Looking for wisdom.

[Konfuzion]

Hello everyone, I have been reading a lot on these forums and have found some amazing advice but I was hoping to get some advise catered to my situation. So my goal in this situation is to get back together. So let me try to break this all down for you (gonna be a long read).

 

Before I met this girl I was happily single and had no intentions or desires of being in a relationship. The first time I saw my ex I grabbed my friends arm and I said "Oh no... I am going to marry that girl" the reason for the oh no part was that I was very happy being single. (this happened at work fyi) Then I didn't know if I would ever see her again, but a few weeks later she was back at work and had started working with me. She seemed to follow me around work and would always be near me, well after a few weeks we were dating and blah blah blah.

 

We had a great relationship free and wild we would take off for the weekend and go on a road trip or whatever. Then things started to get heavy, I found my children (their mother had abducted them) and a long legal battle ensued with which came financial hardship (about $60,000.00 on legal fees) and then I got full custody of my two children so my now ex became an instant Mother. I should mention she also was happily single and not looking for anyone, I am actually only her second serious relationship (shes turning 38). Anyway with all of the above burdens our relationship was affected and then we also have the normal difficulties which you face in any relationship.

 

I treated this woman like a queen I do all the cooking, I clean, I fix things, I bring her flowers at least monthly and I cherish her. People that we work with are always telling her how lucky she is to have me (they have tasted my cooking hehe) And I hear the same about her "shes so sweet" "your girl friend is beautiful" ex... Now everyone is telling her that she is making a bad decision, and that she will regret this...

 

Fast forward to present

 

Things were looking up for us so I though we had just moved into a new home and we are locked into a year long lease which neither one of us can afford alone, the children are doing good and they are happy.We have been together for 4 years at this point. We had been in this house for 2 weeks when she dropped the news that she could not be in this relationship anymore my jaw about hit the floor (note we had just got home from a date at a 4 star restaurant) she told me that she doesn't love me anymore and that she wants her freedom back. But she is sending me tons of mixed messages, she still calls me honey or babe small things make her cry and when I ask why she is crying she says she doesn't want to hurt me.

 

Here is where I need the help, she doesn't want to drop me and the children like a sack of potatoes and due to this lease we are locked into for a year I think the only option for us is to live together, so that is what we have been doing for a week now and boy is it hard on me. I just keep telling myself I have been here before and got threw it and I can do it again and that everything in life happens for a reason and there is always something better waiting on the other side. She has told me that when we do move apart that she wants to be active in the childrens life as she is the person they call Mom and she loves them. So in all of this there isnt any hard feelings, the two of us are getting along well except that we are both a little sad, she says shes sad cause she knows she is hurting me and that she doesn't want too. I should also mention now she has admitted commitment issues and I think that is part of the reason for the break up. I need advice on how to "be" in this house in a way that will be attractive and have her possibly rethink this breakup

 

What I have done so far is...

I put a flower on her desk every morning, and she always thanks me for it.

I am giving her space, and trying not to be too intrested in what she is doing.

I have told her a few times that I love her, and that I miss her. (I have stopped doing this).

I sat her down one time and told her I will only tell you this once "I would like another chance" (God I wish I didnt do this...)

and I think thats about it.

 

I would love any and all advice, just so you all know moving apart really isnt an opption (so dont advise that)

 

Thank you to all that took the time to read all of this

[me007]

I lived with my boyfriend for a few months after we broke up, so I know it can be difficult. The best thing you can do is give her space. Stop putting the flower on her desk every morning. The occasional compliment wouldn't hurt, but don't over do it. Start living your own life and focusing on yourself and your kids. When you and her spend time with your kids keep it friendly and be happy. I know it might be tempting every time you see her to ask for another chance or to keep doing nice things to win them back, but it seems that just pushes them further away.

 

 

This post here lists some things from McDonald's Stop Your Divorce book (I know you aren't getting divorced, but same thing applies) The agreeing part is pretty good advice to avoid arguments and tension. I don't recommend fully agreeing with the breakup because they can turn that back on you, instead you can say you are understanding of their decision. Everything else this advice can help work in your favor.

 

So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.

 

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.

 

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

 

This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

 

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

 

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

 

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

 

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

 

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

 

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”

“Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

[Konfuzion]

You rock, thanks for the advice. Thank you for taking the time and thank you for reading all of my bs

 

Your post is my new bible.

[Konfuzion]

me007 I love you, thank you so much for your message. I got that book that you linked and I am following the steps within it. I am happy (and its not just an act) I have a date tonight with a beautiful woman and I am quite shocked. I called my ex and I told her "you know your totally right about us breaking up this will never work, we have tried so hard for so long" she just let out a little gasp and then I went on to say "would you mind if I go out tonight" (cause she would be home alone with the kids so I have to ask). She said "on a date"? I said "yeah, is that ok"? She then said "yeah thats fine, may I ask who with"? "Oh its nobody you know, but her name is Yassmin". Then I hear some faint sniffles and I ask her if she was ok, she responded in a totaly new tone with a new demeaner "Its just hard thinking of us not together, and all the feelings that come with that." hahaha I got her!

 

We will see what happens from here, Best case would be Yassmin doesnt like me (so she doesnt get hurt) and my ex comes running back to me. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!

 

I am going to pm this to you as I am dont think you will look here

 

 

Uggg no private messaging here?!?!