I need suggestions...

[downwardspiralfallin]

I have been dating this girl for about 4 months now. We're both in the early 30's, professionals. I have a question:

 

By accident I found my girlfriend's email account open. I happened to catch the list of emails that went back all the way to the beginning even before we met. I knew that she had several boyfriends, but I discovered that she had even more than I imagined. She had been contacting random strangers off craigslist for random sex even while she was dating her ex-boyfriend(s). She was on Match site searching for sex from both men and women and emailing pictures. I wanted to stop reading because I felt so sick and horrified but my curiosity kept me reading those emails exchanged between her and number of sexual partners.

 

I never did tell her that I had read her emails. I don't know if she is still in touch with any of them (it was in another state). Once we went out to meet her colleague and her partner. I couldn't help but to think that they probably knew about her past but I just played along. On the way back, I asked my girlfriend what her friends would have thought of me. She said she didn't care what they thought. I nearly choked when I said, "oh, now they will finally think you're a one man woman?" (Silly me!) She simply said, "Hey, that's not nice. Take it back!" So I did.

 

Now I know why after the first time we made out (no sex), she blatantly told me that I didn't have the same touch as her ex-boyfriend. She also told me that she had a purely sexual relationship with her ex, and that they did great. Not only that, she told me that there are many different penis sizes - not only length, but girth - as well. I was so shocked (at her knowledge) I didn't know what to say. But I was so turned off and pissed off. I also felt like someone had punched me deep inside my guts and I just wanted to walk out of that room. So far she has apologized to me for being so nasty, but I can never forget what she said to me. Perhaps this was the reason why I got so suspicious in the first instance and finding an email account open so tempting to read. Thankfully Gmail kept every single piece of slutty email exchanges that she had saved in virtual space. I think I read most of it. She still doesn't know that I know...

 

She seems to be a changed person. I HOPE and PRAY that she is a different person now. She just said that she was never good at relationships. She had been at school for most of her life (professional school, graduate school etc.) that she just didn't have any way of dating. I wondered why? She is the most beautiful and sexy woman that I've ever known in my life. Have I gone blinded by love and I can't see that this woman is not right for me?

 

She gave me her match.com ID and I checked her out online. But I couldn't bear to see her still(!) on-line, so I asked her to take it down. She got a little frustrated saying that she hadn't been back on it and it was off... but finally I told her that I felt bothered by it. So she did it.

 

I love her to pieces. But I don't want to be a fool. I have only been with two women in my life (this one would make my third) and I am not jealous of her ex's or her "sex scorecard". I just wished my girlfriend would come clean and tell me of her past, not the details, but what she used to be and now that she's a changed person... but she never answers me about her previous relationships. I asked her "so how did your relationship end?" She said "very ugly, both sides very upset"... I wonder if her ex-boyfriends also found out about her past and left her in disgust? Is this why, I suppose, she is avoiding telling me the truth? We had talked about marriage and kids, but I just can't give my heart and soul to a woman who will lie to me... let alone to be the mother of my child!

 

I am not judging what she used to DO... I am only upset and confused as to why she would not tell me. I've already told her about my past. I am confident that I have nothing to hide. She's the one who is usually quiet and reserved. It kills me to hear the silence and knowing what I KNOW.

 

Part of me has already left her. I stopped saying "I love you" since she mentioned that me that I was too emotional and too much for her. I stopped calling her or texting unless she contacted me first. I think , somedays, that she wants to control this relationship and what is being said between us... I tried to please her as much and reveal my ideas and thoughts but it seems to only bore her.

 

We're both young professionals and financially very independant. I can't understand why I am so hung up on this one girl, when I could go out and get any girl I want. She really hurts me by hiding.

 

How would I react if she did tell me the truth?

 

I would accept her as she is. I love her. I would thank her for telling me the truth and that I am glad that she chose me out of all the guys (and girls). I think that's what I want. Nothing else.

 

It's so agonizing thinking about this that even alcohol doesn't help to get me to sleep at nights!!!

 

Time to move on that is better for me?

 

I pray and I try to take it like a man...