My ex is engaged

[amytct]

This is a long story, so bear with me.

 

My ex and I dated for three years, from Feb. 2002 to Feb. 2005. He dumped me with the silent treatment, we tried again and he dumped me with the silent treatment a second time.

 

In September 2005, I relocated to another state for a new job and moved on with my life. I did occasionally Google him to see what he was up to, but overall, I kept busy and didn't think about him much.

 

Nearly two years ago, I noticed that he was posting comments on my blog. And then one night we were both in Yahoo! chat and started talking again.

 

We were then e-mailing each other quite frequently and had many chats, many of which ventured into, shall we say, intimate talk. He asked me quite a few times about "getting together" when I was on vacation and would be coming back to my home state and to see my family. I never accepted those invites because he was only interested in one thing and I didn't think it was wise to go down that road again.

 

We had been chatting up until about a month ago, right before I left on vacation.

 

When I got back, there were no messages from him (I was offline during my vacation) and I haven't heard from him since I got back the last week in August, although he did try to contact me in chat on Aug. 26 (I was offline and missed him.)

 

This past Monday, I get home from work and start reading my RSS feeds, one of which is his Flickr page. Imagine my surprise when I see photos from a camping trip he recently took, photos which included a woman and a closeup photo of her hand wearing the engagement ring he had given her. He had written "She said yes, so my days of being single are over."

 

I know many of you will be saying to yourself, what did you expect? Believe me, I know. I let him into my life again and once again, he kicked me to the curb like a piece of trash. He knew I subscribed to his Flickr page and knew I would see the photos and find out this way. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

 

Also, since he was chatting with me less than a month ago, he either had a very quick relationship or he had been seeing and getting serious with another woman the whole time he was suggesting getting together with me and having sex.

 

I should say I've heard nothing from him since I got back from vacation, so apparently he has realized he needs to be committed to the woman he is marrying.

 

I'm feeling really hurt, questioning what is it about her that made him want to marry her but not marry me, which I know is an exercise in futility. I have to move forward, but I'm really having trouble right now getting out of the funk I'm in.

 

And the worst part is, I let it all happen, again.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Wow, how awful! I feel horrible for you.

 

The only advice I can offer is to try to look at it from a different perspective.

 

First, you are right - he either moved lightning fast with this girl, or was dating her while speaking suggestively with you. Either option isn't good.

 

If it is a new relationship, I'd be really skeptical that one that short could be something meaningful and healthy. If he was dating her while talking to you, then he's a two-timing cad and a cheating jerk at that.

 

Plus, the message he wrote isn't exactly teeming with romance. "...so my days of being single are over"? It sounds like his goal was to "stop being single" rather than find the love of his life. Sure, people can fall instantly in love and have happy, healthy marriages, but that rarely happens, and my guess is that he was dating her the whole time he was chatting with you anyway.

 

So, either you didn't get an immature, emotionally stunted man who can't be alone or you didn't get an immature, emotionally stunted cheater.

 

Either way, you dodged a bullet. I know it's hard to see that, but you really did. Focus less on why he didn't want to marry you (maybe he knew you'd see through his crap?) and more on how lucky you are. Especially that you're not her.

[BCCA]

I doubt he wanted you to see those photos. His hand was probably forced a bit by the fiance. He couldnt rationally explain why he wouldn't mention his engagement in any public forum, she wouldn't stand for it. He was probably banking on him talking to you being enough to keep you from looking at his pages. And he obviously only wanted sex, and for someone who broke your heart twice, how much more shallow and insensitive can you get? He had one last chance to be a decent person, but instead chose to really hammer home the point that he's a selfish jerk.

 

What a dirtbag. I'm so sorry, it's guys like that that give all of us a bad rep. I hope you can see how much better off you are, and how lucky you should consider yourself that ring isn't going on your finger. He'll get his one day, believe me.

[amytct]

Thank you both your for your reply.

 

I was logged in to Gmail last night and he was there, but idle. While I was talking to another friend, he became available and stayed for about 30 seconds before logging out (I assume because he saw I was there.)

 

I did type an e-mail to him that I don't intend to send. I read that's a good way of letting out your frustrations without making yourself look worse.

 

The best and only thing I can do is let this go. I know that. Unfortunately a big problem I've always had is that my head and heart are on different plains. Hopefully my heart will catch up soon.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts and support. They really helped.

[Rooster_DAR]

Yup, you have to let it go. I say the odds of things going sour with them are high for some of the reasons you stated. Concentrate on yourself, and being a better person for yourself and everyone around you, that's the best way to heal and get revenge.

 

Good luck,