Avoiding the 'ambiguous zone' - always tell the other person what you're looking for!

[Romeorocker]

In this post I want to discuss what I call the 'Ambiguous Zone'.

 

How many times have you met a member of the opposite sex, and you've been getting along really well, but then you think to yourself 'Does he/she like me in THAT way, or just as a friend?'.

 

The problem with most dating situations these days is that men and women just aren't honest and upfront with each other about their true desires and intentions. For example, you could meet a woman and get her phone number and think this means 'she likes you'....yet she might only want to be friends.

 

So the way out of this problem is to ALWAYS make it clear what you want from the other party.

 

So if you are only looking for a platonic friendship, tell them! If you're looking for a long term relationship, tell them! If you're looking for a fling and only want casual sex, be honest about this!

 

I feel that all these questions like 'Does he/she like me?' etc could be avoided if people made it clear RIGHT FROM THE START what they were looking for.

 

I know this from years of experience in field, meeting and dating en masse. After many painful and frustrating experiences where I met a girl and then 'beat around the bush', I decided to start being totally to the point about what I was looking for, right from the start.

 

As a result I very rarely get misled or strung along, and I sort out the women that want to be with me from those that just want to be friends, etc.

 

I don't know about you lot, but if I spend weeks 'courting' a woman, only to find out that all along she wanted to be 'just friends', I feel bitter and annoyed for wasting so much time and for her stringing me along. But whenever I push through fear and tell a woman upfront what I'm really looking for, I always feel fine, even if my interests are not reciprocated. I can just move onto another woman without wasting time, so I can eventually find someone who is genuinelly interested in me.

 

Discuss.

[melodymatters]

Completely agree. I don't waste my, or others time. somehow I always manage to do this without looking like either a slut, or a marriage hunter. I'm just F'in honest and it always seems to work out.

 

Good for you !

[audrey_1]

In this post I want to discuss what I call the 'Ambiguous Zone'.

 

How many times have you met a member of the opposite sex, and you've been getting along really well, but then you think to yourself 'Does he/she like me in THAT way, or just as a friend?'.

 

The problem with most dating situations these days is that men and women just aren't honest and upfront with each other about their true desires and intentions. For example, you could meet a woman and get her phone number and think this means 'she likes you'....yet she might only want to be friends.

 

So the way out of this problem is to ALWAYS make it clear what you want from the other party.

 

 

So, are you saying by *you* not being ambiguous, you are able to filter out those women who *would* be? Is the implication that if you say you only want a casual sex fling, and she sticks around, and sticks around some more, that she's a keeper and genuinely interested? Or that she's okay with the fact you only want sex, and that's also just all she wants?

 

 

So if you are only looking for a platonic friendship, tell them! If you're looking for a long term relationship, tell them! If you're looking for a fling and only want casual sex, be honest about this!

 

What if they say they want to be friends first, or just keep it casual and see where it leads? Then what???

 

 

I feel that all these questions like 'Does he/she like me?' etc could be avoided if people made it clear RIGHT FROM THE START what they were looking for.

 

I know this from years of experience in field, meeting and dating en masse. After many painful and frustrating experiences where I met a girl and then 'beat around the bush', I decided to start being totally to the point about what I was looking for, right from the start.

 

As a result I very rarely get misled or strung along, and I sort out the women that want to be with me from those that just want to be friends, etc.

 

I don't know about you lot, but if I spend weeks 'courting' a woman, only to find out that all along she wanted to be 'just friends', I feel bitter and annoyed for wasting so much time and for her stringing me along. But whenever I push through fear and tell a woman upfront what I'm really looking for, I always feel fine, even if my interests are not reciprocated. I can just move onto another woman without wasting time, so I can eventually find someone who is genuinelly interested in me.

 

 

How does this apply when YOU say you want casual sex or platonic friendship?

[Tony T]

I don't know about you lot, but if I spend weeks 'courting' a woman, only to find out that all along she wanted to be 'just friends', I feel bitter and annoyed for wasting so much time and for her stringing me along. But whenever I push through fear and tell a woman upfront what I'm really looking for, I always feel fine, even if my interests are not reciprocated. I can just move onto another woman without wasting time, so I can eventually find someone who is genuinelly interested in me.

 

Discuss.

 

I can sometimes take a number of dates to ascertain one's interest in another person. For men, who are generally visual, he can tell pretty quick if he wants to jump her bones but beyond that he will have no idea until he gets to know her.

 

You're best just moving from woman to woman. Holding onto the idea that you can just skip around from woman to woman quickly determining if she's Mrs. Right or not will not be productive for you. The practice may work for dogs and cats but not for people. They are a bit more complex than that.

 

I definitely back your idea of stating what your interest is, although I don't think it's appropriate on the first date. Your actions should speak pretty loudly for you. If you start listening to a female talk about her exes and how they hurt here, etc., etc., she'll put you in the friend box real quick. Insist that you don't want to talk about stuff like that but you want to talk about the two of you and how it might work.

[Shygirl15]

Until I get to fully know a person, it may be hard for me to know exactly what kind of relationship I want from them at the beginning.

 

Therefore your theory does not work for me, unfortunately.

[Romeorocker]

Until I get to fully know a person, it may be hard for me to know exactly what kind of relationship I want from them at the beginning.

 

Therefore your theory does not work for me, unfortunately.

 

YOU always know what you are looking for in the dating game. At this stage in your life right now, you're either looking for a) a long term relationship (or marriage), b) a fling/casual/open relationship, or c) just a platonic friendship.

 

Now, whenever you meet a member of the opposite sex, I believe we all immediately categorise the person as either someone we are attracted to sexually/romantically, or someone we are NOT attracted to.

 

But as to whether we want to be with said person EXCULSIVELY, this is something that has to be earned in my opinion. So you can be attracted to someone, but want to spend more time with them until you decide to become exclusive with them or not.

 

I think THIS is what you meant to say.

[JoeNewbie]

I don't entirely disagree with the idea but there are major obstacles to keep in mind.

 

First of all, flirting/dating IS ambiguous. If things were clear right from the start, it would be rather boring.

 

Secondly, showing your cards right away will scare a lot of people away.

 

While there is a lot of ambiguity on the table, men and women still give out pretty strong signals and it requires quite a bit of intellect to put everything into perspective.

 

I think clearly saying what you are looking for works... for people who are desperate.

[Romeorocker]

So, are you saying by *you* not being ambiguous, you are able to filter out those women who *would* be? Is the implication that if you say you only want a casual sex fling, and she sticks around, and sticks around some more, that she's a keeper and genuinely interested? Or that she's okay with the fact you only want sex, and that's also just all she wants?

 

I've found from my own experience that if I am totally upfront and honest with a woman about my intentions, one of the following things will happen:-

 

A) She straightforwardly acknowledges my desires, and tells me hers are the same....OR....

 

B) She straightforwardly tells me she's not interested or doesn't have the same desires as me....OR....

 

C) She 'pretends' not to have the same desires as me....yet she continues to be with me and eventually acts on them anyway....for example if I say I only want casual sex, very rarely will a woman say 'Ok, let's jump into bed now!'. No, usually the woman will play games, become a challenge, etc. But if her body and actions are doing one thing, and her words or saying another, then I look at what she DOES not what she SAYS as being the true indicator.

 

What if they say they want to be friends first, or just keep it casual and see where it leads? Then what???

 

If someone says they want to be 'friends first', you have to establish whether that means:-

 

1) they only see you in a platonic way and want to let you down gently,

....OR......

 

2) they are sexually/romantically attracted to you, but want to get to know you before they decide whether they should commit to you exculsively. In my opinion, exclusivity is something that has be earned, so it's fine to spend time getting to know someone before commiting to an exclusive relationship.

 

If someone wants to 'keep it casual and see where it leads', then you need to establish whether:-

 

1) they only want you for casual sex, but are pretending to want a a relationship so that they can string you along but still get sex.....OR....

 

2) they are genuinelly interested in having a long term relationship, but want to get to know you before committing to you exclusively, but also want to enjoy sex with you in the meantime.

 

In all the cases mentioned above, YOU need to decide what is acceptable and what is not for you.

 

 

How does this apply when YOU say you want casual sex or platonic friendship?

 

See above answer C) for how this applies when I say I want casual sex. As for platonic friendship....I've found I can only ever be friends with a girl who I ONLY wanted to be friends with. If I was attracted to her sexually/romantically and she told me she 'only liked me as a friend', I would find it hard to be 'just friends', knowing in truth I liked her as more than that. I am sure the exact same applies for women towards men.

[monkey00]

Although I've never been the one to be upfrontly blunt with my intentions off the bat I do agree somewhat. The longer you talk with a woman whether online or in person, the deeper into the friends zone you fall.

 

I've always been an advocate of using the phone only to set up dates..not talk and bore someone to death killing the mystery in the early stages of dating.

 

I think the best way to approach this topic about moving from meeting the girl to going somewhere romantic with her is to ask her out. After building rapport, ask her out..it's that simple. If she says yes, she's interested. If she makes excuses with no counter-offer then she either isn't interested, 50 - 60% interested, or playing hard to get. If she says she has a bf, then it's obvious.

 

Girls that are really interested in a guy usually don't play hard to get, from my experience anyway. So imo that's the easiest way to weed out the flakes, just ask them out and make a move. Doing both will secure their intentions.

 

as for the ambigious zone...well sometime's you'll never know. Some girls are so inexperienced that they want to be friends first with a guy and know them really well before deciding to be exclusive.