singlelife Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 do open relationships work. i think they could
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 They NEVER work. Often, in the beginning, one partner or the other seeks an "open" relationship, and the other partner agrees verbally, but in their heart, they're not good with the idea. They go along with it for a while...but the hurt builds up, and they ask their partner who IS enjoying it to stop...and of course...that person doesn't want to. End result...devestated/destroyed marriage. Sometimes in the beginning, its fun, exciting, and both partners are happy. They both love "the life". But then, one of them becomes increasingly attracted to on of their swinging buddies. They seek that person out more and more...and form a deeper and deeper emotional bond. Until finally, they're ready to leave their spouse for the swinging partner. OR...both parties are fine with it for a while...but then one or the other decides that they want a monogamous relationship...or they start getting very jealous of their spouses swinging partners. End result...ain't nobody happy. Opening your marriage like this just sets the stage for it to end a lot sooner, and a lot more painfully. 1
Ronni_W Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I agree with Owl. Haven't participated in one myself, but do know a few couples who have tried it. Based on their ultimate experiences: Q: Does swinging work? A: Not very well at all.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 A agree for the most part, but I think stating "They Never Work" is a little extreme. Prolonged engagement in this would favor the possibility of one spouse developing emotional connection with another partner, that when the trouble begins. I'm sure there are some people that are mature enough to do it, but IMO most people are hurt by it. Regards,
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I wouldn't say "mature enough to do it". I would say that they'd have to be comfortable with maintaining a certain amount of emotional distance between the spouses than most other couples do. They'd have to, in order to avoid jealousy/hurt/etc... And it would be easier for them to maintain that distance with their swinging partners that way as well...they simply wouldn't form emotional bonds as closely with anyone.
jmargel Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think it could work.. If you can seperate sex from love. You have to be a couple that is VERY trusting of each other and know each other inside and out. You need to put your spouse #1 priority in all situations regarding this. If your partner is uncomfortable at any point, it stops. No questions at all. You have to be very secure with yourself and the marriage. No jealously at all. You need to talk about boundaries on what is acceptable and abide by them. The first time you cross that boundary is when problems start. I wouldn't recommend swinging for new couples, the bond, the full trust isn't there. Lots of couples do it and love it. It's not for everyeone but there are forums out there if you search by swingers themselves. Would it break a marriage? I don't think so. If a marriage is to be broken, other things would break it besides just the swinging itself.
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Here's the problem, Jmargel. For many, many people, sex is an emotional need. Its a way that they receive love from their spouse/significant other. Its a way that they express their love for their other. Seperating the emotion from the act can be very, very difficult for most people. If they CAN...you're right, this would work out fine. But the odds of them successfully doing so long term...
BuJin Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think it could work.. Agreed! However, both need to look at why they want to do it and be VERY honest with each other and set ground rules. If emotions get established between the play partners, it will cause trouble. If someone wants to swing to "spice" things up, then that is going to be trouble. if people swing because they both have a taste for kink and enjoy sharing in that together, it can be good. It just depends on the reasons and if both understand sex and love are not one unit. Sex is physical and love is emotional. If you can seperate sex from love. Precisely! People act as if it is so difficult, but people do it every day with casual sex, both men and women. Love and sex are not the same thing and unfortunately many find it very hard to separate them, thanks to religious dogma (in my opinion). We see sex as a physical activity. Now, having sex with someone you love is double good.
BuJin Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Only for baseball players!!! OK, I am not into spectator sports unless one counts voyeurism... Just, how does baseball players fit into this conversation...?
LadyDi Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I think it could work, but I might even go so far as to say if a couple does want to swing, maybe do it infrequently. I would think if you do it on a regular basis, trouble could start!
In Like Flynn Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 OK, I am not into spectator sports unless one counts voyeurism... Just, how does baseball players fit into this conversation...? Swinging works for them when at the plate swinging at the ball.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Swinging only works to the extent you are willing to let your partner go.
mental_traveller Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 do open relationships work. i think they could Yes as long as neither of the people involved suffer from sexual jealousy, and are cool with watching their partner get nailed by a stranger, and the relationship is otherwise ok.
Lizzie60 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I think it could work... but the partners have to be very independant of the other emotionally. The only goal of swinging is to spice things up.. so it could be beneficial for the relationship.. as long as jealousy is not an issue.
BuJin Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Swinging works for them when at the plate swinging at the ball. Gotcha, I guess I missed that ball!
sxyNYCcpl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 My wife and I swing, and we love every minute of it. It can and does work if both people in a relationship are doing it for the right reasons. If either party is doing it to humor the other that's a recipe for disaster.
bish Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 do open relationships work. i think they could Nope, because ulimately, one or both parties get pissed off.
jmargel Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Nope, because ulimately, one or both parties get pissed off. Then you can say that for a relationship as a whole. Both parties are going to get upset at some point no matter what you do as a couple.
bish Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Then you can say that for a relationship as a whole. Both parties are going to get upset at some point no matter what you do as a couple. I haven't heard one person come on here that said they were a swinger and that they were completely happy with the arrangement, without throwing in a "BUT" and describing why it is causing a problem.
sxyNYCcpl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I haven't heard one person come on here that said they were a swinger and that they were completely happy with the arrangement, without throwing in a "BUT" and describing why it is causing a problem. Perhaps you missed my earlier response, but we are swingers and are completely happy with the arrangement. In addition, I personally know hundreds of other people who would say the same thing were they participants in this conversation.
Owl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 This isn't an attack...honest questions. How do you avoid becoming emotionally entangled with those that you sleep with? What steps do you take to prevent that from happening, to safegaurd your marriage while you're doing this? How do you ensure that your spouse IS on board with this, and not just agreeing with it to make you happy? What plan do you have in place if he/she changes her mind at some point? Again...honest questions looking for honest answers. These are the biggest risks/hurdles that I've seen with "the lifestyle"...it sounds like you've got a handle on them.
sxyNYCcpl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 How do you avoid becoming emotionally entangled with those that you sleep with? What steps do you take to prevent that from happening, to safegaurd your marriage while you're doing this? Well, we don't always avoid emotional entanglements, as some people we've met swinging have become very close friends of ours, but I don't think that's what you meant. We don't take "steps", per se, to safeguard our relationship, it's simply not an issue. Neither of us thinks that sex=love so the simple act of being sexual with someone doesn't trigger that "oh, I want to be in a relationship" feeling that it does for those who do. Additionally, we never play alone, and with some exceptions, don't have a whole lot of contact with most of our playmates outside of playtime. How do you ensure that your spouse IS on board with this, and not just agreeing with it to make you happy? We communicate. We're completely transparent about everything, we don't lie, and we have 110% faith in each other. Besides, it's immediately obvious to anyone paying attention when a couple like that shows up, and nobody wants anything to do with them. We've seen it, but fortunately only a couple of times, and we've never seen any couple who meets this description more than once. What plan do you have in place if he/she changes her mind at some point? Well, we've discussed it, and I think there's but the tiniest of possibilities one of us would have a change of heart as we're both complete pervs lol. If it does happen, we'll deal with it. What that will look like is anybodies guess. Really though, I suspect we'll stop swinging when we are finally forced to deal with the fact that we've grown so old that we're not even interested in watching ourselves have sex, much less imposing that on other people. Fortunately, that is many many years away.
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