Just wanted some feed-back or guidance!!!

[sparks85]

Hey everyone,

 

I've been reading the posts on the forum since I broke up with my boyfriend a month and a half ago now!!! I haven't posted anything up till now but after thinking I was slowly moving forward with my life after the break-up, I have been feeling really bad about everything the last few days and guess I just wanted some feed-back from people!!!

 

Ok so here is my story - I'll try and keep it brief!!!

 

I got in contact with my now ex-boyfriend about a year and a half ago via facebook! We went to school together when we were younger and then reconnected online although I had seen him by chance a couple of times the summer before! We began talking on MSN last February (2007) and after getting to know each other a bit better, he talked about going out for a drink or dinner sometime. He asked for my number and said he would call to arrange something but he never did!!! I never used to chase him although I was often disappointed that he would never contact me to arrange a date. I still continued to chat to him online but we never did go out.

 

In the April I bumped into him on a night out with friends and after leaving the bar we had been at, he text me saying that he wanted to go out with me the next day. I told him I didn't believe him because he had promised we would go out before and I told him that if he was serious he would contact me the following day. The following day he did contact me and that night we went out for the first time. We began seeing each other on a regular basis and after a few weeks of seeing each other now and again, I asked him what was going on between us. He told me that he liked me but he wasn't looking for commitment. I knew there would be no future for us because I did want more and I told him so.

 

In the weeks that followed, he would regularly send me texts and call me in the early hours of the morning (drunk I assume) telling me that he had never met a girl like me before and telling me how amazing I was. He would often ask me to go and see him in the middle of the night and I, somewhat stupidly and naively, would go and see him at his house. While I like him a lot, I had made it very clear that nothing sexual would happen between us if we were not in a commited relationship and it never did. I still feel embarrased about the way I behaved - I should never have ever got out of my bed for him but I was completely infatuated and believed the things he told me.

 

Anyways, after returning from a holiday with friends, he told me that he had decided to go travelling for 3 months in the August. I was crushed that he was going but there was nothing I could do. Although he kept contacting me, I gradually began to cut off contact with him. By the time he left in the August we were no longer in contact and I tried to get on with my life as best as I could. Come the October, I received a text message from him telling me that he was in Australia and he had been thinking about how I was. I replied after a couple of days. As the month went on, he would contact me more frequently and we began talking online again. I went away to visit friends in the States in November and he text me telling me he had been half way across the world and he hadnt met one girl that compared to me.

 

Upon both of our returns to the UK in the November, he contacted me asking to meet up. After much debate, I decided it would be for the best if we didn't - because although I had thought about him every day he had been away, I had managed to live my life without him. The very same night, I went out with friends to a bar and when I walked through the door, I had the shock of my life when I came face to face with him. He walked over to me and said he thought I didn't want to see him, to which I replied I didn't, he concluded that our meeting must have been fate then.

 

By the December, we were meant to be a couple but things didn't feel right. We would see each other a couple of times a week but he didn't call me, it would take him hours to respond to my texts and we never went anywhere. He didn't want to see me at all over Christmas. I was extremely hurt by everything. In my mind, I told myself if things didn't change by January, I would have to break things up with him.

 

Things slowly did change and our relationship became a lot better - we had a lovely Valentine's Day and he asked if I would go with him to his cousin's wedding in the March.

 

Although things got better, something still worried me. He didn't want to change his status to in a relationship on facebook (because he said he was a private person and I could accept that!) but slowly I found out that he wasn't telling people he had a girlfriend, he wouldn't hold my hand in public in the entire 8 months we were together, we very rarely went out and if we did go for dinner or to the movies, and he paid (we always took it in turns), he would complain about the cost of everything and go on and on about how expensive everything was.

 

After putting up with months and months of this, it got to the point where I couldn't take no more. If I ever questioned him about anything, we would always end up in arguments where he would give me the ultimatum to accept him the way he was or break up with him. While I often thought this was unfair of him - a relationship is surely about compromise on both parts - I decided he was right, if I wasn't happy with the way I was being treated I had to get out and so I did!!!

 

We broke up on the 1st of August. For the first week he sent me texts just asking if I was ok cos I hadnt been feeling very well. About 10 days after our break-up, I did text him to ask if things were over between us or if there was a chance we could try and make things work. After a couple of days he replied:

 

'I'm afraid I just don't think we are going to work. I think we need time apart. That's the way I feel right now'.

 

I have respected his decision and I haven't contacted him since the 11th August...he text me a couple of days later on my birthday but I haven't heard from him since then.

 

The last couple of days I have felt really bad about everything but I think ultimately this has to be right decision. I know this is perhaps the longest post ever but I just needed to get it off of my chest once and for all and I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance that I am doing the right thing!!!

 

If anyone has the patience to read through all of that and would like to give me any feedback, it would be much appreicated

 

Sparks

[megapositive]

You've definately done the right thing! You've made it clear what you want and drew the line when he made it clear he couldn't give it to you. What are you feeling bad about, exactly? (Besides missing him and wishing he could be the way you want him to be.)

[sparks85]

Hey Megapositive,

 

Your 100% right I miss him and I just wish things could have worked out!!! I put everything into making us work - I really did try everything but it just seems like no matter what I did was good enough for him you know!!! He was my first love and I suppose I had just imagined that after everything that happened between us before we got together, things would have worked out!!!

 

I also think I may be slightly guitly of over-analyzing things - I keep asking myself if there is anything I could have done to make things better between us, in the last couple of days it has even got to the point where I'm blaming myself for things not working out - maybe I should have accepted him the way he was - I mean it may sound silly but the fact that he wouldn't hold my hand when walked down the road and actually pulled away from me like I had a contagious disease on the once occasion I tried to initiate holding hands was like a factor in why I broke up with him.

 

I guess I am just left thinking that maybe I was too rash or too selfish myself - maybe I expected too much!

[megapositive]

No, don't second-guess yourself, and remember, you've been feeling this way for a long time, haven't you? Don't settle for what he's wants to give you, because clearly what he'd been giving you didn't really make you happy, and sometimes even hurt. Sure, relationships are about compromise, but it seems like you've done almost most of the compromising and he's done very little. Compromise is one thing, it's meeting in the middle. Giving up what makes you happy, e.g. knowing he tells others he's your girlfriend (hello!!! ), is letting go a part of yourself, and that's no good. In the end you'd start to resent him, and things would turn rotten. We teach people how to treat us. Just going back to him and saying, ok, I'll let you keep on treating me this way, would not be good -- bad for your self-esteem.