Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 It was the same with me - she would always talk about having kids, buying a dream house, the things we would do together and the places we'd travel. She even joked about me picking out a ring, and even told me on a few occasions about when she wanted to get married. Eventually when you hear things like that a lot they really stick and you really do believe them. Then all of sudden, bam, it's over, "I need time to figure out what I want." I was a good bf, definitely, and I treated her like gold, made her laugh, rubbed her shoulders, stroked her hair, etc. That's the thing about her as well, she's always known that I'm "there", no matter what she did. Now it's time I really show her what it's like for me to "not be there" at all. The thing is, that will take time, because right now she's blinded by her own selfishness and I can't believe how self-centered she's acting right now. Maybe there are girls out there who actually appreciate a guy who has a sense of humor and treats them like a queen. I hope so - because I can't take another relationship like this again.
steve9417 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 thought would add to this thread - i'm in the midst of NC ........... i feel like i've been played with and finally thrown the towel in ....... NC feels 100% right now and I suppose i got to this place after being messed about - as one thread say - its like pulling a knife out slowly by going back to plead / put your case forward its been 2 weeks since i decided to do NC and she's emailed me once and called me another time - this is all after she told me it was over - she called to tell me she's not with anyone (the new guy she met after we split) and getting her own place (not moving i with the new guy) .... truth is i can't trust her anymore ...... i've got good friends and talk openly about the hurt .... i'm learning to let go with acceptance one day, anger the next, cry another, miss her deeply the next ........ i wish my feelings would settle but i guess for the moment i'll have to live with the inconsistency one thing is for sure i'm very protective of myself - she might call to cleanse her soul after being disrespectful when we split or to check up on me or to have a chat or to say she misses me ........ all nonsense from my point of view (its actions that will really speak) and just a way for the hurt to continue ....... we deserves no contact now and i deserve to continue nurturing my self respect back ...... "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering" ........ well NC just cuts right through that - it gives me the firm grounding i need through all of this to stand tall and lets the seeds for a stronger more emotionally mature person to grow ........ shame for my ex but a massive bonus for someone whom I've yet to meet hang in there ........ NC is about respecting yourself and getting what you need and deserve ......... and that in all likelihood for me will mean with someone new
Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I went to the gym earlier and it felt damn good. But then I walked out the door and reality set in again - dammit. If only love had an "off" switch...This would make things so much easier. Or maybe a "Morning after the break-up" pill to erase any memories you had with that person. As the guy from the movie Old School says, "Love...it's a mother****er". I'm proud of myself though - despite the overwhelming pain and the urge to contact her, I've held strong now for 6 days. I can't wait until I get out of this frustrating depressing stage.
mixwell Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 If she really has feelings for you, she will show you by her actions (words mean squat), but you need to move on and learn from this experience. Good luck! Words of truth.. If she wants to work things out she knows where to find you. In the time being you need to look at it as if you and her will never be together or else you will never start the healing process.. I stood by my ex like an arse for 5 mths and listened to the BS until one day I had enough of it. The sooner you just drop her the easier and faster it is to start healing.. I think by saying 2 weeks of NC and going further than that will make her think "wtf its been 2 weeks and no call whats going on?" That would impact her more than you giving it 2 weeks and then calling her.. I would say at least wait 1 month IF you feel like you have to contact her and just say that you've been busy on other aspects of your life etc.. Good luck and hope things work out...
Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Yeah, I think I can make it a month without communicating. This whole thing is still so unreal to me. I want to accept that fact that we'll never be together again, right now its hard to accept that, but the longer I go without communicating, the crappier I feel and the more it sinks in that this truly is over. The sooner I can accept that, the sooner I'll start healing. I'm already kind of pissed, but still very upset. I just want her to know I mean business - that I'm not going to be the first to let her know I've had enough time and can now talk. If she wants to talk to me again, she'll have to work for it.
mixwell Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Good job dude !! Seriously you've gone 6 days.. If you've gone that long you can continue.. I seriously went no longer then 2 days with my ex like an idiot. By showing her you mean business is to let her go and let her know that you've moved on.. I need to now follow my own advice on improving yourself because I need to hit up the gym like I was doing but today I felt like chilling at home and getting drunk to numb the pain.. I know its not good and I'm thinking about her drunk so I will slap myself and tomorrow will be a new day ^_^
Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Yeah man, I tried the whole drinking thing to numb the pain. I got drunk at the bar and was just looking around at all the attractive women, realizing they were all out of my league, and then I started to think about her and thinking, "well, she's probably having a good time, and I feel like absolute crap." I think I need to stay away from drinking for a bit, at least heavy drinking. Drinking too much just gets my head going about everything in my life, and I don't need that right now.
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I'm sorry to see you both hurting so much, but I have to say that you've helped remind me that men do actually have feelings too... Sadly, because of my situation, I've found myself thinking in black and white, along the lines of "all men have superficial feelings, only want sex, selfish.... blah blah blah." Wayfaerer, when you describe yourself at a bar thinking about all the women being out of your league, I compare that to myself, going out and chatting with men and if any seem interested in me I'm just sitting there thinking "ha how is this guy attempting to manipulate me right now?" Anyway, good for both of you for deciding on the NC thing... it really is hard, but it's so worth it, it really does help.
Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Yeah, it's frustrating - I feel the longer we go without talking, the less she'll be thinking of me. And although I do want to heal, I can't help but think, "What will happen in a month from now? What about 2 months? 3 months? Will she have second thoughts when she's had a good chunk of time on her own?" I never treated her poorly, and she knows she had good times with me for almost 4 years. I feel stronger for not breaking "no contact", but I'm also starting to feel hopeless and despair. I wonder if I'll ever love someone again the way I loved her...I hope so.
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I wonder if I'll ever love someone again the way I loved her...I hope so. I have no doubt you will, I believe the depth and intensity of this anguish you're going through now is a reflection of your capacity to love. And when you do find yourself loving again, it will likely be a greater love for having gone through all of this. And when you love someone who loves you back, you'll find yourself loving her even more for treating you as you deserve to be treated.
EmperorR Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 t least u find other woman attractive I don't except her she stole my heart my sex drive my appetitie n I feel so ugly inside n out. Im on day one of no contact if I can last long I know I won't break it cuz it will hurt more if nothing changed
Author wayfaerer1 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 EmperorR, Of course I'm still incredibly attracted to my ex, but I've always been attracted to other women as well. I think most people are - it's only human nature to find other people attractive than just your gf - but you're not in love with them, so simply looking at someone is harmless. I'm pretty sure you'll get your sex drive back. The broken heart still aches a lot, but now I'm starting to get angry and sexually frustrated. You take things for granted when they're right on front of you all the time, so I know how you feel. Well, just an update - today is a week to the day I last talked to my ex. It's been rough, the pain comes in waves and seems to strike at any given time, but I've fought off the urges to contact. I mean, the thing is, I'm just more upset about the fact that she crushed my heart, I don't mind not talking to her because I know it's not going to change her mind by making a phone call. The hard part isn't the temptation, it's just the crappy empty feeling I have inside because I know I have to cut communication forever. But there is always a little part of my conscience that keeps telling me, "Don't give in, you'll be such a fool, have some pride in yourself!" That little voice is what keeps me going.
9Lives Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Way - My heart goes out to you as I too am in that 'is he going to contact me to see how I am" phase.. It has been 2 weeks for me and in our 2.5 years (with stressful circumstance I won't get into), we have had our 'breaks' of no talking. After a while he always came back. This time, I don't feel that way and it aches like no other loss I have ever had. Like you, I thought I found my soulmate and if he isn't ready for a relationship right now (we are both newly divorced from our spouses), then I have to respect that. I have to leave him be... I will not contact him as hard as it is - i agree with the other posters that it does show you mean business. If you were like me (and I'm not sure), but I was always just kind of 'there", know what I mean? He never had to worry about me not being around for him because I never let that be known. He knew I'd come around. I know how you feel. mines just got out too and he was not fully present in your relationship. NC is the best thing.
EmperorR Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I broke nc today, and she was so mean etc. to me, then i wrote her this long letter basicaly just telling her bye, now im strictly sticking to NC, no txt, no email, no nothing, if its meant to be then something will happen if not at least nc will give me the strength to move on and not care anymore.
Recommended Posts