Q for everyone: When Did You Start To See Your Dumper In a New (and bad) Light?

[megapositive]

Just curious about different people's experiences when it comes to that first time you turn a corner, pull yourself out of the worst of the depths of the shock and heartache of being dumped, and begin to see the dumper in a new light, their true colors, so to speak? This may pertain to people who've been dogged on by their ex, regardless of who did the actual dumping. Not only when, but what did it take to get there? Everyone's different, so there must be many different paths people here have all taken that end up in the same place.

 

It's taken me about a month and then one day I woke up, or at least got up (after weeks of no sleep) and something clicked inside, I could really see how he didn't care about the effects that his behavior had on me. That realization has pushed me forward quite a bit. The process that brought me to this realization wasn't strict NC. After the initial and typical lame conversations with him I went total NC for about 2.5 weeks. Then I responded with indifference to one of his 8 million texts to see how he'd behave, and to see how I would feel, if I could handle it. He behaved poorly and I couldn't really handle it. So I went NC for 3 or 4 days at a time until I could handle it. My goal was to see if he was going to behave as predictably as I thought and he didn't let me down! Then came the realization about how selfish he truly is. That gave me the strength to meet with him to watch his selfishness unfold before my very eyes (my now wide open eyes), and it was quite a show. I left meeting him feeling that my new insight was validated. I also had other mixed feelings, and I know that I am nowhere near the end of getting over him, but I've turned that first corner and it feels good. I am sure I'll slip backwards, but I'm now sure I'll also step forward again.

 

So what about other's out there? Perhaps it will be helpful to us all if we talk about the different paths that breaking up and moving toward getting over it can take.

[BCCA]

The first thing I try to do is de-personalize it. If they treated you like crap, it's not because it's you, it's because that's how they treat everyone else in the same situation. I try to remind myself that I can't depend on anyone else for my happiness, and sometimes I'll almost try and use a breakup as a (harsh) reminder. If someone else decides that their life is better off without me in it, how can I tell them they're wrong? And they'll only convince themselves that whatever they do is ok because 'it's just what they needed to do' so why am I even going to bother trying to convince them otherwise.

 

Next, I just get out there. I dont care where or with who, hit bars, talk to girls/guys, ask people out on dates...just generally enjoy some company and interactions with other women/men. I'm not saying go sleep with the first person you meet, but hell, if the opportunity is there I can promise you that you'll feel less of a sting about the ex if you go for it. Whether or not you chose to wait on sex and a relationship is up to you, but I'm telling you that getting out there and realizing that other people find you attractive, and that there ARE some hot single people out there makes it a little easier to take.

 

Then, I just pretty much cast my ex and everything about her out of my life completely. Im not interested in being friends, I dont care how shes doing, and I could care less if I ever see or hear from her again. I dont even get to indifference, its more like they're dead to me, and not even worth wasting a single thought on.

[ate_the_paint]

Hey mega, I like this thread!

 

Five months on and I'm able to look back with something close to 20/20 vision. My world is sooo completely different now than it was, say 8 months ago or even 4 months ago, so I can't quite put my finger on the exact moment when I started seeing my ex in a different light.

 

I went NC on her for about 3 weeks, and she kept calling and leaving messages but I just couldn't handle talking to her. Like your ex, mine was completely selfish and me going NC bruised her precious little ego. But it was too hard to talk to her, although I was an emotional wreck and thought about her all the time.

 

During this time I started to piece together that she had been having an affair, had treated me with an incredible lack of respect, and was being very childish. It was over this period that I slowly started to see her differently.

 

Then one day I picked up the phone and she wanted to get together for coffee, so I said okay, and I was really nervous, but when I saw her I realized what I had been slowly thinking for over a month: I didn't like this person before me!

 

Since then it's been a different world for me, like I said. Not easy, but not necessarily hard, either.

 

Anyways, I enjoyed writing that. Good thread!

[megapositive]

Congrats paint! Isn't it so liberating? Still a struggle, but liberating nonetheless.

 

It's true BCCA, getting out there and having a chance to find out that other people think you're attractive kind of pulls you outside of your shell, the shell in which you only think about the ex and the sadness/anger/pain. Makes you realize the world is still there and you can actually be a part of it sometime.

 

Hmmm, I guess we're not indifferent toward those who are dead to us... still sounds like anger?