Fun2BMe Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I have been in a deep depression after a lot of major issues and relationship fiascos. In the meantime, my friend's husband has been showing a lot of concern, emailing, calling until I unplugged my phone and the latest is dropping by unannounced to see how I am doing. He gives me a list of to-do things such as go for a walk, go shopping, go to the gym etc to get me out and to feel better, but it's more stressful not being able to do them, I keep telling him I'm working on things with my therapist who I am seeing twice a week, but he is saying I need meds, this and that (he's a medical doctor but not a psychiatrist) so his 'help' is actually making things harder on me. Another issue is that I am starting to really fall for him. Like when he talks to me he really listens and cares, and when he leaves he gives me a hug and that confused me at first but now I am developing a lot of feelings for him and don't know what to do. If I tell him not to come over he will be more concerned, and when he comes over I am afraid he will read it on my face. I think he might feel the same and what if we act on it? I am not that close with his wife by the way but know each other enough to the point it's not awkard to consider ourselves friends (loosely). So what can I do, especially if he has feelings too. Like this morning he stopped by unannounced while i was still sleeping and asked me to go to lunch with him later when he'd pick me up, but i am so not up to it that constantly ssaying no makes me feel more worse. It's like I like him but due to my mental state can't even act on things. Any suggestions? I don't want to feel gulity by saying no, and I feel guilty beccause I thanked him for coming which he took as a hint to leave so he suddenly got up and headed for the door which made me feel bad, but then he came back to tear open my curtains to get light in which pissed me off. How can I tell him not to help? It seems he gets more concerned like I might harm myself or not get better, but at the same time I feel guilty for having feeligns for him which I can't help so this is only adding layers to my depression.
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 It sounds like this guy is overstepping all kinds of personal, professional and ethical boundaries, forcing you to accept his "help" whether or not you want or ask for it, not respecting your wishes when you say 'no' to anything, basically treating you like an imbecile and taking advantage of your emotionally vulnerable state, etc. If you have not already done so, I'd strongly suggest that you discuss it with your therapist so that the two of you can work out a strategy to get this guy out of his self-appointed role as your mental health care professional. He really isn't acting like a genuine friend at this point...he is adding to your suffering. He might be suffering from (his self-made) delusions of being your "saviour", seeing himself as some Svengali-type character, or whatever. He seems to have immersed himself in whatever role he's got going on in his head...and forgotten about YOUR mental and emotional well-being in the process. Totally unethical and unprofessional. As you say, not only is he NOT "helping" but he is causing harm...so, for your own sake you need to get him out of your life, one way or the other. Since he is also interfering with your therapy efforts, it may need for your therapist to have a practitioner-to-practitioner discussion with him. Wishing you well...hope your therapy outcomes are super-successful.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I've discussed him briefly but at this point I think I have to tell my therapist more because it really is doing me harm as you say. And you're right that he may be thinking of himself as a saviour and just because he's an MD doesn't mean he knows about therapy.
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 You want to stop this? Tell his wife. Tell her he's coming over all the time and calling all the time and it's too much for you to handle. SHE will stop his behavior.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I don't want to get him in trouble or act nice to him then go complaining to his wife. I am assuming she knows he's coming over, even wondering if she's putting him up to it, but at least he can bring his daughter along too or something to make it seem less weird and too close for comfort - i mean my bra was on the couch and you could see my nipples through my nightshirt so i held a pillow most of the time, I don't want to make too much out of it if he's so intent on helping, but i don't get it really, i mean i don't have other friends coming around like this especially unannounced.
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Then you really don't want to stop him. Because there are two ways to get him to stop. You tell him you don't want him calling and stopping by. And you tell his wife that you don't want him calling and stopping by. If you don't do either one of those things - and you haven't - then you don't really want to stop him from calling and coming by. You don't have to get him in trouble. All you have to do is be honest about your depression and that you just cannot handle company, especially when both you and the house are a complete mess when he stops by. If he's genuinely just being helpful, then no harm, no foul. If he's doing this for other reasons, then he should get in trouble. And so what if he gets in trouble? He shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't be making you uncomfortable, and his wife should know how he's spending his time.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Please discuss this at LENGTH with your therapist. Maybe this time around, your therapist can reveal to you what you cannot see: your pattern behavior, what triggers it, and how you can work toward being able to identify these things and head them off yourself. I'm also hoping your therapist can help you stop getting yourself into these situations. You know that you are not entirely the victim in these situations, and that you encourage them on many levels - some you aren't even aware of yet. Your intense need for finding happiness and validation ironically seems to be the crux of your depression. You want to be chosen, special, wanted - you want people around you to recognize your worth that you can't recognize in yourself. You are reaching on the outside for something you can't seem to find on the inside and no job or money or relationship is really doing the trick for you. It is infuriating to see you reaching for it in places where you know you can't and won't find it, thus re-assuring that you will be in perpetual need, in a perpetual state of being the focus of someone's attention, in a state of being 'paid attention to'. You want someone to 'parent' you, and it gets all confused up when you throw sexual attraction in the mix. It looks like an Electra complex with a mean side of what appears from your posts to be some borderline issues. I think on some level you enjoy the sense of power you get when you can draw someone 'forbidden' to you, particularly when you feel you are 'winning' them, or they are choosing you specially over someone else and against all odds. I want you to get better, F2B. I don't want you to be a victim anymore, but the first step to that is to stop putting yourself in a position to be a victim.
norajane Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Please discuss this at LENGTH with your therapist. Please tell me this is a new therapist...
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 She has a new therapist as far as I know, and the T is female. my friend's husband Fun - STOP. Just stop. You're bouncing from ex to ex, from your ex-T to your exbf, to you ex-T, than back again to your ex. Now you're focussing on YOUR FRIEND's husband. Transferrance of feelings, or you just allow yourself to fall for ANY guy who's nice to you. You're going down a dangerous path again so why not just stay away from MEN period, and work on you. Stick to your women friends since sadly right now, it's obvious friendship with men isn't possible because you get too attached and start crossing lines, allowing the lines to be crossed with the WRONG type of men. (MM, your ex male therapist, your exbf).. I am worried about you.
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