Karma101 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I've posted my story here. My BF of 9 months had been separated from his wife for about 1.5 years due to infidelity on her part. Sometime between last Wed and Fri, they not only decided to reconcile, but also told their children. I've had some contact with him this week. Today he told me that she is wearing her ring again. Seems so fast. Just 2 weeks ago, we were together, making plans, etc. (and she was still with her BF), and now... I know, I know... I don't deserve to be his Plan B. Guess I'm still in a bit of shock over all this. As much as it hurts, I think I needed to hear that she seems finally committed to saving their marriage. Through my own unbearable heartache, I only want him to be happy. I have to respect his decision. I wish my my heart would catch up with my head...
BCCA Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I'm sorry to hear that. Even though you seem to be thinking about it the right way, I have no doubt it sucks. The hardest part is not taking it personally, but you seem to be on board with him doing whatever makes him happiest. Everyone knows the "dont be plan b" bit, but it doesnt really help make you feel any better. It's true, but hard to handle. One day, your heart will catch up with your head, and this will be water under the bridge. Just do what you can to pass the time until then.
sunshinegirl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Ouch, karma, I'm really sorry to hear that. I know nothing really helps when the pain is so fresh like this... I don't know if you find it to be any consolation that their kids might have a chance of growing up in an intact home...? In a strange way when my XBF and his wife were doing one last ditch reconciliation effort in May 2007, I respected him for trying to do the right thing. It hurt much worse when he broke up with me in May 2008 because he was completely disrespectful, and he was running into the arms of some woman from work. Not to compare pain with pain, though: it all sucks. (((hugs)))
tealeafbud Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Through my own unbearable heartache, I only want him to be happy. I have to respect his decision. I wish my my heart would catch up with my head... This is a great attitude Karma. I applaud those words and your courage. It will only make you heal faster and get over the heartache faster. I hope you can share your experiences on the board.
Author Karma101 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 I don't know if you find it to be any consolation that their kids might have a chance of growing up in an intact home...? I absolutely do! My own parents divorced when I was pretty young. It was hard. I have spent quite a bit of time with his children during our time together. They are wonderful. I wish nothing more for them than a happy, dual parent home.
Author Karma101 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 sunshinegirl, so you guys broke up, he went back to his wife and they only lasted two weeks?!? And then you guys got back together and he broke up with you again?!? I'm sorry. So they told the kids last week (2 days after deciding to reconcile) and today he told me that she's wearing her ring again, though they are not living together. Yet. Talk about fast. Guess I needed to hear that...
sunshinegirl Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 sunshinegirl, so you guys broke up, he went back to his wife and they only lasted two weeks?!? And then you guys got back together and he broke up with you again?!? I'm sorry. So they told the kids last week (2 days after deciding to reconcile) and today he told me that she's wearing her ring again, though they are not living together. Yet. Talk about fast. Guess I needed to hear that... This is the whole timeline: Fall 2006: we meet through mutual friends. He's separated...she cheated on him...I'm wary.Feb 2007: we start dating. They're still separated, no divorce papers filed yet. I periodically check in on why they haven't filed; I get vague answers "we're just lazy about this kind of thing."May 2007: his 5 year old daughter has massive freakout - "I want mommy and daddy to live together again, I don't want to have two houses". Two days later he breaks up with me because he thinks he needs to give his marriage one last shot for his daughter's sake. Meanwhile his wife has been seeing/with the Other Man for 2-3 years. July 2007: he comes back to me saying the reconciliation was a total failure, he's totally sure the marriage is over; they file paperwork. We get back together. He is terrible about communicating status updates to me; I only learn where the proceedings are if I ask.April 2008: the divorce is finalized. He tells me, anticlimactically, over drinks one night. He acts unaffected. Two weeks later his now ex-wife informs him she is going to marry the OM. Unbeknownst to us, or at least me at this point, she is pregnant.May 2008: Two weeks after the remarriage news, Eric cheats on me and leaves me, claiming he's not sure he loves me, isn't sure he wants to get remarried or have more kids, and plus he's been 'hanging out' with someone from work.
Author Karma101 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 It is downright frightening how similar our stories our! Right down to the daughter freak out - my XBF's 15 yo daughter did the same thing this Summer. My XBF's wife also cheated on him and reamined in the relationship for 1.5 years. Oh, and they only ended their relationship less than a week before this reconciliation that happened over night last week. Do you still hear from Eric? I've had contact with my X this week, which is how I found out about the ring, etc. I get the whole I miss you, think about you, etc. combined with I know I'm doing the right thing for my family (by reconciling)... I know he has to do this. Even if it doesn't work, he has to know he tried. How are you doing? Better? Pls give me hope. This pain sucks!
sunshinegirl Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It is downright frightening how similar our stories our! Right down to the daughter freak out - my XBF's 15 yo daughter did the same thing this Summer. My XBF's wife also cheated on him and reamined in the relationship for 1.5 years. Oh, and they only ended their relationship less than a week before this reconciliation that happened over night last week. Do you still hear from Eric? I've had contact with my X this week, which is how I found out about the ring, etc. I get the whole I miss you, think about you, etc. combined with I know I'm doing the right thing for my family (by reconciling)... I know he has to do this. Even if it doesn't work, he has to know he tried. How are you doing? Better? Pls give me hope. This pain sucks! F*** no I don't hear from Eric. He's with the hooch and remember, he decided back in May that he wasn't in love with me. I'm certainly better now than I was in May but I'm not out of the woods yet. Sucks to say it, probably sucks more to hear it but: with time things will get better...
Author Karma101 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 It has been a tough AM. I wonder if it would make it easier if he told me that he did not love me anymore, etc. He continues to tell me how much he loves me, misses me, etc. His last message said that, in his head, he knew he was doing the right thing but his heart was slow to follow. I am conflicted with guilt. As much as I want him to be happy and do right by his family, a small part of me can't help but also hope for their reconciliation to fail miserably. And then, realizing how difficult it is to put a broken marriage back together after infidelity, prolonged separation, etc., I realize the odds are somewhat against them. And then my heart aches that he may end up hurt again...
tealeafbud Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I am conflicted with guilt. As much as I want him to be happy and do right by his family, a small part of me can't help but also hope for their reconciliation to fail miserably. And then, realizing how difficult it is to put a broken marriage back together after infidelity, prolonged separation, etc., I realize the odds are somewhat against them. And then my heart aches that he may end up hurt again... i also feel guilt, but it is for leaving my ex-fiance after a very long term relationship. What i've learned is to minimize the guilt as much as I can, because I can't truly get rid of it 100%. It's always going to be there, but I'm not going to let it affect me. I guess it's a sign I haven't 100% gotten over her which is ok. I also understand how you feel about the small part of you wishing misery to their reconciliation. See, my ex fell for some guy after we had started talking (post break up) and then we decided that being friends wasn't the best idea. Anyway, I think part of the healing process is when you start feeling indifferent about the ex. You know, not even caring what they are up to and not even wanting to know. I know it's a long process, but any way you get there is going to be a struggle. I guess a key to getting there is focusing on yourself and making that realization that you need to move on.
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