norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Instead of asking why women cheat or why men cheat, I wonder if it would be more productive to ask why people don't cheat. For all the cheaters out there, there are also people who don't make the choice to cheat when faced with the same set of circumstances. Were they raised differently? Are they better problem solvers? Are they more empathetic? Do they have better impulse control? Are they more fearful of the consequences? Do they have more respect for people in general, and specifically for their partners?
Mitch_N_Fez Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I think men cheating vs women cheating are two completely different animals brother. I'll break it down here for you... Men: They cheat due to hornyness. They just want to get laid. It's pure lust. Very rarely is there emotional attachment. Women: They cheat due to emotions. This guy is nicer than their boyfriend or a bit more "bold" than the man they're with, etc. It's more emotional than just physical. That's why I think when a woman cheats on a guy, it's much more harmful.
Author norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Thanks for posting, but we already have a (long) thread arguing about why women cheat and why men cheat. I'm asking why people choose NOT to cheat when faced with the same desires/wish for sex or affection that cheaters do.
Trialbyfire Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 nj, I'm going to answer from the personal perspective of someone who's never cheated. Were they raised differently? I was raised with strong family foundations that considered cheating a horrible act of selfishness. There's no history of cheating. I'm the first that was cheated on. A poor choice of mate on my part. Are they better problem solvers? I can't answer the "better" portion but must admit that I enjoy problem solving career wise. For a relationship, resolution is key, which means that both parties have to lay honest feelings on the table, not skate around the big, white elephant, trying not to hurt each others' feelings. Unresolved differences are murder to a relationship. Are they more empathetic? Sometimes. Depends on the situation and the people involved. I can't feel empathy for someone who doesn't reciprocate. Do they have better impulse control? Now this, I'm willing to own big time. I can stop myself from anything, regardless of how much I want it. Are they more fearful of the consequences? Not fearful, just don't see the need for it. It's just not worth it. I'd rather walk. Do they have more respect for people in general, and specifically for their partners? I can't remain in a relationship where I don't respect my partner, hence the walk before cheating aspect.
melodymatters Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Well Nora, In MY case, it is mostly about self respect and my own character. I try ( for whatever reasons) to be a good person. I NEED to be able to go to sleep at night, knowing I did my best to help and not hurt my fellow human beings. Now, make that fellow human being a person that I love or once loved. That triples the amount of responsibility I feel towards that person. If I really didn't love someone any more, and I tried everything I could to get things back on track, I would respectfully end things with that person before I moved on. I have never cheated, though in full honesty 20 yrs ago in college, I dated a guy who I knew had a GF.
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Good one, NJ! I think I don't cheat because I highly value my promises...so it is out of self-interest that I don't cheat -- I WANT (choose?) to keep my promises because that is who I want to be (for myself.) I mean, yes, I'd also say I'm empathetic with good impulse control but...mostly I think it's about keeping my word. Excellent question
cybersister Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I was the victim of a broken home due to my father's cheating. Knowing the consequences of cheating I did not cheat when my children were small cos I did not want the same to happen to them. Later when my children were older and my marriage very unhappy I did start to see someone else- At that time I was too lonely to be strong not to respond when someone showed me the attention I craved. My current partner I am just crazy about. We have talked about it- he used to get about a lot, but we have agreed that our relationship is for keeps- unless one of us is unfaithful. No way would I want to mess this relationship up, so no way would i cheat. In any event he is the only man I even think about these days.
Author norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Thank you, ladies. It seems that self-respect, respect for others, desire to honor your promises, internal strength - those all play a part in your choices. This leads me to believe that someone who doesn't cheat is a mentally and emotionally healthier person on the whole. Is that a fair characterization?
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 someone who doesn't cheat is a mentally and emotionally healthier person on the whole. Is that a fair characterization? Not for me, no -- I have been blessed with more dysfunctional coping skills than...well, than lots of people . But I've enjoyed whittling down the list, and all the great self-learning that comes from doing that. Spiritually stronger...I'd say maybe it is more on a spiritual level, for me.
Trialbyfire Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Thank you, ladies. It seems that self-respect, respect for others, desire to honor your promises, internal strength - those all play a part in your choices. This leads me to believe that someone who doesn't cheat is a mentally and emotionally healthier person on the whole. Is that a fair characterization? nj, I don't know if this defines emotionally healthy but it does strongly define self-respect and/or respect for your partner.
Author norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Cheating seems like such short-term thinking. It leads to all kinds of drama and creates more and bigger problems than the ones that were present before cheating. Cheating scratches a situational itch, but only temporarily. Are non-cheaters longer term thinkers?
Author norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Not for me, no -- I have been blessed with more dysfunctional coping skills than...well, than lots of people . But I've enjoyed whittling down the list, and all the great self-learning that comes from doing that. Spiritually stronger...I'd say maybe it is more on a spiritual level, for me. I hear ya! We're all works in progress.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I agree with NoraJane, I was raised that cheating was a terrible thing to do to somebody, so I took those values into adulthood. Also, cheating is an indicator of a poor decision maker, and someone who lacks integrity. With that said, check out how some modern day PHD's describe the reasons why people cheat. http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/couples/relationships_cheat_b1/2 Cheers!
GoodOnPaper Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 This leads me to believe that someone who doesn't cheat is a mentally and emotionally healthier person on the whole. Is that a fair characterization? No -- at least in my case. What keeps me from cheating is the same "nice guy" fear of approaching women that plagued me when I was single.
Author norajane Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 No -- at least in my case. What keeps me from cheating is the same "nice guy" fear of approaching women that plagued me when I was single. So you still wish to approach women even though you aren't single. And only fear of rejection prevents you from doing so. What about fear of losing the woman who hasn't rejected you? Does that come into play at all?
audrey_1 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It seems that self-respect, respect for others, desire to honor your promises, internal strength - those all play a part in your choices. Definitely. I do not want to responsible for injuring someone in this way. I would prefer we discuss my attraction to someone else before I acted on it, and try to work it out, or end things. I would expect the same in return. Sounds good in theory. nj, I don't know if this defines emotionally healthy but it does strongly define self-respect and/or respect for your partner. Yep. Also, cheating is an indicator of a poor decision maker, and someone who lacks integrity. Another yep.
Jilly Bean Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 NJ - Ive never stepped out on a BF in my life. Once, when my ex and I were going through a rough patch, I had a moment of contemplation when I ran into an old college BF, but quickly dismissed that. Why? A few reasons. 1 - I don't want to be "that girl". I don't want to wear the moniker of being a "cheater". 2 - I project forward in this situation and consider the consequences of my actions. I think how I would feel if the situation was reversed, or how he would feel to find out. Again, NOT pleasant outcomes. 3 - I try to live my life by not intentionally hurting people and trying to be karmic in my actions. Cheating not only hurts the other person, but the cheater as well. Why do that? Why set off a chain of events that will only swing back negatively to me? 4 - At the end of the day I want to look in the mirror and know I was a good person. If I have not acted on fleeting *evil* thoughts, or worked through the source of me even having these desires, then I've done OK. 5 - Bottom line, I think cheating is incredibly disrespectful to both parties, and for all the reasons above, I won't go there.
GoodOnPaper Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 What about fear of losing the woman who hasn't rejected you? Does that come into play at all? Not really. It's more about the fear of leaving the "comfort" of the family unit.
audrey_1 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 NJ - Ive never stepped out on a BF in my life. Once, when my ex and I were going through a rough patch, I had a moment of contemplation when I ran into an old college BF, but quickly dismissed that. Why? A few reasons. 1 - I don't want to be "that girl". I don't want to wear the moniker of being a "cheater". 2 - I project forward in this situation and consider the consequences of my actions. I think how I would feel if the situation was reversed, or how he would feel to find out. Again, NOT pleasant outcomes. 3 - I try to live my life by not intentionally hurting people and trying to be karmic in my actions. Cheating not only hurts the other person, but the cheater as well. Why do that? Why set off a chain of events that will only swing back negatively to me? 4 - At the end of the day I want to look in the mirror and know I was a good person. If I have not acted on fleeting *evil* thoughts, or worked through the source of me even having these desires, then I've done OK. 5 - Bottom line, I think cheating is incredibly disrespectful to both parties, and for all the reasons above, I won't go there. More fabulous reasons why cheating also isn't for me.
Trialbyfire Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Not really. It's more about the fear of leaving the "comfort" of the family unit. Which falls into line with one of nj's original questions. Are they more fearful of the consequences?
GoodOnPaper Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 But the fear itself is not necessarily a healthy thing.
Trialbyfire Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Fear within itself is a useful and healthy emotion. Fight or flight instinct. Remaining in an unsatisfactory relationship solely for personal comfort sake, is not healthy. If you don't plan to fix the problems, walk and be free to indulge as you see fit. If it's solely monogamy that you find confining, why be in a relationship unless you want to have your cake and eat it too? A wife/mother to change your nappies and some side bit.
mental_traveller Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Instead of asking why women cheat or why men cheat, I wonder if it would be more productive to ask why people don't cheat. For all the cheaters out there, there are also people who don't make the choice to cheat when faced with the same set of circumstances. Were they raised differently? Are they better problem solvers? Are they more empathetic? Do they have better impulse control? Are they more fearful of the consequences? Do they have more respect for people in general, and specifically for their partners? IMO these are the reasons, in order: 1) Naturally monogamous 2) Fully happy and in love with their partner 3) Haven't had the opportunity 4) Impotent 5) In a monastery/nunnery 6) Stranded on a desert island 7) Would like to, but have sufficiently high ethical standards and concern for their partner not to
Ronni_W Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Are non-cheaters longer term thinkers? Hhmmm...yes, there could be something to that. Willing and/or able to wait instead of just rushing for instant gratification without considering possible repercussions. Maybe there could be something like that as well, consciously or subconsciously. EDIT: I don't think I'm "naturally monogamous", though. I mean, I don't believe it's in my DNA or mental programming. It's a choice, for me.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Hhmmm...yes, there could be something to that. Willing and/or able to wait instead of just rushing for instant gratification without considering possible repercussions. Maybe there could be something like that as well, consciously or subconsciously. EDIT: I don't think I'm "naturally monogamous", though. I mean, I don't believe it's in my DNA or mental programming. It's a choice, for me. Non-cheaters seem to be more mentally mature than cheaters.
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