Author sigh Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 I think him and I gave up the right to be friends when we expressed feelings for each other and were initmate. I guess you just can't go back and I don't want to stay in this the way it is. It's not fair to anyone involved. To bad it's one of the hardest things to do. Was I right in just blocking him from everything without an explanation?
wildsoul Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Was I right in just blocking him from everything without an explanation? It's all self-explanitory. He knows it's because of the affair dynamic. Long ago when I was having to go NC with an xBF, I struggled with feeling like I had to announce and explain--every damn time too, since ours was an on again, off again mess. My mentor was very firm with me, "The point of NC is going NC. Stop trying to find an excuse to talk with him!" She was right about my motivation at the time. It was better when I followed her advice.
OWoman Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Owoman...again, a good point. When we'd talked about 'cheating'...we never distinguished between sleeping with someone else and falling in love with someone else. (as sappy as this sounds, I don't think either of us really considered the idea of the other falling in love with someone else...look at how wrong WE were! LOL) In my case, it was about both, really. She was convinced she was in love with someone else. I believe(d) that she was in love with the idea of getting away from all the day to day stress we were going through, and the stressful situation that she'd created over that last year. She didn't know OM well enough, didn't have enough contact with OM to have truly fallen in love with him...she didn't know enough about him to BE in love with him. However...I knew that if she got on that plane...if she went to "see if it would work out between them"....I wouldn't take her back. That was my boundary. Perhaps one that doesn't make much sense...but there ya go. It makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want to be someone's consolation prize, either.
Author sigh Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I miss him a lot today. I saw something funny and went to call and tell him about it. Was half way through the number before I realized who I was calling and hang up the phone. It's taking all of the power I have not to contact him. It's actually kind of physically painful. Thought I'd post here until this contact urge passed
wildsoul Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Yay! You caught yourself in the act. Progress! The first stage of awareness comes after you've made a mistake. The 2nd stage of awareness is catching yourself in the middle of one. Next, is preventing making a mistake at all. You're doing good! And posting here is a great alternative.
Author sigh Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Why does it have to be so hard on me and not him????? We both screwed up. I know, it shouldn't matter how he feels now, but I'd be lying if I said that doesn't hurt
wildsoul Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Why does it have to be so hard on me and not him????? We both screwed up. I know, it shouldn't matter how he feels now, but I'd be lying if I said that doesn't hurt I understand you pain! One of my books described that inequity in a way that really makes sense. The model is that one person is the love addict (likes to attach) and one is the love avoidant (wants distance.) After breaking up, the one who is more love addicted suffers fast and HARD.After breaking up, the one who is more love avoidant feels relief. At last, that pesky love addict is giving them breathing room!It totally sucks and is very confusing when you are on the bathroom floor in tears, while the X seems to be functioning just fine! But wait, there's more.... After a good time has passed (weeks, months) the one who is avoidant will also go into withdrawals HARD. By this time, the love addict is finally starting to feel a little better. BEWARE: Just when the love addict is starting to heal, the avoidant one comes running back trying to reconnect. The love addict feels like at last, they are getting their due, takes the avoidant back, and... ...if the dynamics aren't changed, the whole damn thing starts over. So if it's any consolation, you're suffering now--but he'll be paying his suffering dues later. PS: Don't even ask me how many times I did that dance with an xBF! I'm the Dancing with the Stars expert in that tango!
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I understand you pain! One of my books described that inequity in a way that really makes sense. The model is that one person is the love addict (likes to attach) and one is the love avoidant (wants distance.) Which book is that from Wildsoul? Sounds really interesting!
wildsoul Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Which book is that from Wildsoul? Sounds really interesting! THE book that made all my patterns clear to me. I've been on both sides of the equation, addict/avoidant, depending on the R. It's easy to see how many MM that have A's are avoidant. They avoid total committment to their W's and their OW's, preferring instead to split it up. No woman "owns" him completely. Note that she says avoidant types CHASE in the beginning. You need to read the book to get it. Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 THE book that made all my patterns clear to me. I've been on both sides of the equation, addict/avoidant, depending on the R. It's easy to see how many MM that have A's are avoidant. They avoid total committment to their W's and their OW's, preferring instead to split it up. No woman "owns" him completely. Note that she says avoidant types CHASE in the beginning. You need to read the book to get it. Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody Thanks, I will get this book it sounds really helpful
Author sigh Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Is it normal that I'm feeling used and like he never cared about me? I'm spending a lot of time wondering what's wrong with me that he made it easy to use me and not care.
wildsoul Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Is it normal that I'm feeling used and like he never cared about me? I'm spending a lot of time wondering what's wrong with me that he made it easy to use me and not care. Sweet sigh, you simply must realize that you are in the phase of post-breakup temporary insanity. Please refrain from making judgement calls on yourself. Wait till the smoke & pain clears. Then try to sort out what went wrong.
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