He's leaving his wife

[GypsyGirl]

...and I'm a nervous wreck.

 

(Just some background, ladies: I'm the one with the married boyfriend who said he wouldn't leave his wife until their dog died--and I can't even type that without laughing about your reactions. Update: the dog is not dead.)

 

I've just lurked here all summer, because things have been going very well. In June he and the wife separated--he sleeps out 3 or 4 nights a week, either with me or at his sister's house, and when he sleeps at home, she sleeps out or she's away on business. He suggested this and she agreed (I don't doubt him -- he's usually with me, but when he's home I can call him freely, etc. so I know she's not there.)

 

I started looking for a house in the spring, something I would have done with or without him. He wants to live with me and split the bills--great. Part of the reason I was fine with him not moving out in June was because it made no sense financially for him to go rent an apartment when I'd have a house before his lease was up. We've done it all together--house-hunted, chose the house, inspection, shopped the insurance, taken countless trips to Home Depot to order cabinets and flooring and stuff and God do I hate Home Depot. I bought the washer with my money, he bought the dryer with his. He's packed his stuff and put it in storage or given it to me.

 

(Just so you all know, it's my down payment, and the house/mortgage are solely in my name. I'm able to pay the bills without him and his income if necessary. I may be in love, but I'm not a moron.)

 

Anyway, moving day is almost here, and I'm a nervous wreck. We close on Monday the 29th, and he's telling the wife on Friday the 26th that he's moving out for good. He's sad and stressed, and that's understandable. He's leaving a place he's lived for 11 years. He's leaving his dog (he thinks she'll insist on keeping the dog at first but eventually give it to him, once she has to deal with the walking/feeding/medication/responsibility herself). And he's leaving his wife. Even if it's the right thing to do, it's huge and it's sad and it's scary.

 

I know he's nervous about his wife's reaction, and I am, too. We've talked it over countless times and it would be completely weird if she decided to suddenly care now--they barely speak and any sense of partnership was gone way before I was in the picture.

 

Part of the reason I've been comfortable taking this huge step with him is because he's handled this gracefully so far -- he's been able to balance his sadness over a failed marriage with optimism about our future. He's put me and our relationship first, without intentionally hurting his wife.

 

But now all the sudden it's like--whoa. For the past few days, he's been a little quieter than usual, less goofy and funny, more serious in general. I know it's hitting him, and I don't know how to act. I want to be supportive, but I don't know the right way to handle this. I don't want him to be unhappy, and I know it has nothing to do with us, but seeing him like this terrifies me. We have so much to handle in the next couple of weeks, but I don't know how to communicate with him when he's like this. He's assured me in every way that he's not changing his mind, he's just got a lot on his mind.

 

Anyway -- for those of you who even got this far, because man this is a long post -- how am I supposed to handle this? I know that some of you are with men who have left their wives, and you've gone through the separation and divorce with them. I knew this wouldn't be all rainbows and sunshine and I prepared emotionally for it as best I could, but being right in the middle of it right now is scary, and I'd appreciate any advice.

[cybersister]

Not one I have direct experience of- when I moved out from my H there was no-one else.

However, I really do not think there is anything other than give him time and space.

listen to him if/when he needs to talk. He just needs to know you are there for him.

[Patience08]

I'm happy for you. If you don't mind me asking, I may have missed you say this in the past, does his wife knows about you? And how long have you been together?

 

Thanks

[GypsyGirl]

Thanks, Patience . I'm happy too, just anxious!

 

We've been together since January. We met at work, and he'd been there 4 months before that, so we've known each other for a fair amount of time. His wife does not know about me--at least, he hasn't told her. Whether she knows or suspects is anybody's guess. He and his family think she knows something--she's not stupid--but she's never acted suspicious or seemed to care.

 

He's not going to tell her about me in the "I'm leaving and want a divorce" talk, which is fine with me. She shouldn't feel like she's being "left for another woman." Unless her personality and feelings change radically in the next 2 weeks, she won't care if/why he leaves anyway, and telling her about me seems like overkill in that case.

[norajane]

His wife will know about you in short order, as soon as she asks where he's moving to. Be prepared for some fall-out. She may not want him, and she may not care about a divorce, but she will care that he's moving in with you and she'll put two and two together that he's been having an affair even if he doesn't come out and admit it. Why else would he be moving into another woman's house?

 

In any case, there isn't much you can do. He has to go through his departure and divorce in his own way. You can be supportive, but it's his issue to deal with. He and his wife will have to figure out a way to work it out.

 

Yes, he's going to be moody and have lots of bad days and bad moods and bad discussions with the divorce attorney...he has spoken to one, right? They'll have to work out finances, and that could end up being a big stresser, especially if she gets upset that he's moving in with you and has been having an affair.

 

Try not to get sucked into the details of their divorce. Stay out of it as much as possible. He's been good at compartmentalizing his home life and his affair so far - he ought to be able to compartmentalize a bit more and not make you his therapist during his divorce.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why he would move in with you so quickly... ALOT can happen, and the fallout could be huge. If anything, you two need to slow down. He obviously needs time to sort out his feelings, the loss of his marriage, like it or not.

[Lookingforward]

His wife will know about you in short order, as soon as she asks where he's moving to. Be prepared for some fall-out. She may not want him, and she may not care about a divorce, but she will care that he's moving in with you and she'll put two and two together that he's been having an affair even if he doesn't come out and admit it. Why else would he be moving into another woman's house?

 

In any case, there isn't much you can do. He has to go through his departure and divorce in his own way. You can be supportive, but it's his issue to deal with. He and his wife will have to figure out a way to work it out.

 

Yes, he's going to be moody and have lots of bad days and bad moods and bad discussions with the divorce attorney...he has spoken to one, right? They'll have to work out finances, and that could end up being a big stresser, especially if she gets upset that he's moving in with you and has been having an affair.

 

Try not to get sucked into the details of their divorce. Stay out of it as much as possible. He's been good at compartmentalizing his home life and his affair so far - he ought to be able to compartmentalize a bit more and not make you his therapist during his divorce.

 

I agree with norajane on this part. It can be amazing the 360 turn a being left spouse can make when they realise there is "someone else".

 

Hopefully in your case, it won't make a difference and he will have the courage of his convictions.

 

I wish you both well.

[GypsyGirl]

Thanks, everyone. This really helps.

 

Whichwayisup-- We discussed all the pros and cons of moving in together at length, and are satisfied that it's right for us. For the past 3 months we've been spending 3 nights or more per week in a vacant house one of our friends owns, dealing with each other on an everyday level, managing the house and the bills, etc. It's just what we're comfortable with, and while I understand the need for more time and space and distance in some cases, this is what we think will work best for us.

 

Norajane, yes--he's seen an attorney. No kids, no shared property, no joint accounts, no debts. She's financially independent and stable in a big way. He's not going to tell her he's moving in with me, and he's having his mail forwarded elsewhere until the divorce papers are signed. There's still the chance that she'll dig and find out, but hey--she hasn't expressed any interest in finding out what's going on with him before, and believe me, she's got resources bigger and better than any of the rest of us. Finding things out and analyzing behavior is what she does for a living! So, he's preparing for the worst-case scenario, but he knows her well and thinks she'll be calm about the whole thing. Also, she's been wanting to go back to school and move to another state for her job/family for a while, and has mentioned that to him a few times during the separation. It's likely she'll just get moving on those things once he's gone, if she isn't already moving on them.

[OWoman]

Good luck, Gypsy - expect tough times, but also wonderful times. Yes, it's a big decision and his head and heart will be heavy at times, and you'll wish you could wave a wand and make it right... but you can't. He'll just have to go through with it himself, taking the time he needs. Other times he will be ecstactic, bouncing off the ceiling, his heart bursting so with joy at the relief of knowing he made the right choice, his love singing out with every breath. You'll feel cherished and loved and validated. Sometimes he'll go from one to the other in a flash, with no obvious cause. Other times little things will set him off - muttering darkly, laughing loudly, or quietly reflective. You'll wonder if you're living with a madman at times - but before you phone the men in the white coats, take a deep breath and remember that it doesn't last forever.

 

If you live near a natural health store, or homoeopath, try to get some ignatia for him. Watch his diet - stodgy low GI foods help, and cutting the refined sugar, caffeine and alcohol - and make sure he gets enough exercise (bedroom wrestling best... ).Talking helps, but also, if he's into writing (poetry, prose, anything) or drawing, painting, sculpting or anything creative with his hands, that kind of right-brain activity helps too. And, all the above for you, too. It helps to keep everyone's moods on an even keel and avoids some of the extreme ups and downs.

[wildsoul]

Thanks for sharing your story! I hope that the transition is smooth for all of you. A few bumps and stressors are to be expected, but it sounds like your honey is taking decisive action and the wheels are in motion.

 

My guy is separating from his W, but moving into his own apartment first. (He's not filing D papers right away.) I'm keen on learning from others who are transitioning from being the OW to the primary partner and how to do that well. So please keep posting!

[OWoman]

I'm keen on learning from others who are transitioning from being the OW to the primary partner and how to do that well.

 

Sorry, this is a bit off topic, but I was asked on the phone recently (taking a message for MM who was away) "is that his wife?" and I said, "far better, I'm his partner" and I realised as I said it quite how affirming it felt. Being arm candy in public is one thing; instructing service providers on financial matters on your partner's behalf is quite another. The intimacy of sharing responsibility that extends way beyond cooking and cleaning underscores a sense of equality and investment that takes the R into a very different league. It's no longer the carefree detachment and independence of the OW, although that passionate intensity remains.

[torranceshipman]

Nice to hear good news, bu I'd just still try to guard your heart here...he hasnt even told her yet, and that comment about her giving him the dog once she realises the responsibility is too much sounds like...the (quite patronising) words of the MM. I'm saying that you still can only hear what he tells you, and there's a lot to come-him actually telling her, then facing the reality of how he feels - he can complain about her but the moment it hits him in the face that its over - reality bites - he doesnt even know how he's going to feel. He might want her back. Plus REALLY watch out for red flags as he can still live with you, but manage to do it in a part time way and still feasibly pretend things are fine to his W and keep up a pretence of sorts somehow (they might decide on a separation for example, where the door really is still open!-maybe ask him what his plan is here), then spend other time with his W still, or something similar. Then those months after he leaves her, immediately jumping into a world of responsibility with you - again, its totally uncharted territory and he probably has no idea what emotions he'll go through.

 

Not putting a downer on this, as I really hope you get a happy outcome here!!-just please be careful. Your freaking out is probably a realisation of these types of things anyway....but keep us updated-itd be nice to hear a positive story on this board...

[Mino]

Hi... We have tried the moving in with me twice... was not a good idea. This time he has his own place. Much better. They will be moody, mm needs to grieve the failure of hs M. Needs to do this alone... without you there, Plus while going through the D, he really doesnt want to add more to the equation of pissing of the w. I may be wrong, in new terriory myself on this one, just through our expirence moving in together right away was a mistake. By him having his own place first, I will say , we do spend 5 nights a week together, I think the r will be much healthier when we do decide to move in together. Someone correct me if I am wrong.....

[OWoman]

Hi... We have tried the moving in with me twice... was not a good idea. This time he has his own place. Much better. They will be moody, mm needs to grieve the failure of hs M. Needs to do this alone... without you there, Plus while going through the D, he really doesnt want to add more to the equation of pissing of the w. I may be wrong, in new terriory myself on this one, just through our expirence moving in together right away was a mistake. By him having his own place first, I will say , we do spend 5 nights a week together, I think the r will be much healthier when we do decide to move in together. Someone correct me if I am wrong.....

 

I think it's horses for courses. GEL's MM moved in with her directly and it's been working well for them... (but I don't want to put words in her mouth - I'm sure she can comment in her own time.)

[Patience08]

Just the fact that he doesn't have children or property and the W doesn't know about GypsyGirl is a plus. Damn, I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Was he married a very long time? I do think that him just moving out of the marital home is a hugh step. Why the urgency to move in 24/7? I would hate to see you be his transition affair.

 

Anyway, I do hope thing go well for you. It is nice reading about a affair that is progressing to our side of the fence. And I'm happy I stumbled onto this site.

[jj33]

Mine never got that far but congratulations. It sounds like you are very grounded about it all. I hope you are both very happy together. Its nice to hear a success story.

[Patience08]

I'll drink to that!

[GypsyGirl]

Thanks, everybody, so much. Everything you're writing is food for thought. Part of the reason I'm so anxious now is because I do realize how emotionally fraught this is going to be. I'm one of those people who HATES anticipation--I get worried and I stress about things before they happen, and then when they happen it's not as bad as I imagined. I overthink. So I've tried all along to be prepared for the worst and now my mind is just racing, probably for no reason.

 

Patience, to answer your question, they've been married for 11 years. He was 23 when they got married. I think that they've just turned into completely different people over the years, and that's the root of all their problems.

 

Torranceshipman, your advice is great and I'm certainly not against someone playing devil's advocate (in fact, I've got a devil's advocate in my own head ). One of the things that everyone here told me when I first got involved with him was, you only know what he tells you, and you don't know if it's the truth. That advice hit me hard, and it's why my eyes have been wide open this whole time. I know enough now to know that he's not a liar or a sugarcoater. He's brutally honest, but he's never tried to convince me that his wife is evil or neglectful or awful--because she's not. They just have totally different wants and needs, and she's one of those people who is really, really wrapped up in herself. He communicated his needs to her, but nothing ever changed. Eventually he just gave up, built a separate life around his hobbies and family and friends, and then he met me, and here we are.

 

So, he's been ready and wanting to do this for a long time, but I ended up being the catalyst. He knew I wouldn't wait around forever and be a long-term mistress. Instead of losing me, he's taken all the right steps to not only keep me, but to make sure I know I come first. I know it's super-cliched for MM to tell the OW "my marriage has been dead for x number of years," but sometimes it's the truth. He sees the years flying by, and he's in a situation that's just not going to change, and that's why he's leaving.

 

PS--OWoman, I wish I could hug you right now for your sweet post. That was great advice and I'll do my best to keep both of us on an even keel throughout all of this! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask? Did they ever go to marriage counselling to try to fix their marriage? Give it their best?

 

My only concern here is, she may do a 180 and beg him for another chance, put doubt in his head that they really haven't given their marriage a chance to be fixed. Not saying he will cave, but there's always a chance.

[GypsyGirl]

Hi, whichway. No, there's been no counseling.

 

I've thought the same thing you're asking: What if she begs him for another chance, what if he gives her another chance, what if what if what if? And of course the dark part of my mind indulges those thoughts, but I'll be really shocked if that happens.

 

I don't know. He's a very good communicator, and from what I've put together, she's not. He stopped trying to make things work two years ago, largely over her refusal to have a child--which is a whole other story, but they did both go into the marriage agreeing to have children; anything less would have been a deal-breaker for him. I think the steam went out of him at that point.

 

In the first 6 months that he and I were together, he tried to have "the talk" with her maybe 5 times. The gist of the talk was, "This isn't working, I want out, nothing's changing here, there's nothing for me in this marriage, I am making plans to leave." Her response every time was...nothing. The most she ever said was, "We'll talk about it later." And then she'd never bring it up. When he said he wanted the separation and would be staying at his sister's when she was at the apartment, her reaction was, "Okay." It's actually mind-boggling. He's told me numerous times that at this point, if she did suddenly turn around and have questions and want to talk or work things out, he'd be more insulted than anything.

[Owl]

Don't underestimate the affect finding out about you can/will have on his wife and her willingness to play ball over all of this.

 

All bets will be off then...

[NewSunrise]

Did you ever ask why the mood change?

 

What is your gut instinct telling you?

[GypsyGirl]

Hi, NewSunrise...yes, I asked about the mood change, and I ask him a few times a day how he's doing. He likes talking things through, so that's good. He says he's just super stressed, sad about leaving his home and his pet, excited but scared about all the changes. Same as me, I guess: I'm sad to be leaving where I live, sad to be moving out of the home I share with my family and my dogs, stressed to the breaking point over all the details of buying a home. So I understand all of those emotions.

 

Of course, my main concern when his mood changed was that he was having second thoughts, so I asked him about that (repeatedly) and he keeps assuring me that's not the case. Still, I feel...guilty? Like it's my fault that he's going through this sadness? And deep down I'm angry, too, like, "I'm not forcing you to do this, you wanted to do this, what are you so sad about?!" And that makes me feel selfish.

 

As for what my gut is telling me, I honestly don't know anymore. I'm so stressed out and highly emotional right now that I don't even trust my gut.

[wildsoul]

Like it's my fault that he's going through this sadness? And deep down I'm angry, too, like, "I'm not forcing you to do this, you wanted to do this, what are you so sad about?!"

Dunno if you've been through a divorce, but I can assure you that it's normal to experience waves of grief/sadness. When I left my M recently (no kids, amiacable split, instigated by me) I was sure I was doing the right thing, but still had waves of tears right up through signing the papers. Not tears of regret or wavering on my decision. Just tears of letting go. So try to allow your honey room to grieve and not take all of that as a personal threat. It's good that the feelings get processed.

[dcgirl33]

Sounds like her headache will soon be yours. he's done a very good job of hiding you from her. What is he hiding from you? I'd be very surprised if he is as free and clear as you say. What was his contribution to the marriage? How come no financial ties to this wife? Someone is a damn liar.