kiki30 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 So update, I am getting better, some days are definately better than others. Today has not started off so well - but he is at work so I will be okay for now. I am working at putting some emotional distance between myself and the live-in ex as difficult as it is with what the 3:00am morning calls and texts from his playmate (after a few words from me-now turns off his phone). I no longer blame myself for leaving, i understand someone who invests everything in a relationship does not simply up and leave for no reason. And it wasn't that i up and left...i spoke to him at length why i needed to reevaluate my life- and that i needed him to understand and maintain communication, and i called him constantly. (He never called me once to talk to me - really talk to me) Not to mention while i was on my own some guy made a threat to do away with me and sent someone after me, and he didn't make much of an effort to be there for me ( i guess me leaving therefore i deserve what happens to me..actually he said later that 'i made my bed'). My friend drove me from an hour to make sure that i was somewhere safe (back at my home with my ex) meanwhile my ex goes off to a club and returns at 4:00am! Okay i am digressing... for some strange reason it bugs me that he still has nothing to say....i mean NOTHING! This is exactly how it was before, when there was an issue - he disengages completely! So now that we are not together and he is sleeping around with some chic - why in the hell should i be surprised that once again he has nothing to say... I made the mistake of asking him does anything go through his mind ( i mean considering that 7 years of our lives are going down the drain) he replies flatly no... nothing goes through my mind.... WHY DOES IT STILL HURT? WHAT AM I EXPECTING? CLOSURE, HIS UNDERSTANDING, SOME SELF REFLECTION ON HIS PART... This is exactly what i was looking for before - nothing has changed... it is just puzzling that despite everything i still am looking for these things and still get hurt when i end up with the same crap. Advice anyone?
daphne Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup, but I think he's being an ass to protect himself. Clearly, you did some damage even though it sounds like you were trying to do the right thing. He's easing his pain by doing whatever he thinks will help him get through it. The reason I don't buy his cold act is that he said you made your bed. That sounds like a bitter ex. Regardless, he's not a terribly compassionate person. I'm not sure what the circumstances were with the other guy threatening your life, but I would be concerned for a friend. Shoot, I had an ex that was concerned about a bad break up I had last year. My advice would be to not take his actions or words personally and know that he's not that good of a person and you're more than likely better off without him. Easy to say, hard to understand during the breakup. Just don't internalize and think this is your fault. It's who he is.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I think CLOSURE is going to be hard to find as long as you're under the same roof.
Ingenue Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Your ex sounds selfish by refusing to at least engage in a dialogue. I'm in agreement with lonelyandfrustrated that it will be difficult for you to get closure as long as your ex continues to live with you. Without that physical distance, the emotional distance will be hard to come by. Take the high road in this kiki and move on, live well and know that you are a person who thinks and feels and experiences.
nowhereman82 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I dont agree with the selfish part Ingenue....He got it right when he said she made her own bed. You left him. If there was a way for her I am sure he would not be living with you. He sounds angry to me and has it kept inside and has no loving feelings for you left. He's protecting himself and owes you nothing for what you did. You left him, so why do you wish to "discuss" things. It just stirs the **** up for no reason.
Ingenue Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I dont agree with the selfish part Ingenue....He got it right when he said she made her own bed. You left him. If there was a way for her I am sure he would not be living with you. He sounds angry to me and has it kept inside and has no loving feelings for you left. He's protecting himself and owes you nothing for what you did. You left him, so why do you wish to "discuss" things. It just stirs the **** up for no reason. Nowhereman, I can see your position as her ex is maintaining distance most likely to preserve his own sense of self. But, in the posting, she did seem to suggest that the ex refused to engage in a dialogue which prompted her reasons for leaving him. Regardless of whatever went wrong though, I was trying to get Kiki to stop trying to analyse what went wrong and to move on. The longer she dwells on the past and lives in the past trying to understand it, the less opportunity she has to make a fresh start for her life and for her ex, who also should have a fresh start
mixwell Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 If the OP wanted nothing to do with the ex and dumped him then its her bad to continue to let him live under the same roof.. Really whatever he does is none of your business and YOU were the one that ended the relationship.. Maybe you should let him go and tell him to move out.. I think if I were the dumpee I would have left the residence to avoid any BS.. You did make your bed and YOU did end the relationship so you have no right to question him. If your not happy with him living with you then ask him to leave and let him move on.. He's probably hurt by you dumping him and I can't blame him for not wanted to talk to you...
LakesideDream Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 OK, what's the deal here? If a man goes NC he's wrong. If A woman goes NC she always right, should be supported, coddled, and praised. Huge double standard. Which is why I think NC is generally Bovine Scat.
0hpenelope Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 He's reacting like a dumpee would. He has nothing to say to the one who left him. He's clearly lying. A major event like this will make anyone think and feel, but he is hurting and honestly, he doesn't owe the one who hurt him anything. Not his thoughts, not his feelings... He's trying to let go of the 7 years in his own way. You broke up with him for your own reasons. That's understandable - you're taking care of yourself and what you need to do. What's also understandable is his pain and how he's reacting to it to protect himself from further hurt. I'd think about it twice before I ask him any personal questions now, if I were you. You expect him to share anything with you now, you're only going to be met with disappointment. It's good to see that you're better now. Progress!
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