Am I right to be bothered, or am I being irrational?

[endlesstrains]

So I guess I just wanted some advice on this issue...

 

Basically, there's been a few times that my boyfriend went out with mutual friends, got really drunk with them and stayed over someone's house (he lives far from the city) while we were going out. This in and of itself isn't such a big deal... of course I want him to have fun with friends without me... but I guess I feel a little left out since they are both our friends. But that's my problem, not his, I think.

 

The issue comes up in that he never TOLD me about these outings until it ended up coming up later through other people... he explained to me that it was because his last girlfriend used to freak out if he ever went somewhere without her and he learned to just not tell her if he went out with friends. I understand what she was like, so that makes sense. But then I found out that the last time this happened was less than a month ago?? And we'd already had conversations about how I was not like his ex and all that... yet he still didn't tell me about it? I don't mean that I have to know where he is at all times, I just mean that he usually mentions what he's done the day before whenever we get together, and if he leaves something major like that out, then it's on purpose...

 

Last night he went out again with a mutual friend of ours and they got drunk and he ended up sleeping over his house... I thought that I would be ok with this since my BF told me straight up... but for some reason it still bothered me. I guess it's the sleeping over part that gets me? And maybe the fact that he knew I was doing nothing that night and I would have liked to go out with them too... I guess it's different because the friend is my friend too, not just his... I've never had any problem with him going out with his own friends and doing whatever. We need to have our space and live our own lives... so it bothers me that I feel this way, but I do. I just feel bad about it. It's not because I think anything "weird" is going on... the friend he drank one-on-one with is male and the only females he has drank with are our mutual friends who are all taken, and everyone involved is trustworthy. So it's not that.

 

I guess I want to know, from your point of view, am I being irrational? I am keeping these feelings to myself because I don't want to make things worse, or freak out by BF into thinking I am like his ex... but on the other hand I need to be honest about my emotions... and yes it still bothers me that he got really drunk and slept over our friend's house last night. I thought he was going to stay over my house tonight but he didn't because he wanted to spend a night at home (he spent Wednesday here and Thursday at our friend's house)... I dunno... I just feel ****ty and now I am worried that he is put on edge by the fact that it bothers me...

 

Any advice?

[Ronni_W]

Is it the "sleeping over" part that gets to you, or is it that he is not being honest with you and is treating you as if you are someone else?

 

If it really is the sleeping over part, then yeah, IMO, that is irrational. (Would you rather him try to find his way home when he's drunk, and more vulnerable to all the things drunk people are more vulnerable to?)

 

If it is that he seems to be deeply entrenched in LEARNED behaviour (he told you he only learned it from being with is ex), then no, IMO that is reasonable for you to be concerned about.

 

How to help people WANT to change their ineffective habits (cos that's all it is, now -- just a behavioural pattern that used to work for him), is to help them see the negative impact and consequence of those habits. It's the same as helping someone who wants to reduce weight see that eating a dozen donuts a day isn't helping her/his cause.

 

So...how is his behaviour impacting him? Is he becoming an untrustworthy person? (Are you starting to trust him less?) Will you have to start deciding if you want to be with someone who uses this type of behaviour? -- Your decision being based on the fact that you don't want to become someone who is always anxious/nagging, losing confidence in self and partner, feeling crappy about self and relationship, etc.

 

Your goal is not to issue a "you change or I leave" ultimatum. Just to let him know that you don't like how things are going and so you must leave the relationship for your own peace of mind and to feel good about yourself. (Let him decide on his own to change the behaviour or to not change it, that is.)

 

If he is on edge, that is a good sign -- he is getting that there may be negative consequences for him, and/or that it is negatively impacting you.

[ed-205]

Sounds kind of similar to what I was going through with me Ex, unfortunately, she didn't start behaving that way until after we were married for 4 years. It started when she began hanging out at the bar with her "Bowling Buddies" every night she bowled (sometimes three times a week), and some nights she was pretty well hammered by the time she came home.

I think what hurt me the most was that her "social life" became so important to her that it really cut into our "Family time" ( we had 2 children by this time, too). On the few occasions that I managed to arrange babysitting so that WE could have a night out together, she even invited her "Bowling Buddies" (both guys, both mutual friends of ours) to come along with us, and if the babysitter didn't show up? Tough S**t, she went out anyway. Of course, it was only a matter of time before she was sleeping around with I don't want to guess how many different guys.

 

With that in mind, here's my opinion:

 

I'm going to say that this guy isn't ready to give up his "social life" to invest himself into a relationship, even if he *is* going out with "mutual friends". Give it up now before you *really* get hurt.

[Ronni_W]

Ed, I am sorry for your experience.

I would see a big difference between your ex and OP's b/f as being that HE is aware of the source of his pattern of behaviour. For your ex, it appears that it started for her during your marriage and she did not, perhaps, take the time to figure out what the source was, for her(?)

 

OP indicated that this has happened "a few times" -- which doesn't necessarily point to her b/f as having placed a PRIORITY on a social life that consistently or constantly doesn't take her into account. So again, that seems different than how your ex wife handled her issues.

[endlesstrains]

How to help people WANT to change their ineffective habits (cos that's all it is, now -- just a behavioural pattern that used to work for him), is to help them see the negative impact and consequence of those habits. It's the same as helping someone who wants to reduce weight see that eating a dozen donuts a day isn't helping her/his cause.

 

Well, when we talked about it before (regarding the first incident of this, which happened in April and I didn't find out about until maybe August or so) he explained why he hadn't told me and said that now he understood that I was different and in my case it would actually make me upset to NOT tell me instead of the other way around. It still hurt me a little whenever I thought about it but I tried to file it away and let it be. But then I found out the other day that he had gone out again and did the same thing, less than a month ago, and he was STILL "in that mindset" according to him... which really upsets me... April is one thing, that was months ago and I can see how his mindset wouldn't have changed yet. But last month? I just feel that I am not being respected as a person and that he doesn't believe me when I say I am not like her... it really bothers me that he did this as recently as last month. I understand why he didn't tell me but that doesn't mean I accept it or like it... I am not her, I am me...

 

And besides this, I really love him. It really hasn't crossed my mind that this would be a "dealbreaker" because he is a very genuine, honest person and I believe him 100% why he didn't tell me... I just feel frustrated about it so I came here for some advice rather than harping on him about it. I think I also am afraid to do anything that is like his ex... I think he has gotten over a lot of issues related to her, and I hope he can get over this one too. She really did a number on him but thankfully he is at heart a sweet, trusting person and I think as I gain his trust he drops more and more of those past worries and barriers. I don't mean to make him sound like a head case because he's really a normal guy... but he did have some scars left over from her.

[endlesstrains]

Oh, I forgot to mention something else that made me feel bad... yesterday when it came up and we were having the conversation again, he asked me (not in a sarcastic way, but genuinely asking) if I wanted him to "check in" with me first and call me before he was going to go out somewhere like that...! Of course I said no... I am not his wife, I am not his mother, it's not like we live together... of course he doesn't need to check in with me! I just meant that he shouldn't purposely not tell me afterwards! Especially if he spent the night which is a pretty big thing that you would normally tell your GF if you weren't trying to hide it from her. But why would he even ask about "checking in"? Does he really think I am like that? Ugh. Not to mention that if he did it would make me feel even worse because it's like... you had the thought to check in but it doesn't occur to you that telling me you're going out with our mutual friends but not inviting me is kind of rude? He's never actually done this, but he was asking if he should. What does that even mean? He's not the kind of guy who is all submissive and will bow to every whim of mine... which makes me nervous that he's acting like this... am I reminding him of her somehow and he wants to avoid getting hurt so he tries to give into whatever I want?

[ed-205]

Ed, I am sorry for your experience.

I would see a big difference between your ex and OP's b/f as being that HE is aware of the source of his pattern of behaviour. For your ex, it appears that it started for her during your marriage and she did not, perhaps, take the time to figure out what the source was, for her(?)

 

OP indicated that this has happened "a few times" -- which doesn't necessarily point to her b/f as having placed a PRIORITY on a social life that consistently or constantly doesn't take her into account. So again, that seems different than how your ex wife handled her issues.

 

Of course, OP will have to decide for herself in her situation, but with that in mind I respectfully disagree. He's already lying to her about his behavior, and IME that only gets worse over time. You think my Ex never tearfully begged my forgiveness for her occasional binges? Do you think she stopped?

I'm not saying that he's not worthy of her affections, I'm saying he's not *ready* for them.

[Ronni_W]

Endless, I do understand what you mean about his mindset still being stuck in his old behaviour. Habits are hard to break and one of the downsides in this case is that he never got any chance to practice his new mindset since April (if that makes sense?) -- it's easier to change something if one is being called upon to confront it on a regular basis.

 

Just my guess - maybe him asking about "checking in" was a genuine attempt on his part, to try to find a mutually acceptable compromise/solution? I wouldn't see it as him trying to put some nasty 'label' on you, really. (There's a small chance it might be that something about his ex is being triggered, but I wouldn't want to jump to that conclusion without his input, I mean.)

 

You've mentioned something else, so I'm gonna ask: How much does it bother you that YOUR FRIENDS make plans with your b/f and don't include you? (Let's take it off him, for a moment.) Cos those are your mutual friends doing that, too, yes?

Which also makes it tougher to know what to think and/or who to talk to about the fact that you are being excluded.

 

I think maybe...I'm not sure cos I'm not in the situation but I think maybe I would ask b/f if there is any specific reason that you sometimes do not get invited -- it sounds fairly infrequent, so it doesn't appear to be a major thing for the rest of them. There could be a fairly simple explanation that really has nothing to do with a conscious decision to exclude you.

 

It's hard to stop your mind from coming up with all sorts of crazy things. But before you go down that (confidence-eroding, anxiety-producing, self-defeating) road, maybe just ask him under what circumstances do these plans fall into place, where you aren't invited? What is going on just before they head out, that makes it impractical for them to call you?

 

(I'd approach it as being a group dynamic, so he doesn't have to feel as if you are blaming/accusing him of something. Plus, it really is on all of them, since you are all friends.)

[endlesstrains]

Yeah, I think a lot of my problem with it is that they are our mutual friends... I've never even had the remotest sliver of a problem with him going out with his own friends any time he wants to. They are his friends, so why not? It wouldn't even occur to me to be upset unless he had broken plans with me to hang out with them or something.

 

But these mutual friends... yeah I guess it bothers me... the reason we are all friends is because we all work together. So they weren't his friends first, or my friends first. He started working at this place about a month before me so we are on pretty equal standing (although maybe he knows them a little better since he is more outgoing than me.) But they all like me and we always have fun when we are out. My BF claims that the last time this happened (Wednesday night) it was just supposed to be a quick drink after work with our friend and then he would go home, so he didn't think to invite me. But one drink turned into three or four, etc. I can see this happening easily between those two but I guess I feel a little sad that they didn't think to invite me when I was not doing anything else. I don't want to freak out my BF into thinking I always have to be around him, it's not that, it's just that I feel kind of rejected or passed over by our friends when this happens, I guess?

 

It's also hard for me because these are my closest friends here, being that I moved here less than 2 years ago and have had a hard time meeting people. He has lived here all his life so he has plenty of friends. And I am probably going to have to stop working there after December unless a new position opens up, and I guess I am afraid they will all forget about me and never invite me out because I'm not around at work. I also don't ever close anymore this semester (part of the organization is a school so hours change every semester) so I think I am going to be looked over a lot when people decide to hang out after work. Previously, I closed more often so I was part of those plans. Now I only work mornings/afternoons so if a plan isn't already in place I will probably be left out...

 

I want to respect my BF's space and also I understand that my friends will not want to see me all the time and they probably want to see my BF alone sometimes too, as anyone would... but I guess I feel like they are out having fun and I am sitting alone not doing anything so why don't they invite me out too?

[Ronni_W]

Believe me, you do not at all sound like someone who is being overly sensitive, "naggy", suspicious, or anything like that. You sound very level-headed about everything, and just that it is a bit...disconcerting(?)...to think that this may be the beginning of a pattern that will get totally beyond what your b/f or you really wants.

 

I'm pretty sure you're right on...the situation probably just usually goes in a different direction than they plan/expect.

Are you open to having a chat with one or more of the others in the group? Don't make it about your b/f at all. Just express your own fears/concerns, what with your new hours and all, and how you feel as if you are missing out on sharing fun times with THE GROUP.

 

Ask how you guys, as a GROUP, can get it so that...well, let's just say for example: If they're ordering the 3rd drink, somebody (doesn't matter who) calls you and says, "We're ordering our 3rd round...you may wanna get down here..."

 

You know -- just keep it light, about the friendships, that you're missing their company, and how you'd love to be part of their impulsive get-togethers cos it sounds like a lot of fun.

Does that sound like something you might want to try?

[endlesstrains]

Ok, just an update with another question...

 

So my BF has had a cold recently and hasn't wanted to go out... which of course makes perfect sense. I was a little frustrated when he cancelled our Tuesday night outing at the last minute (actually I called HIM to find out what was going on, he said he was "just about to call me") but I understood because he wasn't feeling well. He said maybe Wednesday (yesterday) night if he was feeling better. Well, he wasn't. Ok, that's fine. It turns out he was drinking at work last night (after closing, so no customers, which I have no problem with in and of itself) but what pisses me off is that I was on the phone with him WHILE he was drinking and he told me that he didn't want to go out and thought that drinking would make him feel worse. Now I understand there is a big difference between going out drinking when you aren't feeling well, and drinking at work where you have to be anyway. But lying to me about it makes me mad, especially right there in front of my co-workers. (While he was on the phone with me I heard him say "hey can I have some more of that cold medicine?" which I assumed was actual medicine but it was whiskey. And then he told me he had to go because he had "work to do".) And the fact that he never would have told me that he was drinking that night if I hadn't found out through other co-workers.

 

I just feel really angry. I mean he told me, WHILE he was drinking, that he didn't want to drink because it would make his cold worse? And he said this in front of our other co-workers? What must they think now, that he is lying to me? I feel really disrespected. He would have lied forever and said that nothing eventful happened that day if I hadn't found out otherwise. He sounded funny on the phone last night (we talked again after he left work) and I asked where he was, he said he was driving (this was like an hour after he should have left work.) He told me that he had smoked some weed with a coworker (I smoke weed, and have no problem with this) and that was why he was late, but he wouldn't have told me that either if I hadn't asked him why he sounded fuzzy (I assumed he was at home where he had a good connection.) Now I am wondering if that is even true, and if he hung out with the female coworker who is always blatantly flirting with him. Ugh!

 

I talked to him on the phone tonight and found out that he did drink, and he was in fact drinking when he talked to me. I didn't say anything about how I was mad because I didn't want to cause a scene, and I wanted him to know I was ok with the actual drinking... but I'm not OK that he tried to hide it from me and our coworkers heard him lying to me about it. What should I do? I don't want to be a drag and always bring up problems with him but I am not OK with this.

[Ronni_W]

(((hugs))).

Honestly, what I'd suggest that you do is assess this relationship and see if it really is one that is supporting and encouraging your happiness. Put it down on paper, if that'll help. What are you receiving, what are you giving, what are you putting up with, and what are you giving up?

 

It really doesn't sound as if he is ready (developed enough) to have an adult, open, honest relationship. He may not even know what that looks like, nevermind want to participate in it.

 

At the end of the day, it's your choice, though. Keep banging your head against this brick wall and end up feeling like YOU are the one who is irrational, over-reacting, being a drag, always bringing up problems, etc., ...or liberate yourself from this unsatisfying relationship by realizing that it is HIS attitudes and behaviours that need some serious adjustment (which he either isn't able or willing to do at this point.)

 

It's NOT you...it's him!

[endlesstrains]

I am not really happy. But I don't know if that's him or me. I think I do have problems with never being happy enough with what I have. I always have to find the downside in everything and let it bother me. My BF tells me I am too negative and it's hard for him sometimes, and really I know he is right. I am trying to work on it as far as coming off as negative, but the fact is that I still FEEL that way even if I don't ACT it.

 

I just love him so much, I feel like I'd put up with anything as long as it means I can be with him. I have never loved anyone like this before. I mean after I started feeling this way I had to start questioning whether I had ever loved a previous boyfriend. I don't let him walk all over me, I tell him when I have an issue and we have worked out some previous issues already, but it seems like it always comes back to a couple core issues that don't ever get resolved. I know he is immature for his age but he is 7 years older than me so you'd think him being immature would be okay since he has a lot of room there to match up to my age. But I guess I am more mature than my actual age (I am 23) in order for this to bother me so much. I just hate being the nag because I know I bring up problems in our relationship too often but it's because I FEEL them that often! But I don't want to make him feel like he can't be around me or I'll be a downer, because that will just make the problem worse.

 

I don't know. I don't want to throw away something good just because I am a pessimist and think too much. I am thinking about seeing a counselor or something so I can figure everything out. But then I think to myself, if this relationship is making me want to seek therapy, is this really a positive thing?

[Ronni_W]

Endless, do YOU think that you are a negative, pessimistic person? Forget what you have ever heard about yourself...how do YOU view yourself?

 

The thing is. If you want to stay with this guy, then you must learn to put up with his lies and deceitful ways without letting it bother you. Otherwise you will drive yourself crazy, and drive all your friends crazy for having to listen to you forever complaining about the same basic problem that you chose to keep in your life.

 

If you choose him, then also choose to start appreciating ALL aspects of him as just part of the personality of the man you love and want to be with. If you are willing to "put up with anything" that means you are willing to stop complaining about it.

 

Besides, it is unreasonable to consciously choose a situation AND then to also want to continue to complain about that same situation. It is unrealistic to hope that your friends will be able to keep hearing about it. You can't have it both ways.

 

He isn't showing any signs of wanting or intending to change his behaviour. If you want to stay with him, you have to change how you are interpreting/reacting to how he does relationships. You have to make it so that, internal-to-you, his lies and deceitful ways are 100% okay. *IF* you want to stay with him, that is what you have to do.

[endlesstrains]

I don't talk to my friends about it. I guess why I post here is when I really need to get something off my chest.

 

I do think I am a negative person. I know I am. It's one my main flaws.

 

But I think although I am negative, I always have this little bit of hope even in the most unreasonable circumstances, which always ends up hurting me more. I always have hope that maybe at the last minute things will fix themselves but they never do. I keep letting myself down. I think that maybe my BF will do something really sweet to show he loves me and is sorry when I have cried so hard over him, but he never does. I think he thinks he shows me loves me but I just don't feel it. He is no good at comforting me or making me feel safe. He doesn't open up emotionally.

 

It just hurts so much because I know he isn't meeting my needs but I keep thinking maybe he will start, maybe he will start. I love him so much. It's tearing me up.

[popey]

I am not really happy. But I don't know if that's him or me. I think I do have problems with never being happy enough with what I have. I always have to find the downside in everything and let it bother me. My BF tells me I am too negative and it's hard for him sometimes, and really I know he is right. I am trying to work on it as far as coming off as negative, but the fact is that I still FEEL that way even if I don't ACT it.

 

I just love him so much, I feel like I'd put up with anything as long as it means I can be with him. I have never loved anyone like this before. I mean after I started feeling this way I had to start questioning whether I had ever loved a previous boyfriend. I don't let him walk all over me, I tell him when I have an issue and we have worked out some previous issues already, but it seems like it always comes back to a couple core issues that don't ever get resolved. I know he is immature for his age but he is 7 years older than me so you'd think him being immature would be okay since he has a lot of room there to match up to my age. But I guess I am more mature than my actual age (I am 23) in order for this to bother me so much. I just hate being the nag because I know I bring up problems in our relationship too often but it's because I FEEL them that often! But I don't want to make him feel like he can't be around me or I'll be a downer, because that will just make the problem worse.

 

I don't know. I don't want to throw away something good just because I am a pessimist and think too much. I am thinking about seeing a counselor or something so I can figure everything out. But then I think to myself, if this relationship is making me want to seek therapy, is this really a positive thing?

 

Ronnie is right. I recently went down a similar path to what you are describing in this last post here. What I now realize is that it was certainly true that I was negative and often bringing up problems, but the reason is that I was in a negative relationship that had a lot of problems. Think about it. What does your bf have to be negative about? He's doing whatever he wants regardless of what effect it has on you or your relationship. While you are trying to look for ways to consider his feelings and yours, and that cannot be accomplished by just you. Not unless, as Ronnie says, the solution is to decide that you will be satisfied in a relationship where your partner is pretty much going to make all his choices based on his feelings alone.

 

Sounds to me like this is not something that will make you happy, and IMO, sounds to me like much less of a relationship than you willing and able to be a part of.

 

Sorry this is going on. BELIEVE me I understand the burning desire to conclude that its you, not him that is the problem... b/c then you wouldn't powerless to make it better.

[Ronni_W]

Endless,

YOU are responsible for making yourself feel safe. That is not your b/f's job or obligation. You need to ensure that you choose relationships that WILL offer you what you want...comfort, support, loving gestures, etc.

 

Your crying to manipulate him into doing something sweet is obviously not working, so you may as well stop using tears to (try to) do that -- it is not bringing you the results that you want. Try something way different...the opposite, even.

 

You are expecting something from you b/f that he obviously cannot or does not want to give you. It's not about whether you love him or not. It's that you are expecting what, for him, is impossible to give you. You can love him as much as you want, you are still not going to get what you want...not from him.

 

What are you doing on your own, for yourself, in order to ultimately have a more positive mindset and be a more positive person? Again, it is not your b/f's (or anyone else's) responsibility to ensure that your external world is always just the way you like it, so that you can feel positive and comforted.

 

As an adult, it is YOUR obligation and responsibility to yourself to create and participate in relationships and experiences that are fully nurturing, fulfilling and enriching. It is on you, to take steps that will promote your own happiness, and feelings of safety and comfort.

I really don't know how else to say that.

 

I understand your pain, but the BIGGEST part of it is being caused by your own unrealistic expectations and your own unwillingness to see and accept this guy's limitations, as they relate to YOUR needs and desires.

You deserve MUCH more than he is capable of and/or is willing to give you.

[silverbeamer]

Everyone on here is totally on the right track... its him not you.

 

From what you've explained I don't think he's ready to be in a serious relationship. IME once a man is actually ready to be with you he won't feel the need to lie or deliberately not tell you things that are going on in his life. No matter who he was dating at this point he would totally act the same way.

 

And another thing... you guys work together? I've done this 3 times and it never ends well. Hope you can work it out.

[endlesstrains]

Endless,

YOU are responsible for making yourself feel safe. That is not your b/f's job or obligation. You need to ensure that you choose relationships that WILL offer you what you want...comfort, support, loving gestures, etc.

 

Your crying to manipulate him into doing something sweet is obviously not working, so you may as well stop using tears to (try to) do that -- it is not bringing you the results that you want. Try something way different...the opposite, even.

 

Ugh. Why do you want so much to read into my words things I am not saying? I don't cry "to manipulate him." I cry when I am alone, by myself, because he hurts me by treating me how he does. I don't do it in front of him or tell him about it. I just meant that he must have some idea of how he hurts me and he doesn't seem to care.

 

You are expecting something from you b/f that he obviously cannot or does not want to give you. It's not about whether you love him or not. It's that you are expecting what, for him, is impossible to give you. You can love him as much as you want, you are still not going to get what you want...not from him.

 

When did I say this wasn't true? I am just trying to get my feelings out, explaining that it is so hard to leave him because of how I feel for him. You seem to be putting some personal agenda into this and responding to the issues of a person who isn't me.

 

What are you doing on your own, for yourself, in order to ultimately have a more positive mindset and be a more positive person? Again, it is not your b/f's (or anyone else's) responsibility to ensure that your external world is always just the way you like it, so that you can feel positive and comforted.

 

As an adult, it is YOUR obligation and responsibility to yourself to create and participate in relationships and experiences that are fully nurturing, fulfilling and enriching. It is on you, to take steps that will promote your own happiness, and feelings of safety and comfort.

I really don't know how else to say that.

 

Again, what are you TALKING about? All I said was that I would appreciate it if my boyfriend did something other than yell at me when I was sad (yes, that is what I mean by being comforted) and you got all this out of it?

 

I understand your pain, but the BIGGEST part of it is being caused by your own unrealistic expectations and your own unwillingness to see and accept this guy's limitations, as they relate to YOUR needs and desires.

You deserve MUCH more than he is capable of and/or is willing to give you.

 

Just a minute ago you were telling me my expectations were unrealistic and now you were saying I deserve better than him? I thought I was the one with the problem, according to you?

[endlesstrains]

Everyone on here is totally on the right track... its him not you.

 

From what you've explained I don't think he's ready to be in a serious relationship. IME once a man is actually ready to be with you he won't feel the need to lie or deliberately not tell you things that are going on in his life. No matter who he was dating at this point he would totally act the same way.

 

And another thing... you guys work together? I've done this 3 times and it never ends well. Hope you can work it out.

 

I won't be working there after December so it doesn't really matter towards work if we break up. But as far as working with him while we are together, it's never been a problem so far.

[Ronni_W]

Endless,

It's not my need or desire to put you on the defensive and/or make you feel any worse than you already do.

 

If I said that you deserve better than what you are getting, then it is highly unlikely that I was also trying to imply that you are "the one with the problem." (Unless I am some kind of moron, which I'm not.)

 

Wanting something from someone who can't/won't give it IS unrealistic. It's not a "problem" other than unrealistic expectations leave us feeling disappointed and/or frustrated.

 

In any event.

I do wish you well, and hope that the situation will resolve itself so that you and your b/f can be happy together.

[popey]

Endless, what would you say are the (5 or so) most important things in a relationship for you?