In a dark place... responses would be wonderful

[smile711]

I feel lower than low at this point. It has been a month since the MM left me for the second time after living with me for 4 months. We went on vacation, picnics, planned where we would live and when we would get married. He packed his things while I was gone one day and said that his family was upset that he left his marriage (they were) and he couldn't be without them. So he left. We have been NC for 22 days and it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. We were together for 2 and 1/2 years and I can't imagine what life is going to hold for me without him. Some days (like today) I really feel like I cannot live in this much pain. I am on medicine and under the care of both my family doctor and a counselor.

 

I am starting to get to the point where I am able to see that I settled for a lot of things when we were together-he smoked constantly, drank constantly, smoked weed constantly. He was always under the influence of something, it seems like. And yet I am still upset that he rejected me. I also know that if he ever came back to me, I would have to say no. He cheated on his W at least 10 times before me and I know in my heart he would have done it to me. As much as I try to want him to be happy, I can't bring myself to feel that way right now. I would like his wife to be happy-I feel nothing but remorse and shame for what I did to her.

 

Please no abuse and recriminations right now-I am being honest when I say that I cannot handle it today. I am on the edge of a breakdown. I have so many questions and I would just like people to tell me what they think based on their own experiences. Do you think that he will break NC at some point? Do you think he appreciates the pain that he has caused me and countless other people with his careless actions? Do you think that his wife has forgiven after a month and that their life is wonderful together (because that is how he is acting)? Do you think that a serial cheater can ever really change after over 20 years? What if I never find someone who says the things that he said to me to make me feel so good? What if I never regain the self-esteem and pride in myself that I have lost after this situation? WHEN WILL IT START TO GET BETTER?

 

I'm sorry-I know this was long. But I truly am in need of help from the people on this site who have words of encouragement. Thanks so much for keeping me afloat.

[norajane]

This is the hard part - the part where you gradually let go. Sometimes we have to do the hard things to get through to the other side, but it is so very much worth it when you do.

 

There will be a time when you feel so much lighter, so much fresher, so excited about your possibilities - a time when you will be so very glad that you no longer have this MM as the albatross around your neck bringing you down. Tough it out now so you can get to that part.

 

I don't have answers to your questions, except to tell you that you will get ot a point where you don't care about the questions anymore. They won't run through your mind anymore...you will just feel a sense of relief that you don't have to wonder anymore because you will be living your life without him.

 

There may not be someone in your life in the future who says the exact same things he did. However, think about that: all of his sweet words had an unstated BUT I'M MARRIED attached to them. Everything he said had a catch to it. So, instead of that, you WILL one day have someone who says their own sweet words to you without the huge BUT attached - those words will mean so much more to you because that guy won't have a wife in the wings and YOU will be one and only.

 

Stay strong and know that you will get through this hard part and get to something better. Give yourself up to this break-up, accept it, mourn it, and then start re-building your pleasure in your own life.

[smile711]

Thanks norajane. I am so afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am so scared of lonlieness. I'm only 28 and already I have been divorced and wasted so much time on this MM. What if my opportunity with another wonderful guy passed me by and I was too involved with the sick situation with the MM that I missed it? The MM said the last time we talked (22 days ago) that he wants to try to be a better person, but I am bitter right now and I don't want him to be. I want him to continue to be the self-involved egotistical jerk that he was because he shouldn't get away with what he has done to hurt soooooo many people. The back and forth has been torture on me and I can only imagine what it has been like for his wife. There are no kids involved but I imagine that would only make me feel worse. It seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I had put so much hoping and dreaming into a future with this man and the betrayal seems like more than I am able to handle.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The MM said the last time we talked (22 days ago) that he wants to try to be a better person, but I am bitter right now and I don't want him to be.

 

How is that love to you?

 

From what you have posted here (with all respect to your feelings), it doesn't sound like he was EVER that in to you. It seems like it was more a R of convenience. That's just what I have personally read into your situation.

 

Why wouldn't you be happy that he wanted to try to be a better person? (though that is most likely an excuse) If he decided to come off of drugs or alcohol, or loose weight ect.. would you not want that for someone you came to love?

 

You are right, time is passing you by, but until you become completely "in love" and happy with yourself, I doubt you are missing any chances for a healthy love relationship. Find some girlfriends, find yourself and THEN good things will happen. IWWH

[norajane]

The MM said the last time we talked (22 days ago) that he wants to try to be a better person, but I am bitter right now and I don't want him to be. I want him to continue to be the self-involved egotistical jerk that he was because he shouldn't get away with what he has done to hurt soooooo many people.

 

Don't worry. He's not going to change.

[smile711]

IWWH, I know that he was that into me. This A lasted over 2 years. He left once and went back to try MC with his W, just to make sure that he had exhausted all possibilities and could really feel that he worked on things. Once he got home, no MC. W was so happy to have him home, she said she would "fix" things. They went on a vacation together that was miserable (which they both said) and MM left again in the middle of April and moved in with me. His family (before they even knew about me) was refusing to talk to him and would only talk to his W. He dealt with that for 4 months while living with me. I asked him all the time if he should go back home and try again and his answer was unequivocally NO. He meant my family and did things with them. He wanted to be introduced to all my friends. He called all of his friends and told them that he was so happy that he found this wonderful girl to be with...that I was the love of his life...that some people search all of their lives for what we had and he was lucky enough to find it. His friends sad that they had never seen him happier and more fulfilled and they were so happy for him.

 

When I say he wants to be a "better" person, I mean that he wants to stop being a liar and a cheater. Now that I am removed somewhat from the situation, I know he'll never change. He's not doing MC or IC. he thinks he is going to change all of his deep-seeded issues through sheer willpower. Tell you what-he did this the last time and came back. I just don't know what to expect-I am so SCARED and HURT and CONFUSED and ANXIOUS. I am at rock bottom and I need words of encouragement, even if it's just someone telling me he's a jerk and life will get better. It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to work on me every day.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know he'll never change

 

I agree with this. If you KNOW it, then you know its not about you and what you have to do.

 

It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to work on me every day.

 

The day you are truly, delighted and happy with yourself, is the day you arrive, and no one will ever be able to take that away. Are you in IC?

 

Good Luck,

 

IWWH

[smile711]

I am in IC and it is helping slowly but surely. I am also under the care of my family doctor who has given me some medicine to control the panic attacks I have been having on a daily basis. They would like me to see another doctor (psychiatrist, maybe?) to make sure that I am on the right meds for now. It is scary to be at a point where I am not in control of my feelings anymore-medicine has to do it for me. I know it would be a bad thing for him to contact me or try to come back, but part of me wants that opportunity to tell him no-to reject him like he has done to me and to his wife before. It is the lowest feeling in the world and I hope karma gives him a chance to experience it.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I understand completely how you feel & its awful, some days you just feel like disappearing under the duvet & never coming back out. Sometimes you cry until there are no tears left. You question why the MM did the things he did & why he told you lies, then start to question yourself 'was it something I did?'.

 

Well I shall attempt to answer some of the questions that are driving you crazy right now, I hope it helps.

 

Do you think that he will break NC at some point?

Possibly, but only to try and resume the A or get some more sex.

 

Do you think he appreciates the pain that he has caused me and countless other people with his careless actions?

He probably does realize but too selfish to care & does not wanna deal with it.

 

Do you think that his wife has forgiven after a month and that their life is wonderful together (because that is how he is acting)?

I doubt things are happy at home even though he may give the impression things are fine. He has cheated many times prior to you, he has problems with addiction, of course it aint gonna be a bed of roses indoors.

 

What if I never find someone who says the things that he said to me to make me feel so good?

You will & next time hopefully it wont be a married guy so he will be free to give you the full time relationship you deserve.

 

What if I never regain the self-esteem and pride in myself that I have lost after this situation?

Of course you will - you are doing the right thing by seeing a doctor & counselor, it will get better for you in time. Just take one day at a time.

 

((((HUGS))))

[smile711]

Thanks heartbroken. I don't know if his W knows about all the affairs before me. They never lasted this long and he never left home before. Do you think she suspects that there may have been others now that she knows about me? I don't want people thinking that MM was a model husband until I came along and corrupted him. That is far from the truth. In fact, when we were just friends and we would hang around in a group, he would brag about the women that he had been with while married and tell funny stories about how he hooked up with them. He would honestly go on his break (he works at the mall) and look for girls that he felt looked vulnerable and lonely and then he would hit on them. I hope his wife finds out about all the other affairs (not through me) and decides to pull herself up by the bootstraps and move on like I am doing.

[jj33]

Thanks heartbroken. I don't know if his W knows about all the affairs before me. They never lasted this long and he never left home before. Do you think she suspects that there may have been others now that she knows about me? I don't want people thinking that MM was a model husband until I came along and corrupted him. That is far from the truth. In fact, when we were just friends and we would hang around in a group, he would brag about the women that he had been with while married and tell funny stories about how he hooked up with them. He would honestly go on his break (he works at the mall) and look for girls that he felt looked vulnerable and lonely and then he would hit on them. I hope his wife finds out about all the other affairs (not through me) and decides to pull herself up by the bootstraps and move on like I am doing.

 

Now how could anyone think he was a model husband... if hes said those things in a group he is clearly not a model of much other than insecurity.

 

Noone is think you corrupted this man. He is a big boy. And a braggart.

He is as they say hanging himself by his own petard.

 

I know how hard it is to deal with the aftermath. It hurts. You are young and vital and single and have your whole life ahead of you. Of course he wonders what you are up to? Of course he does. He is sadly a serial cheater in a bad marriage. His life is not a dream by any stretch of the imagination.

 

When this is further behind you, you will look back and see that you dodged a bullet. Its hard to see through the fog of the A but this man is bad news. Drinking problems doing drugs (at his age come on....)

 

And you know what even if he werent it doesnt matter. Its like any other relationship that ends. We need to grieve and when we are ready let go.

 

Big hugs

[SofiaLo]

smile,

 

are you worry of what he may think of you? I was able to stop the insane feeling of loss once I realized that I was terrify of what he may label me in private. After all I was his dream come true, so what did it mean He had to drop me in order to be "a better man"?

 

Who cares?

 

what your MM is you already know. What excites me is that now you will want to know what are you and who you are and that you are just 28 and free to learn to love yourself. I'm 47, bravely think better late than never!

[torranceshipman]

Big hugs sweetie, I feel so bad for you. Just please realise this is about your self esteem right now...you've recognised he's something of a substance abuser and serial cheater (and lets face it, bit of a loser because of that)-yet you pine for him. In time you'll realise he is so far below you its untrue. I think maybe its not so much him-more a fear of being alone or being lonely thats the real problem. Please try to move on from this guy and work on yourself in a positive way, you're fixated with him right now and thats bad.

 

I think it might also help you to say that addicts are selfish people who need to meet their addiction and its not about you-its about their being addicted and dysfunctional which means they'll never hold a R together and will mess everything up. Dont take that personally-they could be Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie (or whatever) and your ex would still trample them like he's done to you. I dont think he has the true capability of being that into anyone or would be able to value them-he doesnt function that well, simple as that. And you said ou lowered standards to be with him and accept certain things-you've got to the point where your wole self worth is caught up in him and youneed to reprogram yourself to find how to measure your self worth some other way.

 

Good luck...I really hope you get to move on from this.

[OWoman]

I am so afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am so scared of lonlieness. I'm only 28.

 

Sweetie, with that much of your life ahead of you, I think your only chance of being alone for the rest of your life would be to join a convent and take a vow of solitude!

 

You've been married, right? You met MM, right? That's already two guys that, at the time anyway, you felt were "right" for you. You clearly have no problems meeting guys. Your taste might be a bit whack but that's nothing that experience can't change... I really wouldn't stress about that bit. You'll meet plenty of guys, many of whom may qualify to be the next Mr Smile. But before that, you need to repair the damage MM caused to Smile, so that when they recognise it, you recognise it too, and you're ready to go skipping off into the sunset for another round.

 

And the best bit - you'll have wonderful stories to tell your grandkids about your interesting youth...

[smile711]

All of this is helping so much that you all don't even realize. When you are at rock bottom it takes really special people to pull you back up. I know that I need to stop wondering what he is doing and what he is thinking because it doesn't matter. I do know, however, that he probably wonders what I am doing. The last time he did this to me, he told me it "made him sick to his stomach" to think of me with anyone else. So here's to hoping that he's feeling pretty sick wondering if I am with anyone else! He knows that I have the advantage of living my life without having to answer to someone. His wife is keeping tabs on his every move, phone call, purchase, etc. At least I don't have to live with that. And I don't blame her-if he came back to me I would be treating him the exact same way. That's no way to live in a relationship.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good Luck with the anxiety and panic attacks. Those things make it terribly hard to heal yourself. They can be terribly debilitating. Has your therapist talked about PTSD? Are the meds helping at all?

[norajane]

He knows that I have the advantage of living my life without having to answer to someone.

 

Yes, yes you do.

 

You have the freedom to do anything you want.

 

And yes, I think MM's envy that very much.

[smile711]

The meds are helping-it takes a little time but I feel better than I used to so that's good. I feel like they are helping me shore myself up just in case he calls. It seems like these sort of men always do. Also, while the affair was going on, he never called me from home or cell phone or emailed me-it was strictly calls from work. So if he decides to call, it will be easy for him to do so without his W knowing. A friend in a similar situation (there are a lot of us out there!) warned me that if he calls, he will probably pretend it's for some other reason, like, do you remember what time the meeting is or did you see the football game last night-just to see if there is an opening there and gauge my feelings. What do you all think? Has this been your experience?