Stunned_To_Disbelief Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 What would possess a woman with 5 kids, a home & a 16 year relationship and 11 year Marriage to cheat on her husband? Was there anything your husband/SO could have done differently to keep you from cheating? I am trying to make sense of what happened to my Marriage & Relationship with my wife. I never abused her, I listened to her, surprised her with flowers, gifts and tried to do everything I thought to keep her eyes on us, only to be devastated by her actions.
Karma101 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 There is a good book called "His Needs, Her Needs" that talks about basic emotional needs and those most important to women and men and that when these emotional needs are no longer being met, the marriage is in trouble, etc. and can lead to infidelity. On a side note, there is NO reasonable excuse for cheating on your spouse. It is the ultimate form of self-gratification and disrespect. Whatever happened to communication?!? Ugh. Sorry you are going through this.
cybersister Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 there are lots of theories- character flaw ( i do not buy that ), feeling undervalued. You sound like a caing sensitive guy who tried to do all he could five children is a lot, my guess would be that she felt she had lost a sense of who she was. I struggled for a time when my children were small with my identity- I seemed not to exist as a person any more. I did not cheat at this time, but sought help elsewhere ( more to life programme,a weekend course ) and this support helped me, though I can imagine that if anyone had paid me attention at that vulnerable time it might have been a different story. Only she can tell you.
marlena Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I did not cheat at this time, but sought help elsewhere ( more to life programme,a weekend course ) and this support helped me, though I can imagine that if anyone had paid me attention at that vulnerable time it might have been a different story. Interesting point. It's refreshing to see someone admit that had the "right" person come along at a vulnerable point in his/her life, he/she might have succumbed to an affair. Serial perpetrators aside, I can see how pure chance may decide this sort of thing.
OpenBook Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 It's very possible that she took you for granted. That's easy to do, for anyone in a long-term partnership. You become so familiar with each other. And with 5 children... whew! I don't know how either of you can keep from "losing" yourselves in the Mom & Dad role. I imagine it's a monumental balancing act. I hope and pray you both find a way back to cherishing each other again.
marlena Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 If the affair is over and you both love eachother enough to want to start over, try to put it all behind you and concentrate on eachother. These things happen. As to the why, sometimes there isn't a why. Or sometimes one doesn't even know the reasons. You would have to ask her. Once she tells you, try not to dwell on what has happened. Rather, see what you can do to respark the marriage. Start anew as if the both of you just met.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 If someone finds someone outside of the marriage that they are attracted to and want to be with, and there is ample opportunity and a low chance at getting caught - there is pretty much nothing a BS could have done to prevent it from happening. Why would she do it? In the affair she is not 'wife' In the affair she is not 'mommy' to five kids In the affair there are no bills or mortgage payments to worry about In the affair there is only the 'new' and the 'exciting' In the affair she feels like the woman she was before she became 'wife' and 'mother' In the affair there is no morning breath, farts, or anything else that becomes physically routine In the affair there is no housework, laundry, chores In the affair there are no soccer practices to get to, lunches to fix, etc. See where I'm going? Affairs are like marital Disneyworld. Its awful to put it that way, and I'm not implying that affairs are 'fun' - merely that for some it is a temporary escape.
Green Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Oh and its sad but I think a woman who has been married for a few years is easier to get then a freshly married one
Sup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Affairs don't Just Happen, they happen because a WS wants it to Happen. Why did she do it, perhaps it was the sex. It's been said that affair sex is more mind blowing than marital sex, at least that's what's been said. No excuse for it, mind you. It basically sounds like she just wanted a little strange, and have you pay for it! How sick! Um, why are you staying with her?
Red_Apple Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 They will give you excuses, justifications, but they aren't reasons. I agree with this. To some extent, there is no reason for cheating. We like to believe there is one, so that things make sense, but in reality, your wife could have cheated just because she was attracted to someone else. (Does that count as a reason? lol, I don't know...)
mental_traveller Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 If someone finds someone outside of the marriage that they are attracted to and want to be with, and there is ample opportunity and a low chance at getting caught - there is pretty much nothing a BS could have done to prevent it from happening. Maybe there is.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Maybe there is. I dunno, mt - once an OP comes on the scene it is hard to stop that ball from rolling. If a person gets it in their head that they are going to cheat, pretty much nothing will stop them if they think they are going to get away with it.
Lizzie60 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 What would possess a woman with 5 kids, a home & a 16 year relationship and 11 year Marriage to cheat on her husband? Was there anything your husband/SO could have done differently to keep you from cheating? I am trying to make sense of what happened to my Marriage & Relationship with my wife. I never abused her, I listened to her, surprised her with flowers, gifts and tried to do everything I thought to keep her eyes on us, only to be devastated by her actions. How about 'falling out of love with her husband'... maybe you don't excite her anymore, she could be bored sexually or emotionally or even intellectually.
MichelleS1983 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Not to sound dispassionate, but after having 5 kids, I would imagine she feels like nothing more than a brood mare. I know I would (well, I'd never have 5 kids). But you tend to lose the fact that you're an adult woman when you spend years and years being nothing more than an incubator and a "mother." There's more to life than that. As the others said, when you have that many kids, you tend to forget that you're also an adult with an adult's needs and desires. This guy probably just reminded her of that. It doesn't sound like love but it sounds as though she had a 'female' reawakening. I'm sorry for the hand you were dealt.
confusedinkansas Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Without trying to sound condescending towards men........But, Isn't it pretty typical for most husbands to not realize there is trouble in a marriage until AFTER something like this has happened? I know of several marriages that have dissolved because of one issue or another - & in those instances - the man was blindsided. He had no idea what he was doing to contribute to the downfall of a marriage. He thought everything was JUST FINE! I don't agree with the statement that people who have affairs have a "character flaw"....That's just ludicrous!! ~ We just all make choices in life the best we can & IF an affair at the time, sounds like it could be a band-aid to fix a bigger problem - then some choose that way to "fix" what is broken. (Yes, I have had people tell me that they were "PLANNING" an affair, so they could get back in their life what they are missing from their spouse - with NO intention on leaving the spouse EVER) Selfish, You Bet, But it still.........Is What It Is.
Woggle Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Without trying to sound condescending towards men........But, Isn't it pretty typical for most husbands to not realize there is trouble in a marriage until AFTER something like this has happened? I know of several marriages that have dissolved because of one issue or another - & in those instances - the man was blindsided. He had no idea what he was doing to contribute to the downfall of a marriage. He thought everything was JUST FINE! I don't agree with the statement that people who have affairs have a "character flaw"....That's just ludicrous!! ~ We just all make choices in life the best we can & IF an affair at the time, sounds like it could be a band-aid to fix a bigger problem - then some choose that way to "fix" what is broken. (Yes, I have had people tell me that they were "PLANNING" an affair, so they could get back in their life what they are missing from their spouse - with NO intention on leaving the spouse EVER) Selfish, You Bet, But it still.........Is What It Is. Most of the time no matter what these men did the woman would have been unhappy. Many women are just flat out unpleasable and she will find fault with anything you do. Women and men who cheat are selfish and many of these women have an entitlement complex and a complete lack of accountability. It is all his fault and she can't even fathom the idea that she is main contributor to the problem.
jmargel Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I believe part of the reason why affairs happen is because: 1) The great expectations of a spouse and marriage do not meet up for the cheating spouse 2) The cheating spouse assumes that their unhappiness is because of their marriage, since this is their logical thinking. All the arguing and disagreements usually come from their spouse, so this is a logical answer in their minds 3) Immaturity and selfishness. They get too comfortable with their spouse they take them for granted. This in turn starts to disrespect their feelings and not put them as number one priority 4) Infactuation in meeting someone new. It's like owning a new car. It's something shiny and exciting. While the old junker gets parked behind the house with a tarp covering it. You don't want to think about that piece of crap (which is how the cheating spouse treats their significant other at this time) when you have this new great toy 5) Meeting someone new, they always put their best foot forward. The cheating spouse doesn't want to acknowledge this new person has flaws. They don't know their bad habits, their problems, their true personality traits. This new person and the cheating spouse will turn any situation to make it seem like they are the good ones in this. This is due to not taking responsibility of what is truly going on Doesn't matter if it's a 'character flaw'. They are still responsible for their decisions. The cheating spouse has a responsibility to CLEARLY state what is bothering them, to communicate to their spouse. Leave the marriage because of incompatibility not because of another person. Grass is greener on the other side until you step in that first pile of dog crap. Once the cheating spouse faces the consequences for their actions only then will they become honest with their spouse and themselves.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 What would possess a woman with 5 kids, a home & a 16 year relationship and 11 year Marriage to cheat on her husband? Was there anything your husband/SO could have done differently to keep you from cheating? I am trying to make sense of what happened to my Marriage & Relationship with my wife. I never abused her, I listened to her, surprised her with flowers, gifts and tried to do everything I thought to keep her eyes on us, only to be devastated by her actions. Stunned, some people are just downright selfish and can't handle having sex with the same person for the rest of their life. Not saying there aren't some stupid little excuses these cheaters try to use, but sometimes its just that simple.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 You can't make someone cheat. It is a character flaw. They will give you excuses, justifications, but they aren't reasons. very true and well said. Especially the character flaw part.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 How about 'falling out of love with her husband'... maybe you don't excite her anymore, she could be bored sexually or emotionally or even intellectually. Nice stab.
MiVatoPorVida Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Hi Stunned.... I am a CW... and I am sorry for what has happened to you and also to my H. I have been with my H for 15 years, since HS, and I have been married to him for 11 years. We have a 9 yr old daughter, we have a House, he has a 2005 Truck, I have a 2007 Car, we have a huge swimming pool, he has his rec room, a dog, anything I ever wanted he has given me. Although I would always mention to him that material things didn't matter when it came down to happiness. We would go out, have alot of home get togethers with family and friends, where he went i went cuz he wanted me at his side. Everybody always looks at us as the picture perfect family. But honestly stunned... we were not. ALthough my H has given me everything my heart desired.... he wasn't there for me emotionally. He loved me... but the way he was with me behind closed doors, I figured he didn't love me. I wrote a post out there "my affair made my marriage great", and even though i got so many negative responses for it... I knew i deserved it so i took them all. I love my H, dearly... but he was very controlling, and verbally abusive, he didn't communicate with me, he was compassionate with me, he never told me I was beautiful.... and although I mentioned these concerns to him many times, he ignore them. He only wanted to be nice when he felt like it. But not when I needed him, it was basically only at his urge. After years of dealing with it.... I just felt lonely, crying everyday for my H attention. I was even at the point of asking for a divorce. I met another Man that caught me at my most vulnerabnle time and took advantage of my situation. And as weak as I was, I gave in to easily. I am not at all happy or proud of what I did... actually I am very disgusted. My H found out about the affiar. I did not lie to him... I did tell him the truth. .. and yes I got deserved hell for it. It has been about 8 months since the affair. My H decided to forgive me and I swore to him it was a mistake and i will never ever do it again. But in the process, we have talked about the situation... and I realized that my H does love me so much and that I love him and I don't want to lose him. We learned how to communicate with each other, and we tell each other how much we love each other and how attracted we are to each other...etc. I don't know what the future holds for us but all I can do is take it one day ata time... and so far our marriage is better than it ever was. So POS.... first decide if you can forgive your wife ( and I know u will never forget), but if u can forgive her for what she did and if for her it honestly will never happen again.... then talk to her, find out from her why she did what she did... because although it may not show on t he inside... there has to have been a reason why she did it. ANd if the problem can be fixed, then by all means do whatever both of u need to do to fix it. But if it is something that she continues to do... then the problem no longer is with you... that is a problem that she has and she needs to fix before the mariage can be right if at that point u want to go on. hope this helps.
Lizzie60 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Nice stab. Why don't you come up with an idea of your own..instead of making your snide comments.. geezzzz... at least some of us are 'original'
fingersniffer Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 ... what she did and if for her it honestly will never happen again.... then talk to her, find out from her why she did what she did... because although it may not show on t he inside... there has to have been a reason why she did it. ANd if the problem can be fixed, then by all means do whatever both of u need to do to fix it. But if it is something that she continues to do... then the problem no longer is with you... that is a problem that she has and she needs to fix before the mariage can be right if at that point u want to go on. Problem is, CW that it HAS happened. thats the problem. And often its too damn late. Trust has been broken. Marriage is worthless.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Why don't you come up with an idea of your own..instead of making your snide comments.. geezzzz... at least some of us are 'original' Nice deflection of the truth.
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