4givrnt4gtr Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 So ive been thinking about my relationship. Ive posted many threads about my concerns and fears, about whether he sees me as this or that, whether he would have my back or not given a bad situation, whether I should be upset about this or that etc. Ive been having a lot of struggle deciding whether I should end the relationship, even though I dont really want to. Its quite obvious Im not sure about his feelings for me, despite his reasurance. On top of that Im not sure his family will ever accept me, and I think he will either not be strong enough to go against their wishes, or in the case he does go against his wishes and marry me, I dont want to have a hostile in law family. On the opposite side, he has bring a lot of great things into my life. He believes in me and completely supports me when it comes to reaching my dreams. He has been my biggest supporter when I told him I wanted to go back to school and get my masters degree, and whenever Ive had any doubts or fears he helps me pull through. He's helped me get things done whenever Im afraid to do them by supporting me and reassuring me I was making the right decision, especially when the choices were hard to make. He tells me he is very proud of me and helps me be disciplined which is very hard for me to be. On top of that he is very sweet and affectionate, and takes care of me when I need him, even if i doubt he will. So....Im not sure what to do. I really love this guy, but Im afraid I may make a mistake and end up royally screwed. How do you decide when to break up with someone. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt...I really dont want to....but what if its the right thing to do??
megapositive Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Have you talked to him about all of this? I don't mean in a way that is asking him about his feelings for you, but really shared all that's on your mind?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 Have you talked to him about all of this? I don't mean in a way that is asking him about his feelings for you, but really shared all that's on your mind? Well kinda. He is the one that tells me his family is iffy about us. That they much rather like him to be with a girl from his culture. And that this could be a problem for us in the future as he wont go against his family. But as of right now he says "lets go with the flow". Ive met his mom and she seems really nice, but I know she has huge fears, which are understandable given the situation. Regarding his feelings he says that he just isnt sure about what is going to happen and that scares him. That he likes me very much, and that he can see himself marrying me, but that he is afraid of the future. That when he is with his family he sees how very Indian they are and it scares him that i wont fit in. That he just tries to live one day at a time and let things happen. obviously this doesnt reassure me very much....but then i see how he treats me every day and how much he cares for me and it gives me hope. Its all just so confusing...in one hand i feel like i shouldnt be in this position, that If im going to be in a relationship, i should be relaxed and enjoying it, sure that the person im with isnt having serious doubts about our future, and worst of all, not even because of me, so its not like i can change anything. Along those lines, I know that if i were to get accidentally pregnant I would have to deal with it by myself. I asked him last night if he wanted me to tell him (at the begining of the relationship i had said i wasnt going to, that id just disappear and have the baby by myself since he would rather me have an abortion). He said "i dont know". All that irks me out and makes me feel like i should get out before i get hurt, but then I love the way we get along and have so much fun together, sometimes we even talk about how to raise kids etc. Its too confusing!
megapositive Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Hmmm, this is a tough one, I feel for you. The one biggest thing that stands out is what you wrote about if you got pregnant. Could you really handle such a thing all alone? Regardless of his culture, any guy should be there if his significant other got pregnant, because it is both of you who would be pregnant, not just you alone. That to me is a big sign that at the end of the day, as you said, he will do what his family wants and not what is best for you as a couple. The question seems to be do you break it off now and go through the terrible pain, or do you wait and go through it later, which means it will be even more difficult because of all the time involved and emotional intimacy. Have you asked him when his family expects him to get married? I have had very close Indian friends, and while a timeline is stricter for the females, there are usually expectations placed upon the males as well. Does his family have anyone in mind for him (often they do). Knowing these answers might give you some perspective, as well as open up lines of communication between you two that will really start letting him see how serious and deep-rooted these concerns are of yours.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 Hmmm, this is a tough one, I feel for you. The one biggest thing that stands out is what you wrote about if you got pregnant. Could you really handle such a thing all alone? Regardless of his culture, any guy should be there if his significant other got pregnant, because it is both of you who would be pregnant, not just you alone. That to me is a big sign that at the end of the day, as you said, he will do what his family wants and not what is best for you as a couple. The question seems to be do you break it off now and go through the terrible pain, or do you wait and go through it later, which means it will be even more difficult because of all the time involved and emotional intimacy. Have you asked him when his family expects him to get married? I have had very close Indian friends, and while a timeline is stricter for the females, there are usually expectations placed upon the males as well. Does his family have anyone in mind for him (often they do). Knowing these answers might give you some perspective, as well as open up lines of communication between you two that will really start letting him see how serious and deep-rooted these concerns are of yours. Thank you for your reply... Well actually he is a bit past the time they wanted him to get married. he is 30 and he has so far bassically told them to back off. They had tried to set him up a few times but he has refused and last time we talked about this he said that the only way he would go off and marry someone he doesnt know is if his heart gets broken. Im the only girl he has ever brought home. He was nervous about it because he didnt want to deal with the questions and looks but in the end he did it, without me even asking him to. In fact when he told me he wanted me to meet his mom a few months ago he said he wanted us to move forward in our relationship so he wanted me to meet them. Its confusing and difficult...and Im hoping for the best, but sometimes i wonder if maybe i should just give up and stop this limbo...sometimes i wish i was in a relationship with someone who, no matter who said what, knew that he wanted to be with me 100%....
megapositive Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Geez, this is a really tough situation you're in! I wish others would offer their opinions and experiences if they have been in anything similar!
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