cybersister Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 my son is 21, dropped out of uni and does NOTHING. It drives me bananas. says he is not depressed but does not do anything as he cannot think of anything he wants to do. Sleeps til early evening. Has no income- for a short time he got benefit but this was dropped as he slept through the time he had to sign on. He does not spaek to his father.. and very little to me. I want to help him but recognise that unltimately he has to help himsef. I really do not want a depressive in the house- his father was depressed for years and it ultimatley led to our divorce. I cannot divorce my son, but seriously think if I turned him out he would have to face the fact he needs to make some changes. I find it hard to keep up the energy levels in the house with him there- the truth is I ma not enjoying having him in the house. He does nto go out and seem not to have nay/many friends- certainly none come round. He does not want to go the doc as he does not think it will do any good. I know I cannot make him. He disengages any time I bring up the subject of jobs, training - says he does not know what he wants to do and he gets a headache anytime he tries to think about it! I know homeless people find it harder to get jobs, which is one of the main reasons I have not turned him out. He has been with me for over a year in this state, but I suspect he was like this for 2 years at uni as there is no evidence that he did any work when he was there and he failed exams. I am resentful as I feel I have done my bit living with a depressive. Also, selfishly, I want him to sort himself out as my plan is when his brother goes off to uni next year to upsticks and move to greece to be with my SO. SO thinks I cannot turn him out as I would not live with myself if he were to commit suicide. Any suggestions ?
Red_Apple Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 You could either take your son by the hand and do things for him/with him, i.e. Take him places to find work, to keep himself occupied, or introduce interesting programs at a college/university. I'm sure these two things will give him a sense of accomplishment. Tell him that "I know it seems like these things don't matter now, and they won't make you feel happier, but they will." On the other hand, you could play tough love and tell him you're fed up with his behaviour and self-wallowing/self-pity, that he needs to pick himself up and start living for himself again. At the same time, however, this would probably be difficult, given that he is suicidal (?) That's what I derived from your post. Do you know what's bothering your son? (If you don't mind me asking)
Author cybersister Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Thanks- No, I do not know that he is suicidal- the truth is I do not know what would happen if I threw him out- the SO is worried that he MIGHT- my son has never indicated as much. He refuses really to acknowledge he has a problem- or what has caused it. I know he has had some challenges in the past few years ( who hasn't - in 2004 came the marital split and i moved out- he was 17 and doing A levels; later that year my mother who he was close to died ) I guess it was a bad time for him to move away. I think I will try to do things with/for him - truth is I feel guilty cos I am doing it with an ulterior motive ( my freedom ) though it would not be true that I want him to remain as he is. I am sad that from where I sit he is wasting his life.
Red_Apple Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It seems like he is probably experiencing trauma from your split and the death of your mother. It's been several years after the fact, but events like that can remain with a person for a VERY long time. I sympathize with you that you're going to do all the weight-lifting for your son, but don't feel guilty that you're doing it with "ulterior motives." There's nothing wrong with wanting your "freedom." Besides, your son needs to learn to be independent and have his own sense of identity and purpose.
tinke Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 "tough love" will not benefit him if he is clinically depressed, as it would be difficult to "snap out of it". You may find value in making a Dr.'s appt. and escorting him.
sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 You're not doing him any favors by allowing him to postpone his life. At 21 years old, he needs to be supporting himself, going to school, or both. He has to understand that as an adult, he is responsible for taking care of himself. Can you at least charge him rent if he's going to be living in your house? You have to do something to force him to confront his depression and find appropriate treatment. Allowing him to withdraw from life with no consequences is a pretty big price to pay based on the chance that he MIGHT be suicidal!
Author cybersister Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 he has no income. When he was getting some benefit I did make a charge for his board. For a long time he lied about claiming benefit and applying for jobs- he said he had applied when he hadnt. when I found him out he said he had lied as " I had made him feel" worthless if he signed on - I challenged how much he was worth if he simply sponged on me . He could not answer. So the deal was I would throw him out next time he lies. I am not sure what his options would be then- his father- I doubt he would go back there, though he may be tougher on him which may be what he needs I suspect he is lying again about putting in a new claim for JSA, and job hunting. I think I will talk to my GP - with him knowing that continuing under my roof is dependent on his cooperation..
sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 he has no income. Right. That's the point of charging him rent, to make him go out and get a job.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 The only thing that you need to do for him is to get him on meds and be darn sure he takes them. I understand that you do not want to relive living with a depressive but you do realize that chemical depression whether brought on by external events or not is something that one can be genetically predisposed to. Help him to help himself and don't kick him out right now. He needs to correct the neuro-chemical imbalance before he can help himself. Good Luck.
tinke Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 It appears that your son may be "stuck" and physically/emotionally unable to make changes on his own. He may need you to guide him rather than be firm right now. There is a distinct diffference between laziness and depression, one being a diagnosis. Your firmness may pay off by physically taking him to a Dr. and perhaps becoming involved in counseling.
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I agree, you may have to take him to the Dr, get him assessed and go from there. Try to talk to him, I mean he knows his dad has depression, so that is hereditory. Explain to him that you DO love him and want to help him, that you'll do everything possible to get him feeling good again, but he has to trust you. Google depressionfallout, there's helpful info.. Also, just thought of this, but if he refuses to go, is it possible to get a court order to overrule so he HAS no choice but to go?
RMan3 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Before your break-up & the death of his grandmother, was he a happy boy? Did he have periods in his life that he seemed depressed? As said earlier clenical depression cannot just stop. If he truly is depressed, & it sounds like he is, telling him to snap out of it will not help. I know it is stressful for you & I understand you want what is best for him & also you want to start living your life, You deserve it. I also understand people wanting you to be tough with him, charge him room & board, turn him out for being lazy etc. But be very careful. If it is depression he can't just snap out of it. One thing seems for sure he needs to see a Dr. & examined & diagnosed. It's hard living with a depressed person & I do think it is worth your time & effort to stick with him & see him through this. Many of us know someone that has suffered depression & with medication, cognative therapy totaly turned their life around & led very successful lives.
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I never was depressed, but I did and still do suffer from SAD on and off throughout the winter. I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, though I did seek counselling, I did CBT and now I am much better. Ofcourse I still have some anxious feelings sometimes but I am able to work through them. A good support system is so important, so reach out to your son! Don't give up on him.
Author cybersister Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 rman3- thanks for this. He was happy when child, thouhg never very sociable he did have friends, was in school swimming team, became a prefect at senior school and part of the drumming group. He became withdrawn as a teenager- I thought this normal- also he was living in a low energy household. I do not think anyone really gave him much attention. So I guess I feel somewhat guilty too- especially for my part in ending the relationship which may have contributesd But who knows- if it is inherited form his father anything could have triggered it.' And yes, now I have found happiness in a relationship, I have energy to spare for him. I guess I wanted some reassurance from this group as SO has no time for depression- says he does not believe in it and F is just lazy. But no-one can sleep the amount he does normally- sometimes 20 hours in a day. I ilke the sound of your approach
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