complication Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 We were together for a year. Saw each other midsummer (summer vacation in college), and it was perfect. We get back to school, and she seemed a bit different. Long story short, we were having sex, it felt one way. I asked her if she loved me, and it hit her like a train wreck. She said she lost feelings without any explanation and admitted nothing changed between us. She said she doesn't know what she wanted. Next day she screamed her eyes out to herself, we spoke, she was still firm on ending it. What's strange is that the last day of college before our vacation she cried and said she was in complete love, never felt this way about another guy. This year she got heavily involved with new school stuff that takes up a lot of time. During the next 2 days over the breakup, I said "lets try to work this out, think about it and get back to me", but then I demanded an answer if she wanted to get back. She got pissed, said no, and said she knew it was over when she didn't get jealous over the thought of me with another girl. But, our last breakup conversation I said that I agree with the breakup (reverse psych to her), she should find another guy (she said she wasn't looking for a relatoinship), I said I am finding someone else (she said I shouldn't have a problem with that, probably out of defense though), and that I wasn't going to be a dick and end 1 year of good times by shutting off doors, I said we can be friendly but not talk as much. She admitted that when she's not with me, she's firm on the breakup, but when with me she is confused. Over the next 3 weeks, we had no direct contact. In passing we had short convos, one time she passed me while I was playing basketball with another chick and she took out her cell phone to pretend she didn't see us. Otherwise, our convos in passing were generally short and banal friendliness. Then, 4 days ago she passed me with a HUGE simle on her face, initiated the conversation, kept smiling, noticed how I was wearing the shirt she got me when together, and when she passed, she turned back and looked at me (and caught me also looking back at her).\ The next day she TXTed me out of the blue, asking how my concert was. I said "fun, i'm going to coldstone at 8, id like you to come" she said back "id love 2 go but plans tonight. maybe tomorrow. i'll give you a call?". The next day, by 4:30 no call, so I called her and said "before I make plans tonight, I want to see if we're doing anything?". She said she was going to see a movie with her roommate at 9. I said "ok, do me a favor, when you get back to campus call me so we can talk for a sec", she said yes. I called her back right then again, and said "what were your intentions by txting me?" and she said "honestly, I regretted txting you after I sent it - i thought we could be friends" and I said " i don't want to be friends" She got annoyed, I told her to call me still, and when she got back on campus she did (SURPRISINGLY!). She came to my room, she seemed antsy and jumpy. I ask her what was wrong, she said she's confused. I said, "on what?" she said she was confused as to why she texted me (rather than saying she did it to be friends). She told me her girlfriend said she was a bitch for texting me. I then asked her if she wanted to get ice cream, and she got even more bewildered but smiling, I ask her what's up, and she said "this is so weird i mean, going to get ice cream with my ex? not expecting this". I told her, "it's just ice cream, no big deal, it's in your head". She asked if she could bring her roomie so they could go from there to the movie, I said i'd rather it just be us two. Then she asked why didn't I go the day before, I told her bluntly "b/c i'd rather go with you". She agreed to go, and during the night we were both having good conversation, never mentioned the breakup or the phone call before she came back, we were laughing a lot of the time, referencing stuff that we knew of each other when together. When the conversatoin died down, she asked me, "so what have you been up to?" and I tried to be mysterious and I simply said "having fun, doing my own thing" and she's like "oh yeah?", which I say yep to - she, imo, was expecting more of a response. When we got ice cream, I offered to pay, she said no she'll pay for herself. When we were sitting and eating, she asked me straight out, "So you went on a date?" I said yep, she said "with out? the <name> girl?" I said "no, not her" she then said "oh she's your type" I say "no she's not" she then asks how it went I said it was fun to be mysteroius. Then, after we ate, the rest of the night randomly she would throw out of the blue that she apparantly has met up with a few people at 1 AM randomly, said she was going out with someone after the movie at 11 [which she never did, her AIM status showed she was always online till 1 AM], and she brought up how some frat guy (who she doesn't like - FACT, trust me) wants to get with her and she ignored his txt in front of me. Is she doing this b/c she knows I went on a date and is trying to get a rouse, or if she is doing it to affirm we are broken up, not sure. Last two points. During the night I was trying to be subtly flirty by putting my hand on her here and there, one time to pull her off the dirt, other times just to risk it. She didn't back off really. Another time I asked if she got piercings at the mall that day, and she said "yeah, I got my nipple pierced, wanna see? haha jk" - flirty. After I walked her back to the movies to meet up with her roomie, she thanked me for having a good night and we said bye and split. WHAT IS GOING ON, WHERE DO I STAND, HOW DO I PROCEED TO GET BACK WITH HER?
nowhereman82 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Same advice everyone gets dude....go no contact. She is holding back and not willing to go further. You let her get a little bit of what she wants, like a vampire, then leaves. Actions speak louder than words always. So reflect on that, stop feeding her, and if and when her actions are appropiate then you can entertain the idea of anything beyond no contact.
touchedbyfire Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Yeah, you gotta stop analyzing the small things. They mean absolutely nothing. If she was interested in getting back together with you, she'd let you know. Instead, she's playing these little games with you for affirmation. They're just little ego boosts. For her. There's nothing you can actually do or say to get her back. You have to walk away from her. It's only in your absence that she will be able to figure out whether she wants you back or not. With you trying to win her back, she will remain as confused as ever because she won't know whether it's HER who wants you back or she's just being convinced by you (which will ultimately fail).
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Complication, you think you're being mysterious and aloof but you're completely whipped and she knows it. That's why she can flirt and play with you, because you're safe, she can do whatever she wants with/to you and you'll still come back for more. She's taking advantage of you - for an ego boost, because she's lonely, who knows. What she ISN'T doing is saying she wants to get back together. What she ISN'T doing is making concerted efforts to understand/explain her own behavior and earn her way back into your life. My best advice is to stop contacting her and really do build a life of your own, without her. Go out for ice cream with other people. Stop trying to get her to do date-like things with you when you're broken up and she's being wishy-washy. Stop trying to touch her (!) even if she's not slapping you across the face for doing so. In short, she can't miss you if you're constantly available.
Author complication Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Update: She ultimately decided not to give it another go despite me saying I'd walk out on her. She said she went with me because she took it as a friendly thing. We then decided to be friends with benefits, I'm sleeping with her this weekend, she admitted to feeling like we are still dating, and that she's confused whenever I'm with her. Hopefully the sex will mess with her. If I cannot handle it or if we takl about it at the end of the weekend and it's still not good, I can't do it.
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Update: She ultimately decided not to give it another go despite me saying I'd walk out on her. We then decided to be friends with benefits, I'm sleeping with her this weekend, she admitted to feeling like we are still dating, and that she's confused whenever I'm with her. Hopefully the sex will mess with her. Well that's certainly a strong foundation on which to build a relationship... Methinks you should probably hear her "no" as a "no" and realize she is quite unlikely to want to get back into a 'real' relationship with you. But good luck "messing" with her... On a less sarcastic note: if what you want is a real relationship, please know that you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and hurt.
Author complication Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Well that's certainly a strong foundation on which to build a relationship... Methinks you should probably hear her "no" as a "no" and realize she is quite unlikely to want to get back into a 'real' relationship with you. But good luck "messing" with her... On a less sarcastic note: if what you want is a real relationship, please know that you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and hurt. Well what am I to do? She ended it out of nowhere for no legitimate reason, she says it wasn't cheating, she doesn't want to give it another go. I don't ****ing understand it, and I told her this and she still can't explain it.
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Well what am I to do? She ended it out of nowhere for no legitimate reason, she says it wasn't cheating, she doesn't want to give it another go. I don't ****ing understand it, and I told her this and she still can't explain it. The reasons people give for breaking up are never ever ever going to fully satisfy the person who is getting dumped. And sometimes the person doing the dumping doesn't exactly know what's changed, only that something has changed. Hell, I got dumped 3 years ago by a guy who everyone thought I was going to marry. And the only reason he could give me is that his feelings changed. It was vague, it wasn't "legitimate", he couldn't point to anything specific that had happened, he wouldn't give me the decency of a "real" closure conversation. I was devastated beyond anything I'd ever experienced. But just because he couldn't give me an answer I could live with didn't mean it wasn't still over, dead, done. I never heard from him again and he has since married someone else and had a child. Let her go. Honestly. You are only setting yourself up for more heartache. If she would use you for sex while knowing at some level that you want a relationship with her is incredibly selfish on her part. Don't settle for those crumbs.
touchedbyfire Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I'm just going to save myself the typing and second EVERYTHING that sunshinegirl just said. Also, the fact that you are hoping that sex will manipulate her into wanting a relationship with you just illustrates how much personal growth you still have to do.
BCCA Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 If you sleep with her, youll join me on the list of MEN that were used for sex. I cant honestly believe that you just want a friend with benefits, because guess what, when she doesnt need those benefits from you, youll be left in the cold. I went on sleeping with an ex for a couple of months, and then they meet someone else and havent the time of day for you. Dont do it. I know how hard it is to pass up sex, but shell respect you a lot more if you dont do it. Youre letting her have her cake and eat it, too, and not showing a whole lot of selfesteem.
Author complication Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 If you sleep with her, youll join me on the list of MEN that were used for sex. I cant honestly believe that you just want a friend with benefits, because guess what, when she doesnt need those benefits from you, youll be left in the cold. I went on sleeping with an ex for a couple of months, and then they meet someone else and havent the time of day for you. Dont do it. I know how hard it is to pass up sex, but shell respect you a lot more if you dont do it. Youre letting her have her cake and eat it, too, and not showing a whole lot of selfesteem. What if I don't like her anymore, am pursuing other women, but am keeping this for fun on the side?
BCCA Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 What if I don't like her anymore, am pursuing other women, but am keeping this for fun on the side? Sounds great, but honestly - I dont believe you Not to call you a liar, but even though Im going out with other people and pursuing other women, I want my ex to 'realize' that she made a mistake. If you SERIOUSLY can be ok with the fact that this 'fun on the side' could dissapear overnight, then do what you will. But I'll tell you the honest truth, being dropped so the next guy can take your place in her bed hurts almost worse than the initial breakup. Youre never as ready for it as you would like to believe you are.
Author complication Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Sounds great, but honestly - I dont believe you Not to call you a liar, but even though Im going out with other people and pursuing other women, I want my ex to 'realize' that she made a mistake. If you SERIOUSLY can be ok with the fact that this 'fun on the side' could dissapear overnight, then do what you will. But I'll tell you the honest truth, being dropped so the next guy can take your place in her bed hurts almost worse than the initial breakup. Youre never as ready for it as you would like to believe you are. I plan on riding through the weekend with her and see how it goes. If it is too much for me, I will tell her that I cannot do FWB. I still would like to maintain contact with her though.
sunshinegirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I plan on riding through the weekend with her and see how it goes. If it is too much for me, I will tell her that I cannot do FWB. I still would like to maintain contact with her though. I say go for it. The best lessons I've learned in life have also been the most painful ones...
Recommended Posts