Married two months... my troubles....

[Hercules]

Hi all,

 

I've been married to my wife for about two months now... and we've had a fair share of ups and downs in the three years leading up to the marriage. In the end, I do really love and care about her, and we went through with it. I have never known how strongly she felt about me, and she has her moments where I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world, and others where she makes me feel stupid and small, and that I should feel thankful to be with her.

 

We have been together for three years, with a break of about 9 months between that period. We had a family dispute (both our families are Muslim) and our dating period was cut short -- and eventually I fought with my parents to get it back on track. It was probably my fault early on, but if parents aren't involved, it really doesn't get far anyway and I didn't want to waste her time and opportunity.

 

We are different people in many ways. I'm a simple guy, I enjoy simple things. If I watch a movie once a week, I am pretty happy. I play video games, watch some TV, and I enjoy political conversations and research as a hobby of mine. My wife who is 5 years my junior (she's 22, I am 27), came from a different lifestyle. Her parents bought her pretty much anything she wanted. She would frequently go out to clubs with her girlfriends which I never really approved of -- I always thought it was kind of a lowbrow thing to do, especially if she was in a committed relationship. There was a point in our relationship that she concocted lies about where she was and I later found out, just so she could spend a night at the club. She was in college -- I don't know whether it was my insecurity or whatever to not want her to go, but I never felt comfortable with it -- and I always communicated that.

 

We spent almost our entire relationship on the phone -- it was long distance, for a long three years. I'd see her now and again, but it was difficult. Again, this is a cultural thing too, but I'm not going to get too far into it. Needless to say when we married, I was a virgin and so was she. Our sex life generally speaking, has been fantastic. She is willing to please, and I'm willing to do the same.

 

My problems might seem inconsequential to most, and that's why I'm giving as much background as I can think to... but it's very worrying for me. Her family is monsterous -- and they all lived within spitting distance of her home. Every day, people would swarm in and out of her house, cousins, family, etc. She always had people around her, and in my home it is quite the opposite. Nobody ever comes over. Once a week we'll make a trip out somewhere and that's about it. And given that her school won't start now until January, she is lonely at home alone while I go to work all day long.

 

The wedding was monsterous too. On her side, there were 600+ people that her parents paid for to come. And at the end of it, all the money that they spent they didn't have. So the gifts were got at the end of the wedding, we gave back to her parents to pay for it all. I have to admit I found great anger when her father came over to me telling me how he was going to buy a new truck, only a few days before the wedding.

 

The reception is what I paid for with my family. We had to accomodate many of her family to come, and it came to about 200 people. There were lots of arguments about what my family was doing, and it would always come down to "Well this is what my family expects, and I don't care!". So we accomodated her in every way. The menu was catered to what she wanted, the seating, you name it. I actually cut people off my guest list in order to accomodate her family entirely, as they came from a very long way off. After it was all said and done, with the gifts, I still have a signifigant debt from the wedding. It's not unsurmountable, but it will take me time to pay off. You can imagine with her current spending habits, what I will be saying soon.. wait for it

 

I pay our rent, our bills, our gas, our fun money (the little I try to keep). For her birthday, which was only a few days ago, I wanted to make it really special... and so I wound up spending over $600 on her. It was irresponsible of me, and she was pretty happy about it. I felt it was worth the investment into her happiness.

 

My sister's birthday (she's 7 years my junior) is in october, and while I bought her tickets to Coldplay (me and my wife are going too, so it was kind of an 'addon' birthday ticket), I suggested to my wife that I get her a new laptop if my parents went in half way with me... it's a $400 laptop, an IBM Netbook -- nothing fancy. Hers was on its last legs and she needed a new one. My wife let me suggest it to my parents, and agreed with me on it. Then the next day, she came to me and said "i want a new ipod" (she just pour Goof Off on hers and ruined the face of it). I said jokingly, well if I sell some **** I can get you one. Then she immediately threw what I was thinking of doing for my sister in my face. "Why are you spending so much money on your family?"

 

I went off on her. Since we've been married she hasn't bothered to look for a job, leaves the apartment a mess, and sits on Facebook any time I'm with her. She watches MTV which to me is like my IQ getting lowered on a regular basis -- I humor her. I can't relate to that kind of stuff -- hell, I am five years older than her. So I got really annoyed. She knows my financial situation and regardless of it, she married me. But she started off similar like she would with her parents. And as a side note -- her mom gave her a credit card to use (which I'm sure she does) to buy everything she 'wants'. She came home to me once and said "Oh I went to the mall and bought XYZ for $100 because it was really cute." And I told her to return it, because I can't budget for **** that is simply "cute". I want to pay off my bills without racking up more and more, and responsibility is something she is simply not used to.

 

I yelled at her for a few minutes. I was just fed up. No job, no inclination to look for one. I understand she's far from home. I understand her friends are not nearby. I understand she can't spend money like water. There's a lot of things I take into consideration and it's why I waited two months to even bother with this conversation of telling her to get something done with her life. Her school doesn't start until January (she missed the cutoff for now), and all she tells me is that "You don't understand."

 

At which point is this true, and that she is hurt and lonely and scared and etc... and when does it become an excuse? I'm trying hard on my part, I'm working 10 hours a day, trying to pay off the debt I accumulated to make her and her family happy during the wedding, and at the same time, still try to take her out and do some small things like movies and dinner out once a week to keep both our sanity.

 

Sorry... I'm just struggling for answers. I'm new at being married and I know I'll make mistakes -- I'll always admit that. I just don't know how to deal with somebody who says that her emotions are so great that she is unable to do anything useful at all.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Wow, you sound like a fun guy.

 

A few things struck me about your post; you say she sometimes makes you feel stupid and small, but then you use terms like "lowbrow" and that humoring her idea of entertainment 'lowers your IQ". Um, makes me think that perhaps she belittles you in retaliation for your comments. Even if you don't say those words to her, she likely knows what you think. I was once married to a guy who thought he was much better, more 'cultured' than I, and all I can say is that it took me finding his mug shot online to convince me that he was, indeed, wrong. That was a decade after I left him, of course, but still...being belittled like that chips away at your soul. So I think your wife knows that you believe you married 'beneath you', and I don't know if you can recover from that until you realize that it simply isn't true.

 

If she starts school in January, what kind of job do you expect her to get now? Most employers won't invest in the hiring of an employee if they know she'll be leaving in three months.

 

I will tell you this: marriage is hard, and the early years are the hardest. Money is an issue if you make it one. I suggest you don't. You two should be working together with a plan for your family (which you are, now, even without babes yet), and it requires BOTH of your input. Trying to be the man who earns and controls the money will make you very unhappy in the end. Ask for her input on a budget that she can live with. Then require her to follow it. My husband and I worked out a dollar limit that can't be spent without mutual agreement. Try that.

 

Also, you married a woman who you knew liked clubbing and was spoiled. To expect her to change after putting a ring on her finger is disingenuous at best, just plain controlling at worst. Good luck.

[norajane]

Yes, that's pretty much the sort of thing you could expect to happen when two people who haven't been around each other much get married. You will need time to figure out how to make it work.

 

The thing for both of you to always keep in mind is that you are a team now, so you need to start acting like a team if you want to win.

 

Yes, she's a spoiled princess who was adored by lots of family, and now she's in a new country with just you. She hasn't been with you very long, and it's ok that she take some time to settle in.

 

Yes, you're feeling overwhelmed at the responsibility of supporting someone, overwhelmed with her family, her lifestyle, and all that for someone who is in some ways a stranger to you.

 

So the team part: you have to open up and let her in. Have you ever sat down with her to make a budget? Discussed with her in detail how much income you two have, savings, debts? Talked about how to set aside money to pay down those debts each month, while still setting aside a little bit for fun every week? Ask her and listen to what her thoughts are about all elements of your finances. She's part of the team and her needs and wants will not always match yours. You both need to find a way to compromise while dealing with the reality of the numbers.

 

Team part 2: Enjoy the fun budget with her - go out with your wife! I know you said you don't like to go out to clubs, but maybe you'd feel differently about it now that you're out with her. Maybe you'd have fun with her.

 

Team part 3: You're newlyweds! And she's new to the country. Take her out and show her all the places in your city that are special to you. Start inviting friends over for Sunday brunch each week - that way you both get to know each other's friends and she gets to have caring people around like she did back home. Become a part of each other's lives rather than two people stuck together haphazardly.

 

Team part 4: Always give each other the benefit of the doubt. Interpret everything the other person does in the kindest, more generous manner possible.

[Fell_on_black_days]

I come from somewhat of a muslim and arab background myself, my father is arab and my mother is american, but i still know exactly what you mean about the cultural issues like the wedding and the fact that she is a spolied daddy's girl. i think most of the arab girls are like that. what is very sad is that their husbands end up hating themselves, having to maintain that lifestyle and upkeep that kind of behaviour puts so much pressure on them i am suprised they dont crack.

 

This is early into your marriage, and even though she has been used to a certain way of living and spending, she needs to understand that she doesnt live with daddy anymore, and her mom giving her a credit card is a bad idea, she chose you and she should accept you for what you are and what you can afford, her mom is making things worse and you need to put your foot down on that credit card thing.

 

she needs to have a budget and stick to it, let her know how much you really have and how much you are in debt and need to pay off, let her get an understanding of it, even though i am pretty sure she has never paid a bill in her life. it is never too late to start. she obvioulsy is still in college so she cant get a job now, but since she is not contributing to the household she doesnt need to make it worse either. and it should be expected of her to get a job and put that education to work. let her know that whatever money she earns means more money for her shopping sprees, ofcourse not all of her earnings, but at least that gives her some motivation to work.

 

let her know you guys are a team, and holding back on some luxury items like an ipod, will pay off in the long run, but if you keep spending like this you will never see retirement. and this is after all for the benefit of you both and your children Inshallah.

 

one last thing, try not to snap at her, its just gonna make things worse. i understand your frustration, just try to sit with her and really open up and explain things to her, i know hard that can be for some you young arab men. but try to do so. you sound like a reasonable guy to me and you obviously had done so much to accomodate her and her family and she needs to understand that as well. but it is early into your marriage so this is a good time to set some ground rules.

 

good luck

[rickyjonson]

Hi

guys I am ricky jonson. I am single so I do not have knowledge about married life troubles. So please give more information about this topic.

 

 

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[dannydrifter]

She is from the States and she moved to your country overseas? Or is it the other way around? These kinds of girls are tough.. always yapping on the phone with their moms all day long! Just be strong and patient. At least you are married and have a nice wife, because being married is a great thing IMO. But it sure is a lot of work, it can be stressful. But the rewards are great too. It takes a while to get used to the married life. Since you guys had a long distance relationship, it might be a little more challenging. So my advice is, just be patient and try not to get too stressed or worried. It will probably take you guys at least 1 year living together to get more used to each other, and the first year of marriage can be hard.

 

But that's ok, you love each other and remember we all have to go through this stuff at one time or another. Perhaps ask your wife to get a part time job. Maybe you should have a kid, she will definitely not be bored at home anymore! Good luck to you.