Finally cut contact

[wayfaerer1]

Well it's been over a week and a half since she broke up with me, but I finally got enough courage to call her and tell her we can't be friends right now and that we can't talk either, at least for a little while.

 

I mean, it hurts like hell because I miss her terribly, so it was tough deciding that.

 

Since we broke up, I have been calling or texting every few days, basically trying to change her mind, or just to initiate contact even though she didn't want to talk. I realized that was not working.

 

So, I finally decided to start ignoring her completely, and she sent a few messages on AIM, I never responded. But, a couple days ago I realized that I needed to tell her we must stop communicating, for my sake.

 

She said she totally understood, and it didn't seem to bother her one bit, guess she's in a different world right now.

 

Anyway, I'm trying as hard as I can to get on with myself, but it's hard because I'll wonder things like, "will she ever look back on this decision and realize she lost a really good guy?" Or "will there be a day when she is reminded of me so much that she wonders what it would be like if we were back together?"

 

Thoughts like that drive me crazy.

 

I told her I would probably need at least a couple weeks, and she said just to call her when I felt like I had enough time to myself. She still values my friendship and I know doesn't want to lose me as a person.

 

But right now, I can't be friends with her, and I told her this.

 

I don't want to be the first to call her though, if I can really stick it out for 2 weeks, then I think it's best that I keep going as long as I can without contacting her, and let her contact me.

 

This is rough...I thought she was my soulmate...But I feel that this was the right decision, I'll never be able to recover unless she's truly out of sight out of mind.

 

[0hpenelope]

Well it's been over a week and a half since she broke up with me, but I finally got enough courage to call her and tell her we can't be friends right now and that we can't talk either, at least for a little while.

 

I mean, it hurts like hell because I miss her terribly, so it was tough deciding that.

 

It's going to be like that for a while, I'm sorry to say. My context of "a while" I mean, since that's pretty subjective to each individual.

 

Since we broke up, I have been calling or texting every few days, basically trying to change her mind, or just to initiate contact even though she didn't want to talk. I realized that was not working.

 

So, I finally decided to start ignoring her completely, and she sent a few messages on AIM, I never responded. But, a couple days ago I realized that I needed to tell her we must stop communicating, for my sake.

 

Of course it wasn't working. She knew that you were always going to be on hand for "someone to talk to" when she doesn't have anyone else. We keep saying these on these boards and for your benefit and others as well, I'll repost them: we can't make someone miss us. We can't be missed if we're always around; if we were never absent from them in the first place.

 

She said she totally understood, and it didn't seem to bother her one bit, guess she's in a different world right now.

 

Most exes say the same thing: that they understand. Of course they do. While some of them (not all!) think that they're being so self-sacrificing in giving up someone they would've liked to have been their friend, they completely overlook that they're the ones who left in the first place! Some of them are just... totally oblivious.

 

The thing is, I learned that if I'm to go through something like this again, I won't even give the benefit of an "alert system" to the potential next ex. Just dropping all contact would be good for me and if I come out as bad, well... there's 1 person who gives a crap about what I do, and 10 more who do love me. It would be nice if no one felt negativity towards me, but there's really no pleasing everyone.

 

Here's why: I don't believe in giving exes an "alert" anymore because it's essentially letting the ex know how hard it's been for us to be in contact. For me, that I'm still affected by him... no, he doesn't deserve to know that. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Not even anger. He deserves nothing.

 

Good job, bro. Realizing this and putting things into motion the way you did is incredibly tough. I think I'd rather get a tooth pulled without anesthesia than go through this ever again. I hope you don't think that I'm thinking that how you established NC is wrong. You're doing what's best for you and there's nothing more you can ask from this, yes?

 

Don't break NC until you've accomplished your goal. I don't think you will though, at this point. And if she even so much tries to reach out to you - yes, even through mutual acquaintances - "just to see how you're doing" during this period, I'll hope you'll recognize her action as incredibly disrespectful.

 

Go, go, go!

[Biker2007]

Way,

 

Nice job on letting her know your boundaries...now that you have set them, KEEP THEM!

 

I personally would not look at 2 weeks or some arbitrary time frame. She broke up w/you. You need to focus on yourself because she has changed her focus.

 

If she really has feelings for you, she will show you by her actions (words mean squat), but you need to move on and learn from this experience.

 

If you keep going back to her, she will never respect you. You will have a nice comfy status as her Plan B...sound fun?

 

You will come out of this ok, but it will be a bit of a roller coaster ride.

 

Good luck!

[BCCA]

I dont know that 2 weeks is going to cut it, and I agree that you shouldnt set up some arbitrary time limit. Tell yourself you're not going to contact her ever again. You dont want to go 2 weeks and then be right back at sqaure one. And you're giving her the power by contacting her, which is what you dont want to do. Dont worry about her contacting you, either, because there is more than one reason she would do that. I know I've been there before, thinking "well she called, she must want me back" but usually its not that at all. Boredom, loneliness, validation that they arent a bad person and you dont hate them...those are more likely reasons.

 

I would strongly urge you to stay NC for good. If she wants to work things out, she'll make sure you know. Talking to her for any reason right now is just not a good idea. It's like pulling the knife out of your heart slowly.

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah, you're right, as hard as it is, I need to stay "no contact."

 

Ugh...what a terrible feeling. I guess this is truly the only way, and if I have any dignity or self-respect left, then I owe this to myself.

 

I will do my best not to give in and let her control this all.

[Biker2007]

I would strongly urge you to stay NC for good. If she wants to work things out, she'll make sure you know.

 

Amen to that!

[wayfaerer1]

Thanks guys - I went out tonight and had a really friendly conversation with a couple of girls, nothing more than that, but it felt good...really good.

 

I know I'll make it through this, but for a while it's going to burn.

 

It's seriously the worst feeling a person can endure, it's toture.

[0hpenelope]

Thanks guys - I went out tonight and had a really friendly conversation with a couple of girls, nothing more than that, but it felt good...really good.

 

I know I'll make it through this, but for a while it's going to burn.

 

It's seriously the worst feeling a person can endure, it's toture.

 

It is. I think heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world and it doesn't have to be caused by a failed relationship. Loss of a child, a loved one, anything that causes that heartbreak...

 

Yeah, heartbreak's a toughie. There's no band-aid for it at all.

[EmperorR]

Thanks guys - I went out tonight and had a really friendly conversation with a couple of girls, nothing more than that, but it felt good...really good.

 

I know I'll make it through this, but for a while it's going to burn.

 

It's seriously the worst feeling a person can endure, it's toture.

 

Good for you, I just started no contact, but I don't even want any other girls or to even look at them. It's like I been with her for 3 years, i don't even remember how to start talking to girls, what to ask, a first date etc., i just feel like a washed up old vet and plus I don't think I can ever get close to anyone like that again, I'll prob just get a gf cuz i hate being alone and having no one to talk to when i feel like it, but I won't feel anything towards her.

[Jazzy56]

You made the right choice. You cant just be friends right after breaking up. Maybe after some time has passed you will feel different, and if she is a good person, you guys can be friends. Best of luck

[EmperorR]

heres an update, i checked my email at yahoo, and forgot that the new yahoo email logs you into messenger so as soon as i log in before i can sign off she messages me like hey im watching this movie you should watch, so nc day 1 failed as i told her i already seen it then signed off.

[wayfaerer1]

I feel like dying...

 

It's been 4 days since we last talked, well, because I initiated the talking, like I had been since we broke up.

 

But now that it's day 4, for some reason, today it just feels like it's setting in for the first time.

 

She's really gone...And I don't think she's going to contact me anytime soon at all, although I'm sure she cares, but this no contact thing makes me think she doesn't.

 

I did want this no contact and she said she understood, and I really believe she's going to stick to that.

 

This hurts so much right now...

 

Despite going out to the bar and being around happy people, they're all out of my league, I'm no Brad Pitt, so not getting any attention right now really sucks.

 

In short, I feel hopeless - that all is lost and I'll never find someone like her again.

 

[Biker2007]

Way,

 

I know this is not easy.

 

Dealing w/ the grief of a loss can take time. This just plain sucks!

 

But, you will get through it.

 

I have been in NC w/ my X for over a year. I have had many good moments and many bad moments in that time. But, I am a much stronger person mentally and, I used that time to get back in shape...I lost about 10 pounds and started to enjoy some old activities again. You can do the same.

 

Keep going out and meeting new people. I struggle w/this one myself as I have gone out w/quite a few people since the X. No real chemistry w/any of them, but I did make a few new friends. Don't give up hope!

 

After reading your posts, I can really relate to what you are going through...but trust me, stay NC. Get your confidence back and you will be surprised at how much better you will feel.

[Karma101]

Way,

 

I'm with you. I'm just slipping into that acceptance stage where the disbelief has worn off, and now I realize he's just gone. He's made his decision and is not coming back.

 

I've had a bit of contact with him over the course of this past week. More I miss you's, thinking of you, etc. It just made me feel worse. I need to go NC and stick to it.

[wayfaerer1]

Karma,

 

I know how much it sucks - I did the same thing. I would call her every few days just to talk, she didn't change her mind, and I don't think she will ever.

 

Accepting defeat hurts a lot.

 

Now that she knows I don't want to talk and she wants me to call her when I feel like I've had enough time, I wonder if she will wonder if I'll ever call? Or if she's wondering how I'm doing.

 

I mean, I've heard it enough times on here - Stick to no contact, if your ex wants you back, they'll make it known, no matter the circumstances.

 

I suppose that is true. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet for a while.

 

I'm chomping at the bit here, but holding strong.

[Gere51]

Stay no contact. The first couple of weeks will be the toughest, but you will make it through if you stick to it. I've been in No Contact now with my ex since July 9th, and have gotten to the point where I don't know what I would say to her even if I wanted to talk to her, as I've gotten stronger about sticking to the NC each day. You will get to that point also. I know it's hard, but keep on with the plan. Don't be her friend, don't enter into casual conversation even if she does call, do not accept her calls and don't respond to texts. That will let her know you mean business and you'll win respect.

[megapositive]

Stay no contact. The first couple of weeks will be the toughest, but you will make it through if you stick to it. I've been in No Contact now with my ex since July 9th, and have gotten to the point where I don't know what I would say to her even if I wanted to talk to her, as I've gotten stronger about sticking to the NC each day. You will get to that point also. I know it's hard, but keep on with the plan. Don't be her friend, don't enter into casual conversation even if she does call, do not accept her calls and don't respond to texts. That will let her know you mean business and you'll win respect.

 

Remind me, because I'm having a bad day... how does NC win respect?

[EmperorR]

im weak, i broke the nc today, well i went on yahoo messenger and she messaged me there asking why i haven't been messaging her, and i told her well you told me not to. But at least tommroow with work etc. ill leave my phone at home and not be tempted at all

[wayfaerer1]

I was weak too for a while...But I'm really going to try and stick to this.

 

If I wasn't madly in love with her then I'd just say screw her and start moving on, but as you all know, it's not that easy.

 

 

If she wasn't doing anything at all with anyone else and promised not to then I could easily stay friends I guess, but if I continue talking to her, I know eventually I'd find out something I'm not ready to hear.

 

And that would be another crushing blow to my already severely damaged emotions.

[used2bspunky]

Way -

 

My heart goes out to you as I too am in that 'is he going to contact me to see how I am" phase.. It has been 2 weeks for me and in our 2.5 years (with stressful circumstance I won't get into), we have had our 'breaks' of no talking. After a while he always came back. This time, I don't feel that way and it aches like no other loss I have ever had. Like you, I thought I found my soulmate and if he isn't ready for a relationship right now (we are both newly divorced from our spouses), then I have to respect that. I have to leave him be...

 

I will not contact him as hard as it is - i agree with the other posters that it does show you mean business. If you were like me (and I'm not sure), but I was always just kind of 'there", know what I mean? He never had to worry about me not being around for him because I never let that be known. He knew I'd come around.

 

This time I will not come around ~ and while he may not even want to be with me, his ego and curiousity just may get the best of him and he might contact me to see how I am doing. By then, I'm hoping I will be a stronger person and feeling like I have nothing to say to him. I'm better off not being in pain.

 

You will get stronger - I have faith that you will. You hate to hear it (and so do I), but I believe TIME is the only thing that will make things easier.

[Gere51]

First of all you'll gain back your self-respect by staying with No Contact. Secondly, your ex will start to see you in a different light and you won't be perceived as emotionally needy. When you start to respect yourself after something like this positive things begin to happen. I have a good friend that has been going through a break-up for close to a YEAR now! The problem is that he still keeps responding to his ex's "very occasional" texts and/or calls like a hungry dog. If he had the willpower to cut it off completely he would be doing much better, instead he really is resembling a broken person.

[HopeDiesLast]

How am i still in this denial, sadness, anger stage after 3 months? when does it get better?

i finally told my ex what a jerk he was to leave me and to lose my phone number. i needed to get my self respect back and make it clear to him that i was gonna settle to be demoted from gf to friend. or settle for his crumbs of pity. it hurt too much.

and still, i miss him. is that normal?

id rather my ex think i hate him for what he did than think im wallowing in the agony of this loss.

[wayfaerer1]

Hope,

 

I think it's normal - these things take time.

 

I'm actually starting to get a little angry.

 

This guy who goes to the same school as my ex, he was friends with her before I met him, then when I came to visit my ex at school this guy and I became good friends as well.

 

He told me that my ex has been accusing him of not being her friend because of the situation. He said that he can't hang out with her, go to the bar, grab coffee, whatever, because he's so angry about the way she's handling this.

 

Whats more, is that his fiance, (whom I know as well) told him that he should stay away from my ex because she doesn't want him being around someone who could do such a thing to a guy like me.

 

I just think it's ridiculous - does my ex really think that after making a decision like she did, that everything will just be the way it was again?

 

That's pretty much what she thinks - she's pretending like nothing happened at all...

 

I'm not angry because she wanted to end things - I'm angry because of the way she's handling it.

 

I just can't believe how self-centered my ex really is.

 

This is why it's better I stop talking to her - eventually she'll figure out why being so selfish can't get her everything she wants.

 

I still think this is a phase - a phase that a lot of people go through, where they need the time to be crazy.

 

It's just a bunch of crap.

 

Anyone else's ex pretending like nothing happened?

[HopeDiesLast]

Way- mine is! i seriously think we should set up your ex and mine- in a padded room together. They sound alot alike. He just goes about life like everythings peachy- thinks we can be friends, thinks he can text me to get his stuff back and ask how i am. As if he even cares. How someone can walk away is beyond me. Esp. when he took me to look for rings 6 mos before the break up.

 

He decided he'd rather pretend he's still in college at 26 than to settle into a serious relationship. Hes not ready was what i was told- when in reality its that he doesnt want to give up his college lifestyle and take responsibility for his life.

 

Way you sound like such a great bf. and know that you did everything you can. Some people are just very focused on themselves and sadly we dont see that till they pull some crap like this. I know i put my all into this relationship for over 2 yrs. i believed in what my ex said- that he wanted a future with me, that he couldnt wait to start a life together, that he loved me. Funny way of showing it after all this time.

 

I guess what BCCA says is true- if they have something to tell us, they will let us know. The best thing to do now is walk away, pride in hand. As hard as it was for me to go nc, i have nothing else i can do now. i broke it about every two weeks- the entire month of july i didnt call or text. and he didnt once try to contact me. i tried to talk to him again after that only to hear an unemotional ghost of who he used to be- and later find out he'd been seeing some dirtbag i went to hs with. guess she was more focused on drinking than i was. at 27. pathetic.

[wayfaerer1]

Yeah Hope, we should band together and let some stress out.

 

I'm sick of being treated like a toy, and I know you are too.