sedgwick Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I still dream about him. I still cry about him. It's been 14 months now. Does this ever, ever stop? Will there ever be a time when other people look attractive to me at all? I can't believe I'm still this sad after more than a year, and with therapy too. Sometimes I miss him so much I feel like I'm going to double over from physical pain. The person I love the most is no longer speaking to me, and the only reason I was ever given is that I'm not an old-time fiddle player. And because of this, I am now terrified to ever trust again, and I'm lonely, and I have no sex life and no sign of one anytime in the foreseeable future. I'm happy in general, but everything I do, I do thinking, "If only he were here to enjoy this with me." I just feel like there's this gaping wound where my heart used to be and I'm never going to be able to put myself back together.
lori0178 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Your posting reminded me of myself almost 4 years ago... except I likened my 5 year relationship to a tumor that was ripped off of me and took FORever to heal! It was like this gaping wound that everyone could see and i didn't know how to stop the bleeding. In answer to your question - yes it does stop and you Will trust again and lonely is not the end of the world... keep a journal sister, look back at it in 12 months, grimace over the words you wrote - and then throw that ****er away. I'm so sorry your going through this - I've been there. And it does get better with time. Time is great therapy!
Lookingforward Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It damn well better stop soon , or I think I'll just go crazy instead. I've never been this sad this long over anyone else. I don't understand it.
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Sometimes we have to fake till me make it Sedgwick I'm not sure if you are dating and putting yourself out there but you need to.. you need to move on partly by finding another person to occupy your time and thoughts while time works it's magic.. Having been where you are and getting thru it I can look back and see that dating and getting another.. even if only for a short time was part of the reason I was able to move on .. Time is the only thing that makes the memories from popping in your head all day.. that and building new memories with another.. You sit their with nothing other than your last relationship ion your head to draw on..
marlena Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 even if only for a short time was part of the reason I was able to move on .. Works miracles. You'll be over him in a snap.
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I never get asked out, is the thing! Granted, I leave my house about 75% less now than I did when I was with him, but still, I'm just not someone who gets flirted with. Ever. The only reason I was with him is that I pursued him for a year, and FINALLY he noticed me. I don't have the energy or the self-confidence to pursue someone like that again, or even to develop the interest in them in the first place. Nobody looks attractive to me, at all, and it would seem I don't look attractive to them either.
sunshinegirl Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I never get asked out, is the thing! Granted, I leave my house about 75% less now than I did when I was with him, but still, I'm just not someone who gets flirted with. Ever. The only reason I was with him is that I pursued him for a year, and FINALLY he noticed me. I don't have the energy or the self-confidence to pursue someone like that again, or even to develop the interest in them in the first place. Nobody looks attractive to me, at all, and it would seem I don't look attractive to them either. Nah, you're probably just putting out a vibe that says "don't approach me." Not a judgment of any kind, I do the same exact thing. I wouldn't know what to do with a guy who flirted with me right now, so I am sure my body language says 'stay away'.
sid3 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I never get asked out, is the thing! Hey Sedge, let's have coffee/lunch one day this week. I'll probably get banned for posting that:lmao:, oh well. Seriously though, you seem like a cool chick, cute too.
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 That's very sweet of you, Sid, but I have no idea who or where you are.
sid3 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Good point, Sedge. WHERE: I live just outside NYC, I hop on the train some weekends. Who: that's a toughie. hahaha....seriously. I'd have to think about that one. Washington Sq park on a sunny day is usually a good time. I might of spent too much time in the village:laugh:
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I might of spent too much time in the village:laugh: Or you might HAVE, even! (Sorry, fanatical grammar fiend, it's involuntary. ) I've had some bad luck meeting people on the internet -- met a guy recently with whom I was just chatting as friends, no romantic interest whatsoever, and he ended up flying across the country to try to spend five minutes with me. When I mentioned the name of a park in my neighborhood, he bought a plane ticket to NYC and called me from that park. Given that I'm in my 30s and he's in his 60s, it was extra creepy. Then I had a guy read something I wrote on a message board, decide he was in love with me, and start net-stalking me. It's been a strange year to say the very least. I'm not down for meeting men online at this point! But thanks for thinking I'm cute, I appreciate it!
Lishy Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Sedge, you are a sex bomb!!!!!!!! Get out there wench and sow those oats, you must be a born again virgin by now hahhaha Pull down your wall for a while and let someone in, I am sure you do not get flirted with because your wall is so high and you probably do not have welcoming body language because of this
mollers Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Hi Sedgewick, I'm still not really over my ex either, although I would never admit it to anyone apart from on here! It's been nearly 5 months and whilst my wailing and weeping is over, I still would rather he was in my life than out of it. I still think of him when I turn out the light and wonder who he's with and what he's doing (and this is despite the fact I think he treated me pretty poorly when our relationship came to an end). I don't find anyone remotely attractive (except him), and in the supermarket the other day I saw a guy who looked like him from the back and my chest hurt and tears came into my eyes. I still think of him as my perfect partner and until I get over that, I don't see me moving on any time quickly. Especially as like you, I leave the house 75% less also. Basically, I understand everything you are saying. It's **** and it sucks. The only consolation to me and maybe to you, is that I usually meet people when I am not looking for them and least expect it. I can only hope that will happen again (maybe when I up my 'house-leaving) by 50%!!!! Keep doing what you are doing; I know it's been a long time but maybe this is the length of time you need to come to terms with this. It's hell on earth when your relationship ends when you didn't want it to, I'm with you on this and it's one day at a time unfortunately.
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 Sedge, you are a sex bomb!!!!!!!! Get out there wench and sow those oats, you must be a born again virgin by now hahhaha I haven't had sex since the day he left me, and I don't imagine I'll ever do it again. I'm not able to trust anymore, and he's the only person I find attractive. I'm trying to just accept that sex is no longer part of my life, and that I've done it for the last time. I have to somehow make peace with that. Mollers, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I hope someday I'm able to go out and hear music again, or to just go out again in general. Now that I can no longer trust, meeting new people is kind of pointless, but maybe I won't always feel that way. If your "weeping and wailing is over" after five months, that's great! I still cry over mine almost every day. I had no idea how much I could cry until this past year. I have never cried so much over anything. My heart is just totally broken.
sid3 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I'm not down for meeting men online at this point! Me neither. Scary stories.... I don't doubt it. Another good reason why every woman should carry a can of mace or at least know some karate... Seriously though, I know it's not nearly the same as in real life, but hopefully it brightened your day and you see that your original post is just a temporary perception. Your welcome Sedge, you should think so too. What we tell ourselves matters the most.
mollers Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Mollers, If your "weeping and wailing is over" after five months, that's great! I still cry over mine almost every day. You know what Sedgewick, I think I would probably cry every day if I let myself really think about it but I almost force myself not to. I have a son, so obviously he is my number one priority and the only person I can love unconditionally; he keeps me well occupied!! I think the reason I don't cry every day is because I force myself to think of the few 'problems' that existed in our relationship. I say 'problems' in inverted commas because I don't really think they were, but he obviously did, and every time I get to feeling like I could cry over him, I remember the way he walked so easily out of my life over what I considered to be minor details. It helps to make me feel just a little angry and keeps the tears at bay. But I could cry easily over him, I just refuse to because then it's like I'm living my life for him, and whilst I loved him, I can't let that happen. I really hope things keep improving for you, you sound like a great person.
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I really hope things keep improving for you, you sound like a great person. Thank you, you too. Mine saw problems where I didn't, and saw no problems where I did. Namely, his biggest problem with the relationship was that I don't have the exact identical same career as his, and mine was that he doesn't take care of himself physically and is wasting away from not eating or sleeping enough. Still and all, I love him unconditionally -- I feel like I learned what unconditional love is from being with him. I will always love him for exactly who he is, even though he can't love me because I don't play the fiddle.
sunshinegirl Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Thank you, you too. Mine saw problems where I didn't, and saw no problems where I did. Namely, his biggest problem with the relationship was that I don't have the exact identical same career as his, and mine was that he doesn't take care of himself physically and is wasting away from not eating or sleeping enough. Still and all, I love him unconditionally -- I feel like I learned what unconditional love is from being with him. I will always love him for exactly who he is, even though he can't love me because I don't play the fiddle. I think it would do you a world of good to stop repeating this tripe, both to yourself and to others.
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I think it would do you a world of good to stop repeating this tripe, both to yourself and to others. It is the only reason I was given. All I can do is assume it was truth.
mollers Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Don't want to come across as judging you because it's not always easy to get thoughts across online - but if I was in your position I think I'd find it difficult to love my ex unconditionally if that was the only reason he gave me for ending the relationship. I'm sure it was more complicated than that? Is that really the only reason he gave you? Or was it that he didn't take the time to fully explain and simply left you with this impression? Sorry, I know it's going over old ground and you have mentioned this in earlier threads but I wasn't on the boards to read your original thread telling your story. My ex was a musician (I wasn't) but it never really came between us; sometimes I used to feel a little 'on the sidelines' when it came to music but I think that was my issue rather than his. From what I've read on your other threads you have so many of your own interests that your ex should have been impressed enough with those achievements!
Author sedgwick Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 Yup, that's the only reason he gave me. The night before he left we had an amazing evening, and he told me he loved me as we drifted off to sleep. In the morning, over breakfast, was when he dumped me for not being a musician. It was the weekend we were ostensibly celebrating the selling of my book, which had happened two weeks before while he was away on tour. I know it's crazy that I still love him like I do, but I do. I love him absolutely, totally, unconditionally, always, for exactly who he is. But yeah, he basically told me I wasn't a fiddle player, walked out the door, and I never saw him again.
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Yup, that's the only reason he gave me. The night before he left we had an amazing evening, and he told me he loved me as we drifted off to sleep. In the morning, over breakfast, was when he dumped me for not being a musician. It was the weekend we were ostensibly celebrating the selling of my book, which had happened two weeks before while he was away on tour. I know it's crazy that I still love him like I do, but I do. I love him absolutely, totally, unconditionally, always, for exactly who he is. But yeah, he basically told me I wasn't a fiddle player, walked out the door, and I never saw him again. Honestly Seg.. those are reasons to hate him not love him.. He treated you like crap in the end I know how hard it is to go thru a breakup where your heart gets ripped out but you really need at this point to start putting things in perspective and stop swooning over a man who had his head up his ass and treated you worse than he would treat a stranger.. You really need to start dating... Even if you just go out with guys once.. but you need to start putting yourself out there
Author sedgwick Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 I know AC, I wish I could force myself to hate him. I wish it were possible. I cannot even imagine going out on dates. I think I would barf if anyone else tried to kiss me. I just can't stop thinking this is all my fault, and that if I'd just been less or something or more of something or done something differently or better, he might still be here.
Art_Critic Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 No.. he still wouldn't be there.. The what if's are the hardest part about a breakup for someone who was invested as highly as you were.. You need to cut yourself some slack.. it wasn't your fault.. Accept the faults as they truly belong and use them as a springboard to something healthier in the future.. The first time I had sex after getting divorced I felt like I was cheating on her.. even though we had been separated 7 months and the divorce had been final months before I still couldn't get that crap out of my mind.. Till.... I finally did have sex.. then I said WTF.. you idiot... you divorced her and have moved on... High Five !!! The rest is history.. I never looked back after that day..
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