What am I supposed to do with this?

[AdamSF]

Hi everyone,

to start, i am 23. this is my first post here but I really need help so i figured I'd give this a shot. I recently started dating a girl (also 23) that I have been really good friends with for nearly a decade. I've always had a thing for her, I'd even say that I love her, and until about a month ago she turned me down flat. We started hanging out more about a month ago, and 2 weeks back we started dating. She got out a 5 month long relationship (36 year old, ex heroin addict, jobless, but grows weed for a living and dj's semi regularly) about 3 months ago which ended very poorly, she got pregnant, had an abortion, and the guy abandoned her and completely cut off contact. A few days ago he called her and apologized and said he wants her back. She still has "love" for him, but says she has strong feelings for me and wants to date us both. I am afraid of getting hurt by her but after our short relationship (which has been amazing) based on ten years of strong friendship, I don't want to lose her. I am afraid that I won't be able to get over her if I keep her in my life, but I don't know If I can leave either, and I am pretty sure I can't "just be friends." I don't know what to do... I can't sleep, don't really feel like eating much, and thinking about her with another guy makes me feel so sad. I just have a strong feeling I am going to lose out in the long run but I don't really know one way or the other. What should I do... Please help me!

~Adam

[torranceshipman]

Being with her will:

a) destroy your pride: what girl worth having would say 'i want you AND the heroin addict ex who pushed me into having an abortion then dumped me, yet I STILL want him to do me, while I'm seeing you'

b) possibly destroy your health if she is foolin around with that skankbag AND you-think of what you could catch

c) you are WAY too young to deal with this type of baggage - run, run, run! Nothing but heartache and hassle waiting for you. Go find a single hottie who is a lot nicer than this one

d) mean that you are played - and treated like crap - make no bones about it, you're signing up for misery if you're with her!

 

I'd look at your own self esteem, it must be so low for you to even consider being with a girl that says this hideous type of stuff to you. If she comes to you one day and says 'im single, I made a mistake, that guy is a loser and means nothing to me, and i want you, if you will forgive how badly i treated you before' then...fine, consider it. Any less than that-dont go there!!

[jj33]

GET OUT NOW. I am sorry that you are having to go through this its so shocking. I can only imagine that you were there for her while she dated that man (who doesnt sound like much of a prize by the way) through her pregnancy etc etc and now she is telling you she wants him back.

 

She has big issues of her own to deal with, you have yours. It hurts to find that someone you love prefers someone else. But this girl is a drama queen. If she werent she wouldnt be going back to someone who "grows weed for a living" and has treated her badly.

 

If you stay your life will be plagued by her dramas, and everything else that Torrance said. This is a very bad thing for your self esteem its already making you physically ill. Love doesnt do that to you.

 

Its hard to lose a close friend and hard to face rejection and the double whammy you are getting here is really tough. But dont drop your standards of what you want for yourself. DO you want to be someone's second choice?

 

Its nice she wants to date both of you. Good for her. That is NOT what you want. Love is about compromise but this is not compromise this is a selfish drama queen who wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

There may be a part of you that is saying oh shes had such a rough time she is confused. And thats right she is confused. But staying with a relationship that is bad for you wont end her confusion. It will only break your heart and erode your self esteem.

 

As for your fear of "losing out" if you get out you will only lose out on heartbreak. Staying in this situation is a hiding to nothing. If she really loves you and is ready for a mature adult relationship, she knows where to find you. If you are still single and still want her, then there will be something to talk about. But once you get past the heartbreak you may look at things differently.

 

It hurts we all know how much it hurts. But be strong. Your heart will thank you later.

[Ronni_W]

Adam,

I agree with the others -- if you want to lose self-confidence, self-respect and self-esteem, only then continue the romantic aspects of your relationship on the terms that she has set out. If you do not want that, make a strong commitment to yourself that you will not become 'Mr. Here-When-You-Want-Me-NiceGuy' in this piece. That is a choice for emotional suicide.

 

If it is too difficult for you to go back to being "just friends", then make the space you need to properly (re)adjust your mental, emotional and physical desires and feelings. Thereafter, you can make a decision about the kind of long-term connection you want or can handle.

 

It is unfortunate, but always a risk when trying to transition a platonic into a romantic. (((hugs)))

[whichwayisup]

If you date her while she is also seeing this other guy - Please don't have sex with her because this ex of hers sounds like bad news and who knows about his sexual history..

 

You are going to get hurt if you do stay with her. You'll still hurt if you walk away but it's a healthier kind of hurt than continuing with her. The jealously, the competition of her affection - Why put yourself through that?

 

Maybe giving her space, letting her know you DO care about her but can't be in her life if she chooses to be with her ex, will wake her up because she'll lose you if she chooses him.