Communications with BS

[wildsoul]

Agent_99, that was very honest of you to share.

 

Attempting to burn the bridge also seems a common motivation. I can totally understand the desire to do that. But reflecting on it now, it seems that it's still a misguided attempt at getting someone else (the BS) to take action, rather than finding the inner resolve to end the A. Seems to me that it doesn't work either, as your case shows by example. The A bridges can only be truly burned when one or both parties in the A go NC or otherwise end it.

[Owl]

99, did you tell her because you were hoping she'd leave your affair partner? Or because you wanted to hurt her as bad as you were hurting?

 

Deep down, what do you REALLY THINK the motivation(s) were?

 

What outcome were you hoping to get by telling her?

 

WS, this quote is very, very true IME:

The A bridges can only be truly burned when one or both parties in the A go NC or otherwise end it.

[stampdaddy]

as most of you know, I have talked to BS about 5-6 times now.... First, was after he first started to catch on and fear the worst.. and when I first talked to him, it was short and sweet and basically a "soft" introduction that "I" really did exist, which I knew whould quickly turn into a living hell for him...

The second and third times a few weeks after were him looking for more TRUTH, and I was honest with EVERY question he asked..

 

The ONLY time I picked up the phone was this past February, when he was getting the run around from MW about a phone that she had of mine.. He KNEW it was mine, but was getting jerked around and it made me sick.. I felt he needed to know the truth, and for the game to stop..

 

And then last week, he called me...

 

I DO understand the many feelings that we as the OM/OW can go through regarding this, and I think that no concrete answer to this question, and every situation is different. I think OWL is correct when he says that it is the AFFAIR that is what hurts, and I can not imagine what it feels like for the BS to find out, HOWEVER they find out.. I can imagine that there are WORSE ways for a BS to findout...

 

anyway, that is my 1 1/2 cents worth

[bentnotbroken]

as most of you know, I have talked to BS about 5-6 times now.... First, was after he first started to catch on and fear the worst.. and when I first talked to him, it was short and sweet and basically a "soft" introduction that "I" really did exist, which I knew whould quickly turn into a living hell for him...

The second and third times a few weeks after were him looking for more TRUTH, and I was honest with EVERY question he asked..

 

The ONLY time I picked up the phone was this past February, when he was getting the run around from MW about a phone that she had of mine.. He KNEW it was mine, but was getting jerked around and it made me sick.. I felt he needed to know the truth, and for the game to stop..

 

And then last week, he called me...

 

I DO understand the many feelings that we as the OM/OW can go through regarding this, and I think that no concrete answer to this question, and every situation is different. I think OWL is correct when he says that it is the AFFAIR that is what hurts, and I can not imagine what it feels like for the BS to find out, HOWEVER they find out.. I can imagine that there are WORSE ways for a BS to findout...

 

anyway, that is my 1 1/2 cents worth

 

 

I'd rather the AP tell me than a Dr. You have...... and there is no cure.

[Agent_99]

Agent_99, that was very honest of you to share.

 

Attempting to burn the bridge also seems a common motivation. I can totally understand the desire to do that. But reflecting on it now, it seems that it's still a misguided attempt at getting someone else (the BS) to take action, rather than finding the inner resolve to end the A. Seems to me that it doesn't work either, as your case shows by example. The A bridges can only be truly burned when one or both parties in the A go NC or otherwise end it.

 

WS~ You are absolutly right. It didn't work the way I thought it would, as 9 days later we were on the phone talking about how much we missed each other and even though I moved during that time, we would remain friends.

 

99, did you tell her because you were hoping she'd leave your affair partner? Or because you wanted to hurt her as bad as you were hurting?

 

My answers in bold. No, I didn't think they would split up. I think there was a bit of me that wanted to hurt her, to lash out at MW, not all, but a part. The thing is there wasn't much of a thought process to it at all. I was in such a state it was a bit like trying to cut your arm off because it hurt and you couldn't see through the pain to realize that what you were doing wasn't logical.

 

Deep down, what do you REALLY THINK the motivation(s) were?

 

I just wanted it to end and I felt so weak because everytime I had tried to end it privately it didn't last the day the many many times I tried (almost weekly) I truly thought that it would cause such a rift between MW and I that she wouldn't even try to contact me ever again. I was in such emotional distress and she had become the focus of my life and my pain.

 

What outcome were you hoping to get by telling her?

 

For it to be over. Two days after I told BS I made the decision to move away. I thought it would make it easier on everyone, them room to work on their relationship and me to heal. Plus honestly I couldn't stand the thought of running into MW and facing all the guilt I was feeling at the time for betraying her trust in me.

 

WS, this quote is very, very true IME:

 

I just want to say that what happened, what I did was not just a symptom of my affair, although the affair was not adding to my emotional stability. I was a very f***ed up person by that point. I have accepted that who that person was is part of who I am, and it is a side of me that I never want to give into again.

 

~99

[jj33]

99 the important distinction is that you take responsibility for your behavior and do not try to hide and say oh i was right i was doing a good deed...

 

And BNB I know you say its a health concern, but most OW arent going to the BS and saying I have something and I may have passed it onto you.. they are doing it for their own reasons. I appreciate that however you find out you find out so you can stop trusting the CS to be "clean".

[Owl]

I would tell you...as a former BS...

 

That I would have rather that my wife's OM have come forward out of WHATEVER reason/motivation and admitted the truth so I could know what was going on and work on the issue, than to have him continue to conceal the situation out of some potential concern for my well being.

 

From my perspective...NOT telling, for whatever reasons, is far more self-serving for the OM/OW. Its far easier to come up with reasons to avoid letting the whole thing come out in the open than it is to face the potential wrath of the person you helped betray.

 

Not attacking you, JJ...don't take it that way. To me, its easier to rationalize a reason NOT to tell than it is to 'face the consequences' and tell. And telling the BS just 'evens the playing field'...now they're AWARE and able to make decisions about the outcome, just as the OW/OM and WS are.

[jj33]

Owl I think we have to agree to disagree on this one - most of the OW who tell do so for their own ugly reasons and paint themselves as virtuous. They do it in a mean spirited fashion. Its not the same thing as going to the W with remorse. And I know many people who wouldnt want to know.

 

Everyone is different. I know you would want to know even if you were told in a nasty way as would BNB.

[jj33]

If you look at the stories who tells unless they are in a rage - noone I have seen. If I had been in a situation where the MM was sneaking around saying he was going out for a few hours and coming home and climbing into bed, I would not have done it. I met W she knew who I was. She told me so in those exact words when we were introduced "I know who you are" and complimented what I was wearing. We had a polite exchange and that was the end of it. It was all quite civilized. I did not take the opportunity to say your H loves me etc etc etc. Outsiders didnt know. But she knew. The bottom line was she didnt care.

 

But if I had for arguments sake, I would not have gone to the BS because I would have been complicit with the CS. That by definition is an A. But at least I admit that. All of these women were complicit with the CS up until the time they felt they didnt win or needed a way out - none of it was "for" the W. So when you say its a cop out - you are looking at the wrong person - an OW is by definition not on the BSs side so to speak. If they were they wouldnt be sleeping with the husband.

 

Anyway I think you will say you think they should tell anyway for any reason whatsoever. But they dont seem to even "face" any consequences, they seem to do it out of entitlement or anger or I dont even know. I see now everyone has a different view people do what they do in these situations. My situation was a stratosphere away from these situations so perhaps I just cant relate. It just seems there was a lot of taunting in cases where a BS knew or unnecessary details being flaunted with no intent other than to hurt only to hear the OW say she did a good thing.

[Owl]

I'll agree that there are times when the OW/OM does it to "get back at" the BS. I've seen that happen many times in my four years on this and other forums.

 

Sometimes, it IS done with a savage intent.

 

Sometimes, its not.

 

Sometimes, the BS doesn't want to know, and wants to live their life as an ostrich, head buried in the sand.

 

Sometimes (IME, more often than not), they WANT to know the truth.

 

IME, there's no way for the OW/OM to know which type of BS they're dealing with. You can't rely on what the WS tells you about them...the WS has one goal...the continuance of the affair. They'd almost always tell everyone that the moon was made of marshmallow if they thought it would let them continue with the status quo.

 

I believe that the majority of BS's would rather know the truth, regardless of HOW they're told, or why. That's my experience and opinion.

 

But...I can agree to disagree with you on this, JJ. There's clearly no "one size fits all" solution for this, so in the end you do the best you can.

 

Nice to have a civil discussion on this subject tho...I've enjoyed the discourse.

[jj33]

Me too. Thanks Owl. Its difficult. I met W after it was over and it was very unnerving. Because MM and I are in close contact I dont know if she even knew it was over. She didnt ask I didnt mention. But in a million years I would never have taunted her with details.

[Agent_99]

I agree I don't think it's right to flaunt anything. Basically my conversation was "I don't know how else to say it, so I'll just say it. MW and have been having an affair since last fall." She replied thanking me and telling me that she had to get back to work. That was it.

 

I'm not sure that the majority of BS want to know. Well maybe they want to know, but after the fact they would rather pretend it didn't happen rather than deal with whatever issue may have caused it. In the case of a bad relationship I think this is more the case, rather than some sort of issue with the CS, or some sort of incompatability.

 

jj~ Yes, but there was a point there where I didn't want to take responsibility. For the first 4 or 5 days I tried to convince myself that I was being altruistic, that if I was in BS place I would have wanted to know no matter what the source. But that was mostly to make myself feel good about what I did. BS would have been happier not knowing and it just ending on it's own. This is just the one case though. I mean she truly believes that MW and I only talk occasionally at work, even though someone sent her that letter saying they had seen us kissing in the parking lot recently.

 

~99

[jj33]

99 I think there is a dignity point there. You allowed her to keep her dignity. You were brief to the point. You didnt throw it all at her. But the bottom line is she didnt want to know, still doesnt want to know and most important, you have taken responsibility for your actions.

[bentnotbroken]

99 the important distinction is that you take responsibility for your behavior and do not try to hide and say oh i was right i was doing a good deed...

 

And BNB I know you say its a health concern, but most OW arent going to the BS and saying I have something and I may have passed it onto you.. they are doing it for their own reasons. I appreciate that however you find out you find out so you can stop trusting the CS to be "clean".

 

 

I didn't mean that the current ow could have something. But I do believe that if he/she is cheating it is a possibility that they are with more than one person or have with more than one person. Just to know they are cheating at all gives the betrayed partner a heads up.

[NoIDidn't]

I am one of those rare folks that would rather not know. I especially would rather not be told by the OW, whatever her reasons.

 

But, it is not an act of denial or acting like an ostrich. Sometimes one already has more than enough on their plate and one more thing might just be the last straw.

 

But maybe it is a little bit of denial. I figure, if I know, I am now forced to act. I don't ignore things. So if I knew, I would definitely do something about it. But if I don't want to deal with it right now, I'd rather not have someone forcing me to know about it. Especially if their goal is to hurt my H by hurting me and our children. Because, face it, if you hurt me (in my case, anyway), my children will be hurt by me not being able to function fully because of the emotional weight of the revelation. I don't think that the OWs, even vengeful ones, that contact the BW intend to hurt the kids, but they do when they hurt mom. And she will face my wrath for what she did first. Then, I will deal with the man that I live with (if I let him stay, that is).

 

Just my thoughts on the OW contacting the BW. If it were me being contacted in that way.

[GPFan]

There have been a number of threads recently about OP "telling" BS what their CS is really like what has happened or what they feel she should know. It seems to be a misplaced sense of entitlement and control.

From reading it appears in many instances the BS is simply the weapon used to beat the CS with. Harm done to the BS is collateral damage from the undeclared war between OW and CS. Less often, the BS is seen as the victor and telling is a deliberate swipe meant to knock BS off her perceived pedestal.

 

I haven't yet encountered, in reading or elsewhere, a scenario where the OW was genuinely concerned with the BS' wellbeing. Such a scenario would be counterintuitive and, thus, unbelievable anyway.

[jj33]

From reading it appears in many instances the BS is simply the weapon used to beat the CS with. Harm done to the BS is collateral damage from the undeclared war between OW and CS. Less often, the BS is seen as the victor and telling is a deliberate swipe meant to knock BS off her perceived pedestal.

 

I haven't yet encountered, in reading or elsewhere, a scenario where the OW was genuinely concerned with the BS' wellbeing. Such a scenario would be counterintuitive and, thus, unbelievable anyway.

 

My point exactly. And the morals of the affair aside to use the BS in that way is unconscionable in my view. It is totally meanspirited. Others may say its no worse than an A but I think it much worse. Just my opinion