Wants to be friends

[up the creek]

I've been seeing a girl at work on and off for the past 9 months. We met at a Christmas do and being aware of her reputation as a flirt and the fact that she had a boyfriend, I initially gave her a wide birth.

 

She made it obvious what she wanted and after a while we began going for lunch together. The flirting continued and after a few weeks we kissed and shortly after the relationship turned sexual. It continued on an off over the next few months and at various times one or other of us would say enough was enough.

 

I was single throughout and initially convinced myself that I wasn't really doing anything wrong. I accept now that ofcourse I was but I found her very attractive and I was flattered by the attention.

 

About 3 months ago she bought a house with her partner and we decided to cool things. We carried on meeting for lunch and stayed friends. Sure enough the flirting started again and this time we were both responsible. By now I had started to develop feelings for her and we had said that we loved one another, although I accept in reality we probably didn't.

 

Recently I have grown really attached to her, but she has made it clear that she has no intention of leaving her boyfriend and they'll likely get engaged before the year's out. I told her yesterday that I couldn't carry on doing this anymore and that I fel she was having her cake and eating it. She didn't deny it but instead said that she really wanted me in her life still, even if only as a friend.

 

The problem I have is that I know neither of us are strong enough to stick to this arrangement and the flirting will no doubt return as before. I'll find it extremely hard to cut her off because we work together and I really enjoy her company. I know this is what I have to do to gain some peace and for my own self-respect, but I'm struggling to do the right thing.

 

Any advice welcome. Unfortunately I can't promise I'll have the determination to follow it but maybe hearing other people's views will help galvanise my opinion.

 

Thanks

[jj33]

Thats so disappointing. I think you know the answer to your question. She has told you she has made a choice, she has admitted she wants to have her cake and eat it too. If you could be happy with teh friendship that would be great and in time you may well be able to enjoy the friendship.

 

But at this point you need some space to get over your romantic feelings. When you have come to terms with the fact that she has decided to marry someone else it may be that you can be friends again.

 

Good luck I know its upsetting.

[bentnotbroken]

Leave her alone, before th BF finds out and rips you a new one. Then he will forgive her and you will still be out in the cold. It is better to end it now instead of under the threat of whatever. How would you feel if she was living with you and he was the one spreading her legs? Sorry to be so blunt, but do you see how he could feel?

[jj33]

Leave her alone, before th BF finds out and rips you a new one. Then he will forgive her and you will still be out in the cold. It is better to end it now instead of under the threat of whatever. How would you feel if she was living with you and he was the one spreading her legs? Sorry to be so blunt, but do you see how he could feel?

 

What she said!!

 

If you have any thought of continuing to sleep with her DONT. For your sanity and because of the above. And why would you want to do that to yourself. You will feel like a loser. She is not married she is not even engaged and he has already "won" so if you are thinking that if you see her she will somehow change her mind, DONT.

 

Its not going to happen and you will lose your self respect and cause yourself more heartache. And also what BNB said.

 

Even if she did - do you really want to get involved with someone who cheats on a boyfriend she intends to marry? She is free and single. She could end it with this guy if she wanted to. This is not a tough question. You know the answer.

[up the creek]

Bentnotbroken - I'm not sure 'leave her alone' really describes how things are currently. I'm not chasing her or asking her to remain in my life; if anything it's the other way round. As for how her bf feels, well ofcourse I can put myself in his shoes as I think I mentioned and I know I am playing an active part in the deceit, but at the same time I'm not cheating on my partner. It doesn't clear me of ANY respsonsibility accepted, but I do think the onus is on her to address that side of the relationship. If he finds out, he finds out. I sometimes think it would be for the best because I'm sure I won't be the last, but I agree him finding out won't mean that her and I get together and in reality I would never be able to trust her if we did.

[Agent_99]

Think about this for a second. She is having an affair, emotional and physical with you. She is living with her boyfriend and thinks that they will be engages by the end of the year. She lies effectivly to him. If she is caught she will lie to him more, and beg him not to leave her. And he will forgive her for this onetime slip up. If she is saying that she had no intentions of leaving him then she really does mean it. Even if it seems like she doesn't.

 

Honestly this isn't about you screwing some guy over that you don't know. This is about the fact that you are getting attached to her and if you continue to see her your feelings will continue to develop. With eventual stress and drama and heartache that can be avoided by walking away now.

 

It's nice to be chased by someone that you find attractive, many of us know exactly how that feels, we weren't the ones to pursue the person, they pursued us.

 

If you really feel that a friendship can continue, set firm boundaries for yourself and stick to them. She doesn't have to even know that you have set these boundaries, just do it.

 

I remember being in your place where I don't think it was quite love yet, but I made the choice to keep seeing her because my feelings weren't that deep, I thought I could handle it as a casual fling.

 

Here I am a year later, deeply in love and it ending because we have now had 2 DDays and this second one, her gf still will stay with her, but she can't risk being seen with me now outside of work. I am grieving very deeply for something was did bring a lot of wonderful things to my life. At least in my case I was close to being ready to move on anyway, so while I am grieving I am not stuck in it.

 

~99

[norajane]

Recently I have grown really attached to her, but she has made it clear that she has no intention of leaving her boyfriend and they'll likely get engaged before the year's out.

 

So while she's developing a life with her bf, you are getting more and more attached to her.

 

What about your life? Don't you want to be with someone who loves you and wants to build a life with you? Why are you so willing to give up your dreams in order to hover around someone who isn't dreaming of you?

 

As long as you are stuck orbiting the fringes of her life, you're missing out on all the other women out there and on the opportunity to have your own romantic life.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about her anymore, it's about you.

 

Is it fair to you to be the OM in her life? You are second fiddle. I bet that makes you feel wonderful.......

 

Being friends with her, prevents you from meeting or possibly falling for someone else because of what you feel for her.

 

It is impossible to be friends with someone who you're inlove with and they don't have any real intention of making a committment to you and in this situation, she has moved in with a guy, plans on marrying him.

 

WHAT do you get out of this? What is it inside of you that's making you hang on, putting yourself in a situation where you KNOW you're going to hurt, alot?

 

Do some soul searching, talk to your friends, family and ask them this stuff too. I'm sure the common theme will be - Staying with her, having her in your life will only end up in heartache.

[up the creek]

Norajane/Agent 99 etc...thanks. I really don't want to screw anyone over. That wasn't my intention when I got into this. If I had known the guy I couldn't have done it but not knowing him meant that I was able to turn off to a degree. I was selfish and I allowed myself to live with that. Interestingly I asked two of my friends for their opinions; one said go for it and the other said it was morally wrong. I knew it was morally wrong but I went for it nevertheless. I do feel really bad for her bf. By all accounts he treats her really well and doesn't deserve this. I honestly don't think I'd be any better bf than he is, but I just think she wants the thrill. The steady, predictable and happy life isn't enough for her.

 

Yes her life has progressed over the last few months and that has bothered me. If I'd met someone in the meantime that I'd liked I don't think it would have stopped me seeing them, but at the same time I've been so blown away by her that nobody else really came close. It feels so strange to be attracted to someone I know I could never trust. I guess its the bad boy/bad girl syndrome and I know I have to take control before it causes anymore pain (for anyone).

 

I've decided I need a break from her. Maybe in time we can be friends but I need to put an end to the deception. We're both at the same social event next week and when she's drunk the flirting goes into overdrive. I'm determind to stick to a plan and be polite but distant. That was my plan 9 months ago, but I gave in to the temptation. I know now it's not going anywhere so I haven't got the same excuse this time around.

[Agent_99]

This time just stick really stong to your plan. And let us know how it goes

 

~99

[lkjh]

Sometimes the right thing is also the hard thing. Cut her off and tell her boyfriend before you let some poor guy spend the rest of his life with someone who will do this again and possible give him an std.

[Patience08]

Up the Creek,

 

You mentioned you will be both at the same social event next week. I know your anxiety. Will she be there with her boyfriend? Will you have a date, or will you be with some friends?

 

I'm a woman, and I think if she has chemistry with you that is leading her to have a sexual relationship something is missing with her boyfirend. She would be making a mistake to get ingaged....JMO

[up the creek]

whichwayisup - thank you for your advice. At the risk of picking and choosing advice (which I guess is what we have to do), what you said made complete sense. It is about me now not her. I've speant all weekend thinking of what text message I would send her to tell her it was really over this time and I needed space (on Monday ofcourse because we can't communicate at the weekend! - kind of sums things up!). I finally realised that the most powerful thing I could do, for her and me, would be NOT to send anything. It is over. I have already told her that. No need for a text. Playing second fiddle is horrible and I am worth more. We all are. As to why hang around waiting for the pain, well I guess what starts off as fun eventually starts to attack our self esteem and before you know it being second best is the what you think you deserve. I know that's not the case but you're right, the longer I stick around and it soon will be.

 

agent99 - thank you. Yes I do need to stick to my plan. I tried this before a few months ago and we ended up back together. In order to try and remedy it this time, I'm going to keep this thread going and then if I go back on my word I'll have to suffer the consequences of telling the whole world that I'm weak and a loser.

 

ikjh - I would love to tell her boyfriend for any number of reasons. Firstly I'm angry that her life outside of us is progressing just nicely whilst I've been stuck in a time-warp for the past few months and secondly, I really don't think that I will be the last. I suspect there's something in her which needs the attention and whilst she doesn't set out intending to 'do' anything or intentionally hurt anyone, the flirting will always be part of her nature and will no doubt lead to affairs with other people in the future. For this reason alone, if I were he, I would rather know now so I could get out. The fact is its not my place to tell him. Having been party to the deceit I can't now take the moral high ground and tell him. Cutting her off? That's another thing entirely and yes I really should do that, at the very least until I am over her enough to not get caught up in this again. Maybe in time we can be friends. Despite everything she's a great girl in many other ways and once I'm clear of the attraction, maybe we can be friends, but only then.

 

patience08 - its a works do and so no partners involved. I really couldn't go if he was there. I could stay away but I want to go and start to put the new boundaries into practice. There will be lots of people there I want to see and if she starts flirting with other guys as will likely be the case I'll just leave. I need to take it easy on the drink front and go with a plan in mind. As for something missing from her current realtionship, I really don't think there is. He sounds like a fantastic guy. I think its more that there's something she craves that no relationship can give her. I think she craves the attention of other people and the reassurance that she can pull other guys. Whether it was me or him she's with. I honestly suspect that will always be the case, at least until her looks fade. I'm biased but she is gorgeous and she uses it to her advantage.

[jj33]

Up the creek you really have thought this through. Good for you.

 

One little thing - its not a question of whether he is there. Its a question of the fact that she is there. I have been in many situations with MM and the in person ones are the worst. Typically I show my face and leave as soon as possible. I have been with MM and wife at things (only 2x) once I wasnt introduced to her and didnt know it was her so it wasnt an issue the second time we were introduced said our pleasantries and that was the end.

 

But you should think about whether you want to be there with her, alcohol fueled flirting, whether if you dont play the game she will flirt with someone else to make you jealous... I know you dont want to bow out of your social circle because of her but while things are still fresh you may want to think about whether you really want to be around her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What do you see in her as a genuine friend?

 

Genuine friends are there for you, day or night with no explanation needed, no guilty feelings, and nothing to hide from their friends and loved ones when it comes to you. They are people you can rely on when the chips are down. People who you can go a few days or weeks without hearing from, yet don't fret and obsess over why they aren't calling you. They are people who respect your boundaries and their own, and put ethics ahead of sex.

 

What has this girl done?

 

She has showed you that she is anything but a friend.

 

I think you need to tell her straight up to stop with the 'friends' bullsh*t. If she wanted to be your friend in the truest sense, she would do what a genuine friend would do and walk away and insist you do the same in order to spare your heart from her wrongdoing.

 

Instead... she is showing you that down deep when you strip away the romance and roses, she is merely another selfish attention vampire who needs to keep men around to validate her sense of self worth.

 

Since she clearly can't do the right thing, one of you has to. May as well be you.

 

Unless, of course you like how this is making you feel. Then you can keep staying in a situation with a 'friend' who leaves your heart feeling mangled on a daily basis.

[up the creek]

I've been thinking things through and I have reached the conclusion that for the past few months she's truely been having her cake and eating it.

 

This may sound obvious but I can think of some circumstances where having an affair might not fall automatically into this bracket. For instance if you are trapped in a unhappy marriage with children you might feel unable to leave your partner no matter how much you like/love the other person. Or even if you're in a happy relationship it's possible that suddenly someone comes into you life and before you know it everything has changed and you realise you could be even happier. In this case I suppose you'd probably make long term plans with the newbie, whether or not you have the courage to see them through.

 

For my part, if you're in what you claim to be a loving, happy and satisfying relationship (not yet married, no children) and are in the process of further deepening the commitment between you by buying a property together, why would you possibly have an affair? Not a one night stand but a full blown 6 months plus affair with no intention of it going anywhere whatsoever?

 

The only conclusion I can see is that you were having your cake and eating it. Am I being too black and white? Is it this simple?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yes, it is often if not nearly always that simple when you come right down to it.

[wildsoul]

For my part, if you're in what you claim to be a loving, happy and satisfying relationship (not yet married, no children) and are in the process of further deepening the commitment between you by buying a property together, why would you possibly have an affair? Not a one night stand but a full blown 6 months plus affair with no intention of it going anywhere whatsoever?

So glad you are seeing this clearly now! There are plenty of gray areas in affairs, especially when lies & confusion are involved. But I really can't understand how someone would get involved with a person who says they are not leaving their spouse, or as in your case, are actively committing more in their primary relationship by getting married, buying property, etc. It's bad enough when the MM/W lies to make it seem like they are leaving when they are not, but it almost seems worse to me when the OP is so self-deceptive that they hang on for something that the MP isn't even offering.