Is someone who wants to be supported a gold digger?

[djhall]

In a world in which men and women are supposedly equal, and therefore share equal opportunity and equal responsibility for things like being the primary money earner in a relationship, where does a reasonable expectation that your partner will be an equal contributor to your relationship transition into an unreasionable expectation that your partner will be your personal ATM machine or meal ticket? Is it reasonable for anyone, male or female, to expect their partner to make enough money to support them and refuse to date anyone who cannot? Is it reasonable for an investment banker who makes $250,000 a year to refuse to date a school teacher who makes $30,000 a year? How about someone who makes $30,000 a year who refuses to date someone who doesn't make at least $60,000 a year because they wouldn't be able to support them the way they want to be supported? Is someone who engages in these behaviors a "long-term gold digger" because they want to have money in the relationship but don't want to be the one who earns it?

[almost famous]

Most women who want to marry someone who will support them want to stay home with the kids and be a stay at home wife/mom. Taking care of a household is not easy work, and neither is being a stay at home mom. Most men who make enough to be able to support their wife staying at home usually want their wife staying at home. It is something which is agreed upon before the marriage. Then there are some rich men who want to completely support their wives and even have help at home. It's all in what you want.

If what you want is to be a stay at home wife or a man who is the soul breadwinner, then that is what you want, and no golddigging about it really.

[djhall]

Almost Famous - Would you feel any differently if it was a man who wanted to be a stay at home dad and was looking for a woman who makes enough money to support him comfortably so he wouldn't have to work?

[spookie]

Almost Famous - Would you feel any differently if it was a man who wanted to be a stay at home dad and was looking for a woman who makes enough money to support him comfortably so he wouldn't have to work?

 

I don't care if it's anti-feminist of me to think so, but I could never have any respect for this man.

[cybersister]

I think someone is a gold digger if they were to chose a partner based solely on income- ie would drop you if they found someone earning more. However to be clear early on what you are looking for long term and have decent earning capacity as part of the overall package seems ok if you want to be as sure as anyone can in these uncertain times of being able to raise a family.

[spookie]

My mom stayed at home with the kids my whole life, so I know what hard, thankless work that is. I'd never not want to work, but I still have some expectation that whoever I end up with will be *capable* of providing for the whole family.

[cutegirl]

I would rather die then be a housewife and take care of the household/kids. I don't want kids at all. I support myself. I dont expect one penny from a man. I used to support my ex bf, I guess he was sort of a gold digger...

 

I would never want to be supported myself. I make more than enough to support 2 of me if I wanted to, I don't need anyone's help, although another person might need MY help.

 

I would never support anyone in the future tho (I learned my lesson), and I would rather die on the streets then take a penny from anyone. I am very non traditional

[Green]

The only ATM trips I'm taking for a women are from her ass to mouth

[morelaugh]

Almost Famous - Would you feel any differently if it was a man who wanted to be a stay at home dad and was looking for a woman who makes enough money to support him comfortably so he wouldn't have to work?

 

Only if he is able to get pregnant and give birth to their kids (breastfeeding included)

 

I’m not stay at home mom, but seriously, how would you expect a woman to give birth to say 3 kids and still support the family?

[morelaugh]

The only ATM trips I'm taking for a women are from her ass to mouth

 

Yuck

 

Too much porn man, to much porn

[Trialbyfire]

dj, I sincerely have no problems with a man requiring me to make enough that it's no drain to his lifestyle. I expect the same from any man I date.

 

Having said that, if people want a traditional style relationship which ends up with the wife staying home with the kids, she has every right to expect that he can support the family on his one salary. He also has the right to expect that she takes care of the family and all things domestic.

 

For myself, I would never get into a traditional style marriage, although being a SAHM is a consideration. There's no way I would ever put all my eggs in one basket, being solely financially reliant on anyone. Makes me shudder thinking about it.

[Nemo]

I make more than enough to support 2 of me if I wanted to,

Presumably, you would share everything? That's hot.

 

Anyway, a big wallet is almost as important as a big dick. If you have the package deal, your life will be a fairytale. One out of two, a decent existence. Two strikes and you may as well become a monk.

[Mako482]

I think choosing someone based on their income is shallow, but that's just me. This means you could have someone who could be your "soul mate", but you chose someone less compatible because they make more money? How long will that last? How happy will you be? Now I am not saying you should get with someone who dropped out of school and is unemployed and living in their parent's basement, it just amazes me there are women out there who insist on a certain income. My career and income is not who I am and it does not define me. I make about $70k a year, which is not rich by any means but I live well enough for me......a woman does not know how much I make until I know it is not important to her. They know I own my own home and am self-employed, that is enough to get to know me.

[Bells]

In a world in which men and women are supposedly equal, and therefore share equal opportunity and equal responsibility for things like being the primary money earner in a relationship, where does a reasonable expectation that your partner will be an equal contributor to your relationship transition into an unreasionable expectation that your partner will be your personal ATM machine or meal ticket? Is it reasonable for anyone, male or female, to expect their partner to make enough money to support them and refuse to date anyone who cannot? Is it reasonable for an investment banker who makes $250,000 a year to refuse to date a school teacher who makes $30,000 a year? How about someone who makes $30,000 a year who refuses to date someone who doesn't make at least $60,000 a year because they wouldn't be able to support them the way they want to be supported? Is someone who engages in these behaviors a "long-term gold digger" because they want to have money in the relationship but don't want to be the one who earns it?

 

Actually, I head this 18 year old store clerk saying she wants to get married, but wants her "occupation" as a housewife....she admitted to not wanting to have to work for a living to pay the bills. Pretty sad.

 

While they might not necessarily seem like "golddiggers" they want to be able to not work at all and just BE supported.

[OpenBook]

In a world in which men and women are supposedly equal, and therefore share equal opportunity and equal responsibility for things like being the primary money earner in a relationship, where does a reasonable expectation that your partner will be an equal contributor to your relationship transition into an unreasionable expectation that your partner will be your personal ATM machine or meal ticket? Is it reasonable for anyone, male or female, to expect their partner to make enough money to support them and refuse to date anyone who cannot? Is it reasonable for an investment banker who makes $250,000 a year to refuse to date a school teacher who makes $30,000 a year? How about someone who makes $30,000 a year who refuses to date someone who doesn't make at least $60,000 a year because they wouldn't be able to support them the way they want to be supported? Is someone who engages in these behaviors a "long-term gold digger" because they want to have money in the relationship but don't want to be the one who earns it?

 

Hang on a second, let me go ask Sarah and Todd Palin...

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is a great difference between golddiggers and women/men who want their spouse to be the primary (or only) breadwinner. Golddiggers are after luxury. The other are willing and able to support the household from within and keep it running smoothly.

[almost famous]

Almost Famous - Would you feel any differently if it was a man who wanted to be a stay at home dad and was looking for a woman who makes enough money to support him comfortably so he wouldn't have to work?

 

Not really. If that is what he wants, he could be looking for a woman who would be compatible with that. There are plenty of women who make enough money and do this, and it bugs the hell out of guys like you.

[almost famous]

There is a great difference between golddiggers and women/men who want their spouse to be the primary (or only) breadwinner. Golddiggers are after luxury. The other are willing and able to support the household from within and keep it running smoothly.

 

Yes, very well put.

[almost famous]

Only if he is able to get pregnant and give birth to their kids (breastfeeding included)

 

I’m not stay at home mom, but seriously, how would you expect a woman to give birth to say 3 kids and still support the family?

 

See, therthere are these things called "sick days" that you use. If a woman had a job that she made enough to support her family, she would have sick days allotted to her, and she would have saved this thing called money and put it into a savings account for any further time she would have to take time off than that.

There are also these things called breast pumps or formulas. I know this is going to shock you but a lot of women don't breastfeed.

[mental_traveller]

I would rather die then be a housewife and take care of the household/kids. I don't want kids at all. I support myself. I dont expect one penny from a man. I used to support my ex bf, I guess he was sort of a gold digger...

 

I would never want to be supported myself. I make more than enough to support 2 of me if I wanted to, I don't need anyone's help, although another person might need MY help.

 

I would never support anyone in the future tho (I learned my lesson), and I would rather die on the streets then take a penny from anyone. I am very non traditional

 

Cool attitude, I agree. It's funny the excuses many otherwise intelligent women come up with to justify gold-digging.

 

I seem to remember you "supported" your ex-bfs financially, to make them less likely to cheat on you. Has your thinking changed in that regard at all?

[djhall]

Not really. If that is what he wants, he could be looking for a woman who would be compatible with that. There are plenty of women who make enough money and do this, and it bugs the hell out of guys like you.

Why do you say it bugs the hell out of guys like me? If anything, I am all for it. What I question is the extent to which people are really commited to breaking down gender barriers and having the same expectations of men and women. Do people really expect women to make as much money in a relationship as men? Do people really expect as many women as men to be the sole income earners? Do people really expect women to ask men out as much as they expect men to ask women? I asked the question because I thought it would draw out some heated opinions on both sides as to whether it was still acceptable to expect to be a stay at home wife supported by a working husband, and whether people would be equally accepting of the same expectations if held by a man.

[CandyGirlXO]

Yes. Relationship or marriage both people should contribute. If you two have a baby and the wife stays home to care for the baby, that is different. But she is still contributing even though it's not financially.

 

I am independent I don't need or expect a guy to support me, but I won't lie it sounds lovely, but in reality I dont think I would feel right about it. I would always want to work and make my own money except for of course if I had a baby.

[Star Gazer]

I don't see a SAHM as being supported BY her husband. They each support the family.

 

The person who works at home to raise the children and maintain the household supports the family just as much as the person who works outside the home to earn money for the family. Different tasks, but equal importance.

[djhall]

Hang on a second, let me go ask Sarah and Todd Palin...

I'm not sure what point you were trying to make, perhaps because I know absolutely nothing about Todd. Sarah Palin has done quite well for herself, and they both have good reason to be proud of her far beyond her monetary compensation. As for Todd, I must confess that I am as ignorant of his situation as I am about the spouses of the other three candidates.

[D-Jam]

I don't see a woman who wants to marry, be a wife, be taken care of, have kids, etc....as a golddigger.

 

However, I do think that in today's world and the economy...women should not make this their grand plan in life. When I watch the Showtime series "Weeds", I see Nancy Botwin and Celia Hodes as women who married into a life, not built their lives.

 

They wanted to be taken care of, so they married men who ended up making great money, but in Nancy's case, when her husband died, she was SOL because she had no job skills. I don't think women all over can become pot dealers like Nancy did, but it shows that you can't just graduate high school and hope someone will marry and take care of you. You might wake up either widowed, divorced, have kids, or even never married and now have to figure out "what am I going to do now?"

 

I tell women who want to marry and be "Mrs Someone" to go to college, get some kind of basic trade skills in case things don't happen. That same logic I preach of "Plan your life as if you never find anyone". Just so you have a backup plan.

 

I also tell women who want to marry to stop thinking "I'm too young, I want to be single for a while and live it up." Marrying men don't want a burned out party girl who's been passed around the frat house and now wants some nice guy to help her avoid responsibility. They want the good wife who's there with them and loves them. You can't spend your 20s "living it up" and then hope someone will be there waiting around age 27-29. Seen too many instances where that didn't happen. Not saying you should marry out of high school, but maybe in college...seek out the husband possibility as opposed to the "fun for now" guys.