physical attractiveness and breaking up

[Intergalactic]

recently, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he no longer wanted the stress of a relationship, doesn't feel he can commit right now (he is in medical school), and along with me becoming quite emotionally unstable (i was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had lapsed into a heavy depression), needy, clingy, naggy and constantly needing reassurance, he has also admitted that he just didn't find me physically attractive anymore. i know i have gained a significant amount of weight during our relationship and i don't LIKE it, but i guess it was just easier to think he'd always be sexually attracted to me no matter what, even though he had mentioned to me that it wasn't something he particularly liked. he's big on health and fitness (and is studying to be a doctor) and didn't like that i was at an unhealthy weight, aside from the weight making me unattractive to him physically.

 

we split up about 2 months ago, but since then we had been spending lots of time together, with him sleeping in my bed and lots of cuddling etc. a few nights ago i told him i needed him to tell me whether we can sort through this together, and he said that right now he simply doesn't want a relationship, and that he doesn't feel enough of the physical (and therefore sexual) attraction. we are both very emotionally attached to each other though, and when i told him i wanted to date other people, he wasn't happy (there were tears that night, and his face sort of contorted when i mentioned being with other men), and i don't really want to date other people but i don't want to wait around for him either. he says there is possibility for us but things would need to change and he doesn't want me to pin all my hopes on it.

 

we have decided NOT to cut contact - we have both said we will many times now and it just isn't working, we both give in and hang out and then have a wonderful time. our personalities are a great match, but my physical appearance is no longer what he desires. i do NOT blame him for that - it hurts, but he is entitled to be with someone he finds physically attractive. i don't even like the weight on myself, so how can i expect him to?

 

i just want to know or hear from people who have split with their significant others and then lost a significant amount of weight. i want to lose the weight, not for him, for me, because even if we don't work out, i don't want to lose another relationship due to weight. however, of course, i love the guy and he clearly cares for me and doesn't want to live without me, so if getting back together is a consequence of my weight loss i won't complain! it helps that he is obviously confused about his feelings for me, how he feels emotionally for me and how he feels about me physically, so i haven't been shoved straight into the "friend only" category.

 

and guys - have you ever split with a girlfriend due to physical appearance and then when she changed, you found her physically attractive again?

 

thanksssssssss

[me007]

Alot of people will probably tell you to find a guy who loves you as you are, because who knows what will happen in the future, as you get older and/or have kids it's natural for some women to gain some weight. Not sure how your boyfriend feels about other physical changes that come with age or if (god forbid) you had an accident or something. What if he changed and you no longer found him phycsially attractive?

 

 

I would cut out the sleeping together in the same bed thing for now...this isn't helping you and you are just staying attached to him.

Sit and talk with your boyfriend and tell him you aren't happy with your weight gain and are doing things to try and get in shape and be healthy. Tell him you would like his support and would like to sort things out with him in the meantime. If he doesn't accept, then maybe go low contact and take some time out to think if this is the type of guy you really want. Still lose the weight for yourself and be the person he regrets breaking up with.

[MichiganMan222]

This isn't exactly what you asked, but similar. It seems shallow and probably is, but I do lose attraction for someone with weight. Its not a choice, but rather just the way it is. I think what people find and don't find attractive is hard-wired. My ex was slightly heavy when we are together and she went on a weight program and lost a lot. I never once complained and she did this for herself. She went from beautiful and sexy to beautiful and very sexy. We then split up for completely unrelated reasons (her idea). Its been about 2 months and she now wants to talk about getting back together. She tried dating someone and told me it actually made her miss me even more. She said she is very much in love with me and can't picture herself with anyone else. So I saw her to talk and noticed she had gained it back. But the thing is, she was still just as attractive to me and the weight didn't matter. I too love her. So my guess is, yeah you could easily make yourself attractive to him again; especially if he's emotionally attached to you.

[Intergalactic]

Alot of people will probably tell you to find a guy who loves you as you are, because who knows what will happen in the future, as you get older and/or have kids it's natural for some women to gain some weight. Not sure how your boyfriend feels about other physical changes that come with age or if (god forbid) you had an accident or something. What if he changed and you no longer found him phycsially attractive?

 

 

I would cut out the sleeping together in the same bed thing for now...this isn't helping you and you are just staying attached to him.

Sit and talk with your boyfriend and tell him you aren't happy with your weight gain and are doing things to try and get in shape and be healthy. Tell him you would like his support and would like to sort things out with him in the meantime. If he doesn't accept, then maybe go low contact and take some time out to think if this is the type of guy you really want. Still lose the weight for yourself and be the person he regrets breaking up with.

 

i don't think he'd have a problem with weight gain or aging if (and that's a big if) we get to that stage. it's more about the fact that we're so young, he's 21 and i'm 20, and he believes i have no excuse for not being in good physical shape at this point in my life - and he's right. i spend so much time not happy with my appearance instead of doing something about it and making myself be happy with it.

as for finding someone who loves me for me, he loves me emotionally and he and i both know that, but physical attractiveness is very important. it's got to the point where he no longer wants to have sex with me, which is obviously a huge issue.

 

at this stage, i think i'm just going to quit with the "talks", since that just tends to upset us both and makes for a stressful time, and start with getting into shape. once he sees the effort i'm making, maybe then we'll have a talk but i think i first need to show i'm making the effort. during the last few months of our relationship, he did tell me that i was becoming needy and clingy etc, along with telling me (and it wasn't easy for him either, i know that) that i was becoming too heavy for what he likes physically. i'm prepared to accept that and work on it, and if we end up together again, just treat that as a bonus.

[Intergalactic]

This isn't exactly what you asked, but similar. It seems shallow and probably is, but I do lose attraction for someone with weight. Its not a choice, but rather just the way it is. I think what people find and don't find attractive is hard-wired. My ex was slightly heavy when we are together and she went on a weight program and lost a lot. I never once complained and she did this for herself. She went from beautiful and sexy to beautiful and very sexy. We then split up for completely unrelated reasons (her idea). Its been about 2 months and she now wants to talk about getting back together. She tried dating someone and told me it actually made her miss me even more. She said she is very much in love with me and can't picture herself with anyone else. So I saw her to talk and noticed she had gained it back. But the thing is, she was still just as attractive to me and the weight didn't matter. I too love her. So my guess is, yeah you could easily make yourself attractive to him again; especially if he's emotionally attached to you.

 

yeah, as i said, i really don't blame him for not finding the weight attractive. he still thinks i am pretty, but just not as sexy as i once was, and it affects our sex life, which is what led to the break up (along with the other emotional issues i mentioned). i figure, i'm in therapy and on medication now, i'm making myself happier within my life, i'm becoming the girl he fell in love with in the beginning, and getting back to that sexy weight can be part of that. i definitely don't resent him for not finding me sexy while i'm overweight (not obese of course, but definitely noticeable, i've put on a good 10 or 15 kilos since getting together - approx 20 - 25 lbs) and i've always known he prefers slender women.

[Intergalactic]

oh, should probably mention that he isn't interested in dating other people at the moment and still says "don't worry, i'm not going to do anything" when he goes out.