Taliena Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Hello, my husband and I have been together for almost 4 years, we recently married back in April. We have had two children together. Our first was born in 2006 but passed away 7 weeks later to SIDS. Our second child, a girl, will be 1 this Sunday. Our relationship has had it ups and downs, but we have always remained strong through everything. I figured if we can bury our first born together we can overcome anything together. About a month ago, my best friend, male, who I lost touch with after high school came back into the picture after we found eachother on myspace. I never saw him as anything other than a friend, we were just best friends through our junior and senior years. The week after we reunited my husband allowed him to come over to catch up, (my husband knew him through my choir events in school) After hours of talking my husband decided to go on to bed, so me and my friend watched movies and chatted. Everything was fine until the moment he kissed me. I kissed him back. And this happened 3 times within 5 minutes. After the 3rd time my husband walked out and saw us and since then my marriage has gone down the toilet. I am not going to sit here and say "it happened" because at that instant of the second kiss I felt I wanted "that connection" with him. Let me break something down for you. Since our first childs' death, I have suffered SEVERE depression for it and felt completely disconnected from everyone, including my husband. He won't even talk to me about our son. It seems like the only time he wants a "connection" with me is when he wants sex. I have tried repeatedly to fix our communication issues but he says there is nothing to say. Even in the bedroom this are disconnected. It is about getting yours and thats it. There is no intamacy, and I have tried to fix this, but he hates to "cuddle" or spend very much time in that sense. I even have brought up new things in the bedroom, but he is with little interest. The week before my kisisng my friend, I misscarried our third child, and that tore me apart. I was reliving my nightmare all over again, and all he could say was "atleast it wasn't born" but it still was a baby to me. I carried it for 13 weeks. I have cut off all ties with my old friend, and have done nothing but stay at home and take care of our child and the house. I love my husband with all my heart, and really am sorry for what I did. I made a mistake, and I wish there was something that could take away his pain. I want our marriage to work, but all he says is that I created the situation and I have to find a way to fix it, but he won't tell me how. Numerous times I find him looking at porn online and masturbating, instead of coming to me, and that is seriously affecting us, but he said he likes it and is going to continue it regardless how I feel. I am so lost as to what to do. I love him and yes, I do need him. I am not going to be afraid to say I do just because I am a woman. He is all I have known, all I want to know. I just feel so helpless.
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 This is simpler than you think. Not EASY...but simple. STOP BEING HELPLESS!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want things to get better...then YOU do something about it. Your H doesn't have to tell you how to do this...you're a big girl...work it out. First off, you clearly are going to need marriage counseling to help the both of you work through all the issues going on here...loss of a child(ren), your depression, your moment of infidelity, his porn addiction...not something you guys are going to be able to work through without outside help. SO GO GET THAT HELP. Don't ASK your husband...tell him. Set a boundary...if we're going to stay married...THIS is where we start fixing things. You can't make him change...but you can set limits on what you'll accept in your marriage, and what you won't. Stop being afraid...start taking ownership of fixing the problems. Identify your parts...fix them. Get a counselor to help you both identify things and fix them that you can't do alone. Just make it happen.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 You and your husband need to go to grief counselling and somehow deal with the loss of your child. You are in a vunerable place, as is your husband. Connecting with an old friend, boyfriend whatever, from the past isn't a good idea and this guy obviously picked up on that vunerablity vibe. Cut him out of your life as he is NO friend to you nor your husband. And your husband is disconnecting, being detached isn't good for the marriage. Marriage counselling combined with the grief counselling can help you both. I am sorry for your loss - My heart goes out to you both..
Darth Vader Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 You and your husband need to go to grief counselling and somehow deal with the loss of your child. You are in a vunerable place, as is your husband. Connecting with an old friend, boyfriend whatever, from the past isn't a good idea and this guy obviously picked up on that vunerablity vibe. Cut him out of your life as he is NO friend to you nor your husband. And your husband is disconnecting, being detached isn't good for the marriage. Marriage counselling combined with the grief counselling can help you both. I am sorry for your loss - My heart goes out to you both.. I agree with this. Lady, perhaps your husband is having a rough time dealing with the SIDS death of your child as well, but, just in a different way. I can understand why your hubby is feeling the way he is, he trusted you, and you betrayed him. You both better get to counseling very soon if you want save your marriage!
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