lonelygurl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What do you do when you feel your relationship is slipping away?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ve been back with my b/f for three years. We were together for over three years the first time and he said he needed time alone, which actually meant he had a new g/f. Six months later he came calling saying he’d made a terrible mistake. I decided to try again, but honestly I have had trouble feeling as in love with him like I did the first time. I think in the back of my mind I wonder when he will do this again, or if he is already on some of the disgusting websites he had been on before looking for sex. He seems to only know how to connect with sex and not the emotional side.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ve also been dealing with severe depression and an anxiety disorder for about nine months. My anxiety gets so bad I can’t do much. Lately I’ve been feeling better with the help of medications and therapy, and have been trying to reconnect with my b/f but he seems so cold and closed off.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It’s like he can’t help me emotionally. We always had a great sex life, but as sex waned for awhile he appears no longer interested. I have also gained a lot of weight, but not sure that is the issue. His x/wife and some of his previous g/f’s were bigger than me. I worry he may be up to more than I know.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I don’t know what to do. I feel so emotionally empty, lonely and scared. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He no longer wants to cuddle, if I try he will for a minute but then needs to get up. He rarely tells me he loves me, only if I say it first. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should keep trying to reconnect or consider having him move out. This is causing me so much more anxiety, the unsureness of what to do and also the loneliness if he is gone. But sometimes I feel with not having the closeness it is bad anyways.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]When I try to do stuff he either pushes me away or gets up to do something.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ve started reading the book Men who can't love: when a man's fear makes him run from commitment (and what a smart woman can do about it) by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I do believe in some ways he doesn’t know how to maintain a long term relationship; he had probably dozens of very short term relationships before me. This time around within three months he bought me a beautiful engagement ring.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Help!! I’m so lost and unsure.[COLOR=#656565][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE]
High Plains Drifter Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 There's no way in hell I'm readin' that.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 lonely- why dont you just ask him? talk to him and tell him what you just posted. and see where it goes. if he cant talk to you, or brushes you off- there's your answer. Sometimes the answer is staring us right in the face- we just don't wanna see it.
Author lonelygurl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 then why bother posting??? there is no need for rudeness! I typed it in word and pasted it, I had no idea it would do that.
Author lonelygurl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 thank you hope. I think that is part of it. Confronting him and with the unsureness I probalby know deep down what the answer will be. I guess by trying I keep hoping it will go back to where it was, but if he is closed off he will probably stay that way like he did the last time we were together. Six months before he actually moved out he told me he thought he needed time alone, but with a lot of talking we decided to keep going, but I realized then I was really trying and he wasn't.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Similarly my bf and i did that. Only it was ME trying. if he wants to try, he would do it. not talk about it. if he hasnt shown any kind of effort, then i dont think he's suddenly going to spring into action. Its hard to say, really. sometimes people hit rock bottom and then figure themselves out. most of the time though- they just dont. Why waste your time and continue to feel so bad on someone who won't even TRY? I've been trying to convince myself of that too. HE has to do something. He has to want this to work. and if he doesnt....you could put all the effort in the world in, but its not a relationship when its 100% on you. it has to be both of you. Sadly, some people just don't get it. You're better than this. WE are better than this. WE deserve someone who's going to at least TRY.
Author lonelygurl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 thank you hopedieslast. You are so right in what you say that he needs to try to work on this. I guess I just have to really realize that he comes with a lot of his own emotional baggage and an attempted suicide five years ago that his family say I caused. I was thinking the first time around that he wasn't emotionally available and I see it happening again. THat is why I'm reading this book. Good luck to you and your own situation. It is so darn hard. I also find with getting older and being heavier due to medications I may end up alone forever, but maybe that isn't a bad thing. My mom has done it for over 30 years and seems quite satisified most of the time.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Who knows what will happen with either of our lives, lonelygurl! but what i do know- the more you push for trying to force something thats just not gonna happen, the more time you waste. its like running on a treadmill. you're trying, just not getting anywhere. god, it hurts to admit that.
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