Left with a reminder... so unbearable!

[CherishG]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this belongs here, but I made a thread about a week ago about my situation. I'm going through a real tough time here, and I am at the breaking point of losing it.

 

I'm real new to all of this so I don't know how to locate my old thread here for you to refer to. So I'm gonna try to keep it short & simple.

 

Cliff Notes to what happened, it's going to be 2 weeks since he broke it off with me. We've been together on and off for almost 4yrs, but this time, he really broke it off because he said there's a girl involved.

 

The first 6 days after he suddenly just ended everything about our relationship, I went into full mode NC.

I made no effort to call him, text him, nothing, and believe me, it was sooooo hard. But that didn't last long because the night before the 1wk since he broke it off, I broke down and called him. I broke down and cried, pleaded, etc. He kept telling me that I will find someone better, etc. blah blah. I knew no matter what I said, how hard I cried on the phone, he just wouldn't budge.

 

The next evening, he called me.

I wasn't expecting it. And from the conversation the night before, I didn't ask him to. I didn't pick up because I was out of the room, but he left a vm.

He said: "I just wanted to see how you were doing, (long pause), I know its gonna be tough... (pause), Kiss Jayvelle for me alright"

 

*In my previous thread, I had mentioned that there was more to everything that I had described about my relationship with him. And it was super difficult for me to even begin to tell you about the other half of my story.

 

Something til this day makes it so much painful for me to bear now that this has happened.

We have a 16 month old daughter.

 

The time I had realized that I was pregnant, we had a break, and I had temporarily went back home to Hawaii. When I did find out that I was pregnant, I was still hurting at how things had ended at the time, that I didn't even tell him right away. We were going thru NC and I wanted him to grow up that time.

During that time, I made no contact, but he kept trying to get a hold of me. I finally decided to come back home and tell him. He was happy, he was ecstatic and from that point we decided to work things out.

But then things went haywire, we ended up taking another break up until recently when we decided to wk at it again.

 

He's only seen her about a handful of times. I can honestly when he talks about her and sees her, he loves her to death. But I know this all was unexpected. She wasn't planned. But I can't sit here and regret ever having her. Because she's the greatest gift I could ever have in my life.

 

It honestly kills me since the break that when I come home to her, I stare at her and see him.

Every smile, every laugh or giggle is him.

I feel like I failed her.

I failed to keep her daddy happy so that's why he left us.

 

He called me today and somehow, I keep missing his calls.

He left another vm saying he wanted to see his daughter tomorrow.

So, I called him back and believe me when I tell you, it was SO DAMN HARD HOLDING BACK THE TEARS.

I took everyone's advice on here to sound like cold and strong. I acted very formal, getting details as to where to meet up etc. The thing that kind of took me back a bit was when I asked him "So where do you want me to give you your daughter to spend the day together?"... he immediately said "Aren't you going to come too?" I replied: "I thought you wanted to see your daughter?" He replied, "I want you there too."

He didn't want me to get off the phone, he began asking about my job, etc. I answered as limitedly and no emotion. I could sense he was a little suprised at how different I was acting compared to the previous time.

 

Now this is all supposed to go down tomorrow morning.

I've been going crazy all day trying to figure out if I can handle this.

I can't keep him away from his daughter, I have no right.

But then how can I handle the hurt and pain inside when I see him.

How do I control my emotions, and hold back how I'm really feeling.

I'm really lost. Please if anyone out there can help me.

I'm literally dying right now.

For him to throw everything away, and for what? a girl who's not even old enough to vote?

I don't know if he's still wanting to stay in his younger years, and I'm sure he and myself included are too young to be in this situation, but it happened already. And this is how he handles it.

 

My baby is the only thing that's keeping me from ending my life.

I hold onto to her because I'm all she has.

But how?, when? , why?, will it all make sense to me.

 

I appreciate all the help I can get. Thanx

[BCCA]

I feel for you, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It changes your life completely, and feels like the pain will never go away.

 

As someone who went the suicide attempt route, let me tell you this: ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know how horrible you feel right now, I feel absolutely aweful myself. Its easy to go 'why me, what did I do to deserve this?'. All I can say is that after taking some time to reflect, you'll realize that things do happen for a reason. I think you would agree that if you met a wonderful man tomorrow and were married to him for the rest of your life this wouldn't sting so bad. The problem is that instead of looking for the next open door, we stare at the one that just closed.

 

Stay strong, you'll get through this. I know I've hit rock bottom myself recently, and all I can say is that the only way from here is up. It sucks worse than anything, and it takes a long time to get over. But you will be stronger having gone through this.

 

Take care of yourself, and think about your wonderful baby

[treeluva]

As much as it hurts now, it will get better. I am not going to say that there will ever be a time when it wont hurt, I am in year 5 post relationship with the father of both of my children, and there are times when it still hurts. But not the way it did at the beginning, or even 6 months ago.

 

My advice would be to stick to conversations that are strickly dealing with the child. As long as you feel comfortable with his ability to take care of her, I would not stay during the visit. It will do you no good.

 

Take the time that he does have your daughter to do something for you. Go to the park; go see a movie; something.

 

My heart goes out to you. This is a really difficult time, but you can and you WILL make it through these days.