stillafool Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Perhaps not, but I was repeating what verbally has been shared with me over the years. If your assertion is true, substantial rationalization is at work, along with a bit of gaslighting (that to get what they needed from me). How about women who engage in EA's, where there is no PA? What is their motivation and what do they derive from non-sexual intimacy. Is it purely an ego feed, knowing a man has an unrequited desire for them? What do they desire, beyond the ego stroke? Are they really that shallow? I don't know. Well I would imagine they get the same things from an emotional affair as a man does. These questions could be asked of either gender in my opinion.
ed-205 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think I'm going to have to side with the "Ego Stroke" theory. The first guy my Ex cheated with was twice her age, had false teeth, dressed and acted like a bad Elvis impersonator with a beer-gut, was also married, up to his eyeballs in debt, and known to have a weakness for 14 year old girls. Not the sort of guy most women would consider a "catch", but he could definitely push the schmooze when he wanted to, and my Ex ate it up.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 You are absolutely correct. I don't know why people have a problem accepting your or my opinion on this subject. Oops, sorry. I didn't read everyone else's response previous to posting. Having said that, you have to consider the source.
vonerik012 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Who said anything about a long affair? I thought we were talking about cheating. A man might cheat within 5 minutes, it is over and done. Think Hugh Grant getting the 5 dollar hooker. Men are not seeking anything emotionally in these cases. Yes, the source is from a man, lol.. Not sure how women understand what men feel and think..Why don't you address the points I listed, instead of attacking the source? Or, feel free to tell us men why we cheat?
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Well I would imagine they get the same things from an emotional affair as a man does. Since you've been around longer, how many married male LS'ers have admitted to having EA's only, with no PA? I mean, besides me Handles would be nice. I'd love to do some reading IME, the dynamics shared by the different genders (of friends) to myself have varied markedly. I will say some of both genders have been remarkably strong in remaining faithful under very difficult circumstances. I draw strength from their experiences I wonder how many of Lizzie's MM seek her out for emotional attention and validation only
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 No matter what perspective you look at it, physical, emotional, what-not, it's still the need for external validation. Something is missing inside of them or from the marriage, that they're unable to refuel. So they refuel at their partner's expense.
D-Jam Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 A woman cheats on her man for much the same reasons as a man cheats on his woman. In this, there are no gender boundaries. I agree with you in all honesty. It more shows just how similar our genders are. Seen women cheat and act horribly as much as men do. It's not all a man thing or a woman thing.
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 No matter what perspective you look at it, physical, emotional, what-not, it's still the need for external validation. Something is missing inside of them or from the marriage, that they're unable to refuel. So they refuel at their partner's expense. Have we established that they're a bad person yet? Well, anyway, here's the OP's bio, since he hasn't been back yet... Why do women like the bad boys I am currently single but have no problem dating. I have always burnt my women out. My sis told me about her old bf and he does a lot of the things I do. I was shocked she still mostly talks about him and care less about the other good guys. So I started thinking. I am not the best looking or in tip top shape but I have alwas had hot girlfriends and friends with benefits. My sis has been out with me and seen me get women and is suprised because I have no game. She even says I am a jerk and need to change. I want to but it's not easy and women don't seem to mind. So my question is why do we so called bad boys get lots of women. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162498/ Guess that thread of enlightenment needed furthering
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I agree with you in all honesty. It more shows just how similar our genders are. Seen women cheat and act horribly as much as men do. It's not all a man thing or a woman thing. At the end of the day, not the sociopaths, but everyday people, the act of cheating devastates everyone including the cheater. I kenna understand this short-range thinking.
vonerik012 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Yes, both genders act horrible, no doubt. The question is, are the reasonings behind their actions generally the same? Wanting to put your thing in a woman has nothing to do with seeking external validation. Men and women are completely different sexual beings. Do they both like sex, yes. Do they view it the same? No. if they did, female AND male prostitution would be in equal size. I know what you are getting at.. I never said male cheating is not wrong. But the reasons for it, are different.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Have we established that they're a bad person yet? Tell me that bad people don't do bad things. Now apply it! Well, anyway, here's the OP's bio, since he hasn't been back yet... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162498/ Guess that thread of enlightenment needed furthering I'm not seeing how one affects the other. He claims he's a jerk that wonders why women cheat? 'Splain!
vonerik012 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Why_Men_Cheat_On_Women_-_The_Hidden_Reasons.html [FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2] Why men cheat on women, are in most cases different to the reasons a woman would choose to have an affair. You are about to discover the five hidden reasons why men cheat. As a preamble I would state that, absolutely none of the following reasons justify the affair, however, they are the reasons why men do cheat on women. Having a better and clearer understanding of the inner workings of a man's potentially unfaithful mind can help you in preventing the hurtful and often traumatic event in your relationship. Driven by caveman instincts - While on a superficial level men have evolved from their hairy caveman days, the basic instincts have barely changed since the days of being hunters with clubs! For thousands of years a man's job was to procreate as much as possible. Although in our current times of over population and the cultural structure of one man for one woman is accepted, at least in theory by men, the genetic and primal instincts of the "hunter" in a man often drives them back to giving in to those urges. The "high" of a challenge - From a young age, men love a challenge. From board games to computer games, most are centered around conquering and winning. In adult life, the ability and wit a man uses to get away with cheating on his wife or girlfriend provides a sense of winning or accomplishment. In addition, men love the challenge of finding other women to cheat with. Sure they enjoy the sexual part of the affair, but the sneaking around and pursuit is what really drives the man to be unfaithful. The ability to orchestrate the other woman in his life when then stakes are so high, gives him a buzz. Stroking the "invisible" male organ - If there is one thing that men love more than their genitals being stroked, is stroking their invisible male member - his ego! The ability for him to find multiple women who want to engage in physical intimacy does wonders for his self esteem. Being able to attract other woman can temporarily blind his sense of right and wrong. However, the desire to reinforce their attractiveness to women which drives them to having affairs stems from a deep rooted lack of self esteem. The duality of security and excitement - Most relationships after the first few years of passion dwindle down to a mundane regularity of life's struggles. The excitement and passion that once existed is longer there. This can certainly be resolved but requires the active work by both. Most couples fail to do that. However, while the relationship might get rather boring, it provides the important element of comfort and security to both. The man may have an affair to inject the excitement that is missing with his current partner, but at the same is hell bent on keeping it a secret as the fear of destroying the security is too high. Competition and the wrong crowd - While this reason affects only a minority of men, it still acts as a misguided catalyst to why men cheat. If a man is surrounded by his friends who sleep around with other women, he may subconsciously feel competitive and try and do the same to be "in" with his crowd. Although there are other more subtle reasons behind why men cheat, the above are the most common ones which lead them astray. None of them justify their unfaithful actions, but are an insight into the causes of his infidelity. [/sIZE][/FONT]http://www.womansavers.com/whywomencheat.asp 6 Reasons Why Women Cheat Is Your Relationship at Risk? By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, Special to LifeScript Wednesday, May 23, 2007 Hillary Clinton became the symbol of long-suffering married women everywhere when she famously stood by her man… twice. But these days when a woman feels dissatisfied in her relationship, she doesn’t just suck it up and complain to her friends over cosmopolitans. She gets a private email account, posts a profile at LonelyCheatingWives.com and starts looking for hookups herself. In other words, the stigma is gone. In the old days, the news that a woman supped at another man’s table might have provoked scandal; now it barely raises an eyebrow. And if she’s someone famous, well, that’s just a boon to tabloid circulation… “Affairs are not uncommon,” says clinical psychologist Nancy O’Reilly (aka Dr. Nancy). “Women tend to keep these things to themselves, but there are signs that they’re catching up with the guys.” Accurate stats on women’s infidelity are understandably hard to come by since – no surprise here – ladies aren’t always keen on ’fessing up to their extracurricular activities. But it’s generally guesstimated that 14%-40% of married women have intimately tangoed with someone other than their husbands. In one unscientific yet telling poll at WomanSavers.com (the self-proclaimed “world’s largest database rating good and bad men”), women were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the more than 9,400 women who responded, 49% said they had. Another 26% said that they’d have no problem stepping out on their partners if they knew they could get away with it. Why? The easy answer is that women today have the same opportunities to cheat as guys always did, says Dr. Nancy. Not only do working women have the chance to mix and mingle with would-be lovers (both in the office and on business trips), but the Internet is filled with chat rooms and websites like AshleyMadison.com and AffairMatch.com that blatantly court married men and women looking for a little something on the side. Even so, it takes more than mere opportunity to get a gal to slide between someone else’s sheets. We asked relationship experts to explain what inclines one woman to drop trou while another keeps her knickers on. Here are the six most common reasons: 1. Familiarity has bred indifference. The most common justification for infidelity that Dr. Nancy hears from women is that they feel taken for granted. You discuss what the kids did in school and which bills need to be paid, when the car needs an oil change and whether you should paint the house. But you haven’t really talked in a while. You know, about all those things – hopes, dreams, ideals – that you spent hours discussing as you lay in each other’s arms... before you had kids, car payments and a mortgage. When a woman feels like little more than a household drudge, attention from someone else becomes extremely seductive. “If there’s a failure to communicate – which is so reinforcing to women in terms of intimacy, emotional satisfaction and relationship satisfaction – then women look outside the relationship for that kind of connection,” says family and marriage therapist Terri Orbuch, host of Detroit’s Love Doctor TV and radio programs. “This is the most important reason women cheat. When you’re unhappy or dissatisfied in your relationship, you’re more likely to be tempted to look elsewhere.” And, she adds, you begin to perceive “opportunities” – like Mr. Eager To Fill The Proverbial Void – very differently. 2. You’re leading parallel lives. You used to travel the same path side by side, but lately your interests have diverged. Your guy wants to shoot pool with his buddies or watch football during his free time; you’d rather go antiquing or watch British costume dramas. When you start doing things separately, your odds of connecting with others who share your interests increase, and soon you may suspect you have more in common with that guy you keep spotting at the Saturday revival showings of The English Patient than with your hubby. Share a couple of large buttered popcorns, and suddenly he’s Ralph Fiennes and you’re Kristin Scott Thomas, sneaking around on Colin Firth. 3. The passion has fizzled. “Some women are in pretty good marriages – things are good, the kids are fine, the husband’s okay – but she’s bored and needs some excitement,” Dr. Nancy says. And a casual affair may put some zing back in her days. “It’s something new, different and exciting,” adds Stephany Alexander, online dating expert and founder of WomanSavers.com. “A cheating woman seeks the thrill of the chase and to see if she can get away with it.” 4. The fantasy has fizzled. A corollary to fizzling passion occurs when the romance fades and you realize your guy is not the fantasy man you fell in love with. Instead, he’s a mass of irksome habits that are starting to get under your skin. “Women who have false illusions tend to end up cheating because they never really knew the guy to begin with... or hoped he would change,” Alexander says. “When a woman’s Prince Charming turns out to be a frog, women often cheat in hopes of finding a new prince.” 5. Your ego needs a boost. You can be in a relationship with a perfectly wonderful, loving man and still need extra affirmation that you’ve got it goin’ on. Sleeping with someone else is an easy way to remind yourself that you’re desirable. “Even if your partner is reassuring, for whatever reason, it’s not enough,” Orbuch explains, “and so you look elsewhere, so you can feel like you’re lovable.” 6. It’s payback time. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as the saying goes. And when a woman catches her man with his hand in someone else’s cookie jar, she figures she’s got a right to a little indulgence of her own. “If a woman finds out her significant other has been cheating, she may heal those hurt feelings by having sex with another man,” Alexander says. So, if women cheat mainly because they no longer feel connected to their man, what makes a guy seek something on the side? Read 6 Reasons Why Men Cheat to learn what makes guys stray... and what women can do to keep ’em at home. Will You Cheat? Rate Your Risk It's estimated that up to 55% of women and 60% of men cheat at some point during their marriages. While you can't always control what your partner does, how likely is it that you'll be the one to do the straying?
D-Jam Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 At the end of the day, not the sociopaths, but everyday people, the act of cheating devastates everyone including the cheater. I kenna understand this short-range thinking. This is why I don't cheat, nor have I ever. I've seen both men and women devastated when someone they loved betrayed them. How much it hurt and made things a mess for them. I could never live with myself if I ever did that to a girl. I'd rather dump her first before betraying her. Hurts less and is respectful to her.
stillafool Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Since you've been around longer, how many married male LS'ers have admitted to having EA's only, with no PA? I mean, besides me Handles would be nice. I'd love to do some reading IME, the dynamics shared by the different genders (of friends) to myself have varied markedly. I will say some of both genders have been remarkably strong in remaining faithful under very difficult circumstances. I draw strength from their experiences I wonder how many of Lizzie's MM seek her out for emotional attention and validation only Actually there have been quite a few men on LS who were involved in an EA and on the verge of a PA. We tried to talk them out of it. I bet a lot of Lizzie's bf's seek emotional as well as physical attention from her.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 This is why I don't cheat, nor have I ever. I've seen both men and women devastated when someone they loved betrayed them. How much it hurt and made things a mess for them. I could never live with myself if I ever did that to a girl. I'd rather dump her first before betraying her. Hurts less and is respectful to her. Same here. Never cheated, never will. I've been cheated on in my past marriage by a spouse who I blindly loved and trusted. A poor choice of mate on my part. It was devastating for both sets of parents. It sent ripples of shock and polarization within our social network.
stillafool Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Yes, both genders act horrible, no doubt. The question is, are the reasonings behind their actions generally the same? Wanting to put your thing in a woman has nothing to do with seeking external validation. Men and women are completely different sexual beings. Do they both like sex, yes. Do they view it the same? No. if they did, female AND male prostitution would be in equal size. I know what you are getting at.. I never said male cheating is not wrong. But the reasons for it, are different. You have no idea what women will do. I have a cousin who paid men for sex and didn't even want to know their names. I have known plenty of women whose sex drive would put a man's to shame, yet would never reveal that side of herself to a man. She will talk about it with her girlfriends though (or should I say brag). You would be surprised what you would hear in a woman's locker room at the spa.
carhill Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I'm not seeing how one affects the other. He claims he's a jerk that wonders why women cheat? 'Splain! Walking the satisfying line of jerkdom can be quite a balancing act sometimes. Understanding the psychology of one's opponent makes for interesting games I see it as a way for him to play both sides of the street if he so chooses. More opportunities and more titillation with fruits coveted by another. Pretty heady stuff... Or, perhaps, we're his sister's psych class project
vonerik012 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Stillafool, Can you find a psychological study that maintains men and women cheat for the same reasons? Or does it just feel good to believe that? Can you tell us why men cheat? Even socially, it is more acceptable for a man. Women might be thrilled to date a man who might "have a woman in every port", where as men would be repulsed in most cases.. Stillafool, so worldwide, male and female prostitution are about equal?
vonerik012 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 http://www.relationshiprepair.net/2007/02/why-women-cheat.html Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self esteem. Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of admiration from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to affirm that they are still attractive and desirable. When a relationship meets a stagnant point where the partners are no longer making a conscious effort to reassure each other that they are still desirable, many women begin to feel insecure. This insecurity leads women to seek affirmation of their desirability outside of the relationship in the form of an affair. Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of longing they feel from their partner and helps to boost their self esteem. While women with a healthy self esteem are more apt to remain happy in a relationship, those that lack self esteem are often driven to cheat on their partners. Men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners. It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating. While women are beginning to cheat as often as men the reasons why women cheat are much different than the reasons why men cheat. The reasons for women cheating are tied tightly to emotional reasons such as loneliness, revenge and boredom.
Woggle Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 The same reasons men cheat. Women are just better at shifting the blame than men are.
vonerik012 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 To answer the thread question, I would say women whom are very insecure, are much more likely to cheat. For men, most times they cheat just because they can. When you are seeking a mate, and want that tall, handsome, alpha male pilot, doctor, CEO, musician, actor,politician, athlete,etc keep in mind there is a balance, and they are much more likely to cheat simply because they have that option. Many women understand this, and are willing to enjoy a certain lifestyle, at the expense of not having a faithful husband. So ladies, if you date this type of man, the type that has women of all shapes and sizes trying to seduce him whether they know he is married or not, do not complain when he does cheat. Or you can blindly try to believe that men and women cheat for the exact same reasons because this makes you feel better, and you are hell bent on finding the above alpha male who will be faithful, lol. Good luck.
Lovelybird Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 There is a very simple reason for cheating: their heart is empty and hunger for attention and love, and they falsely assume 1) man or woman can give me the love all I want 2) if I am married, my spouse can give me all I want 3) more men or women can satisfy my heart (serial cheater) If a person thinks this way, then it is more possible this person is weak, tend to develop codependency, clingy, cheating, affair, porn, addiction. The cheaters have low self esteem usually. If their husband cannot satisfy them, then they would seek other men's attention, now they need extra, not divorce one and remarry another, because their hunger can be bottomless, human soul is bottomless or infinite, if they don't seek infinite (God) fill their heart, it is difficult to change A man or spouse cannot fill your heart, only God can
Tomcat33 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 To answer the thread question, I would say women whom are very insecure, are much more likely to cheat. For men, most times they cheat just because they can. When you are seeking a mate, and want that tall, handsome, alpha male pilot, doctor, CEO, musician, actor,politician, athlete,etc keep in mind there is a balance, and they are much more likely to cheat simply because they have that option. So what you are saying is that women cheat because they are insecure and men cheat because it is inherent in them? And that good looking successful men just have more opportunities to act out this intrinsic tendency?
Lovelybird Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 So what you are saying is that women cheat because they are insecure and men cheat because it is inherent in them? And that good looking successful men just have more opportunities to act out this intrinsic tendency? I think the men cheat is the same reason, their heart is empty, so they are weak and need more validations from many women
Tomcat33 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I think the men cheat is the same reason, their heart is empty, so they are weak and need more validations from many women In both genders and in some cases I would agree.
Recommended Posts