headed for a break up

[sayasunday]

My situation is probably common but thought it was comforting to express my emotions somewhere. If anyone is out there reading please feel free to comment or provide input, or insight.

 

Married for almost 10 years to high school sweetheart but been together for almost 18 years. Two children. we seemed to have been able to adjust to growing pains as we practically grew up together. Lately it's been a roller coaster ride or yo yo effect of emotions in which we say it's over, and then things are okay, it's over ,..... things are okay...

 

We both have flaws, mine is probably not budgeting and sometimes overscheduling things, he always been good in helping with the kids, and cleaning etc. He has had a problem of gambling in which i have tolerated. * i have contacted gambler's anonymous also.

 

lately he has been increasingly coming home late when he wants, the yo yo effect of ok i won't do it again is just getting draining on me. tonight i think is the ultimate where i feel that this is it. BUT i always say it but i think i really need to stick with it. I just don't think it's healthy for me and the kids to go through this. As i write, he just left home 2 hours ago and this is after he told me stop telling him to stay home and stuff. 1. yes he may be cheating 2. probably is gambling.

 

I think i am afraid of making an adjustment of being without him after all these years. Our families know get along well, and are used to us being together.

 

these ever increasing arguing and "this is it" speeches are getting too much for me. He has turned into someone i just don't know anymore. i can accept it if we are done, just have to be brave to face family and friends who know us. of course, have to be brave for my girls.

 

this is probably embarassing but this is my first love, so it could be why i am afraid to move on.

 

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

[SingleDad]

Sorry that no one has responded to your post yet.

 

Seems you need to get to the root of the issues - Is he cheating ? Is he gambling ?

 

Is this something recent (months) ?

 

I'd try to investigate his actions a bit further to try to figure it out.

 

Also have a non-confrontational heart to heart, that things are unraveling between you. Maybe suggest MC.

 

I'm the type who suggests to try to work things out long before taking more drastic measures - it does not seem yet that things are not beyond repair.

[TrustInYourself]

Sorry that no one has responded to your post yet.

 

Seems you need to get to the root of the issues - Is he cheating ? Is he gambling ?

 

Is this something recent (months) ?

 

I'd try to investigate his actions a bit further to try to figure it out.

 

Also have a non-confrontational heart to heart, that things are unraveling between you. Maybe suggest MC.

 

I'm the type who suggests to try to work things out long before taking more drastic measures - it does not seem yet that things are not beyond repair.

 

Second this advice.

[sayasunday]

Sorry that no one has responded to your post yet.

Single Dad and Trust in Me Thank you for viewing my post. I appreciate the questions, i will be open and provide the whole picture , so here goes.

 

Seems you need to get to the root of the issues - Is he cheating ? Is he gambling ?

He is gambling. I have been in touch with Gambler's Anonymous before, who has been helpful. It feels like he is addicted to another woman, but it's gambling.

Is this something recent (months) ?

Unfortunately, it's not something recent, not months. It goes back to before we were married. I have done my best to believe that somehow he would grow out of this habit. With my flawed sense of thinking I could control him, i might have manifested a situation where he has attempted to keep his gambling a secret.

In the past and up to now the scenario of his problem is laid out as such:

After he gets off work at 9 pm he is usually home by 920. At any day he decides to gamble, he comes home at varied times, like 2 am or 3 am or even 6 am. He comes home to me crying as he successfully ignores my calls to his cell. Two or three days after silent treatment he apologizes and vows to be honest and quit. At times he would pull this on days when his family or my friends are over and i would make excuses that he is out having a drink with coworkers or talking story.

Couple the above with lies on finances, which is probably connected to his gambling. 6 years ago he rear ended an elderly man, and i found out that my husbands car was not insured, he probably spent the money instead of going down to insure it (i trusted him) This resulted in 2k upfront to pay for the damages.

Fast forward to now. He has gotten bolder in being upfront about his gambling. He tries to make up an excuse that he has to help a friend out with something or go to a party. When i ask i i am invited he gives me an attitude because he knows i am on to hiis lies. And then he blatently just goes anyways. When i cry he rudely makes remarks that " i would get mad anyways. " I rememember one time trying to surprise him with a weekend getaway with just him and the kids at a local hotel and he left us for a couple hours to gamble, he didn't care. It's part of the sickness which i have been trying so hard to accept. It starts to sound like a broken record. When all is doing good, he then decides to gamble and come home whenever time he feels like it.

On top of this: everyone looks at us as the perfect couple who has lasted so long, they think of him as the adoring father who takes care of his children, cleans the house even after a long day at work, and drops his wife off to work and let's her nap on the weekends. Yes, i don't doubt that i shouldn't complain about that part. But the past two years he is now telling me that at least he is good to me and the kids! So i am now thinking that the s*@#*# is getting thicker and stinker and he expects me to just eat it while it's spilling over.I have tried in the past to open up to some friends and was told that i am too strict and let him enjoy life since he works so hard and takes care of his family. When he is out and gambling, i don't sleep u ntil he comes h ome. My worry is that he might mess with the wrong crowd and get killed, I also worry he might flirt with someone else. There's been times when i imagine that i have to explain to the kids that he is missing or he has gone to jail.

.

 

Also have a non-confrontational heart to heart, that things are unraveling between you. Maybe suggest MC.

Yes i appreciate the suggestion for MC. (getting used to the abbreviations) As far as the non confrontational heart to heart, we've been attempting it each time this happens. Only lately he hasn't been genuine about actions, just seems so robotic where he says "sorry" and then the next day he goes out and does it again. Gambling is just like a drug and he seems deeper into it than ever. He is at the point where he's agitated, and has at times gone into a period of having no affect.

 

I'm the type who suggests to try to work things out long before taking more drastic measures - it does not seem yet that things are not beyond repair. I know I can just let things be and take a stab at working things out but this feels like we are the worst part ever. He even asked to have another child earlier this year to butter me up. But now that i think of it we probably shouldn't bring another child if things are so tense.

What happened that it's come to this point? i found another set of tickets he paid for $300 for no safety check and seat belt both within a two month interval. This is after i asked himt to take the car for safety check, i felt stupid because i kept asking him why the safety sticker was expired he said oh i need to put on the sticker. He said sorry,robotically. within 2 days he went to gamble and came home at 4 am. As i feel like i myself am losing control and perspective, as i laid in bed with my racing thoughts of what he might be up to . i texted him over and ove,r (yes one of my flaws ) the bad word , over 40 times. He came back home and told me stop f*##* texting him, stormed and out and returned at 4 am. He constantly reminds me that he is a great father and husband and that i should be thankful for that!

This time, I promise i have had it, i have no steam left and is why i am taking this measure. I think we had a lot of chances to fix things. I cant keep eating S##(#(( for the rest of my life. I am not looking for a way out to find another relationship. I will probably continue to work on my life goals, taking care of my kids, maybe go to back to school and take on other hobbies.

I love him dearly, when we are out with the kids, that's when times are best. that's the husband i know. I don't know where i can fit his habit into the equation. HE is perfect minus that habit.

I appreciate your time in reviewing this. Please, feel free to provide insight, or words of wisdom or pointers to use in a non confrontational heart to heart. I can always try to talk with him again. If i am not mistaken he is at the point where nothing matters to him but gambling, and then taking care of his kids.

Please don't get me wrong, it's not like i am running to get divorce or separation papers. We have a lot to work out: the kids, the house, a car note, and of course adjustment. Besides this problem, we both have been successfully able to manage helping eachother out with balancing the kids , work, taking care of elderly parents on both sides. This is probably why i might have stayed, i appreciated the teamwork we always had.

Thank you to Single Dad and TRUST in Me for your replies. To TRUST IN ME, i found peace with one of your post. it included the poem about acceptance. I think this is where i am. I have the poem in my bag to help me cope witht he situation.

 

if you both, or any other readers out there feel otherwise and have other perspective on getting through this, please feel free. I have turned to my best friend and confided as she has been there at my house when he didn't get home till after midnight. She just isn't aware that it's this bad now, I am going to talk with her hopefully this week. I think she was having problems with her husband too that's why i didn't want to burden her. If i opened up to my mom she would have a major coniption (something i have to work on) as she is a devout old school catholic who is not open minded to separation or divorce, i would be considered a devil child even at this age.

 

Thank you Again, and looking forward to replies and suggestions, who knows maybe we won't have to end it.

 

Sayasunday

__________________

[SingleDad]

You may need to get him to gamblers anonymous... insist he has to go as your marriage is in the brink....

 

Drive him to the meetings and pick him up afterwards - have him show you the literature from the meetings, have his counselor sign off he was there - get the counselor's name and phone number and confirm that he attended each time.

 

Also both go to MC.

 

If he doesn't go or gambles - then kick him out for a period of time...

 

... It's either gambling or you and the kids - he can't have both. He has to learn there are serious consequences that you will follow through on if he gambles.... you can't live like this anymore.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm sorry for your anguish and pain.

 

At some point you should come to terms with what you need in order to be happy. Is he capable of changing on his own? Does he even really recognize that his gambling could cost him his marriage and his family?

 

As much as you'd like to believe he is aware of the problem and it's effect, he will never truly realize until you are gone and are not coming back. Even then, he could spiral for years into an uncontrollable gambling addiction.

 

You have no power over others. You have all the power in the world over your life and your happiness. It's time to exercise that power, to effect change in your life.

 

Best wishes.

[sayasunday]

Hi thank you TRUST IN ME and Single Dad for your input, both combined is appreciated.

 

Especially appreciate the honesty that what I am going through, is what it is.

 

I broke down to my best friend tonight. She might have felt the tension in my voice. so posting to this forum and talking with her just gives me the breath of fresh air that i so needed.

 

 

Anyways, i will be doing heart to heart tonight. Even if tired, shouldn't put it off.

 

1st will suggest the Gamblers anonymous meeting. There is a high likelihood that he will look at me like i am from outerspace. I am ready for that, but if he does not agree then at least i will have peace knowing that i offered in some way to help and salvage what's left of our relationship.

 

 

Wish me luck. I will update this post, and appreciate anyone's response and input!

 

[sayasunday]

ok i tried, the heart to heart. and i reminded myself to be strong. He said he does not need help nor MC. so i said to him well i just wanted to offer that so that i show i want to try to salvage the marriage. he was , non chalant about it.

 

i fell asleep hurt but kept saying to be strong. He attempted to wake me up in the midle of the night , which i reminded him it's over. this is part of me working on being strong, if i give in. i am repeating the cycle.

[sayasunday]

wasnt expecting a rollercoaster of emotions. I am being strong. I have power to do this.

 

He seems to be getting worse, it's sad. but i cannot feel bad for him, gotta take care of me and kids. I wish i could think of a positive thing to say about him.