TopCop15 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I have a friend that is definitely dealing with depression. It is hard to deal with because he has had a history of attacking his closest friends (including me) with character assassinations. He has gone as far as accusing my accomplishments in life as bold faced lies so there probably is a bit of jealousy too. He has also cut up almost every person he encounters behind their backs. Here is some background info regarding his state: He is 22 and has recently graduated from college. I have known him for almost five years now and he has been a real good friend with me up until last year. He entered into a toxic relationship with a girl and accused her and I of having an affair while he was away studying abroad. If I was guilty of anything, it was that the i honored his wishes and looked after her while he was gone. He wanted me to take her places to socialize, I obliged. Nothing further than basic platonic hanging out. When he returned, he was fine for a few weeks then the accusations of infidelity came. He hit rock bottom. Eventually, we talked things out and reconciled. He went to see a therapist for a month and he was back to normal. The root of the problem was the girlfriend. He dumped her and moved on. He went on to date another girl whom I was already friends with. Again, it did not work out, she broke up with him through a text msg. At this point, he vowed to be anti-social for awhile with everyone in our group so he could collect his thoughts. The group again obliged only to find out that he accused two of us for purposely ignoring him. We again worked things out and he was fine. Lately, however, the vicious cycle may begin again. He has been real frustrated with work. You see he was offered a promotion recently, but turned it out for reasons only known to him. We encouraged him to take it knowing all too well how frustrated he was with his current work status. In a way, we wish he would either quit or transfer so he won't be so stressed out all of the time. He has been moody everyday and turning to alcohol. A lot of people are saying he is too emotional and he needs to 'man' up and are turning the other cheek. I, on the other hand, would like to help him, because it is obvious he is depressed with life in general (Socially and mentally). He leaves for Europe for a position within his school in a few months, which if he had his way would be permanent. Any ways to help him through this rough patch?? I just fear that he will attack us again for no reason whatsover. What I fear the most, is that he is a master of persuasion and am afraid he might bring some of my friends down his misery cycle.
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Tell me about his good qualities. What you've shared are indeed classic signs of depression. Has he been clinically diagnosed? He may require meds in addition to therapy, but only he can make those choices. The important thing to understand is you can't "fix" him. If you wish to support him, you'll have to alter the typical male approach of problem solving and merely accept his condition while remaining true to your personal boundaries. IOW, as an example, do not tolerate any abuse from him, if that's your boundary. Merely tell him it's unacceptable behavior and you won't tolerate it. Otherwise, accept his rantings as venting and let them pass without significant comment. Support him with your consistent presence. You're a good friend. He's fortunate
Author TopCop15 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 He was clinically diagnosed, but stopped taking meds and seeing his therapist after a month or so. I kind of wish he'd go back. Tell me about his good qualities. Well, he over the years has been my confidant and always has been there for support when I needed it. I remember when my grandma died a few years ago, he was willing to make the three hour trip up to see if my family and I were alright. Out of all my friends, he's the one who organized my graduation parties and surprise birthday parties. Ever since then, I do feel he has changed, he no longer is the happy go lucky guy, he is pretty much negative all of the time. I might have had a breakthrough today though. Today, he was giving me the third degree regarding my new job. His responses seemed like he didn't believe me. So, I called him out on it, how I feel that I don't appreciate how he second guesses things I have done and how it hurts my feelings. I really opened up and told him how I felt. He didn't realize that he was interrogating me and those were not his intentions. It was just his way of showing interest. I apologized for taking his questions the wrong way.. I'm glad we spoke, but I just don't trust him completely yet. It was a small step I hope. I know we sound like girls, but hey that is the drama of my life.
carhill Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I'll let you in on a little secret.... men, especially as they age, can develop really close friendships with other men and become a lot more emotionally open. The key is knowing that each other is safe to be vulnerable and it isn't perceived as a competitive disadvantage, since men typically compete with each other for everything, even if friends. It's getting beyond that which allows true friendships to develop, those which can last a lifetime. If your handle is indicative of your profession, I have no doubt you know what I mean BTW, support and challenge are hallmarks of a good friend. Good on ya for doing both with your friend.... and speaking up about your boundaries...
Author TopCop15 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 Thanks for the insight. I still feel helpless though. He showed up to work two and a half hours late today which is totally uncharacteristic of him. He told me he had a rough night as he got hammered and got into it with his family. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything and he said no. As a group we all hang out on Thursdays, maybe he will be fine by then and we can all talk to him. I think a lot has to do with that he is getting burned out at home and at work (Today was his 7th day in a row). I guess the only thing left for me to do is be there when he needs someone to talk to...if that even happens at all.
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