spookie Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 It's been so long that the months fly by now and I barely notice. But I'm still here. A day does not go by when I don't think of him. There's a little throbbing ball of longing always in my throat. And sometimes, when the weather feels like Texas, hot and muggy, I miss him so much it feels like I'm drowning. I don't understand how I could have lost someone I loved so much so completely. He was my parent, my child, my first safe spot, my home. How can I get past that, forget him? How will anyone ever compare? I'm living in a different city now. College is over and I have a full-time job, my own apartment, and a boyfriend who is wonderful. But when I'm alone my mind drifts back to him. And sometimes I remember something fresh, a memory I haven't replayed, and it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. All that I've lost. How much I love him. I know it's crazy, but the only reason I don't kill myself is cause I still have a little bit of faith that I'll run into him again, when the time is right. Life is big and full of improbabilities, after all. We have a solid 60 years left to find each other again.
0hpenelope Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 spookie... I just found out today that Lawrence has a new gf. I'm numb right now and strangely calm. I hope this is not the calm before the storm. I admire you for having the strength to move on with someone new. For now, I'm just content with moving on with life. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but I really wish that I won't find myself in the position that you're in in the future. To still miss Lawrence after that much time... the thought just horrifies me. You've moved on, you've done such awesome things for yourself and you're still thinking about him... Damn... Thank you for sharing.
eiithan Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I think I am on the same boat. It's been five months since the breakup of two years relationship, and I just learned my ex boyfriend is officially in a relationship with the girl he started dating after he left me. Like you, I graduated from the college two months after the breakup, and moved into a new city with a job starting soon. My ex is still in college, and he's now head over heels in love again. While being sad, it startles me with a realisation that college people are living in their own world where the sense of infatuation overrides important values such as loyalty and trust. Now I can see we are not a good match for he avoids confrontation/responsibilties and retreats into a shell when pressed. He's only twenty, too young to grasp the important values in life, I guess. In the relationship I was his lover and mentor and mother at the same time. I calmed his insecurities and anxiety much, and helped him to make major decisions, but he left when his feelings started fading (and he never talked about it. he just called it off instead of making things work). I still miss the special friendship we once shared, but he bailed on it when I gave him a second chance to rebuild the friendship. I've been on NC for more than three weeks now, but yes, I do wonder if someday he grows up and realises what a good fortune he threw away. I was his first girlfriend and for some reason, I think one day he will. Once I did tell him to come find me when he has no one to turn to. However, while I know he has a kind heart, I can't trust him about anything since he never kept any of his words. I do care about him as a person, which has to do with my own character and principles (I absolutely refuse to become a bitter person because of an immature individual's mistreatment upon my person), but I fail to see our friendship repaired unless one day he completely changes and makes up for it...but then some people never get that important things in life, whether love or friendship or family, take lots of work. I guess all I can do is wish him a good luck, and let time take care of things.
shadowplay Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 At least you were able to be with your soulmate for three years. I would give anything to have had that experience, even if I lost him in the end.
Author spookie Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 People say every experience is a lesson, that every goodbye comes with something to learn; but I'm just scared it'll take the rest of my life to understand this one. All I've learned so far was that we really, royally screwed it up. And that it's not easy to meet someone you're not compromising anything for, because he really understands you, because you see the world the same way. I just really miss him. I've been through so much since the breakup, it's like I've lived through three different lives. But the truth's always been that I love him, solidly, unconditionally, like the first day we met, and every day that we were together. There's list I have of all the things that need to happen before we can have another chance. When I'm feeling really low, when I feel like I can't handle being apart for any longer, I just suck it up and start working on it again. I don't know if it's healthy, but it's the only approach to not letting my life fall apart that I have.
shadowplay Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 People say every experience is a lesson, that every goodbye comes with something to learn; but I'm just scared it'll take the rest of my life to understand this one. All I've learned so far was that we really, royally screwed it up. And that it's not easy to meet someone you're not compromising anything for, because he really understands you, because you see the world the same way. I just really miss him. I've been through so much since the breakup, it's like I've lived through three different lives. But the truth's always been that I love him, solidly, unconditionally, like the first day we met, and every day that we were together. There's list I have of all the things that need to happen before we can have another chance. When I'm feeling really low, when I feel like I can't handle being apart for any longer, I just suck it up and start working on it again. I don't know if it's healthy, but it's the only approach to not letting my life fall apart that I have. What's on your list and what do you think caused you guys to mess up?
Author spookie Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 What's on your list and what do you think caused you guys to mess up? We fought really hard. 90% of the time, it was initiated by me. I was insecure, needy, clingy, and I tested him. I was just so young - 18 when we started dating and barely 21 when we ended it, for good. I would never fight like that again. The issues that bothered me wouldn't even make it on the radar anymore, that's for sure, not to mention that I'm better now at looking at the long-run. Both of us had no direction in our lives and because our standards are high, we didn't respect ourselves, which made it hard to be together. My list is pretty basic but it's going to take a while for us to accomplish those things, anyway. On my part, I need a long period of stability in terms of job, housing, good habits, as well as some progress towards the things I want to do/ accomplish. I have to have a strong enough identity to be able to resist adopting all his thoughts and habits like I did the last time around. Same for him, but I think he also needs experience to miss what we had. We both need more time for all the hurts to heal. I know this is a huge leap of faith, but I think he's going to look for me at some point in the future. I can't imagine either of us finding something so right. And while I can see myself settling for something different, I don't think he'd do that.
pandagirl Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I think it's OK to still love someone. You might love him for the rest of your life, but the pain will fade. We grow and change and evolve. I bet you will find someone and fall in love again; it may not be the same experience you had with you first love, but it can/will be just as fulfilling. It sucks that people who were once the center of our universe can all the sudden disappear. It's tragic. Life is imperfect, but in that imperfection, is perfection.
Nemo Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I think it's OK to still love someone. You might love him for the rest of your life, but the pain will fade. Wise words. We grow and change and evolve. I bet you will find someone and fall in love again; it may not be the same experience you had with you first love, but it can/will be just as fulfilling.Very insightful. You're on a roll! Life is imperfect, but in that imperfection, is perfection.Oh. That sounds like complete bullsh;t.
shadowplay Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I don't know...maybe I'm just a romantic but part of me believes you guys will be together someday.
Author spookie Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I don't know...maybe I'm just a romantic but part of me believes you guys will be together someday. Thanks shadow... I hope you are right.
pandagirl Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Wise words. Very insightful. You're on a roll! Oh. That sounds like complete bullsh;t. Hahaha! Ok, what I mean to say is: life can be pretty crappy. Lots of horrible things happen. But when we can accept that life is messy and complicated and imperfect, that's when we can be happy.
orangehose Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but I really wish that I won't find myself in the position that you're in in the future. To still miss Lawrence after that much time... the thought just horrifies me. You've moved on, you've done such awesome things for yourself and you're still thinking about him... Damn... Thank you for sharing. I feel for the OP, and hope she attains what she dreams for. But, like you, OhPenelope, all these threads from people not over their ex after 1, 2, or 3+ years scare the intestinal contents out of me. I don't want it to take that long. I thought it was merely selection bias on an internet forum (i.e. those who for whatever reason are having particular trouble moving on are more likely to be posting), but I've talked to a couple of people this month who have taken 2+ years to completely lose romantic feelings for someone, EVEN when that ex didn't treat them right. It's more common than we think... My dream is to LOSE that wistful, nostalgic longing for this guy who was actually a jerk. And I'd like this to happen as soon as possible. But the heart has a different timescale than the brain - it's very scary!!
nowhereman82 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Your post made my stomach tense up....I really hope that 16 months from now I don't still feel that way. I don't think I could truly give myself to another woman if I felt like that. Wish I could hate my ex....just for whatever reason I can't.
CaliGuy Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I don't even know off hand how long it's been for me. I know I'm completely healed and I have been dating a lot. I don't compare anyone to her (nor do I think about her much anymore, if at all). The funny thing is, what I think about the most is how grateful I am that I did not marry someone who's eyes were never centered on me. Bring on the babes
Recommended Posts