shadowplay Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I started school and things have been going surprisingly well. I'm happier than I have been in awhile. It's nice to be in a new environment, around new people. Things have also been going smoothly with my on-again-off-again bf. However, he's been acting strange in the last couple of days and I'm a little bit confused/concerned. It started when I saw him cry for the first time. We were eating lunch together in a crowded cafeteria when we got into a small tiff. I told him that I thought he was misdirecting some of his anger at his parents toward me. He has a lot of pent up anger at them, especially his mom, for using and neglecting him. His mom is bipolar and has been in and out of mental institutions all of his life. Neither of his parents work, but live off of a small inheritance. At first he denied it, but then he started sniffling and broke into tears. I asked him if he wanted to go outside and he followed me as I carried his stuff. We sat on the lawn and he rested his head in my lap and started really sobbing. He told me his first memory, which he's never shared with me before. He was three years old and his mother was manic, so she left him alone at home while he was sick. He remembers being in a crib and trying desperately to reach for a bottle of cough syrup on the counter. He started laugh-crying. It was really strange. He said, "I don't know why it's so funny and painful at the same time, that my first memory should be this traumatic event." Whenever people ask him what his first memory is he lies, and I'm only the second person he's ever told. I held him and tried to comfort him. It only lasted a few minutes, and soon he was back to his normal controlled self. But seeing him cry was so harrowing because I had started to wonder after a year of dating him and never seeing him express a single strong emotion whether he even had any. It made me love and appreciate him more to see him as fully human. Later that day he got increasingly weird. When I saw him again he was in a jubilant mood, literally giddy. He kept telling me how in love he was with me, and said that crying in front of me had been a breakthrough because he finally saw that I was right -- he was deflecting his anger at his parents toward me. The experience also made him see how much I cared about him. What concerned me is his behavior at this point was starting to seem suspiciously manic. He was rambling without pause, coming up with all these crazy ideas for projects he wanted to do, and breaking into random fits of laughter. That night he wouldn't let me sleep. He kept chattering away. He was also more expressive than he's ever been. He told me that he felt more in love with me than he ever had before. He kept talking about what we would name our kids, and how smart our kids would be, and how perfect I was. Then he asked me, "Will you marry me Shadow?" I said, "yeah of course I will." And he said, "Does that mean we're officially engaged?" He told me that he couldn't afford to buy me a ring, but wanted us to be engaged. He also mentioned some fantasy about us going to Las Vegas and getting eloped. WTF is going on. This is the same guy who was ready to break up with me a month ago and said he could never see himself marrying me. I have to say I was really touched by his sudden burst of love, but also scared that it wouldn't last. He was more alive than I've ever seen him. My big problem with him has always been his seeming lack of emotion. For the first time he was totally there. We were finally connecting, gazing intensely into each other's eyes. I felt like our souls were in synch. The sex was phenomenal because we were so connected emotionally. This is what I've always wanted. If he was like this most of the time, or even a good portion, I'd marry him a heartbeat. But it was bittersweet because a little voice in the back of my head kept insisting "this isn't real." Could he just be manic? He had one manic episode when he was seventeen where he briefly became delusional, but hasn't had any since so it's unclear whether he has inherited his mom's bipolar. But the way he was acting last night was so atypical and over the top. Or is it possible that crying in front of me really did unlock something and break down his emotional wall? What do you guys think?
The Collector Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think you've nailed the possibilities. He's either prone to manic episodes, or this was a huge, life-changing release for him and he's dealing with it a little strangely. I think you're going to have to give him time to prove himself either way. You could also try asking him to calm the **** down a bit because he's freaking you out.
ed-205 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Not being a doctor. there's no way I could even guess as to his state of mental health, however, I have had to deal with Bi-Polar types. Is he on any medications? If not, I'm inclined to say that if he actually has a serious problem, you would have realized it long ago. He may have simply had a Catharsis, which is pretty normal, even healthy.
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think, as long as you tie up a bunch of brain time and emotion into this guy, or guys like him, the prospect of a mutually healthy LTR will be elusive. What do you want, to be your partner's psychologist or be someone's lover and wife? I don't know. It's up to you to decide that. Ask yourself....was all the stuff you wrote time and place appropriate, both in your relationship and in the circumstances of the day? If not, ask yourself if you want to live like that for the rest of your life, on the rollercoaster you apparently have been on with this guy for some time? If you do, I wish you well, and I wish that for you regardless
Carmen87 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 His first memory is being THREE YEARS OLD and desperately trying to reach for a bottle of cough syrup? That is a little far fetched.
endlesstrains Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 His first memory is being THREE YEARS OLD and desperately trying to reach for a bottle of cough syrup? That is a little far fetched. I don't know about the cough syrup part, but a lot of people can remember being three years old. My boyfriend remembers clearly many things from age three and mostly everything onwards... he has a good memory. I personally only have one memory from that age, but I still have it... what's so far-fetched?
Author shadowplay Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Thanks for the responses. I still haven't figured out if it's mania or a genuine change. He's stayed in this mode for the last two days -- not quite as wired as when I started the thread, but almost. He is euphoric, and noticeably more talkative and extraverted. He's also bubbling with ideas about different artistic projects and engineering inventions, which are quite brilliant. When I ask him what's up he keeps linking the change to his confession about his first memory. He claims it totally freed him up emotionally because it was the first time he trusted somebody enough to tell them that (apparently he didn't tell even his first girlfriend the full story). We went dancing at a party last night and I've never seen him as into me as he was then. He reiterated how he feels totally in love with me now and that we're soul mates, a term he has cringed to use in the past. He even referred to me as his fiance. So weird. I believe he really feels it in the moment, but I'm skeptical about the longevity of his emotions. If he's manic, it's possible he could go off the deep end and become delusional or crash into depression. I'm not sure what to do because I don't want to burst his bubble by suggesting he see somebody. It's wonderful to see him so happy. I mean maybe I'm just being paranoid. Also, part of me wants to believe I really did break down his emotional wall. But do people really change that rapidly? I've seen catharsis depicted in movies and books, but translated into real life it's a bit unnerving.
Jilly Bean Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I don't know if it is bi-polarism, Shadow, sounds more like schizophrenia (which mainly hits men in their early 20s) or a nervous breakdown. He seems like he's losing grip on reality. How scary! Keep a close eye on him...
Author shadowplay Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 I don't know if it is bi-polarism, Shadow, sounds more like schizophrenia (which mainly hits men in their early 20s) or a nervous breakdown. He seems like he's losing grip on reality. How scary! Keep a close eye on him... I really hope it's not schizophrenia, but his symptoms seem closer to bipolar II or hypomania. One symptom I forgot to mention earlier is that he's suddenly lost all modesty. He keeps talking about how smart he is and even suggested that one of his engineering ideas could solve the oil crisis (it was hard for me to tell how serious he was being). I spoke to my mother (a psychologist) and she said that manic episodes in people with bipolar are often spurred by big life transitions or stressful situations. For him this would be moving and starting at another school. I will keep an eye on him and tell you guys what happens. His mother is a total nutcase, and it would be incredibly tragic if she passed her illness down to him given how much he has going for him.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It sounds a lot like a manic episode. I have a good friend who behaves a lot like this when she stops taking her meds. Euphoria, grandiosity (The big plans-solving the oil crisis?!?), high emotionality,rapid speech patterns. I wouldn't be surprised at all if your next post is about your bf withdrawing, not talking, seeming depressed. Has your mom observed him or is she just hearing your account? If she hasn't, maybe she should, just to gain some insight.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Oh, and my first memory is when I was 18 months old, so his story could be true. Sounds a little dramatic, though.
AvaSylvian Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Yeah, I think he is having a manic episode. It's the beginning and it's just going to get worse. He needs treatment. Now that he's willing to open up to you more ask him how his previous episode started. Don't make it seem like you think he's having one now, or else he'll get defensive. Just talk about the illness as if you're just curious and maybe he'll make the connection himself. Don't accuse him because he will definatley deny it. When you're having a manic episode you are so sure of yourself it's ridiculous and no one can tell you anything. Plus it may hurt his feelings. Ask him if he ever fears having another episode. Just talk to him about his views on the illness and maybe he'll get a little self conscious and recognize that he's acting a bit manic. I'm bipolar and I've had 2 manic episodes. Each time it started out with me talking a lot and having many new ideas and each time my friends and family sensed that something was wrong but they weren't sure. Please get him some help before he gets worse because if left untreated he will definatley get worse. I wish someone would have snapped me out of it before I started getting delusional because I did some pretty embarrassing things that I really beat myself up for now. Talk to him.
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