Think I may have shot myself in the foot.

[ianandris]

So, I've been kinda seeing this girl the past few weeks. She came over to my apartment to visit my roommate, told him to give me her contact information since we didn't really have an opportunity to socialize, I called her, we went out, etc. The first week, we hung out almost every single night. During the course of our time together, she decided she really really liked me and it kinda freaked her out.

 

This, given her past dating experience (she'd been hurt pretty bad by a guy who cheated on her. She even sought counseling for it), was too much too soon, so she backed WAY off, was super distant, we didn't hang out for a week and a half, didn't really talk much, etc. Confused me to death, because she would still text me on a regular basis. So, I gave her space and time, she warmed up, we talked, got it straightened out, and decided to start over a little more slowly.

 

SO, last night we hang out for the first time in a week and a half. We had a really good time. Lots of laughing, lots of flirting, cuddling, etc. So, I walk her to her car, and we have our good night kiss/session of kissing. So, I'm feeling pretty confident, stoked that things went as well as they did after the space we had, so naturally, I didn't want her to leave. We're embracing kissing and chatting, etc, and I'm playfully holding onto her, refusing to "let" her leave. She responded playfully, all was well, and so I decided to ask her for one more kiss before she left. Well, apparently, I got a little aggressive in my playfulness (pursued the kiss too persistently (which, incidentally, I didn't get, and I didn't expect to get.) and it began to rub her the wrong way. We're still getting to know each other, so her indignation appeared, to me, very much like the coy/flirty teasing I was getting from her earlier. I figured it out after a little bit, but didn't think too much of it. I went up to my apartment satisfied and thrilled.

 

So, this afternoon I texted her. "Hey babe! What are you up to?"

 

I'd called her babe on tons upon tons of occasions, never had a problem with it. She responds,

 

"Number one, I'm not your babe. And number two I'm getting ready to go to the state fair with Ben."

 

Ben is an old friend she's not interested in romantically (or so she says), but she's been hanging out with about every other day for the past week.

 

I reply:

 

"Ouch! That was a caustic reply. Still pissed from last night? Sorry about that, btw. Has my calling you babe been bugging you for a while?"

 

She says

 

"No, just you like that whole thing last night was so uncalled for."

 

So, I go into damage control.

 

"Wow. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to piss you off. I realized that I took it a bit too far, crossing the line into being even a bit disrespectful, when I was thinking about it later on, but I didn't realize it got under your skin that badly.I was just trying to be playful is all. Won't happen again, I promise. You say, "I gotta go" and that's it. I really am sorry. Forgive me?"

 

Then, a couple minutes later, I fire off,

 

"Honestly, Jane, I'm really sorry."

 

Then, recognizing that I really need to talk to her to sort things out, I send one last text:

 

"Can I call you or are you with Ben?"

 

Haven't heard anything from her since. Thoughts?

[refurb]

You've already apologized. Leave the rest up to her.

 

RF

[allanDR]

Jesus christ. First, calm down, girls are ****ing nuts. it's true. just wait it out.

[ianandris]

That's what I was planning on doing, tbh. The ball is in her court now.

[reservoirdog1]

Sounds like she may be wound a bit too tight. Your apology was probably a bit over the top, but that's not a big deal. Leaving it alone now, as you're planning to do, is the best thing. When she contacts you again, be sure to act breezy, cheerful and confident, like you haven't been thinking or obsessing about things.

[JoeNewbie]

Ok you have to calm down and leave it alone for a bit.

 

Next time, try to apologize in person or by phone. Much more efficient.

 

It sounds like her interest level is declining and you have to leave her some room. Let her come back to you (if she does).

[ianandris]

Well, her interest level was increasing until that last 5-10 minute episode at the end of the date. Now I have no idea where it is. I wanted to talk to her about the situation, as per the last text I sent, but the opportunity never materialized, and I didn't want to call her if she was heading out with someone, you know? I'm not going to make any moves. I'm going to sit on my hands for the next couple of days. If she doesn't text or call by Monday night, though, I'm probably going to call her and see what's up.

[mortensorchid]

Yes, ball's in her court now. If she never contacts you again, don't worry about it. NEXT.

[ianandris]

Yes, ball's in her court now. If she never contacts you again, don't worry about it. NEXT.

This is one the most oddly comforting comments I think I've ever gotten.

[blondiepants]

I think that only guys have responded, so I'll say what I think...

 

From the sound of it, you weirded her out. I am going to make a broad generalization right now: The whole "I'm not letting you go" game isn't fun for women at ALL. I have had guys do it to me, and I have never thought it was fun - mostly i just felt mildly threatened. If she didn't freak out right then and there, it was probably because she felt a little scared/uncomfortable. Your big clue was that she refused to kiss you again.

 

She won't call, and it's not bc she is crazy. Sometimes big guys don't realize that what you might think is "fun and playful", translates to our smaller frames as "scary and intimidating." You're much bigger than us in general, and it doesn't feel good to have a guy use his strength to restrain you, even if you are "playing."

 

I think you scared her, and I doubt that she will call. We don't like that game. Move on, and don't make the same mistake again.

[ianandris]

Well, she just refused to kiss me on the lips. She gave me plenty of other kisses (neck, head, cheek, etc), which was the main reason why I persisted in "playing" the way I did.

 

Even so, you bring up a few good points. I'm hoping, however, that you're wrong in your assessment that she won't call. If she doesn't, oh well. I thought it was over a week and a half ago anyhow. Last night was a little bit of a pleasant surprise, tbh.

 

Can't say I'm not a little irked that the whole evening had a pall cast over it by the last ten minutes. I mean, we had a damn good time the whole night. I was VERY optimistic about the possibilities.

[blondiepants]

Oh, really? She kissed you elsewhere after the "playing" thing? That makes it different, I guess. Then I don't know what her deal is.

 

Maybe she is just a crazy.

[Star Gazer]

No, I think BP is still right.

 

In fact, the fact that she REFUSED to kiss you, and YOU refused to let her go, likely freaked her out.

 

In the future, I'd suggest you NOT call a girl pet names until you're in a relationship. It's presumptuous and a little ... pervy, IMO. Just because she didn't tell you the first time you called her "babe" that it bugged her doesn't mean it's okay.

[ianandris]

Pervy? I'm sorry, but I just don't see that. Presumptuous, maybe, but certainly not pervy. Maybe if I was some greaseball/knuckledragging jock/salseman type misogyinist, but I'm not. And, TBH, I would only use the term in text conversations. It doesn't really sound right rolling off the tongue. Still, I honestly don't think it bothered her until last night. It had been probably, oh, I don't know, at least five or six separate occasions I called her babe and she never mentioned it. It wasn't until the episode that she flipped the switch.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's good advice, and I usually do hold off on the pet names until I'm into a relationship (every situation is different), but I don't agree with the characterization at all.

[spookie]

I think that only guys have responded, so I'll say what I think...

 

From the sound of it, you weirded her out. I am going to make a broad generalization right now: The whole "I'm not letting you go" game isn't fun for women at ALL. I have had guys do it to me, and I have never thought it was fun - mostly i just felt mildly threatened. If she didn't freak out right then and there, it was probably because she felt a little scared/uncomfortable. Your big clue was that she refused to kiss you again.

 

She won't call, and it's not bc she is crazy. Sometimes big guys don't realize that what you might think is "fun and playful", translates to our smaller frames as "scary and intimidating." You're much bigger than us in general, and it doesn't feel good to have a guy use his strength to restrain you, even if you are "playing."

 

I think you scared her, and I doubt that she will call. We don't like that game. Move on, and don't make the same mistake again.

 

Not only all that, but it's clingy as well, which is a huge turnoff.

 

I hate that game.

[sunshinegirl]

ianandris, I agree with what some of the other women have said. You may well have scared her.

 

I would also guess that she's not fully recovered from her last relationship, and it may be that it took only one uncomfortable situation with you for her to decide she doesn't want to proceed. She sounds like she was gunshy to begin with, and maybe this is all the "excuse"/reason she needed to back off.

 

Also, who knows but that men in her past may have been physically intimidating and your actions the other night might have been a trigger of some kind for events you know nothing about.

[blondiepants]

Sunshine girl, that's a point that I was going to make too. You never know what someone has gone through before you came along, whether it is abuse, rape, a threatening parent, etc... Statistics say that a lot of women (I think it is 20%???) have dealt with some form of sexual abuse in their life - that is a lot.

 

Your game might have triggered some panic reaction in her from something in her past. Who knows?

 

And I also want to agree RE the pet name. I have had guys call me pet names too early in the dating process... It is just plain weird. I actually ended a relationship in undergrad because the guy called me "love-muffin" after two weeks of dating. It just weirded me out.

[Lishy]

If a guy did that to me he wouldnt hear from me again!

 

It is a bit intrusive and persistant and it has made you sound like the greaseball you pretend not to be!

 

Not good! Make sure never to play that game again eh?

[Jilly Bean]

It sounds like you crossed her boundaries by being overly persistent (and in a physically intimidating way).

 

Just learn from this one, and though I know your intentions were innocent and playful, consider that the other person in the equation may be coming at it from a different perspective.

[ianandris]

It is a bit intrusive and persistant and it has made you sound like the greaseball you pretend not to be!

 

Ouch. The greaseball I pretend not to be, huh? For the record: I didn't date at all in high school, took a few years off in between to serve a mission for my church and join the military, so I've only had one serious girlfriend (almost got married), a couple less serious girlfriends and, frankly, I'm still learning the whole dating game. I still have a hard time letting a girl know I'm interested without coming on a little too strong (consequence of my very direct personality), or a little too weak (overcompensation). Still struggling to find that middle ground. Please don't label me like that, I really am a good guy.

 

I know I made a mistake. I realized that. No question about it. That was acknowledged, apologized for, etc. I learn from my mistakes. I won't be playing that "game" anytime soon. I guess I was just wanting to get a sense of how big the mistake was and, apparently, it's bigger than I thought.

[Art_Critic]

You need to drop her ..

 

It didn't go well.. so let it go...

 

You messed up.. yes.. most of all after the date.. what the heck is it with all the apology texts for nothing ?...

You also got all over her about her being caustic.. WTF is that all about.. if she was caustic you should have just let it go and never talked to her again but instead you text her and start apologizing for things that you are not sorry for..

 

No matter how you cut this one you both are not compatible...

 

Chalk it up to life and learn from this..

 

Next

[Star Gazer]

Pervy? I'm sorry, but I just don't see that. Presumptuous, maybe, but certainly not pervy. Maybe if I was some greaseball/knuckledragging jock/salseman type misogyinist, but I'm not.

 

Being presumptuous about physically intimate conduct IS pervy. And like Lishy added, has a greaseball quality to it. You don't have to be a misogynist to come across as a pervy guy.

 

And, TBH, I would only use the term in text conversations. It doesn't really sound right rolling off the tongue. Still, I honestly don't think it bothered her until last night. It had been probably, oh, I don't know, at least five or six separate occasions I called her babe and she never mentioned it. It wasn't until the episode that she flipped the switch.

 

It doesn't matter. Pet names should be reserved for once you're actually in a relationship, at the least, after she's initiated those sorts of terms. If you want to read up on my dates with a guy named Dave, what REALLY turned me off about him was behavior not alot unlike yours. Overly affectionate in a presumptuous way, and he also used pet names like Sweetie, Hun, Gorgeous, etc. It's just....weird. Don't do it, regardless of whether she complains. Just assume it's weird.

[ianandris]

Who said I wasn't sorry, AC? I WAS sorry. That's why I apologized. The disconnect was I didn't think it was as big a deal at the time when, apparently, it kinda was in her mind. I WAS sorry that my actions made her feel the way she did. Empathy. Was I sorry that I did it in the first place? Kinda. I mean, I didn't have any malicious intent and I was responding to the situation in a way, at the time, I thought was appropriate. I didn't realize I was crossing a boundary. When I did realize it, I apologized. Honest mistake on my part. Would I do it again with another girl? Absolutely not.

 

Also, I wasn't jumping down her throat for being caustic, either. Just telling it like I saw it, curious about why she was acting the way she was acting. Even so, you bring up some good points. I'm not used to just dropping people if they get a little ticked at me for some reason. I've had to work hard for relationships in the past, and I don't mind resolving concerns. I've always been of the mindset that chemistry/compatibility can be learned if you're willing to work at it. BUT, it probably is healthier just to let incompatible relationships go.

 

like you say,

 

next.

[ianandris]

Point well taken, Star Gazer. Not my place to start using pet names. Roger that. I'll take a peak at your posts about Dave, see what I can glean from his failures so I'm not coming across as a greaseball perv that weirds girls out.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not suggesting you ARE a perv. Just perhaps coming across as one...