproductive (regardless of whatever it is that I am trying to produce, since I don't even know) for me to initiate contact in this kind of emotional state. So I won't do it. Not now. Probably not ever. Better to walk away with the awesomeness I manifested during the breakup. Besides, I don't want to hear another word about the him and the ex. Ever. It is too heartbreaking how this all happened.
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 More truthfully, I believe that absolutely everyone has major problems and issues. I would just rather work on the ones I have already found out about with someone I already love than to have to find someone new who will no doubt turn out to have just as many problems and issues. Sure everyone has baggage and issues but NOT EVERYONE has "major" problems and issues. I think you say that to justify staying in (or wanting) a less-than-great relationship because you're afraid of the unknown.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 More like afraid of the known. I have been in a lot of relationships, and this was the best one, meaning only that I was happy, really happy, for a long time in this relationship. Happier than I had been in almost any other relationship. That's so hard to find. Of course I never leave. I have hung around in crappy relationships for years just because I am afraid to leave or don't want to hurt the other person.
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Of course I never leave. I have hung around in crappy relationships for years just because I am afraid to leave or don't want to hurt the other person. Ouch.......our psychologist would call that cycle "unhealthy". Part of growth and emotional health is setting boundaries for how you are treated by others and staying true to them. Try this: completely strict NC for 60 days. That means no contact or receipt of contact; active avoidance of any images, data or physical reminders of him. Active ignoral of thoughts of him or the "good times". If a thought of him comes into your head, consciously change the subject. You need to get over your oxytocin addiction. Don't have sex with other men. Don't masturbate if you'll think about him when you do. Come back in 60 days and tell me I'm wrong
mixwell Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 And I want to email him, just to tell him how much he hurt me, just to explain why it has been such a terrible thing to get over, and I think he will hear me and I think he will feel terrible, and I want him to feel terrible. So why not? What's the down side? I think most people think that NC is a tool to get their ex back.. NC is actually do start moving on and accept changes in life. I think the main reason NC works is that when the dumpee deploys it it makes the dumper think that you're okay with them leaving you and curiousity usually kills the cat when they wonder how you've gotten over it soo easily and are okay with not being with them.. I know that always wondered me when I had ended with my ex.. When I wouldn't hear from her I started to think why isn't she contacting me and begging me back for another chance.. So my advice is to look at NC as a tool to move on and get over it rather than a tool for getting your SO back.. Good luck..
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 carhill -- Why no sex with other men? I doubt that I would do that in less than 60 days anyway, but wouldn't that actually help to break the association of sex with the ex? I understand breaking the association, and that sounds like good advice, but I'll be damned if I let him steal my sexuality away from me
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 More specifically, I don't want to get over my oxytocin addiction, because oxytocin in good for emotional health. http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 OK, go have sex with another man and see if you can do it without thinking of your ex. If you can, that's a sign. If you can't, you'll just repeat this cycle endlessly. IMO, sixty days without sex is nothing. Anyone can do it, even a man. Put it into the context of your entire life and emotional health. The oxytocin bond you want to break is the one which is predicated by thoughts/memories of someone with whom you've had an unhealthy relationship. The goal is balancing your psyche and neutraling your perspective. Your ability to produce and utilize oxytocin is unfettered. It's like love and happiness; short of death or a massive change in brain chemistry, you'll have an unending well of it as long as you live. I can only show you a path
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